Spring is coming

Wow, its been awhile since I've posted. Either too busy to spend the time, or too melancholy from reading blogs with sick children. I really need to post before I read about Ivy and Veronica and Katie. Or think about the ones I know around here. The worlds troubles just weigh on my shoulders at night.

Life is much the same as it always is, in our corner of the world.

Big girl is homeschooling this year. She finds the public school system too frustrating - her brain thinks at problems backwards than most people, so it takes her a long time to get the concept you are trying to teach her, and she cannot write down an answer properly, so it cannot be marked right. Homeschool went well until Jan., when she got sick for 4 weeks. During that time she got hooked on watching anime shows on her laptop in her room. Oh, the struggle to get her to come join us in the real world again! Just like when she was a toddler/preschooler/child/preteen - so resistant to change and transition. Slowly seeing the light come on in her eyes again, but she has taken to posting on facebook - i want to go live with my dad, i can't take it anymore, I have to get out of here. People are understandably getting worried about her. I'm slightly embarrassed whenever I read the posts and peoples comments. Teenagers . . .

Little girl is doing well, keeping herself busy skiing, skating, playing indoor soccer, building snow forts. Health is good this year, and she is happy.

Little boy is doing well. Seemed to have no seizures over the winter, may have just started them again. They seem to not affect him much, his physical development is fine, his academics are fine. We drove 5 hours in the fall for an appointment, the truck broke down, I had 3 kids and a dog - so no bus home. We stayed in a hotel for 2 nights, one of hubby's friends thankfully came and picked us up. The truck stayed in the far-away town for over a month, leaving me with no vehicle, then I took the bus to pick it up when it was finally fixed. I don't think I'll go back unless I have too!

Hubby is still up north working. He just about went off the deep end after xmas, seems better now. Is making an effort to come home more. He was away for 30 to 40 days at a time, 86 in the summer in one stretch, but it was too much. We will just make do with less money.

I am working in childcare again. I needed a job quickly, and its easy for me to get a job - I have so much experience. I have been trying to get out of the field for years, for personal reasons, but I'm back in. I'm liking it, but treading on tip-toe and keeping it at arms length still. Hope I will settle in by summer, and that it all goes well.

CMT update - losing muscle in my hands. My left pinkie has trouble making the 'a' and 'shift' as I type, have to keep going back, lol. Broke my foot in the fall, tripping. It healed well, but I may have not enough calcium in my bones since it broke so easily.

very funny story . . . I was walking the dogs with my kids at my parents farm when i tripped. they ran to a neighbours house and i got a ride home (they had to walk the dogs back, ha ha). I hopped around on it for a couple of days, using a paddle as a crutch. Then my sister, who is a doctor, said I should get it checked - it was probably broken, from my symptoms. That day, big girl ended up in hospital for 3 days with an asthma attack, brought on by doing the barn chores for me. While i was overnight with big girl, bears got into my parents chicken coop and killed 50 chickens. so i was scrambling up and down hills on my knees (sore foot), picking up chicken parts and fixing fences/walls for 2 days. I got an x-ray, and it was broken - i got a walking cast and real crutches.

I still had it when the truck broke down and we had to walk everywhere for over a month. I walked more with the broken foot, than i had for months before i broke it! i think that is why it healed so well though, lots of blood flow.

we are definitely into spring here - today it rained, then snowed, was gloriously warm and sunny, then a blizzard came in for an hour. it is both slickly icy and sloppily slushy on the roads. so fun. but we are thinking about gardens. The tide has turned, and spring is coming.

Photos!

Just read that Ivy girl is getting her wish. . . woo-hoo! so happy for you, and your family!

Here's my little girl - getting too big to call the little girl anymore!

We are enjoying the summer sun - it finally showed itself, after 2 months of rain. We are staying with family, and playing with cousins.

We have finally gotten Christopher's marker. Come with us to see - we walk down the hill, past my mom and dad's barn . . .

. . . the 2 littlest girls of the herd of 10 goats . . .

then we walk along the path to the cemetery . . .

. . . and here are Nana and Christopher, keeping each other company.

I will hopefully have photos of christopher himself soon. I've been in touch with the photographer who took photos in the hospital. several mail mix-ups later, and we may have them in the fall.

Monday

Well, I made it - it's Monday, and I'm posting . . .

but it will be short. I'm tired, and don't feel like talking - or thinking.

Things on the farm are great, this is the best summer I've had in years and years.

The kids and I got a dog, we've been looking for months for the 'perfect' dog to fit our family, and he's finally here. A rescue dog, we think he's 3-5 yrs old, sheltie/pom mix maybe?, we named him Toby, and he's absolutely wonderful!

Hubby says work sucks - lots of days they can't work because of rain, and no socializing allowed. Social butterfly that he is, finds it very hard to keep to himself.

I have fallen off the phoning/letter/keeping in touch wagon, which is very discouraging. Will try again. One day. Such a procrastinator!

I will work on posting photos for next week.

Magic

I have decided that my new goal for the year is to add magic back into my life.

I used to feel so awestruck and get warm fuzzies when I read about or drew faeries, elves, pixies, dwarves, gnomes, ect. Looking around the forests and fields, seeing them behind every tree, in every hole.

I havn't had anything magical in my life for a long time. And part of that is because I lived in the city from my 20's on. There is nowhere for magic to live in the city. Or maybe a different magic, that I didn't know how to see. Now that I'm back in the mountains, i'll have to start looking for them again.

Maybe I'll draw, maybe I'll read, maybe I'll research. maybe I'll go visit a faery festival, if I can find one.

Seeing the light?

Summer is finally here, the sun is finally out. The kids and I are sleeping out on the balcony every night, watching the stars and the bats.

The cottonwoods are creating blizzards of white fluff 24/7. We have many trees on our property line, and the drifts are getting very big! Quite spectacular when the wind gusts.

Hubby has gone back up north to work, and is hating it - the new site is huge (10,000 people) so there is more confusion, more mix-ups. but he is sticking it out, because we are back to being beyond broke.

I need to find a job. Something completely different, but still makes money. My new "job" isn't really me - I'm not much of a salesperson. Or everyone says that I'm not, so I don't. And even if i was, I probably couldn't make much at it, not that sort of job - pyramid schemes make money for other people.

Have been thinking deep thoughts this week. Reading up on the orthodox church, which our family is joining. very comforting in some ways, like finally having all the pieces to the puzzle. But of course, now we have to start getting into what we believe. So, reading about confession, communion, repentance, the trinity, ect.

Have discovered some things about what the church believes in:

- confession and repentance are based on forgiveness - both given and accepted - and so should have lots of tolerance, both for others and the self.

- confession is not meant to be condemnation of past sins, all guilt and shame. Rather, should focus on channeling passions into good works.

- confession and repentance is meant to be worked on together, not alone.

I think if I had had something like this a few years ago, I wouldn't have gone so far into myself. Having to deal with everything by myself killed almost everything inside me. That is why it has been so hard to join life again, and taken so long.

It scares the crap out of me, thinking that I will have to talk to people about . . . stuff. I've learned from the depression courses, and my own experience, that I have to in order to progress, but it is soooooo much easier to just stay in my little solitary world. I do have to admit, it is very lonely in here though.

And i remembered my promise. A few years ago, I was in a church, and the pastor's sermon was about giving a gift to Jesus (christmas time, jesus gave us eternal life, what could we give him). I gave him my life - I promised to not take my own life, but to let him decide when i should go. And weather or not I actually believe in Jesus doesn't matter, the decision is now out of my hands. I forgot that promise for awhile, but I hope that I don't again. It makes my family feel better. I also know that sometimes the promises aren't enough, so I make sure I get help before it goes that far now.

I rejected Jesus after one of my first bad depressions. He is all about eternal life, and I did not, and still do not, want to live forever. Life is too hard. I just want it all to be over - dark, still nothingness. And yes, I've had it explained that heaven will be peaceful, no anxiety, pain, sadness, ect. And yes, it would be nice if no-one ever died. But. I'm still stuck here in my darkness. 20 years.

I guess if I can survive that long, I will survive until the end. So I might as well have fun and do something good for other people while I'm here. And maybe i will try to do it in the light. We'll see.

growing up

I can't believe my big girl will be 15 years old at christmas. I've gotten used to the fact that she is a teenager, but 15 sounds so old.

I know I'm lucky that she still is a 'little girl', not already out getting into more trouble than she can handle.

She wears my clothes, her feet are bigger than mine.

My messy, complicated, needy, amazingly wonderful little girl is growing up into a messy, complicated, needy, amazingly wonderful woman.

And I'm totally blown away.

I've always thought that beautiful little boys growing into men was beyond understanding, and how do their mothers stand it?

I thought girls were no-brainers, they just grow up, like I did.

But life has a way of being fantastic, beyond belief, miraculous, amazing.

Wether you are ready to see it or not.

learning curve

being with people is exhausting. even being with animals.

always jostling, always a power struggle.

the dog - you have to show that you are the boss. dogs need a strong leader.

the goats - they try to be the boss too. you always have to be the boss.

kids - you always have to be consistent, to be doing what is good for them - not what they want to do. you always have to be the boss.

husbands - you always have to be placating them, building them up. then they will be there for you - placating you and building you up, when you need it. hopefully.

mothers - dancing the balance of mother/daughter through the years. always a daughter, bowing to the wisdom of the elder. always a mother, teaching and correcting.

people - always balancing between listening and telling.

It's exhausting.


I have just chosen a job where I have to be interacting with people all the time. I have never been able to do that, it is so exhausting for me. I have been on my case for years to interact more.

And now all I can think of is going off into a quiet corner by myself. And that is just with family!

I think I have a steep learning curve!