perspective

my day to day struggles seem so big.

kids getting sick, disagreements with my hubby, too much housework, tiredness.

then i read about Ivy, and her health issues. And Amy and Isaacs. Ours seem pretty simple compared to theirs.

And i read about Jeff and Katie, and i realize again how blessed we are to have each other.

my day stops

I have noticed a pattern.

When I get the news that little boy has had a seizure, my day is shot while I process it.

It has happened about 6 times.

Each time, my mom talks about how normal it is to worry, blah, blah, blah. I say I'm not worrying, and I'm not.

But I have noticed that nothing gets done for the rest of the day. I forget to turn the stove on, then i forget to turn it off. I forget what i'm doing. I forget my purse in the store. My words come out jumbled, as if I can't find the right word. I leave the kids to play, while I go watch tv.

So i guess I'm avoiding worrying by not thinking?

I know that its not a hugely big deal. Very common for seizures to start when kids are 6. More of an annoyance than a health hazard.

And it explains his inability to focus, remember, follow, ect. He forgot how to put on his coat after one seizure. He forgot how to read. He goes to get dressed, then comes back and asks what he's supposed to be doing. Today he openned the truck door, got in the truck, then got out to shut the door. He stared at the truck, puzzled, then openned the door again, and got in, this time shutting the door while he was in the truck! We don't bug him as much anymore for taking sooooooo long to do stuff, since its a memory problem.

I guess I'm trying to figure out where all this is going, what new changes this means for the family, what the future holds for him.

He has been pulled from swimming lessons once, because he was disorientated. He's been asked to stay off the playground climbing equipment. Which i'm fine with until we figure this out.

I'm worried about his health, I guess. What if its serious? What if he dies? (my mom's dog just died of a seizure. ironic much?)

so far, he's just fine. doesn't seem to faze him much. I think he's used to it, that's just the way things are.

And I'm trying hard to follow his lead.

just keep breathing

oi vey, what a month.

Big girl was in the hospital last week, not breathing well from a chest cold. apparently very sick, which i didn't realize at first.

middle girl has been having tummy issues, which we are now back and forth to the doctors to try and figure out. currently on zantrac, which seems to help, but brings its own side-effects with it.

little boy was sick a couple of weeks ago, is now recovered from that.

But I was approached by his teachers today. He has been having seizures, we think. And they seem to be getting worse.

I feel like my head is spinning. I had to sit down after a few minutes of talking about the seizures. I was all queasy and stuff.

And my heart thing from the spring has come back, which leaves me short of breath. Must be stress related, lol!!

I just really want a few days of peace and quiet. No excitement.

glass half full

I am continually amazed at my positive outlook on life, considering my anxiety and depression problems.

I know, it doesn't make sense, does it?

I blame it on the stars - my horoscope totally is both scorpio and libra, every time - and they are the most opposite signs you can get.

So I started this morning totally overwhelmed. And during the next few hours I was able to come up with ideas to try and tackle the problems. Which made me feel better.

Hubby says I live in my own world, that I don't have a good grasp of reality. Hey, whatever works!

Some problems, and their ideas . . . .

I don't feel comfortable discussing my inability to cope with people, because they get all worried. I know its a natural response to worry when someone who has considered suicide says they are not coping, but its damned inconvienient.

So I am making an appointment and finding someone whose job it is to be a sounding board.

I cannot keep the housework up. Life keeps interrupting. And I am soooo tired. Plus I am a slob.

So I am going to try and live with the kids in one room, and not use the kitchen so much (buy more prepared food, make more 1 pot meals).

And I can't cook to save my life. Which is so discouraging. All that time, all the mess, and no one can eat it.

So I am going to buy more prepared food. (See, two problems with one stone!)

Wish me luck, I'll need it. I resolve to do better with cooking and housework every week! Lol

Metta Bhavana

That is what I found on my meditation search yesterday.

Metta doesn't have an english word, closest is lovingkindness. Bhavana means to learn, I think.

It's a way to grow your emotions, and empathy/compassion.

Just what I need to help with relationships and connections.

And it will be relaxing and meditative.

And I can teach it to my kids, they will like it too.

********

Met up with another CMT lady. It was so funny as we compared symptoms. "I could never keep up with my friends" - "Me neither!" - "I would jog along side them as they walked" - "No way, me too!"

Her mom has CMT as well, so we will all get together sometimes. It will be nice to talk to someone who 'gets' it. Even though we are all still learning about it.

And we will give each other idea's on how to adapt our lives to it. Three heads are better than one.

And I think it will be nice for the husbands to compare notes, too. It has impacted their lives, as well.

Meditation

I've been thinking about trying it. Any idea's, hints, methods that you would recomend?

Fall is always the hardest time depression-wise for me. I wonder why? Almost lost it this week. Will be looking into a higher degree of support. At least I'm still together enough to recognise and do something about it.

Los Angelitos

Last week, on October the 28th, the kids and I went up behind our local cemetary and built a cairn for Christopher. Little boy wanted a birthday party for him so Christopher could invite his spirit friends. So we made a cake and had a pinata.


Today we celebrated Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) at the cairn.




We included the 4 elements - air (we all wrote something on the crepe paper, which blows in the wind), water (a dish to catch rain), fire (candles), and earth (food and flowers). White flowers for the baby angels (angelitos), orange and pink flowers for the others (assorted relatives, friends and pets).





I read a poem (some words changed from someone else's poem), while the kids placed some items:


In the cool of the mountains
when evening draws in
Serenity waits
where the shadows begin




In the fragrance of dusk
and the murmur of breeze
The cares that we carry
fade into the trees





Nature in fullness
sheds blessings about
And the turmoil of living
fades quietly out





Hope glimmers through
with the evening star
Sorrows recede
in the darkness afar




Big girl helped me figure out how to download photos onto the computer, good thing she's here since hubby is gone - I am so technologically blonde! They do my cell phone, camera, computer, tv remotes, ect.



In theory, I didn't think that not having a grave would be a big deal. And until know, I havn't missed it. But now that we have a place for Christopher, I am finding myself thinking about it all the time, wanting to go and sit there, leave a flower. Just sit, mostly. We had deer with us while were putting our things around the cairn. It's a beautiful spot.

for Fe

I was listening to the Corrs today, this is their cover of an REM song. Hang in there, Fe. We love you.

i'm not cut out to be a working mom

oh, this is hard.

i'm used to being a work-at-home mom. it was 12 hour days of home daycare for 8 kids, but it was at home - i could do laundry, cook, water plants, tidy, ect. in between the work bits.

now i'm a work somewhere-else mom, and i feel like i'm on one of those whirling things in the playground. its going faster and faster, and i'm about to fly off the side. not to mention the fact that i get violently sick on spinning things.

hubby has gone north. may visit at xmas, home in june-ish. was going to take the truck, but convinced him to leave it - having to fix the brakes and alternator, having it break down on him 3 times in 1 week may have helped!

tired. so tired. but coping well. i feel better than before, better every week.

christophers birthday is coming up. little boy talks about him all the time right now. we are going to have a birthday party for him next week, so christopher can invite all his spirit friends. we are going to build a cairn for him near our cemetary (he doesn't have a spot here. his memorial was in the town i grew up in, where we spend our holidays, where my nana is buried. no marker yet, still working on it. the one i sent couldn't be done, it has to be revised. crap.) christopher is being given a memorial brunch this weekend, by my friends who read my facebook, and then the blog.

that feels a bit weird, since they didn't know him. but i'm curious, and thankful, and appreciative.

for years, the kids and i have celebrated customs from different cultures and religions. my way of trying to figure out life and death and god. we've included my nana in them for the last 2 years, now we are including christopher. (all have a section on honoring ancestors and lost loved ones)

the girls still don't say anything about him. even when i am talking to the little boy about him. hubby doesn't either. i wonder if i am right to keep him in our lives. maybe i should let him become a dim memory for them.

for me, he is as real and present as my other kids.

i think i will write their birth stories or something, in remembrance. i'll think about it.

my wheels

I feel like I have a new lease on life.

Normally its such an effort for me to go anywhere, the walking is very hard because of the cmt, and i get exhausted. it means i'm very limited in where i go. and i have no vehicle right now.

But this month i have been using my sisters old bike (old - no brakes, squeaks, no shocks, . . ) and i can go places.

the first day i rode 5 blocks to school with the kids, then biked back home. could hardly walk into the house, my legs were like jelly!

4 weeks later, and i can ride into town, twice!

i used to hate bikes. too scared of the speed, and of falling/crashing.

i guess this is one fear i have overcome for the moment.

and the freedom is awesome!

i'm going to hate the snow, though. maybe i'll get a sled dog.

life carooms on

well, there were a lot of people paying attention to facebook, and curious enough to take the time to read the whole blog.

erk.

but excellent feedback. and I have started talking to my sister about feelings *gasp*. (our family doesn't talk about feelings, or show feelings. except my mom, but we all roll our eyes - she's a mom, for god's sake, what does she know? lol)

so, the first step was a doozy, but alls well that ends well.

now i have to think of another fear. and actually, I think its not fear so much as anxiety. which are different.

like, when hubby said he was going away for 3 months, I immediately began to be afraid of noises at night, had to get a monitor so i could hear the kids better, had trouble sleeping, ect. thats anxiety, not a fear of the dark or something.

He just phoned. Was supposed to come home in 2 days, stay for awhile, then go up north looking for a job. However, he got a call to work in revelstoke for 2 weeks, so he'll come home tonight at midnight, and leave tomorrow at 9am with our only vehicle.

so.

some rethinking, some juggling. some more missing him, from all of us. but we'll survive, we always do. thank goodness for med's. lol.

Out of the closet

Okay, I just posted on facebook. The word is out, the blog is open to people I actually know, and some I actually see everyday.

Hopefully, no-one is paying attention!

fight fear

I feel like I've been afraid all my life. And I've noticed I have a real victim mentality - poor me, someone has to rescue me.

Everyone is afraid, but my fears took control of me when I was in highschool. I've been able to get some control back over the years, but I still need to do some work on it. I need to be the rescuer, and save myself.

so, I'm going to start fighting the fear.

starting today, I'm going to do one thing a day that fights my fear. hmmm, actually, that's too unrealistic. starting tomorrow, I'm going to do one thing a week to fight my fear. (gotta love us procrastinators!)

I'm going to start with letting my facebook friends know that I have a blog. I have to stop complaining that no-one see's me, and let people in. First step - the blog.

The farm

This band is from Quebec, but they were playing at a friends house in the little town where i grew up. I've been staying there this month.

The band was playing in the backyard, 40 people listening, when a big bear walked past. the band's eyes grew huge, everyone turned around to see what they were looking at. Then everybody just turned back, and kept listening. the band was flabbergasted that no-one was worried. it was hilarious. bears are so common place here.

I've been milking my mom's goats twice a day. one goat is short, but has a huge udder. she practically drags it around on the ground. I can hardly get the pot under her when i milk, and her babies have to almost lie on the ground to get anything. the other goat is tall and has a small udder. her babies had to be lifted up when the were small.

my mom just got a miniture goat - a little male goat. She needs to get smaller goats because she's getting too old to handle the bigger ones. she's already stopped raising calves. anyway, the buck is hilarious. his name is udaman - 'you the man'. we call him manny. he looks like a pot belly pig, his legs are so short. he disappears in the tall grass when he goes out. my mom hasn't figured out how to breed them yet - maybe he'll have to stand on a bale of hay so he can reach the does?

I've been picking garlic, and braiding it to hang and dry. we picked raspberries and currants to make jelly. my sisters heirloom tomatoes are coming in - all different shapes and colors and flavours.

i sure love the farm.

Deflections

I was thinking of how much I annoy people by being unreachable, and how hard it is for me to stop doing it.

I was reading a journal from several years ago, and it has all the same words as one from just a few years ago, and this blog - wanting to be part of life, to feel something, to connect with others, and trying to find the way to do it. its been years! i wrote, years ago - "sickness, lingering, the trek to wellness goes slow, a climb taken inch by inch." i had no idea it would take this long, lol.

I totally deflect everything. people don't feel that I'm there, that i'm giving them anything real. and they are hurt, they think they don't matter to me, that i'm ignoring them because i don't like them.

i wrote last nite . . .

Deflections

To my husband,
I am frigid, brittle, cold.
He throws his words at me,
and they bounce off my frozen heart.
But under the ice,
my hurt flows freely.

To my mother-in-law,
I am a closed window.
She throws her words at me,
and they drop to the ground.
But behind the glass,
I am shattered.

To my children,
I am a cloud.
Distant, drifting, untouchable.
They throw their words to me,
and I am silent.
But inside the mist,
I am loving them.

I have locked myself away.
The world throws life at me,
and I deflect it, not letting it in.
But cracks are starting to appear,
and I am glad to see the light filtering in again.

Christopher is responsible for some of the cracks. I was so afraid of being hurt, I never let myself experience anything. But I survived the grief, I FELT something and survived. I am very thankful for that. I like to think (like a santa claus or toothfairy story) that he came to be with us because he knew and loved us from a previous life, and although he knew he couldn't stay, he came because knew that he would be able to give us some very wonderful gifts. My feelings being one of them. I try to remember that when I freeze up. hah, my mantra - feelings are goooood. freezing is baaaaaad. words to live by.

Tired is my middle name

well. that was a long month.

hubby has gone off to school. doing well, liking the machines, and the people there.

little boy has learned to ride his bike! still very wobbly, won't go far, but he's on his way.

daughter #2 has just gone off to camp for a week, about 5 hours away. she was very excited, its going to be so much fun - dragon boating, rock climbing, swimming, games, friends, . . .

daughter #1 has been volunteering with her guiding group - a triathalon and a swim meet, so far. she's also doing babysitting.

we had friends visit for 5 days. they are like family, even though we havn't seen (or talked to them - except hubby)them for a year, we all picked up where we left off.

I was in vancouver for 4 days, getting tests done, and getting information on my condition. I have Charcott-Marie-Tooth Syndrome - which has nothing to do with teeth - it affects the feet and hands. I have additional trouble with my swallowing, but it turns out that I am a very slow progressor, so probably will not have too severe of trouble with either feet, hands, or throat. good news!

it is affecting my work though. I get so tired. Beyond exhaustion. It seems so strange that i do half of what i used to do in my 20's and early 30's, but i get waaaay tireder. (yes, that is a word, and it applies to me)

I think I will be looking more work soon, I get confirmation next week from the school I was working at before wether or not they will be hiring me back in a different capacity, but the rumor is "no, not enough enrollment". I finish up 3 weeks of summer camp, then go to my mom's. so i will be subbing again in sept., and looking for something part-time, hopefully. full-time is too much, if i'm not desperate, I'm going to try not to.

I'm in the grief stage where I notice that no-one ever mentions Christopher. I know my mom and sister think about it when I'm there, because of my sisters new baby, they are worried I will be upset. they talk to each other about it, but they don't say anything to me. I don't think anyone else thinks about him. Just me. If people suddenly remember during a conversation, something jogging their memory, they go quiet, then change the topic. they are uncomfortable. I guess if i want to talk about him, i should just continue the conversation. if they arn't okay with it, i won't do it again with them. I don't think i was ready to talk about it before anyway. too raw.

I've had 2 days off now. a chance to rest. i have an urge to color my hair blue, put on matching nail polish, get my nose repierced, and be quirky again. to have some life, some fun, not just float through the day. i so admire people who let their inner selves shine. i think my goal for the next year is to show bits of myself to others - and yes i say that every year, but maybe this year i will!

stomach flip-flops

well, daughter #1 has just had her tonsils and adnoids out, and is in recovery and doing well.

good thing her dad went with her, because I'm practically passing out, LOL! I used to be able handle blood and accidents no problem, but the last few years I've slowly been getting worse and worse. Probably because I'm thinking about my poor little babies. I feel so silly.

My medication is working, and its not the zombie med. this time. I'm back in the real world, not floating away on the edges, drowning in anxiety and sadness. I still have feelings, and I can look forward to the day. I wish I could manage on my own, but I'm glad I have a backup for when I don't.

Hubby has been accepted into his course, so he will be gone for 3 months soon. Not sure how we will survive, but we will get through it, we always do. both our parents have offered to help with money, and looking after kids, and food. those are the 3 main things.

so at the moment, life is highway - fairly safe to walk along, room for family and friends, moving forward. not the usual barely visible line, with me dangling desperately below it by my fingertips. so I guess I'm still 'getting a life' afterall.

The sun is out

After 2 weeks of rain, the sun is out. We went for a hike on nearby sunflower hill. Glorious!

And I feel better too. I think I have been caught up in anticipation anxiety - I stress about what will happen, but the actual things aren't that bad at all. Hubby and I survived our weekend of figuring out what to do about the summer. A few days of intense stress, and now we're good.

I will try hard to remember that, as Tana's tonsil and adnoid surgery approaches, and I am already freaking out.

one day at a time? not me - i need to plan ahead, be prepared. but . . . one THING at a time - I can do that. summer planning is started, i can let it go for now. i will prep for the surgery, make sure i have freezies and ice-cream, then i will worry about the summer again.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Depression is so insidious. I always think I am doing okay, that I'm stressed but coping. Then I find out that I'm totally not. I remember when daughter #1 was a baby, I was convinced that she wasn't eating enough, taking her to the doctors. Looking back at her pictures, she is the chubbiest little thing - but I didn't see it. I remember seriously looking at all sides of a decision, consiously choosing the best option . . . and later realizing that the things i was thinking about wern't even there, i was living in my own little world.

Now that i'm taking the medication again, i can see how it had started again. I was starting to sit in a room full of people and feel like i was in a bubble, not connected to anything. it is the warning sign for me - whenever i no longer feel like a part of anything, that i'm floating on the edges, that's when i start to go off the edge big time. further and further from reality. more and more anxiety.

i had thought that my new coping skills, and knowing what to look for, would keep me out of trouble. scary to realize that if i wasn't forced into it, i still wouldn't have done anything about it. maybe next time i will catch it. each time i learn something, i guess.

__________________________________________________________________

Anyway, things are looking up. We found a way to survive the summer, and we are feeling better!

the walls are threatening to come crumbling down

what a week.

I am finally sending off the gravestone wording - i'll post a picture of what we decided to go with in the summer when we go visit and take pictures. lots of tears, but a sigh of relief too, that its done.

had to spend $1700 to fix the truck and get the credit card out of hold for not paying the bill. we just got another bill for over $2000. not sure where that is going to come from. I don't have a job for July or August, and was told on friday that the student I work with isn't returning, so no job to return to. I put my name into the ring with other applicants for a position starting in sept, we'll see how that works. hubby has no prospects that he is willing to consider, job-wise, but he's looking into going away for a few months to take a course.

I should be able to cobble together some subbing jobs and part-time work over the summer to bring in a bit, and we can cut out a few bills and use the food bank.

I'm dreading the conversations in the next few days as we tackle this though. we get through our relationship by not talking. avoidance is a marriage skill that works for us. working things out has never worked. now that we actually have to come to some decisions, who knows what will happen. i envision total chaos, the end of the world as we know it!

knowing our track record, we will procrastinate long enough that no decisions will need to be made. either things will work out, or matters will be taken out of our hands.

i'm crossing my fingers that the walls of our relationship, our dreams of living in this town, and our selves - our ablity to hold it together, are strong enough to survive this summer.

on hold

well, my ongoing attempt to 'get a life' is going on 'pause' again.

i got off my zombie medication and learned better coping skills for my depression. then i got sick right away, and didn't leave the bedroom for 8 months.

i'm just starting to see the beauty in life, to look forward to stuff, to care, to interact, to feel again.

and tomorrow i start the zombie med's again.

i need them to keep working. hubby is still unemployed. his latest plan is to leave for 2 months of excavator school, then finding work wherever it takes him. its a pretty good plan. we are pretty broke.

but i'm working long days, and am so exhausted i can hardly exist. it was just manageable when he was here to take care of everything. i won't manage as well on my own. my summer work is going to be stressful, and i'm worried about how i'll handle it. and working with kids, i don't want to take any chances. i've already crossed the line, not able to cope at the end of the day.

so its back to zombie mode. no feelings. safer for the job, sadder for my family as i disappear again. i'll try hard to keep connected, but its difficult. at least there's no depression mixed in with it. and hopefully its only short-term.

the deadline (no pun intended)

i have to decide on what to put on christophers gravestone. my dad has paid for it, and has been asking since christmas for the wording. there is still a hole in the ground left for it, and the cemetary people have to fill it in.



and yet i just can't.



its the last thing, and then we're done.



i guess i don't want to be done, because i can't make myself tell my dad to go ahead and do it.


but time has run out, so this is what i'm thinking. i want the words to convey that he changed our world, that we took good things from his being here, rather than negative things.

space is limited.

maybe . . . . 'love endures all things' or 'he touched our hearts'. oh, i know. his grave is next to my nana's, and hers has 'forever in our hearts' under the date. i'll put 'love . . . it lasts forever'.

above the name, where my nana's says 'in loving memory of our dear mom and nana', i'll put 'he touched our hearts'.

i'll run it by hubby tomorrow. he's drunk right now. i was researching fetal alcohol syndrome for my job yesterday, and ran across a chart. he doesn't qualify for an addiction. he's just a heavy drinker.

my mom grew up with a family, extended family, all the people her family hung out with, of alcoholics. she has bad memories. so i grew up thinking that drinking was bad. hubby's family, extended family, friends ect. were all heavy drinkers, only a couple of alcoholics. so they think drinking is okay until it gets out of control.

i know that hubby is drinking a lot, but that he has not crossed into the 'problem' area, so i will relax and not worry so much. he has shown that he can control it when he needs to. and with me always in the background, he will get lots of advance notice when he gets close to crossing the line!! :)

our world

See. . . . . I told you we have snow!

of course, it melts off within a few hours.

But still.

Snow?!

We have started going on picnics and exploring on the weekends.

This is a lake about 40 min.'s from our place.

It is spring fed, so the most amazing color, incredibly clear, and apparently very, very cold all year round.

There were people fishing who told us that. they also showed us the fish they caught. some nice sized, some huge. but the huge ones weren't for eating. they were old breeding fish from the hatchery nearby, which had been released when they became too old. they also had had their noses and tails cut off for some reason. very weird. we felt like we had stumbled upon some escaped mutants from a secret laboratory, like in a horror movie. There were even black globs all over the bushes, that are insect cocoon things. I guess soon, bugs will start coming out of them. we just needed some monster to rise up out of the lake, and it would have been complete.

We live very close to the Rocky mountains. When we lived on the coast, these are what I missed the most. The tree's, the snow, the fresh air, . . the mountains. It's nice to be back.

All the photo's were taken by hubby.

spring

spring is here. well, its been snowing all week, but the tulips and daffodils came out last week, so its technically spring.

baseball and soccer started this week. COLD!

second daughter is the only girl in her baseball league, and loving it. I thought she might drop out, but she is proud of being able to do what the boys do. What a tomboy. And she is such a skid - remember the eighties' skid? Tight jeans, ratty t-shirt, long stringy hair, attitude. cracks me up!

little boy is in soccer. last year all his friends were in it, this year he is so excited to be joining them. He's had one practice. He was one of 4 kids out of 50 who spent most of the time sitting on their ball, wandering around, picking up interesting sticks. I thought he didn't like it, but he was like "why is it over, i was having fun!" He's always off in his own world. hmmm, come to think of it, i need to get his ears checked. he's been having difficulty understanding us lately. maybe that explains some it!

big girl is getting braces and a tonsillectomy/adnoidectomy in the next few months. poor thing.

hubby is still unemployed, and not happy about it. I worry about his drinking, but he hasn't got himself into trouble. we know a few people who have just lost their kids or jobs because of drugs or alcohol. hubby doesn't cross that line. drinking sounds so 'bad', but is it really that different than spending lots of time blogging or scrappbooking or making minature trains? he hates that i 'judge' him. but i'm always watching to see how many he's having. i hate that i do that, that i'm so aware of it. i guess i'm like a back seat driver, afraid that if i stop pointing everything out, he'll crash. maybe i should just 'look out the window', and let him be.

i am okay. the elephant in my room is getting easier to see around. i am moving forward.

that said, i can't wait to be 5 years in the future, and through the worst of it. everything now is either compared to last year, or anticipating the next milestone.

Things I learned at school this week

I work at a school. these are some of the things i learned this week:

- dragon species are differentiated by the number of toes. chinese dragons have 5 on each foot, korean dragons have 4, and japanese dragons have 3. (chinese new year)

- hand sanitizer takes away the itch from bug bites better than anti-itch medications. apparently, the sanitizer cleans out the saliva, which is what causes the itch. (we went to a science fair put on by local schools)

- a little girl told me the secret to spelling 'because', which i told to the little guy i support, and he made this one up and spelled it right on his spelling test for the first time . . . Brothers Eat Chunky Animals Under Sally's Egg.

- the world is a very confusing place when you are 10 and can't read. All the signs we take for granted, wherever we go, are unintelligible. And because he is 10, people expect him to know what to do. To not touch, to be careful, to go this way, to do this or that. It was easier in the big city, where signs are made for people who have English as a second language. Here in the small town, its much harder.

- life is unfair when you are a kid, and have no voice. Adults often make decisions off the cuff, just because they can. "I don't like that, go to the office". I think that is why I shut myself off in school, and at home, when i was a kid. too much frustration, too little control - easier to give up, not care, tune out. All of a sudden i realize how it happened - my living outside of life. This might make it easier to get back in, and get that life i'm working toward.

- glitter is very hard to clean up. days later, and it is still turning up in hair, under tables, on clothes, on kids.

- our area has incredible trilobite digs, people often go out digging, and come back with beautiful fossils. other creatures turn up as well. (we talked to a paleontologist)

- in this town, with its skihill, many kids and their parents develop ski-itis on sunny or snowy days. this can add up to a lot of 'sick' days.

still here

Had a long week, last week. Busy with work, lots to do at home in the evenings to prepare for the next day. This week, I've been able to do it at work. Getting a handle on it all. Not eating enough, tired. Still not enough this week, but we'll shop again next week, and I'll eat better then. Hubby finally picked up some work for a few weeks. good, because we'll have food money, bad because now i have to come home and make dinner and do homework and make lunches and put kids to bed. i miss having a house-husband! my heart has been skipping beats. i get a heart monitor in a few weeks to check it out. probably an electrolite imbalance, the doctor says. i've been grieving the end of my baby time. no more breast feeding, no more babies in my bed. found out that both my sister and my brother are expecting their third baby in the spring. both families were pregnant when i saw them at christmas, but didn't say anything because we had christopher's memorial then, and they didn't want to hurt me. they would all have been the same age. whenever i see the two little cousins, i will always see christopher with them. there is a lady who teaches at my school, and brings her baby with her. last week she put the baby on my desk for an hour while she taught. very hard to smile and coo at him without crying. i so wish i had my baby. was feeling very sorry for myself, then i read about some kids who died of heart problems in their first months. and one in our town who is 2 or 3. very glad my kids didn't have to go through that. it would have been so much harder for them. i however would give anything to have seen his eyes, his smile.

found one!

just got our christmas pic.'s.

This is hubby.

we took several million photo's of us all nice and calm - but daughter #1 wouldn't cooperate. finally I told them to take some goofy ones.

I like this better, anyway :)

It's all about the baby

wow.

I've read about how couples who are trying to get pregnant say that everytime they turn around, they see a pregnant woman, or a commercial about babies, or whatever.

They are right. I sort of knew it before, but it was background, like elavator music. Now I know it because it stabs me in the heart. Every time I turn around.

We are sure a baby orientated society. Because new parents are the best consumers, probably.

I think I need to go to Fe's deserted isle for a few months!

Us

This is my eldest daughter. I'll have to ask her what 'blog name' she wants. She just turned 13, we are having 9 girls over for a rock star sleepover party this friday. Wish me luck, and ear plugs!

She will always be my baby. She slept in our bed until she was 6. She - 'gasp' - nursed until she was 5. I know, it sounds awful, but her baby sister got to nurse, and she wasn't ready to quit yet. She wouldn't stay with a babysitter until she was 10. she gets very anxious over any changes. and yet she's capable and responsible enough to have been looking after her younger brother and sister after school for 2 years. very moody, but a nice girl, everyone says.

This is the little boy. My snuggly guy. The charmer.

He is so relaxed, and accepting. I've never had to worry about him, he never gets into trouble.

He's turning 6 in three weeks.

He used to live for hot wheels, right now he's into star wars.

This is me.

This is daughter #2.

9 years old.

the size of a kindergartner, she just made it over 40 pounds this year - no more carseat, yay!

the personality of a giant. she was born in the year of the dragon, and it shows. she is the smallest person in her school, but she owns the hallway when she walks down it. she dominates every situation. she owns the world, and will do great things with it one day.

I will find a picture of hubby, and post it next. and a picture of Christopher when it comes. and photo's of our new house. now that i figured out how to post photo's, i can go crazy!

Whine

I wish that I wrote more about other stuff, other than just my troubles.

I don't want to be known as that poor grieving mom.

I'm working hard on getting a life, and enjoying it. There is more to me than just the bad stuff.

But there aren't many other places for me to talk about this stuff. In fact, the only person I can talk to is my mom, and she is busy with lots of other stuff, so I try not to bug her too much.

My job keeps me busy, and I'm really enjoying working with kids again.

I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER, healthwise, I just want to do cartwheels (if I could do cartwheels, which I can't). I was taking antidepressants for 5 years, which combined with the mental stress of anxiety and depression, made me soooooo tired and distant from everyone and everything. Then I was totally off the wall last fall when I came off the medication. Then I was soooooo sick with the pregnancy.

Now, for the first time in YEARS, I'm laughing, joking around with the kids, enjoying life. I'm so thankful, and appreciating every second of it.

My days are wonderful.

My nights are not.

I guess I need to grieve sometime, and since I'm not during the day, it all comes out at night.

I can't sleep. After my hubby falls asleep, I think about death and cry. He doesn't even know. He thinks everything is wonderful. And since he's stressed about finding a job, I havn't told him. Besides, he's usually been drinking, and I learned years ago to avoid heart-to-heart discussions when that's the case. It's hard enough when he's himself!

I had a lot of talks about death over christmas. With my mom, because we had christopher's memorial on Dec.28th. With my friend, because it was her first christmas without her husband. He took his own life last april.

The suicide talks have brought back so many memories of my own struggles with depression. and I've told her that i might not be the best person to talk with, because i'm on his side. I think he had the right to take his life, and its a shame that he had to sneak around to do it. they could have had a loving goodbye. I'm trying to teach my kids that death is natural, not a bad thing, so that they can say goodbye to me when I go. Or say goodbye to anyone who dies.

Life is such a struggle when its going well. When you have mental issues or health issues, life is almost unbearable. Every minute is so hard, and there are a lot of minutes in a day. The days are soooooo long.

I'm only here because my husband and my kids need me. When they can let me go, I will go. And I don't think that's a bad thing. I'm enjoying life. But its not what I live for. I will be happy to go when its time. Even though thinking about leaving makes me cry, I want to go.

I guess I shouldn't be having long talks about suicide just after losing my baby. Maybe I'm still a little unbalanced. But I'm not suicidal, or even depressed.

I am having some signs of anxiety. Trouble sleeping. Trouble eating. Trouble breathing sometimes. But minor still. I know to get help when it gets worse. And then my wonderful days will become a monumental struggle again.

So I am LOVING my days. Nothing like death to make you appreciate how wonderful nature is. How wonderful kids are. How wonderful love is.

So that's my rambling whine. I wish life were always as wonderful as it seems on the outside. But I have nightmares under my bed.

Next post will not mention death. I've promised myself.