Presents

Hmmmm. I didn't realize how stressed I was getting about the present situation. Until last night.

I always try to keep Christmas low-key. All about family get-togethers, not presents. But the kids are so wound up from school this year. Their expectations are so high.

And most of their presents they already have - my Mom bought them coats and snowpants and boots for Christmas, which they've been wearing for a month. They aren't getting too much more than that.

Then yesterday we received a food bank Christmas hamper. Someone signed us up. Its full of food. And gifts. And I got all teary, thinking of how happy they will be to open them on Christmas.

We are doing okay, we aren't desperately needing food. Our parents are making sure we have enough. I feel bad for taking something that could go to someone who needs it more. But its awfully nice to not have to say - again - "sorry, maybe when we have more money". Especially on Christmas day.

So, thank you to everyone who donates to their local food banks and Christmas hampers. It really does put smiles on little faces.

Bah Humbug

Okay, I've got a Christmas complaint.

Why do schools have to wind the kids up so much? What with the daily count-downs, making 'the perfect' presents for parents, candy treats and christmas parties, constant practicing and performing for the plays, and talk about presents, my kids are wrecks. And so are the kids at my school, even those who don't celebrate Santa Claus!

They have such high expectations, and are so anxious, that the joy disappears.

Why can't Christmas be a home thing, touched on at school, but not the over-riding theme?

Bah Humbug!

Our 19th

Today, my hubby and I have been married for 19 years.

The story of our wedding is more unusual than most. Like us.

We met in college, we were both 18. The first time he saw me, he told his friends he would marry me. Awww, so romantic. Not! Apparently, I was bending over at the time, and he liked my butt. I sort of liked him, but definately wasn't interested in dating.

When we were 20, we both went through a rough patch. He had come home one day, and his apartment was empty - his girlfriend had left with the baby, and everything else. My boyfriend had just left me for one of my friends. We spent a lot of time together, and became best friends.

Then he moved, to find work. We talked every day on the phone. We talked through the months when his conversations mentioned a particular girl, and when they became room-mates. We still call her 'his mistress' - they are now best friends. Then I moved, to the city where he was.

About 2 months later, he stayed over at my place for the first time. And never left. 1 month later we eloped, and got married without telling anyone. We were 21. Boy, was his mom mad when she found out! Not a great way to start the mother-in-law thing. We still don't get along. LOL.

I overheard Hubby years later telling someone that his staying over at my house was a set-up. I was starting to show interest in other guys, and he decided he'd better take our relationship to the next level before he lost his chance. I was brushing him off, so he faked an allergic reaction (cinnamon causes him to stop breathing) and asked me to watch him while he slept that night, in case he stopped breathing. Well, that's one way to get into a girl's bed!

19 years later, we have lots more funny stories.

And we are looking forward to making many more.

The spirit world

I read this book awhile ago.

It says that spirits live their lives on earth in a body, then return to the spirit world where they all interact until they come to earth again. The spirits often meet each other over and over, in different bodies. So in one lifetime, they might be son and father, in another lifetime they might be friends, in another husband and wife. But the love (or antagonism, I guess) continues on from life to life.

My hubby and I have always thought we were soulmates. We are so different, and yet are so perfectly matched for each other. We make each other greater. Maybe that's because we know each other from several lifetimes?

The book also says that spirits can choose if they will come back in a particular body, and that they know how long that body has to live.

I am very comforted by the thought that Christopher may have taken advantage of the small window of opportunity to come into being, because he loved us from previous lives. That he loved us enough to come even though his time would be short. That he came because we are his family. . . maybe I was his child or his wife or his mother in a previous life, and he knew I needed help and he couldn't say no.

It means his life was not tragic, it was full of meaning. of intent. of love.

I have been having a hard time with Christmas. Its all about baby boys. And here I am comparing my baby boy, and all people for that matter, with Jesus - coming to earth to help their families, knowing that they would die, but coming anyway because of all the good things that they will do while they are here.

Is that sacrilegious, I wonder?

Poor Guy

Hubby is having a bad day. No, a bad week. No, a bad month. No, a bad . . .

Whenever something goes wrong, he always takes it to the max. If he loses his keys in the morning, he starts off with "I'm going to be late" and ends up with "my whole life is one big mess" within moments.

I've learned to talk him back down.

But for this problem it's not working so well.

He's been looking everywhere for a job, but its just a bad time to find anything. And we're running out of money.

I talk him down, but he goes off the deep end again a little while later.

Poor guy.

wow

A lady I've seen at the school I work at came over to me the other day.

She shared a very personal, still heart-breakingly fresh even though it happened 3 years ago, story with me. To help me. There are some amazing people out there.

She has been fighting breast cancer for 3 years. She was diagnosed just after learning she was pregnant with her second child. She had to terminate in order to save her own life, so her toddler would have a mother.

Her son is in my son's kindergarten class. When he heard that my son's baby had died, he took his mother to the store, and bought 2 stuffed toys for my son - one to keep, one to bury with the baby. Like he had done at his sisters funeral. There are some amazing kids out there.

My son cried. He was so happy to know that he wasn't the only one with a spirit baby that you can't hold. Now he can talk about Christopher without crying.

I cried. It was so wonderful to talk to someone, in person, that knew what it was like to lose an unborn baby. I apologised for taking, and not giving - I didn't console her very well, just took everything i could get. She said that it was okay, that was the stage I was at.

That mother still grieves hard, every day. It was so hard for her to talk to me. And I'm so thankful that she did.

The other dimension

I must have blinked, because I'm back in the other dimension.

Yesterday, I was still recovering. Still having naps each day, no, still NEEDING naps each day.

Just starting to venture out into the world, but mostly in the place I've been for the last two months.

Today, I'm back to work fulltime. Everything there seems like it used to be. Even me.

Then I come home and wilt.

I went in to the school yesterday to ask about coming back to work part-time in Jan. I left with 2 jobs, more than fulltime, starting today.

I have said that I won't be able to do both, but I'll fill in while we sort out which job I'll end up with.

I have to learn to say no, don't I?!

Getting Out

It's been one of those months.

You know, the trying-to-get-your-energy-back type.

I am finally able to get out of the house.

For a short time each day, then I have a nap.

But its a start, and one I'm quite happy with.

My brain doesn't work that great right now, so little outings are good, LOL.

My brain seems to be in neutral. I'm still a bit light-headed and wobbly. (From that post-partum recovery, body getting back to normal thing) And it doesn't come up with anything when asked to react. No thoughts, just static.

Which is good. Because when I go out, I see babies everywhere. And all the moms in my prenatal group are pushing their new wee ones around in strollers.

And I'm not. Which logically should be okay, since I do daycare for a living, and I'm looking forward to going back to working with little ones everyday in January. So I'll get my baby fix.

I'm learning that the brains reaction to loss has nothing to do with logic.

Feelings just bubble out, with no common sense attached.

I now hold my breath everytime my hubby drives out of the driveway, because if a car hits him, he could die you know. I hold my breath when the kids run down the stairs, because they could fall and hit their head and die you know.

I'm mad at the moms that get to hear their babies gurgle, and coo, and cry, even though I would never wish that they couldn't.

I cry just because I feel sad all of a sudden, not because anything happens to make me think about it all. And I cry because everything reminds me of it.

I'm happy when I talk to someone and they don't mention it, because I'm tired of thinking about it. And then I cry because I didn't think about Christopher, and I would never wish he didn't happen, and I don't want to disrespect him by not thinking about him.

I am actually doing well. Really. I feel good, and I'm getting outside.

Life is getting back to normal.

Which is good.

Because grieving is exhausting.

What a bizarre week

The week before Hallowe'en never seemed to end.

Sunday my mom came from her home 4 hours away to look after my 3 kids for 2 days while hubby and I went to vancouver for baby tests. I'd been sick for a week because the amniotic fluid was building up, and pushing on my organs - my lungs filled up and I wasn't breathing properly, I couldn't eat much, my legs swelled alarmingly, I couldn't sleep from the pains in my chest.

The flight Monday was very turbulent, and I had major chest pains.

Tuesday we went in to the hospital for tests, and they discovered that Christopher had already passed away - sunday or monday, i guess. I had to decide if we were going to have the baby that night in vancouver, or take our flight home the next day and have the baby in our hometown (I really wanted the kids to have a chance to see him.) The hospital in our town couldn't take me for a few days, and hubby and family really didn't think they could take the stress for another week, so I decided to have the baby in vancouver.

The birth was amazing, so like all my others. Christopher was put immediately on my chest, just like the others. I cooed over his little hands and feet, exclaimed over how much he looked like his dad, was proud of how big he was, just like the others.

I spent the whole day waiting for the moment when he would taken away for the autopsy. I hadn't quite realized that he would be gone forever until then. But we were able to get a photographer to come from 'Now i lay me down to sleep', and we made foot and handprints. So we have some mementos to show the kids.

The next two days were spent in Easter Seal House, waiting for a flight home. And my hubby got a call from his boss - don't come back to work, you've just had your contract cancelled because some clients are upset that you are not available. Ummm, aren't you supposed to be covering for him?!?!?!?! So now neither of us have a job.

And to top it off, there was a mistake with our flight home. We got to the airport, expecting to arrive home just in time to go trick-or-treating with the kids, but our flight had already left. So we ended up in a hotel for another night. By the time we got finally got home, my mom was exhausted, my oldest was a mess of nerves, and the younger two were so relieved to see us they clamped onto me and didn't let go for hours.

We are just savoring being together right now.

Christopher

October 28th.

Stillborn.

That's all I can write for now.

Change

I was thinking last night - I have always had a very hard time with change.

I have always had a terrible time with saying goodbye.

In highschool, I had a very hard time letting go of my childhood and accepting that I was growing up and liked different things.

Moving away from home just about killed me.

Watching my kids grow more independent was so hard (although I like it now!) because my role as mother changed.

When we moved, I left the years of babies behind. I think that's why I wanted another baby so badly, so I could go back into that comfortable past and delay the changes just a few more years.

But I feel ready to face change now. I'm so glad I had this chance to experience pregnancy again, I would have always felt like I was missing something without it. And now I can move on and live the next chapter of my life.

This is a poem I wrote before we moved:

I miss the fish swimming

in my uterus universe.

I miss feeling like the

embodiment of femininity.

I miss the anticipation of

new worlds coming into being.

I miss knowing that I will be

someone's sun, moon, and stars.

Now I feel insignificant

and unessential.

I know mothers are important,

but it doesn't feel that way

once babies grow into children.

That's really how I felt for awhile, and I'm glad that I'll be able to get past that stage now.

Poems

Hey, I just found my book of poems.

We've been moving around so much the last year or so, its been lost in a box until today.

I needed to get creativity back into my life, but couldn't find the time or space or money or inspiration to do drawing or painting. So I decided to try writing poems, even though I never did like my writing.

I would try to write one every week. After awhile I really enjoyed it. I wrote about 15 before I packed the book.

These ones I wrote about trying to write poems:

A mind like cottonwood fluff,

taken by the wind to far-distant worlds,

and back again.

When I try to catch a thought,

like fluff, it swirls away from my fingertips,

leading me through meadows

where my passing stirs up other thoughts,

which also swirl away.

I spin,

trying to catch more thought fluffs.

Some I hold for awhile,

'til I fall - laughing and dizzy,

into the grass.

I watch as the fluff floats away

from my hands,

and into the sky.

Writing poems:

a challenge

I now tackle eagerly.

Climbing the mountain

with enthusiasm,

checking the nooks and crannies

for exciting dicoveries.

Reveling in the space

and freedom of movement.

Absorbing the colors,

their intensity and warmth and taste.

Always looking forward

to the next step,

yet enjoying the moment I'm in.

I'll have to try and do some more, now that we are settled in one spot for awhile. Funny how we ended up in the mountains. When I wrote these, we lived on the flats and had no idea where we would be moving to. I obviously had mountains on my mind!!

Waiting

I'm getting used to the idea that 'he might' is now 'he is'. I was not prepared last week. All the bad things were just something that probably MIGHT happen, in the future. I 'knew' he was probably going to die, and i talked about it and wrote about it, every day. But on Thursday, it became 'now'. And I freaked, like it was a total surprise. I wasn't prepared for that. But I'm doing better now, getting used to the idea. I'll probably freak out a few more times. And that's okay.

I'm going in to the doctors every day or two now to check for a heartbeat, since I can't feel him moving anymore. The heart beat is getting slower and slower. i guess he's not moving because he's sleeping all the time, since he wouldn't have much energy.

I always thought that dying in your sleep would be the best way to go. I'm glad he will have a peaceful exit, not months of tubes and needles and stuff before he goes.

The waiting is hard. We are afraid to plan anything just in case. My 9 year old had her birthday party this weekend, and i stressed about having to cancel at the last minute. People want to do stuff, i keep saying 'in a few weeks'.

******************

I saw Fe's post asking people to come here- I almost had a heart attack! Shy people don't do well with attention. But . . . . thank you, Fe. Our small town doesn't have a support group, and its nice to know that there are people out there who will listen to me talk.

I'm actually being pushed way outside my usual boundaries. Normally, i keep everything inside, and don't deal with it. But because so many kids and their parents know about the baby, i have to talk about it on a daily basis. which is good.

I guess the shygirl is getting a life. Thanks for the kick in pants, baby christopher! you might not be with us for long, but you have sure changed our lives!

life goes on around me

strange.

i never thought about about other peoples grief, i was always so scared about how i would handle death.

i'm getting a crash course. i work in a school, so many children and their parents know i'm pregnant. besides, its very obvious now! i have to tell them about christopher, so they don't plan baby showers and stuff.

and everyone reacts differently. some try not to say anything about it. others need to talk. i find the ones that insist there is hope the hardest. i think i'm afraid to hope.

my family grieves deeper. my mom and my hubby just want to let him go and have it done with. hubby is starting to show the signs of stress. i worry about him. i know he has to work through it, but i still worry. the 5 yr. old needs to talk about it, but his sisters don't want to.

i cry a lot. its hard to find information on this particular situation. lots on unexpected stillbirth, some on knowing your child has something like trisomy 18, where its 'not compatible with life'. not as much on living for months, knowing that he could die at any time, but might live for awhile after birth, too.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

i havn't felt him move for awhile.

i'll go in tomorrow and get the doppler heartbeat check, if i don't feel him move today.

all of a sudden, its not an 'if he dies'. its a 'he might be dead, right now'.

i don't think i'm ready.

the not so merry-go-round

sorry in advance for the negative post. not finding to much to be cheerful about this week.

On Wed., the doctors told me that baby's heart was failing, unexpectedly, for no reason that they could see. They gave me a prescription of heart medication which will go through my blood stream to his. And said come back in 4 weeks to see if the med's helped.

Then on Fri., different doctors said that 4 weeks was too long, to come back in 2 weeks. And that the only reason to come back was to arrange autopsy procedures, because he would probably be born stillborn, and they need the tissue immediately after death. I took that to mean that he was going to die very soon, and I was shocked that i would have to say goodbye to him so fast.

On Mon., another doctor said to prepare for him to be born alive, and what interventions we wanted - comfort level where we let nature take its course, or gung-ho, where they do everything possible to keep him going.

Yesterday, Wed., the doctors said that since I've started the medication, I've voted for intervention, and they can't now let him go, they need to keep intervening. So he may be whisked away if he shows signs of surviving for a bit after birth, wherever the doctors say he needs to go.

Part of the problem is that his condition is so unusual, that they have no idea what to expect. They don't think the medication will help, and they still think he will most likely die very soon. But since they don't know, and he may possibly live, they need to be prepared.

The other part of the problem is that they won't know if there is anything else going on until after he is born. But they think he has some severe complications which mean he is "uncompatible with life". So even if he is born alive, they may not do anything because he wouldn't survive for long anyway.

But what a crazy ride it has been for us. We are at the point where we are all hoping he is stillborn, so that it will be over. I never in a million years thought I would ever write that. I would have thought that anyone else who wrote that was a terrible person for giving up on their son or grandchild.

I guess we all hope he will be fine, but the doctors keep saying they don't think he will be. And the uncertainty is so hard.

I'm supposed to get an ultrasound next week to see how far the heart failure has progressed, and I go back to vancouver on oct. 27 (if he makes it that far) where they will look more in depth at his heart, and tell me if they want to pursue more interventions, or if we should prepare for palliative care. Unless they still can't tell. And then we'll start all over.

So far we are okay. the kids seem fine, we seem fine. Of course nothing has really happened yet. The next few months will be hard, but I think we'll be okay - we have a nice strong family bond, that will help.

advice, anyone?

well, just got back from from more baby tests. not good news, unfortunately. his heart muscle is getting more sluggish, the doctors aren't very hopeful.

any idea's on how much to tell the 12, 9, and 5 year olds? He may still survive, but he may also be born stillborn or die within a few days.

hard to know - he isn't going to die for sure yet, so how much do i tell them?

I'm looking around on the internet for advice, know any good sites?

Thanks.

hmmmm

hmmmm, i've been thinking about that last post.

You know, most of life is like that - not knowing if everything will turn out okay. Life is fragile, change happens constantly. Just read a book that has a great image . . . life is a river. you put your feet in the river, and every second the water swirls past you, changing always, never the same water. Even the blood in your feet is circulating constantly, never the same blood for more than an instant.

Our relationships, our jobs, our houses, our lives - they always change. And you can't predict if it will be for the good, life is too random.

So that means I've been coping with the possiblity of 'bad stuff happening' my whole life. And that means I will be able to cope with this, too.

All of a sudden, I feel much better. :)

Hope

I think most people expecting a baby are filled with both hope that everything will be okay, and a bit of worry that it might not.

Because we have been told over and over by the doctors that the baby will most probably have issues, but tests have come back showing that there still is some hope for our baby, we are caught.

If we knew he was not going to make it, we could plan his passing, and how to keep him in our hearts.

If we knew he was going to be okay, we could plan on life with a baby.

But we are in limbo. And its harder than i imagined it would be.

My sister phoned today with a great sale on glass baby bottles, thought i should buy some. I will buy a few, but with the knowledge that i probably won't use them. That is so sad.

The day after we got the news, i had to go through a friends baby stuff in vancouver to take what i needed before we went back home. It was very hard, thinking all the while that I would probably just be passing the crib, carseat, clothes, ect. on to someone else.

When i go to the kids school, and to work at the afterschool program, all the kids there
comment on the baby growing, hug my belly, give it kisses. It will be so hard to keep talking about it when he's gone, but I know that its important for both the kids and myself to talk
about it. I am glad though, that he can't be forgotten - too many kids know him, for him to not be talked about. Adults can 'ignore' someone who isn't there, but kids don't.

I still hope that he will be okay. But i wish that the doctors hadn't taken the joy of expecting away. I look at other pregnant moms, and envy them their happiness.

But you know, I had always thought that having to go through the morning sickness, fatigue, the labour for a still born or terminal baby would the most awful thing, all that pain for nothing.

And I will be happy to birth Christopher, and not regret a minute of this hard pregnancy. I can't wait to see him, no matter what. I think our family will benefit from him, even if we have to grieve. Mother love changes everything, doesn't it?

Baby update

Actually, not much more to update medically. Have had a few tests, they are still inconclusive, except that he doesn't have major chromosomal problems. I will get more tests done in a few weeks. By the way, these tests have to be done in Vancouver, the biggest city in our province, and a 13 hour drive away. I'm trying to find a way to fly, that isn't too expensive.

We endured over an hour of counselling about termination and palliative care, in case he turns out to have a major problem. And were warned that he probably will self-terminate suddenly. Very unsettling.

So we named him, sooner than we named any of the other 3. Since our kids are old enough to remember him, I figured they had better have a name attached to our very loved little boy (he is consantly getting kisses, hugs, and 'Love you!'s because he can hear us, you know), in case he suddenly disappears.

His middle name is Damir, which means 'to give peace'. He has given me peace of mind, if you can believe it. I have worried about whether I will ever enjoy life again, love my family again, ever live life again. Now I don't worry. I'm looking forward to the fall leaves again for the first time in 6 years.

My marriage went through a rocky period a few years ago, and I worried that I wouldn't be able to love my hubby again. The last few weeks he has been reaching out for me, and I find I can forgive him all his imperfections. I am leaving my family for a few weeks, and I already miss them - something I havn't done in many, many years. I don't have to worry that I don't love them - I do.

The last block is gone. It could just be coincidence, but I think my newest little guy helped nudge me in the right direction. And for my family, having their mother or wife back, will bring them peace.

I will have to remind myself to stay involved, to not withdraw, to not turn off. But babies are the best sort of reminder there is!

oh, we have moved into a house. It is so nice to have a kitchen, 2 bathrooms, space to run, to be noisy. Within walking distance to schools, friends.

During the last 3 weeks, the oldest broke her collar bone, we moved 2 households, the kids started a new year of school, we have been waiting on baby test results and making appointments for more tests, I started up and began transitioning out of a job, hubby was in the hospital and will be recovering for the next 2 weeks, and I am preparing the household to run without me for 2.5 weeks.

It's been a little crazy.

can you return the gift of life?

People say that life is a precious gift. Etiquette says its bad manners to return a gift, and religious people say its terrible to return this one.

I just spent a weekend with a friend who lost her husband to suicide a few months ago. Lots of talking about death, greiving, and suicide.

she feels so frustrated, because he had tried a few times in the last few weeks, but she wasn't able to get help for him anywhere. Possibly it was muddled because he had chronic health problems as well, and some people focussed on those instead of the suicide attempts, thinking if they could help his health, then the suicide attempts would stop. It was a terribly stressful time for both of them, both of them looking for help, while he was trying to go without hurting her, and she was trying to keep him here.

I found myself quite conflicted. Having been to the edge before, I think you should have the choice to end it all, and if there had been euthanasia, his passing would have been loving and peaceful, rather than secretive and stressful.

I also know that if you can make it through, life goes on. So its important to keep trying.

But everyone dies of something, illness or accident. A few more years alive is important, but I don't think its the end-all-or-be-all. I guess it depends on what you want to spend it on.

I just met a man who has fought cancer 3 times in the last 5 years. He has plans to be around for many more years. Living is obviously very important to him!

I'd like to find out how to make it easier for people to accept death. in some cultures, it is not the end of the world like it is here. I guess i'll start incorperating some of those into my family's life, so they'll be a bit more prepared. Or at least, they'll hopefully have some coping methods.

baby boy

just had the first ultrasound, baby is a boy! everyone is very excited. we think he is already very cute, even though the photo's are just black-and white x-ray type blobs right now!

But he has one or both feet clubbed, and his heart is in the wrong spot, so we will be going for a few more ultrasounds and tests to make sure everything is working right, and that the abnormalities aren't connected to some syndrome or other.

So far, very minor complications. Fingers crossed that it stays that way.

a wall starts to come down

I have always had a very small circle of people I interact with. My family, 1 or 2 friends, the kids I look after.

I read a lot, but its easy to control life when its in a book - read the ending, if its sad, don't read the book.

I've always opted out of 'real' life.

This world of blogging has exposed me to more death in the last 5 months than i've let in my world in the last 30 years.

But since the whole point of 'getting a life' is to participate in life, and allow myself emotions, so that I can be a better mom, wife, friend, ect., I'm not shutting myself back up in my safe little box.

I am very thankful that Tiff, Alison, Fe, and Veronica are willing to write about their grief. I know I'm still just reading about life, but it's a start. And that wall I spend so much time keeping around myself has cracks in it now.

maybe a house soon

for the last year, we have been without a house. Living with my mom, or in a 1 bedroom apartment. And its actually been okay, we are amazingly happy.

But we are getting excited about having a house - with a kitchen, bedrooms, a yard, laundry, room for playdates, visitors, and stuff - all the things we havn't had in so long.

We have put an offer on a house that is close to the kids schools, close to my work places, close to town. Lots of room for us, a little bit of nature in the back, everything we want.

We are just waiting to find out about cracks in the foundation, how bad they are.

If all goes well, we'll be in a house in september. yeah!

*waffling mom update:

when I was so sick last month, I told my hubby that I was cured - I would NEVER want another baby, ever!

Now I'm feeling better. So he told a friend that he's planning to get snipped in 2 weeks. My immediate reaction? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

(don't worry, I'm stiffling it very successfully. but i think its hilarious that i still had that reaction after everything. some brains are just wired that way, i guess.)

be careful what you wish for

well.

remember how i wrote that i was waiting to see if i was pregnant?

I am. I have been SO sick for the last 2.5 months, i couldn't even sit at the computer. I am finally starting to feel better.

But the scary thing is, I am huge for only 14 weeks. we think it might be .......gasp........twins! we won't know until august, so officially its only one.

my kids are being so supportive. the 12 year old cried when she heard - not another little sister or brother! - but by the next day, she was proudly telling everybody she knew, and patting my stomach. the 8 year old wants to share a room with the baby! they looked after each other so well while i was sick. I had just accepted a fulltime job, to start in sept. and had to let it go. they are disappointed that my not getting a job for a year or two means putting some plans on hold - getting their own rooms, a dog, dirtbikes, ect., but we've never been a very materialistic family, so its not any different. It was nice to dream about all the cool things we'd be able to do, but not like we had them and had to give it up.

very hard for my husband to postpone the dream though. its the only thing that has kept him going the last few years. he is being wonderful though, since it was partly his fault! we are looking for houses now, at our diminished budget, and it is going not too badly. we won't get everything we want, but we shouldn't end up in a broken down house, which is good!

I feel a bit bad for the 12 year old. by the time i get back to work and she could get her own room, a horse, all the things her friends have - she'll be graduating and moving away. I wish i could have given her everything.

But she is very happy and that's the main thing. two years ago she was a mess, and the changes we made have meant less money, but more happiness for her. and thats what its really all about.

so, life has taken a turn, but it didn't flame and burn like we thought it might. things are actually going to be fine.

phewww.

Friends

My friend, the person I've known longest in my life, other than my family, phoned yesterday.

Her hubby died Friday.

I am so sorry I never made the effort to know him better. I saw a bit of his writing on facebook, once, and it immediately made me want to - he seemed like a really interesting guy. I never followed it up though, and I regret that.

Another reason to keep in touch with everyone, because you never know how long you will have.

well, so much for keeping in touch. EVERY year, I promise myself that THIS year I will keep in touch with people. I will write or phone or email on a regular basis.

It's not like I've forgotten them, I think about my friends all the time, and I read their blogs or facebooks. I just find it very hard to open the conversation.

Thank goodness some of them phone me on a regular basis, because they know that I sure as heck won't phone them.

So, an update . . . the little boy turned 5 on Valentines day, all of the kids are signed up to play softball in a month (our first time), the subbing went well, although I have no work at present. I am starting up an afterschool program later this month - I will be the manager. The place my hubby works at was sold, so he is planning to work from home more.

One interesting tidbit. After my little boy was born, my hubby wanted to stop having kids. I've always wanted a LOT of kids. But, since I had the daycare full of kids, and I was burnt out and barely coping, and so was he, I could say "I'm happy with where we are, this is our last one, but I'm still hoping for a bonus baby (you know, the one that comes unexpectedly years later.)" For the last 5 years he's been too chicken to get snipped, so I was quite happy to give away all my baby stuff, because I still had the possibility of babies.

Then we moved here, and I started working with babies. And I started thinking how much I missed all the baby times. And how much I love being pregnant, depite the puking and extreme tiredness. Then in Feb. he went for his preliminary snipping appointment. I cried for a day. Then I tried to get pregnant before he did it. I thought I might be, for 4 days, and I was SOOOO happy. But I wasn't.

Now that's a good thing, since I need to work to support my family, or we will be in dire straights - remember, we are 5 in a one-room aprtment until I find a job.

It took me a few weeks to get over it. Its hard to say goodbye to motherhood when you love it so much.

Then he postponed his snip, and I had one last chance to try. So now I'm waiting again to see. If I'm not, I'm not trying again. I feel like I'm doing something terrible, trying to have another kid when it so doesn't fit in with our spot in life right now. But its like putting a cookie in front of a kid and telling them you're leaving the room for a minute. I'm disappointed in myself for not resisting, but DELIROUSLY HAPPY THAT I GOT A CHANCE TO GRAB THAT COOKIE!!!!

So wish me luck. Both ways, because I so would love to be pregnant again, and because I so shouldn't be.

more roller coasters

Still lots of ups and downs here. Now we are into the job search up-and-down. I'll get a positive response from someone when I give them my resume, but it fizzles out. Then I'll be discouraged because nothing seems to be panning out, and I'll get a call from someone who wants some information. I haven't had so many mood swings since I was two (my mom assures me that I had more then).

The girls are settling into their schools, making friends, getting themselves home okay. Tomorrow I start 7 days of subbing work, so they will be on their own with the little boy afterschool. I'm not too far away, and they have been practicing - last week I went to the laundry room 3 floors away every day and let them practice afterschool. This will be their first time picking him up at daycare, and taking the bus home. They seem so young when I see them walking away together (the oldest is still in elementary school), but they are pretty capable. And our teachers and bus drivers are so great, I don't worry so much knowing that they are being watched over.

Wish I something exciting to write, but on the otherhand, sometimes its nice to not have anything to write about. I remember when my kids were smaller, and everyday was like a soap-opera. I'll have to think up something profound for my next post, lol.

grief

I learned something today.

I read an article on Tiff's blog (in the first comment on her Decisions post) about a piano.

The piano is grief, which suddenly shows up in your life, and takes up all the space. You try to live around it, as if it wasn't there, but you bump into it at every turn and can't do the things you used to do, or want to do.

Over time you learn to live despite it. Then you learn to play the piano, and it adds a beautiful new dimension to your life.

The article is talking about the grief that comes when a child dies. I don't want to even suggest that what I'm going to say next compares to that. But, when I read it, I cried because I saw something that the piano could represent to me.

I have gone through a few episodes of depression, and during one of them, I lost my hope.

I have lived the last 14 years without hope. It has always been present, overshadowing everything I do, every experience with my children, coming between my husband and me.

I just realised that I can learn to play that piano, instead of living half a life around it.

I think my family would like me to get a life. I think its time.

crazy days

Tuesday, I drove 25 min. to take my husband to work, drove 25 min. back, dragged the little boy around to appointments all day, drove back to pick up my hubby, and then back home.

Yesterday I dropped the little boy off at daycare, walked 40 min. to town, handed out resumes, walked 40 min. back, picked up the little boy from daycare, walked with him 30 min. home.

I am having a lazy day today - I don't have to go out anywhere.

Going out has been been a lot of work. Lots of planning, packing, walking, cajoling the little boy to go to 'one' more place. He has had his first temper-tantrums in a long while this week.

Today we get to stay home.

I will be doing laundry in the 2 communal washers, which takes HOURS of going up and down stairs because someone else is always doing laundry as well.

I will be cooking for 5 on our hot plate.

I will be making up resumes, so that tomorrow I can walk another 3 hours.

Amazingly, we are happy despite it all. We like this move. After 4 months of being seperated, we are happy to be a family again. (The kids and I were living with my mom while hubby found a town to live in.)

ups and downs

well, we've pretty much sorted out how to get the girls home from school, despite losing one on friday. i forgot that the little one's new school gets out early on fridays, but she managed to find her way to the bigger one's school (even though there was no-one there because of a fieldtrip) and waited until someone let her in. When I was late picking her up at her last new school in sept., I found her crying at the side of the road. No tears from her this time, but I had my heart in my throat until I found her! She seems to have more confidence in herself now, fitting into her new school very well. Practice makes perfect, I guess.

stress!!

I am trying to take deep breaths and repeat the mantra " Calm. . . . I am calm . . . . everything will work out . . . ."

Just trying to sort out how to get the kids home from school in this new town i'm in. I've always worked from home, and we lived only 2 blocks from school, so they could walk home with friends, no big deal.

Now we are staying on a highway with no sidewalk, and they have a bit of a walk. I keep picturing them . . . . in a snowstorm . . . . on the highway as it turns the corner . . . . my babies . . . a car slides . . . . okay, melodramatic, i know. they'll be fine, we'll maybe meet someone who can give them a ride home or something. There is no public bus, but there is a small community shuttle which may work out. sort of.

Working mothers have so much stress.

poems

Yellow Jello Moon by Linda Lee Crosfield

cougar eyes
road lies
ribbon light
devil night
cloud song
nothing wrong
burned hill
road kill
coyote yip
rose hip
caddis fly
blink of an eye
winter soon
yellow-jello moon

I saw this in an underground publication called SKAT, it reminded me of something I tried a few years ago. One of those things where you try to do something everyday - writing, drawing, reading the bible, whatever. I chose poetry, which I'd never done before, but I wanted to try something creative - and it had to be something with no prep or mess, because I had little kids around all the time. The book I wrote them in is packed somewhere now, but maybe I'll type some up when I find it.

A Long and Winding Road

Well, I ended up with a blog because of ........ ben-wa balls. I know, who would of thought?

You see, my family (3 kids, hubby, guinea pig and bunny) and I have moved around a lot this last year, and i was feeling rather invisable - you know, when you're in a place, and nobody knows you, and its like you are a ghost walking through the room? Anyway, I was finally 'seen' by a wonderfully friendly lady, and invited to a party. yeah, it was a sex-toy party, but it was just like a tupperware party, and all the ladies invited had little kids - more of a laugh, than anything else. So I bought ben-wa balls (for the exercise value, of course). Then I had to google to find out what to with them! The second google went to Veronica's Sleepless Nights, and I was amazed that I could 'see' her all the way from canada to tazmania. I checked out a couple more, and fell in love with the beautiful writing of Tiff from mythreeringcircus.

I generally don't mind being invisable, I've always had my life full of children, and they have a way of filling you up. But now I'm at lose ends, and i'm feeling lost. So, shygirl - who has not been 'seen' by many people before - is taking a deep breath, and allowing herself to be seen.

I love reading your blogs, and I don't feel so alone when I read your stories. Thank you for letting us 'see' you.