Persephone, Part 2

 So I had my next session with Donna, it went amazing as always.

We worked to figure out what it will look like for Persephone to grow up, something I hadn't thought of. I knew she needed to grow up, but hadn't thought of what that would look like.

adult

child

I need to build a staircase, with child Persephone at the bottom and adult Persephone at the top. I have no idea yet what each step will look like. 

I did figure out that I want my steps to hold my signs - the things I need to watch out for so I can deal with Artemis's dogs before they overwhelm her - and that if I slip back a step, then I can see it and deal with it. Normally I am ignoring them so hard that I don't see my signs at all, so Persephone has to step in to keep me and others safe.

Donna said not to feel bad if I slip back, but use that opportunity to figure out how to move forward. 

I also figured out that my job in childcare allowed me to stay in the same place - it didn't change for 40 years, so essentially I stayed the same as my 'teenage babysitter/oldest sibling of 4' self. I really never did grow up. I did a Peter Pan, lol. 

flower fairy - peter pan persephone

I definitely have the coping skills of a preschooler, so that could partially explain my overwhelm if it was like expecting a 5 yr old to run a household and a business at the same time. 

I wonder what the staircase will look like?

Persephone

So, in the book Goddesses in Every Woman, Persephone is the daughter - the good girl, the one who doesn't commit to anything but drifts along, letting others take the lead. Her descent into the Underworld can be compared to going deeply into the darkness of mental health, and she is the one associated with depression, schizophrenia, ect. She is the one full of child-like wonder.

She has another aspect to her - Queen of the Underworld. She has grown up and taken on responsibility - as Queen, she cares for the dead souls that Hecate brings to the Underworld. 

In my new goddess idea, Artemis is trying to take care of her dogs (emotions) but I am ignoring her. Both she and the dogs get more and more wild and destructive, until finally Persephone steps in to keep me and others safe.

She disengages and drifts along, picking flowers in the field. Hecate takes the dogs. Eventually, Persephone's connection to life fades away, Hecate walks her down to the Underworld, and she becomes a prisoner in the dark. This is the coping skill that I fall back to every time the dogs get to be too much.

I was totally unaware of this pattern. But now that I see it, Persephone can grow up. She can still step in when needed, but can work with Hecate to calm the dogs. She will not be trapped in darkness, as Queen, she can come and go as the seasons turn. She will care for me as if I were one of her dead souls, then I will walk with her, back to life, as she rejoins Demeter, and Spring begins. She has strength, compassion, and power. She is the friend who has your back, no matter what.

She is a paranormal heroine who holds her own with Hades, who takes over many of his duties in the Underworld, and who kicks ass. She can handle it.

Artemis

 So, I've been working on the goddesses idea, here is what I have so far.

The 7 goddesses of Every Woman are:

the three independent ones:

Artemis - strong, powerful, takes action

Athena - Business

Hestia - Home, inner life

The three in relationships:

Hera - wife, identity based on husband

Demeter - mother, identity based on kids

Persephone - daughter, drifts through life, good girl / taken to Hades, later Queen of Hades (grows up)

The one with both:

Aphrodite - likes to be in relationships but she chooses who to love

So, I feel like I am an Artemis girl - she's a nature-loving tomboy. She sort of has adhd, or aspergers - doesn't care what people think, is black-and-white, has a destructive temper, does what she wants. When things are good, I feel like I can do anything. Her love interests are more like a sibling relationship. 

She also has 13 dogs, and takes 7 at a time hunting with her.

If I put emotion names on the dogs, then she is the one who deals with emotions - trains/controls them, includes them - not ignores them, is strong enough and smart enough to get them working together.

Before the goddess idea, I just thought of myself as being overwhelmed by emotions.

With the Atremis idea, she is the one who deals with emotions. When things are going well, life is under control. When I ignore my cues, the dogs go wild and Artemis's destructive temper comes out as she struggles with them. Artemis struggles for a long long time, and the dogs get more and more out of control as I continue to ignore them.

That's when good girl Persephone takes over - she disengages, she drifts. Hecate comes in to take the dogs. Eventually, Persephone's connection to life fades away, Hecate walks her down to Hades, and she becomes a prisoner in the dark. This is the coping skill that I fall back to every time the dogs get to be too much.

So that was the way things used to be. I didn't know I had cues, and when I learned about them then I didn't see them. 

Now that I have the goddess visual, I can change the pattern. 

I can be strong, I can work with Artemis instead of leaving her to fight a losing battle by herself.

New Me

 Had an amazing session with my FAVORITE counselor, Donna at New Path Counselling.

19 years of seeking help, learning lots on my own and through workshops but still not knowing the REASON  WHY  my depression keeps happening and therefore being terrified of it coming back.

And - we found it! I have only seen her 4 times, but what she does works perfectly with my brain. The first time I saw her, I came in and said I needed help but didn't know what to ask for.

She pulled out her sand table, directed me to her shelves of trinkets and walked me through one of the most insightful sessions I have ever had. 

This time I came in and told her that I had been planning to let it all go, and not obsess over why the depression kept coming back. However, I'm supporting my Mom in early stage dementia and she keeps talking about the past and how guilty/resentful/hurt she is. So - very hard not to think about it, and usually when I try to figure it out, I get triggered and start spiralling down.

I mentioned that just like the first time I turned off my feelings in highschool and disengaged, I did the same sort of thing with my mother-in-law. I couldn't fix it and so I just stopped talking to her /seeing her.

She picked that up and ran with it and we discovered that it is a pattern that started in grade school and THAT  IS  WHY  IT  KEEPS  COMING  BACK -  I keep repeating that coping skill. One that helped me survive then, but now causes me to lose my connection with life so much that I won't survive.

Her homework was to find a different coping skill.

I have been learning a lot about goddesses since xmas, and recently read Goddesses in Every Woman. And bought Kali Oracle Cards and learned a lot about Kali. Not worshipping or appropriating, just learning and loving. I am rewriting my inner dialogue and my coping skills with the goddesses as my template. And it feels so much more stronger and powerful.  

So empowering. I think I will survive now.