The little girl

The little girl is finishing up grade 11 now. Not so little!

She was so tiny when she was younger. As a toddler, she looked like a baby. People would do double takes as she ran past, yelling her head off in her deep little voice. In grade 4, she was the size of the Kindergartners, and her friends would pick her up and carry her around. We thought she would be lucky to clear 5'.

Then, in grade 9 and 10, she grew! She has the stretch marks on her back to prove it. She is now 5'6 - pretty average height. She is thrilled, of course.

She has always had attitude. When she was a toddler still, she was at the top of  the baby slide when some big boys started climbing up it. She pointed her finger at them, and said 'NO.' in her deep little voice. They paused and looked at her, then looked around. (I was on the other side of the playground, so she looked like she was on her own.) They continued climbing up, and she pointed her finger and said "NO." again. They paused uncertainly. She did it again, and they backed down the slide and left. She slid down, and continued on her way.

When she was 6, she beaned a 12 year old football player with a full can of pop, right in the head, because he was bothering her. When she was 8, she kicked a desk at school. The teacher sent her to the principals office. She refused to go back to class until lunch, when she went out to play with her friends. When she was 12, she punched a bigger boy at school. He was crying when I came to get her.

I always said that she would leave home at 16 and motorbike across Canada. She's just that type of independent rebel. Loves auto mechanics and wood working. Has saved up money to buy herself a bigger and better dirtbike. She had a job dishwashing at a local bistro, where the kitchen is open and right in the middle of the restaurant. She liked it a lot.

She has mellowed though. She has a great group of friends, does well at school, gets along with pretty much everybody. She is thinking of going to Vancouver this summer to check out a job opportunity - drafting of some sort. She is pretty good with her sister and brother. The girls hang out and laugh a lot. Whenever the Big Girl gets upset, Little Girl gets upset. She always tells me to stop making her sister cry, then she cries. Even when they were preschoolers. She can be mean to her little brother, but puts up with a lot of his crap and they can get along when they want to.

Her smile looks so much like her cousins'. She just cut her hair - it was down to her bum, now its just past her shoulders.

She is a beautiful girl, inside and out.

So that is my Little Girl. Strong, personable, smart.

The most stable of our family. Reminds me so much of my youngest sister, When she was just crawling, she learned how to outwit me, and has never looked back. She was trying to get into her sister's stuff, and I said no, She crawled down the hallway, and then there was silence. I jumped up and said, oh no, she's unrolling the toilet paper again! But when i got to the bathroom, she wasn't there. I checked her room, and my room, and my bathroom. I came back down the hall, wondering where she could be, and there she was - sitting in her sister's room, playing with the stuff i had said not to touch.

What a girl.

1, and then 2

.

So, in January, I decided - it's a new year.

I looked back at my posts, and at my poems in the journal beside my bed. And all I write about is depression. For the last 12 years.

I have also noticed that when I write something, or tell someone, things become clearer in my mind.

From now on, I decided - I would write regularly, and I would write one depression post/poem, then two positive posts/poems. So that the good outweighed the bad. With the goal of increasing the number of good posts/poems over time..

But I was still struggling, and I have a hard time writing things down. It's like picking a scab. If I write it, that means I have to think about it. And I am VERY  VERY good at not thinking about things.

And so I put it off, and put it off.

Well, 4 months later........

I am feeling better.I know more.  I don't fall so far or so often. I can think a little clearer. I have a bit of support, which makes all the difference.

So, I have made a commitment with my life-coach to write daily. Usually in my bedside journal, but as much as possible here.

Last summer I wrote this ........



Time is a celtic ouroboros,

the snake that bites its tail, forming a never ending circle

as  it passes through season after season.

Always in my life, I come back to the same spots, and wonder why

Nothing ever changes.

Perhaps that is the way time works.

Not only generations and civilizations endlessly repeating,

but individual lives as well.

Maybe instead of trying to stop the circling,

instead of trying to pry the snake's tail from it's mouth,

maybe instead I should just hang on and enjoy the ride

as I circle endlessly through my life.




(photo off of google from symbolsnet.com)