more roller coasters

Still lots of ups and downs here. Now we are into the job search up-and-down. I'll get a positive response from someone when I give them my resume, but it fizzles out. Then I'll be discouraged because nothing seems to be panning out, and I'll get a call from someone who wants some information. I haven't had so many mood swings since I was two (my mom assures me that I had more then).

The girls are settling into their schools, making friends, getting themselves home okay. Tomorrow I start 7 days of subbing work, so they will be on their own with the little boy afterschool. I'm not too far away, and they have been practicing - last week I went to the laundry room 3 floors away every day and let them practice afterschool. This will be their first time picking him up at daycare, and taking the bus home. They seem so young when I see them walking away together (the oldest is still in elementary school), but they are pretty capable. And our teachers and bus drivers are so great, I don't worry so much knowing that they are being watched over.

Wish I something exciting to write, but on the otherhand, sometimes its nice to not have anything to write about. I remember when my kids were smaller, and everyday was like a soap-opera. I'll have to think up something profound for my next post, lol.

grief

I learned something today.

I read an article on Tiff's blog (in the first comment on her Decisions post) about a piano.

The piano is grief, which suddenly shows up in your life, and takes up all the space. You try to live around it, as if it wasn't there, but you bump into it at every turn and can't do the things you used to do, or want to do.

Over time you learn to live despite it. Then you learn to play the piano, and it adds a beautiful new dimension to your life.

The article is talking about the grief that comes when a child dies. I don't want to even suggest that what I'm going to say next compares to that. But, when I read it, I cried because I saw something that the piano could represent to me.

I have gone through a few episodes of depression, and during one of them, I lost my hope.

I have lived the last 14 years without hope. It has always been present, overshadowing everything I do, every experience with my children, coming between my husband and me.

I just realised that I can learn to play that piano, instead of living half a life around it.

I think my family would like me to get a life. I think its time.

crazy days

Tuesday, I drove 25 min. to take my husband to work, drove 25 min. back, dragged the little boy around to appointments all day, drove back to pick up my hubby, and then back home.

Yesterday I dropped the little boy off at daycare, walked 40 min. to town, handed out resumes, walked 40 min. back, picked up the little boy from daycare, walked with him 30 min. home.

I am having a lazy day today - I don't have to go out anywhere.

Going out has been been a lot of work. Lots of planning, packing, walking, cajoling the little boy to go to 'one' more place. He has had his first temper-tantrums in a long while this week.

Today we get to stay home.

I will be doing laundry in the 2 communal washers, which takes HOURS of going up and down stairs because someone else is always doing laundry as well.

I will be cooking for 5 on our hot plate.

I will be making up resumes, so that tomorrow I can walk another 3 hours.

Amazingly, we are happy despite it all. We like this move. After 4 months of being seperated, we are happy to be a family again. (The kids and I were living with my mom while hubby found a town to live in.)

ups and downs

well, we've pretty much sorted out how to get the girls home from school, despite losing one on friday. i forgot that the little one's new school gets out early on fridays, but she managed to find her way to the bigger one's school (even though there was no-one there because of a fieldtrip) and waited until someone let her in. When I was late picking her up at her last new school in sept., I found her crying at the side of the road. No tears from her this time, but I had my heart in my throat until I found her! She seems to have more confidence in herself now, fitting into her new school very well. Practice makes perfect, I guess.

stress!!

I am trying to take deep breaths and repeat the mantra " Calm. . . . I am calm . . . . everything will work out . . . ."

Just trying to sort out how to get the kids home from school in this new town i'm in. I've always worked from home, and we lived only 2 blocks from school, so they could walk home with friends, no big deal.

Now we are staying on a highway with no sidewalk, and they have a bit of a walk. I keep picturing them . . . . in a snowstorm . . . . on the highway as it turns the corner . . . . my babies . . . a car slides . . . . okay, melodramatic, i know. they'll be fine, we'll maybe meet someone who can give them a ride home or something. There is no public bus, but there is a small community shuttle which may work out. sort of.

Working mothers have so much stress.

poems

Yellow Jello Moon by Linda Lee Crosfield

cougar eyes
road lies
ribbon light
devil night
cloud song
nothing wrong
burned hill
road kill
coyote yip
rose hip
caddis fly
blink of an eye
winter soon
yellow-jello moon

I saw this in an underground publication called SKAT, it reminded me of something I tried a few years ago. One of those things where you try to do something everyday - writing, drawing, reading the bible, whatever. I chose poetry, which I'd never done before, but I wanted to try something creative - and it had to be something with no prep or mess, because I had little kids around all the time. The book I wrote them in is packed somewhere now, but maybe I'll type some up when I find it.

A Long and Winding Road

Well, I ended up with a blog because of ........ ben-wa balls. I know, who would of thought?

You see, my family (3 kids, hubby, guinea pig and bunny) and I have moved around a lot this last year, and i was feeling rather invisable - you know, when you're in a place, and nobody knows you, and its like you are a ghost walking through the room? Anyway, I was finally 'seen' by a wonderfully friendly lady, and invited to a party. yeah, it was a sex-toy party, but it was just like a tupperware party, and all the ladies invited had little kids - more of a laugh, than anything else. So I bought ben-wa balls (for the exercise value, of course). Then I had to google to find out what to with them! The second google went to Veronica's Sleepless Nights, and I was amazed that I could 'see' her all the way from canada to tazmania. I checked out a couple more, and fell in love with the beautiful writing of Tiff from mythreeringcircus.

I generally don't mind being invisable, I've always had my life full of children, and they have a way of filling you up. But now I'm at lose ends, and i'm feeling lost. So, shygirl - who has not been 'seen' by many people before - is taking a deep breath, and allowing herself to be seen.

I love reading your blogs, and I don't feel so alone when I read your stories. Thank you for letting us 'see' you.