my day stops

I have noticed a pattern.

When I get the news that little boy has had a seizure, my day is shot while I process it.

It has happened about 6 times.

Each time, my mom talks about how normal it is to worry, blah, blah, blah. I say I'm not worrying, and I'm not.

But I have noticed that nothing gets done for the rest of the day. I forget to turn the stove on, then i forget to turn it off. I forget what i'm doing. I forget my purse in the store. My words come out jumbled, as if I can't find the right word. I leave the kids to play, while I go watch tv.

So i guess I'm avoiding worrying by not thinking?

I know that its not a hugely big deal. Very common for seizures to start when kids are 6. More of an annoyance than a health hazard.

And it explains his inability to focus, remember, follow, ect. He forgot how to put on his coat after one seizure. He forgot how to read. He goes to get dressed, then comes back and asks what he's supposed to be doing. Today he openned the truck door, got in the truck, then got out to shut the door. He stared at the truck, puzzled, then openned the door again, and got in, this time shutting the door while he was in the truck! We don't bug him as much anymore for taking sooooooo long to do stuff, since its a memory problem.

I guess I'm trying to figure out where all this is going, what new changes this means for the family, what the future holds for him.

He has been pulled from swimming lessons once, because he was disorientated. He's been asked to stay off the playground climbing equipment. Which i'm fine with until we figure this out.

I'm worried about his health, I guess. What if its serious? What if he dies? (my mom's dog just died of a seizure. ironic much?)

so far, he's just fine. doesn't seem to faze him much. I think he's used to it, that's just the way things are.

And I'm trying hard to follow his lead.

just keep breathing

oi vey, what a month.

Big girl was in the hospital last week, not breathing well from a chest cold. apparently very sick, which i didn't realize at first.

middle girl has been having tummy issues, which we are now back and forth to the doctors to try and figure out. currently on zantrac, which seems to help, but brings its own side-effects with it.

little boy was sick a couple of weeks ago, is now recovered from that.

But I was approached by his teachers today. He has been having seizures, we think. And they seem to be getting worse.

I feel like my head is spinning. I had to sit down after a few minutes of talking about the seizures. I was all queasy and stuff.

And my heart thing from the spring has come back, which leaves me short of breath. Must be stress related, lol!!

I just really want a few days of peace and quiet. No excitement.

glass half full

I am continually amazed at my positive outlook on life, considering my anxiety and depression problems.

I know, it doesn't make sense, does it?

I blame it on the stars - my horoscope totally is both scorpio and libra, every time - and they are the most opposite signs you can get.

So I started this morning totally overwhelmed. And during the next few hours I was able to come up with ideas to try and tackle the problems. Which made me feel better.

Hubby says I live in my own world, that I don't have a good grasp of reality. Hey, whatever works!

Some problems, and their ideas . . . .

I don't feel comfortable discussing my inability to cope with people, because they get all worried. I know its a natural response to worry when someone who has considered suicide says they are not coping, but its damned inconvienient.

So I am making an appointment and finding someone whose job it is to be a sounding board.

I cannot keep the housework up. Life keeps interrupting. And I am soooo tired. Plus I am a slob.

So I am going to try and live with the kids in one room, and not use the kitchen so much (buy more prepared food, make more 1 pot meals).

And I can't cook to save my life. Which is so discouraging. All that time, all the mess, and no one can eat it.

So I am going to buy more prepared food. (See, two problems with one stone!)

Wish me luck, I'll need it. I resolve to do better with cooking and housework every week! Lol

Metta Bhavana

That is what I found on my meditation search yesterday.

Metta doesn't have an english word, closest is lovingkindness. Bhavana means to learn, I think.

It's a way to grow your emotions, and empathy/compassion.

Just what I need to help with relationships and connections.

And it will be relaxing and meditative.

And I can teach it to my kids, they will like it too.

********

Met up with another CMT lady. It was so funny as we compared symptoms. "I could never keep up with my friends" - "Me neither!" - "I would jog along side them as they walked" - "No way, me too!"

Her mom has CMT as well, so we will all get together sometimes. It will be nice to talk to someone who 'gets' it. Even though we are all still learning about it.

And we will give each other idea's on how to adapt our lives to it. Three heads are better than one.

And I think it will be nice for the husbands to compare notes, too. It has impacted their lives, as well.

Meditation

I've been thinking about trying it. Any idea's, hints, methods that you would recomend?

Fall is always the hardest time depression-wise for me. I wonder why? Almost lost it this week. Will be looking into a higher degree of support. At least I'm still together enough to recognise and do something about it.

Los Angelitos

Last week, on October the 28th, the kids and I went up behind our local cemetary and built a cairn for Christopher. Little boy wanted a birthday party for him so Christopher could invite his spirit friends. So we made a cake and had a pinata.


Today we celebrated Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) at the cairn.




We included the 4 elements - air (we all wrote something on the crepe paper, which blows in the wind), water (a dish to catch rain), fire (candles), and earth (food and flowers). White flowers for the baby angels (angelitos), orange and pink flowers for the others (assorted relatives, friends and pets).





I read a poem (some words changed from someone else's poem), while the kids placed some items:


In the cool of the mountains
when evening draws in
Serenity waits
where the shadows begin




In the fragrance of dusk
and the murmur of breeze
The cares that we carry
fade into the trees





Nature in fullness
sheds blessings about
And the turmoil of living
fades quietly out





Hope glimmers through
with the evening star
Sorrows recede
in the darkness afar




Big girl helped me figure out how to download photos onto the computer, good thing she's here since hubby is gone - I am so technologically blonde! They do my cell phone, camera, computer, tv remotes, ect.



In theory, I didn't think that not having a grave would be a big deal. And until know, I havn't missed it. But now that we have a place for Christopher, I am finding myself thinking about it all the time, wanting to go and sit there, leave a flower. Just sit, mostly. We had deer with us while were putting our things around the cairn. It's a beautiful spot.