The Little Boy

He is so excited to be almost grown up (he's 12). He keeps showing me his leg hair, his mustache, his B.O.

He is such a sweetheart. He can charm ladies like anything - at his new school, the lady teachers just love him.

Actually, guys think he is pretty cool too. Very nice.

He is into PS4 games, and knows enough to hold conversations with random adults. He often plays online with some teens we know, and he holds his own very well.

He really likes the first-person shooter games, and hates that i keep trying to limit them.

He is a trooper. Even though he has been sick for 3 years, he just keeps plugging along. Luckily its nothing too major. Hopefully we get it figured out soon.

He used to love Hot Wheels, that is all he played or watched. Then he switched to Starwars, which was big with his friends. Then Halo, even though he could only play it at one friends house occasionally.

Now he is into anime. When he was home sick for 3 months in the fall, his sister got him hooked on anime shows. A friend is showing him how to draw manga. he just bought his first manga books.

he is a pretty neat little guy.

 excuse me, i mean a pretty great guy (not little, lol)

small steps

Ok, I feel a bit better today.

yesterday was a gong show though, and the day before was full of rage.

I guess I am getting used to my new dose of meds.

Read today about dysthmia (?) which is chronic low depression which can have major depressive episodes.

Also read about depersonalization/derealization, which is when you feel disconnected from yourself and reality.

its common with high periods of stress and anxiety.

so that explains that. your brain shuts off so you can calm down.

now i just have to figure out how to deal with stress before it gets too high.

and looking back, it doesn't take very much to be too high.

I have had major episodes in high school, college, early 20's, after kids, after a move, and now - kids sick and financial crisis.

so some of that i can see as being stressful, but i don't know how to make my stress level lower with it - it still has to be dealt with.

other stuff doesn't seem too stressful for most people, so what is it that stresses me out?

i guess thats the homework for today.

I did figure out a possible reason for why i have been getting on everyones nerves. i have been totally out of control with reminders, mother henning, that sort of suffocating annoying behavior - apparently.

anyway, i think it is because i was so stressed out about taking care of everyone and everything by myself, with a lot of resistance from the kids and hubby. i was freaked out that i wouldn't be able to do it, so i got very controlling and was on every little detail all the time with everybody.

so i am noticing that and will work to change that pattern.

i can also see where the passive aggressive stuff was coming from - very frustrated with the lack of support and totally needing it.

so i can work on that too.

i am noticing it. which is depressing. i feel like a failure every 10 minutes. i hope that when i can change it, it will feel more positive, lol.

one small step at a time.

the battle

I feel like I am from a different world. Maybe I am a changeling.

I can't seem to get my meaning across to anyone.

It's like dog in my language is horse, so when i say "i see a horse", they are thinking i see a dog. But i don't know that their word is dog, so as i describe the horse/dog i can't figure out why they don't see what i see.

And they don't have a clue what i'm talking about.

And i am left swirling aimlessly alone in my world.

Sometimes, after epically long battles, it seems that we figure out what we are talking about. But these battles usually make me feel like I am dumb. that there is something wrong with me.

My current battle is life or death.

I am barely keeping my head above water, the waves keep closing over my head, then i come up for a breath, gasping.

And no one understands.

i think i am insane.

depression and anxiety don't seem to quite cover what is going on in my head.

I am still trying to keep it together enough that i can get through my day - if i stop work, we lose the house, and we can't afford to live on my hubby's wage alone even as renters.

Despite the very real threat that i will lose my job, i am still trying to get people to understand. because this other world can't continue. it is harming my kids now, and i won't let that happen.

I guess i need to find some info on supports for families who can't support themselves, not due to fire or war or cancer, but because they are total idiots at this game called life.

The Big Girl

My big girl just turned 19.

She is an amazing person, of course.

She has tons of perseverance, when she wants to do something she gets it done.

She has a fast fight or flight response to everything.

She has homeschooled for years - and she works on her own initiative!

She is learning her limitations, and how to get and accept help for them.

She is learning her strengths, and how to make them work for her.

She is fast, efficient, polite, and friendly.

She is the most amazing writer, writing stories and poetry all the time.

She loves anime, marvel heroes, forensics, and her cat - Castielle.

She has a great sense of humor, and can think outside the box. In fact, she rarely thinks inside the box - she sees things in such a different way from most people.

She is always sick, always tired, always worried, but keeps on keeping on.

She has a quirky sense of style, and always has. Until part way through Kindergarten, she purposely chose 2 different colors of socks and always wore her shoes and boots on the wrong feet. Her hair is always changing color and often has a funky cut. She wears comfortable clothes that are bright and don't match in the least.

When I told her we all have a toolbox of skills, gave the example of a hammer for big problems and screwdriver for small ones, then asked her what she thought her tools are - she replied, "I just have a rubber chicken!" She is so funny :)

She tries to take care of all of us.

She loves to create art, especially big swoopy colorful art. She loves to look at and collect art, especially finely detailed, fantastical, colorful art.

 My first baby. I slept with her, carried her, comforted her 24/7. I try my hardest to fix my parenting mistakes, and she loves me for it.

She never wants to leave home, and no one wants her to go.

But when she is ready, we will be with her every step of the way.

I love her with all of my heart.

Remembering my Huney.

I love my huney.

Today I remembered how he brought me Frosted Flakes in college when I mentioned that they were my favorite, racing another friend to be the first.

How he gave me other gifts - the only one who did. He still brings me gifts, even when I don't show appreciation for them.

He courted me.

When we lost Christopher, he was there for me. He took care of me.

When I told him how I had been feeling the last 5 months (I finally told him 2 weeks ago), even though he doesn't really understand, he is trying his best to be supportive.

 He is willing to give up his truck to balance our budget.

He is loyal to his friends, his family. He will do whatever it takes to be there for them when they need some help.

He works very hard, he tries his best and is always striving to be better.

He loves me and it shows in everything he does.

We used to be best friends. I think that we will be again.

He is my rock. He is my other half.

I love my huney.

Happy Valentine's Day . . .

Hell

I have thought for awhile that hell isn't a place you go to. That it is on earth.

The church says that unless you accept God, you can't have heaven. So heaven could be on earth, as your life which includes God. And hell would be your life without God.

That never really totally fit for me. Lots of people have different Gods.

 So I always felt that heaven was on earth, living your life being appreciative of beauty and wonder, helping others, being happy. (which could happen if you accept God and live a life of love, or don't accept God and live a life of love.). And Hell was living your life in torment - angry, fearful, disillusioned, in pain, hurting all those around you.

I always thought that I lived a life that was often in Hell. My mind traps me there. Sometimes i escape for awhile, but it always finds me. (lol, it IS my mind, i guess it doesn't have to look too far to find me!)

But if Hell is an absence of Love, then i am not in hell. I am surrounded by love, and i love others. That is what keeps me here.

So where am I?

I have been somewhere terrifying. I can not survive it if it comes back. I have started anti-depressants. I am only on the edge of it now, not drowning in it.

It is the little boy's birthday again.

We have all had a very hard year. The Hubby, the little boy, the big girl. And me. all hanging on by our fingernails.

I thought for awhile that I would not make it to Christmas. I almost didn't.

I am scared that I will fall in again. It seems that i always do. Over and over and over. but this time was worse. if it comes back ........


So.

I had forgotten about focusing on a winter of love and a summer of love. about loving myself, and really being with my family.

I will have to remember.

I will write about the things i love, the people i love, the ideas i love.

I will write about my strength, my light, my joy, my wonder.

And maybe i will remember it.

 and maybe i will believe in it more than the despair.

because right now the despair is stronger than anything. and i can't think when it takes over my mind.

but i can read about my life. and i can know that it is real.