Monday, December 23, 2013

I found a poet

I just discovered Billy Collins. Such amazingly awesome poems. I like these ones the best, so far ......

I Go Back To The House For A Book

I turn around on the gravel
and go back to the house for a book,
something to read at the doctor’s office,
and while I am inside, running the finger
of inquisition along a shelf,
another me that did not bother
to go back to the house for a book
heads out on his own,
rolls down the driveway,
and swings left toward town,
a ghost in his ghost car,
another knot in the string of time,
a good three minutes ahead of me—
a spacing that will now continue
for the rest of my life.
Sometimes I think I see him
a few people in front of me on a line
or getting up from a table
to leave the restaurant just before I do,
slipping into his coat on the way out the door.
But there is no catching him,
no way to slow him down
and put us back in synch,
unless one day he decides to go back
to the house for something,
but I cannot imagine
for the life of me what that might be.
He is out there always before me,
blazing my trail, invisible scout,
hound that pulls me along,
shade I am doomed to follow,
my perfect double,
only bumped an inch into the future,
and not nearly as well-versed as I
in the love poems of Ovid—
I who went back to the house
that fateful winter morning and got the book. 

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Fears

Poor little boy. Watched an episode of Doctor Who at dinner, and it happened to be a scary one. Now he's up and scared of zombies. No more Doctor Who for us. I wish we had never let him watch TV - ever, but being the youngest, he gets more, and earlier than the girls did. I totally gave up fighting with hubby about it when he was 3.5 or 4 yrs old - I couldn't do it anymore. And poor little boy is the loser. And of course my feeling sorry for him makes it worse, makes him think that he's right to be scared. Mothers are always wrong and to blame. Everyone says so. Everything is always our fault. No matter what we do. I hate it. Poor little boy.

And big girl had a total meltdown this evening. She is so tired of being "stupid", and is so stressed about school, that the mere thought of bad news laid her out. we didn't even get to talk about it- it wasn't that bad of news, she just lost it at the thought getting the news! She is in therapy to deal with her anxiety and learned tendency to give up. I guess its helping, since she can now express herself, and is getting some confidence in herself. Maybe we will talk about it tomorrow.

And I think I must have Aspergers or something. I find this person stuff too overwhelming. I would much rather just deal with ideas and things. Always have, I guess I always will. I think that's why I like working with babies so much - so much less is demanded mentally from you. I am so tired. My brain just wants to curl up into a ball and suck its thumb.

Monday, November 25, 2013

The sleepless house

My hubby can fall asleep in less than 5 minutes. I usually take at least an hour.

One of the kids takes after hubby, thank the lord.

The other two have a lot of trouble falling asleep.

The big girl often says she's up for hours. She seems to have figured out how to deal with it, and hasn't complained for awhile. I'm sure the ipad in the bedroom both makes it harder to fall asleep, and whiles away the hours of sleeplessness. I remember reading for hours when I was a teen.

This year the little boy is having a lot of trouble. He's almost 10 now, so maybe hormones are kicking in. It seems to come in waves, with weeks of complaining that he's up for 'hours', then weeks where he falls asleep after only an hour and a half.

We have tried cutting back on TV and computer time after dinner to see if that would help. Its hard to tell, since this family can't sustain it for very long. We are a screen family, for better or for worse. I have given in, and let the screen rule. It is the most horrendous fight, with every member of the family, to go even 3 days with no screen time after dinner.

Little boys problem is made worse by his fear of the dark and the scary things out there. And that means that I have to stay up until he's asleep, or he just keeps coming into my room. He used to share a room with his sister, which really helped. Now the two girls are sharing, and he's on his own, and on the main floor by himself. Not really anywhere else to move him to, unless we squeeze him into the girls room. Which I may have to do.

We were having a wonderful couple of weeks where I could go to bed at 10:30pm to get 7 hours of sleep. Now he's up to 11, 11:30pm. I'm getting sleep deprived, lol. And so is he, of course. Maybe we will stick him in with the girls at night for a week or two, until he relaxes again.

Ahhhhh, problem solved.

Tomorrow, I will get some sleep. :)

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Comfort

This article has some things that I need to put into my life. I have been sad since the spring, not as overwhelmed by sadness as then, but still sad. I feel so good in some ways, so worried that i will fall into depression again in other ways. I need to get my comforts together. (I used to cuddle a stuffed dog and suck my thumb when sad - right up until my first child was born! Then I cuddled her, lol.) Time for another stuffie, I think. :)

Where I Find Comfort in a Scary World
by Mira Bartók
This past fall, a dear friend of mine developed a brain infection, followed by a massive stroke. I had always thought of Nancy, a gifted artist, as the other half of my brain. Since I was 19, Nan had been my confidante, mentor, friend and surrogate mom. My own mother, who died six years ago, was schizophrenic and incapable of being the stable parent I needed. Nancy had filled that void for more than 30 years.
After I learned of her illness, I had a hard time falling asleep. One night, before going to bed, I opened a book by one of my favorite Buddhist authors, hoping she could offer some pre-sleep comfort and enlightenment. But her words did nothing to help. I couldn’t focus. My mind kept ticking away: Is Nan going to be OK? Is she still there, somewhere in the forest of lost sentences that is her brain?
And then my frantic monkey mind moved on to other worrisome thoughts: my distraught friends who were still dealing with the aftereffects of Superstorm Sandy, the tragedy at Sandy Hook, my own personal woes. Some days it seems as if there is just too much sadness and chaos in the world.
I tried reading another page and gave up. Then I turned to something that often brings me solace: Kate DiCamillo’s The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane. It’s a story about an arrogant, vain china rabbit who must learn the hard lesson of love, through loss and struggle and loss once again. I opened the book and saw these lines from the poem “The Testing-Tree” by Stanley Kunitz: “the heart breaks and breaks / and lives by breaking. / It is necessary to go / through dark and deeper dark / and not to turn.”
Yes, I said to myself. I read those lines out loud, softly, my husband asleep by my side. And then—I admit it—I picked up something soft and fuzzy from my nightstand: a plush brown bunny with white ears. I keep it there for emergencies, along with my favorite picture books, Russian fairy tales and a collection of Yeats. These things comfort me. They renew my sense of wonder, especially in these dark times.
This past spring, I found myself, once again, with a bunny in one hand, rabbit book in the other. It was the night after the Boston Marathon bombing, and I was exhausted from grief. I asked myself, What else comforts me in my darkest hour? I made a mental inventory: My hand cupping my husband’s ear as he dozes off into dreamland. Our little dog, Sadie, curled up at my feet, her face turned toward the door. Why I cup my husband’s ear is a mystery. Why Sadie offers us her backside and not her sweet face is a mystery, too. But this arrangement soothes me. As does the heavy green mug I sip from, full of hot milk and molasses, when I need something to help me sleep. And now, since Nancy’s death in January, the photograph of her I placed on my refrigerator brings me the most comfort of all.

Sometimes a book about enlightenment can only go so far. Sometimes we need to return to elemental things, those soft, simple comforts: the sound of our loved one’s steady breath, the warmth of our dog, a picture book and, yes, even a plush bunny. For these things are the stuff of childhood. They are hope and wonder. And they are love.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Carousel



My merry-go-round is spinning too fast at the moment.

Still lovely music, sparkly lights, beautiful horses - just way too fast. I feel like I'm going to fall off soon.

I'm working on changing things up, letting things go, asking for more help.

Of course, at the same time, I have added a few new things. So there is a lot less sleep happening. And I'm off my med's. No side effects yet, thank goodness.

I went off them to get rid of the need to sleep constantly, always being tired no matter how much I slept. That is much improved. Unfortunately, its so much improved that now I can stay up late and wake up early to get things done.

Balance. I need to move from the merry-go-round to the the trapeze artists' tent. Learn to juggle while walking the tightrope.


However, life does not wait while you learn to balance. So I will sneak into the tent whenever I get a chance.

Like today. Home sick. A chance to peek into the tent and see what it could be like if I just learned to balance.

I think I will go have a bath. with bubbles. and learn to balance one thing. just one.

and then go back to the merry-go-round. (We are picking up another pet bunny in 2 hours. so now we have 7 pets again.)

hang on tight!



Monday, July 15, 2013

Small friends

Our little finch has injured her wing. I thought it was broken, with the bone sticking out. Which means that it won't heal. When we finally got in to see the vet, 2 days later, the bone wasn't out tho, so now it can heal.

So, I am giving Kizzie .02 ml of antibiotic once a day by mouth (beak?), and .02 ml of pain killer twice a day by mouth. She is NOT impressed! She is so lively, I wouldn't even have noticed the wing if it wasn't for the flopping down to the cage floor to eat, before she gets back up to the perches. (She is being kept in a small box right now to help keep her less mobile.)

I have to take her to a special sitter this weekend while we are away, so they can give her the medicine.

The things we do for family, hmmm?


Thursday, July 11, 2013

cracks in the wall

oh my, what a spring.

for some reason, I had been soooooo sad.

I think maybe too much exposure to sickness and death and disaster - from facebook, of all things. I don't watch TV because of that, and I don't read much in the news. But facebook was supposed to be a safe place for me, and lately its not.

And a lot happened - shootings, floods, drownings, bombings - many of which I had personal connections to. and thinking of jenna all the time - who, by the way, is doing well.

then pascha totally messed me up, being all about death, and I heard the services with the mother's viewpoint of losing her son for the first time.

I really have to live in my own little world, or its just too much for me.

I feel better now. finally.

I will finish the jenna project when i can, finding photos for the days i missed. it will take longer, but it will still be done.

a little funny to lighten the mood - i bought a children's cd for the truck, for my daycare babies. one of the songs is johnny cracked corn. my middle daughter asked incredulously, "johnny crapped corn?!". That prompted a long discussion on what cracked corn is. But now none of us can listen to that song without cracking up, lol!

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

She Grew!

We had a visit from Jenna last night - she is now 5'10", size 9.5 feet! She is doing well, considering. Her cancer is in remission, she has 1 more chemo instead of 2, then a bone marrow transplant, hoping to be home by October. She has been keeping up with her schoolwork, and hopes to back in highschool soon after. Way to go, girl! She was very tired, late for her meds and line flushing, on her way home to watch an episode of My Little Pony and go to bed. Then back to the hospital today.

Tuesday friends -
You are doing just great.


Wednesday Joie de Vivre -


Hubby is working his difficult shift a lot lately. He has several shifts which start and end at different times, and are from 11 to 14 hours. This one starts at eleven pm, which doesn't sound too bad, but is actually hard. We can't make dinner or wash dishes because he's sleeping at 5 or 6 pm in the next room. And he doesn't get much sleep because that's only 5 or 6 hours and its interrupted sleep since we make noise as we eat, do homework, go to bed. If he keeps getting this shift, I will have to rearrange things. Again. The joys of co-habitating.

Monday, May 13, 2013

First visit home in a long while :)

Sunday's Inspiration -


Monday's sick day - 
Look who's feeling better - Jenna showed up in her old school today!

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Memories

That post about photos made me so melancholy I went back and looked through my previous posts, like an album.

We are going to the farm in a few days, here is the picture I painted of it:

a large pie-shaped wedge of green
criss-crossed with fences made of wood and wire
splitting the 11 acres into 6 fields and 2 corals
clinging to the side of the mountain
so steep, you are higher than the trees below
so high, the mountain tops are just right there
9 goats wander around together
55 chickens and a rooster scratch the dirt
6 more little banties peep, peep, peep
and my bunny growls at the dog
ghosts of cows graze the fields
gone now, the bylaws make it impossible
to raise them
memories of horses, all sizes and colors
looking over the fence at us
in our treehouses and hidden forts
the lilacs are in bloom,
the fruit trees in blossom
bees and humming birds competing for
nector and pollen
and in the middle of it all
the house and barns
full of kids and light and family

I can't wait to get there. We didn't go last year. It's been too long.

Photos

Hmmm, I just checked the profile pic, and I don't actually look that different, other than shorter hair that is more grey. So, I'll keep it a bit longer.

I don't have any photos anyway. They used to be important to me. I would take photos all the time, and put them in scrapbooks to hold on to the memory. Then my kids could look at them. When I was away at college, and homesick, I would look through my childhood album for hours.

When I was faced with the possibility of losing baby Christopher, photos became sooooo important - I was so anxious that we get photos of him, since he would be here for so little time. But it didn't work out. He was born early, and the photographer didn't come until hours and hours later.

I was, and am still, so disappointed that he looks dead in his photos. He looks alive in my memories. I think I will get his portrait done one day when I have a little extra money. Then he will look like he's sleeping.

I never take photos anymore. Poor kids. A big 4 year chunk of time with no photos.  Maybe it is time to start again.

Sometimes I think I am getting over Christopher. Then I think maybe not.


Jenna's photo for today, Just being a girl - 


Can't go wrong painting your nails!


Friday, May 10, 2013

Lazy much?

I don't know if I'm lazy, or TIRED still, or suffering from gluten hang-over, or maybe everything plus more, but I cannot get anything done! It's driving me crazy.

Now, I just found out we are $1500 short this month, with no extra funds to dip into. I soooooo suck at math. So much for our great budget. I guess it would help if both hubby and i knew what the budget was. Time for a sit-down so i can show him the budget, and he can fix it.

Wish me luck getting back on track, cramming 15 million things to do into 1 day.

Jenna's photo:

Funny Friday -
This makes me laugh every time I read it. I just read it 6 times while writing this post, and  I snickered each time.
 Okay, just did it again, lol.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

A Day to Remember

This day will go down in my own personal history book - the first time I was mistaken for a Gramma. I am 44 years old, so it is possible. And I have kept some gray in my hair (right now, a lot of gray, I guess).
I will post a photo sometime soon. I have changed a little since my profile pic was taken 6 years ago, lol.

Jenna's power thursday -
Hulk Smash Cancer

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Catching Up

Two Sick Mondays -

Get well soon!


Two Friend Tuesdays -
Jenna's school has been holding fundraisers all year for her.



We all support Jenna in her fight!
2 Joie de Vivre Wednesdays -


 It's been 5 weeks post chemo & today is the first time in 7 weeks that Jenna can eat REAL food.  We have had a couple day passes, got some fresh air and a few giggles. Thank you all for the continued love, prayers and support you have sent our way. Xo -posted yesterday.

This is some joy

1 Power Thursday - 
Who is your favorite Super Hero?
Jenna amazes me day in and day out. Her strength and courage to do this all over again shows me she hasn't lost her fight or determination. She truly is my hero. - posted by her Mom on April 26th. 

1 Funny Friday - 

1 Girls Saturday - 
Just hanging out with her pups, I mean peeps. . . . 

1 Sunday of Inspiration - 






Sunday, April 28, 2013

Holy Week

The Orthodox Easter - which is called Pascha, has started. We go to church every day or night now, mourning the death of Jesus, and celebrating his resurrection.

The kids and I are all baptized now, but we definitely have varying opinions on everything! I will let you know some of our ideas about Jesus, and the whole church thing, this week.

Starting tomorrow.

Jenna's photos:

Friday's Fun day:        


Saturday is just being a girl: 
My little Pony, as girls. Jenna loves Rainbow Dash.

Sunday's Inspiration:  

Miss you, Jenna.

 

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Whoa, your eyelashes look weird

That's what I said to my middle girl this morning. After several minutes of examination and discussion, it turns out she was helping daddy bbq last night and singed her eyelashes. Nice way to wake up!

Jenna's Tuesday Friend day photo:

Walter loves you - when you stop bouncing, lol.

Wednesday's Joie de Vivre:

Can you love life anymore than this?!

Stay well, Jenna!




Monday, April 22, 2013

Late as always

I'm always late. Probably because I try to do too much in one day. And because it seems like I should be able to do something in 'this' amount of time, when really it takes me 'that' amount of time because I move slower!

After many, many late nights, the basement is done, the daycare is inspected, and I am officially a licensed in-home daycare. Yay!! Now I can do something else!

Jenna had her birthday last week, she is 15 now. Here are the photos I missed . . .

3 Saturdays of just being a girl:

Hanging with The Tenors
 
Nothing beats a circus!
Just being a cowgirl,during remission




















3 Sundays of inspiration:










3 Sick Mondays:

The first Christmas since getting sick
First birthday since getting sick.












2 Friend Tuesdays:

Jenna and her dog, Dior


2 Joie de Vivre Wednesdays: 

                                                    
And then she said .......




               
Getting the casts off, from falling off a bike!
This happened last year.
Riding her bike (just days before her diagnosis)

2 Power Thursdays:

                 

2 Fun Fridays:


This is Jenna's Facebook Cover page
 
A funny to make us laugh


Friday, April 5, 2013

The lost week

Oh, this week has passed in a blur.

I am trying to piece the basement back together so that I can have the kids back in it by Monday. One week late.

I am soooooo tired, all the time. I will have a doctor's appointment soon to begin following the clues - is it the medication, the heart glich, the wheat intolerance, the CMT, or something else?

Trying to figure out how to help the big girl with her learning issues is exhausting. So many different people to talk to, so many different opinions, so many different ways to go about it. And if I chose the wrong one, then it is me who has wasted money we don't have and years of her life.

But, ever the optimist - next week will be wonderful. Spring has sprung, and life is fun. I will get outside to enjoy it.

Jenna's pictures:

Sunday - inspirational quote day (changed from prayer day)


Monday - sick day. He looks like you feel!


Tuesday - friend day. We love how you love your friends.


Wednesday - Joie de vivre. Time to jump in the puddles.


Thursday - You've got the power day. (changed from talent day)


Friday - today, finally. Fun day. That's Jenna on the left, bouncing through life as the rest of us slog through the daily grind.