fight fear

I feel like I've been afraid all my life. And I've noticed I have a real victim mentality - poor me, someone has to rescue me.

Everyone is afraid, but my fears took control of me when I was in highschool. I've been able to get some control back over the years, but I still need to do some work on it. I need to be the rescuer, and save myself.

so, I'm going to start fighting the fear.

starting today, I'm going to do one thing a day that fights my fear. hmmm, actually, that's too unrealistic. starting tomorrow, I'm going to do one thing a week to fight my fear. (gotta love us procrastinators!)

I'm going to start with letting my facebook friends know that I have a blog. I have to stop complaining that no-one see's me, and let people in. First step - the blog.

The farm

This band is from Quebec, but they were playing at a friends house in the little town where i grew up. I've been staying there this month.

The band was playing in the backyard, 40 people listening, when a big bear walked past. the band's eyes grew huge, everyone turned around to see what they were looking at. Then everybody just turned back, and kept listening. the band was flabbergasted that no-one was worried. it was hilarious. bears are so common place here.

I've been milking my mom's goats twice a day. one goat is short, but has a huge udder. she practically drags it around on the ground. I can hardly get the pot under her when i milk, and her babies have to almost lie on the ground to get anything. the other goat is tall and has a small udder. her babies had to be lifted up when the were small.

my mom just got a miniture goat - a little male goat. She needs to get smaller goats because she's getting too old to handle the bigger ones. she's already stopped raising calves. anyway, the buck is hilarious. his name is udaman - 'you the man'. we call him manny. he looks like a pot belly pig, his legs are so short. he disappears in the tall grass when he goes out. my mom hasn't figured out how to breed them yet - maybe he'll have to stand on a bale of hay so he can reach the does?

I've been picking garlic, and braiding it to hang and dry. we picked raspberries and currants to make jelly. my sisters heirloom tomatoes are coming in - all different shapes and colors and flavours.

i sure love the farm.

Deflections

I was thinking of how much I annoy people by being unreachable, and how hard it is for me to stop doing it.

I was reading a journal from several years ago, and it has all the same words as one from just a few years ago, and this blog - wanting to be part of life, to feel something, to connect with others, and trying to find the way to do it. its been years! i wrote, years ago - "sickness, lingering, the trek to wellness goes slow, a climb taken inch by inch." i had no idea it would take this long, lol.

I totally deflect everything. people don't feel that I'm there, that i'm giving them anything real. and they are hurt, they think they don't matter to me, that i'm ignoring them because i don't like them.

i wrote last nite . . .

Deflections

To my husband,
I am frigid, brittle, cold.
He throws his words at me,
and they bounce off my frozen heart.
But under the ice,
my hurt flows freely.

To my mother-in-law,
I am a closed window.
She throws her words at me,
and they drop to the ground.
But behind the glass,
I am shattered.

To my children,
I am a cloud.
Distant, drifting, untouchable.
They throw their words to me,
and I am silent.
But inside the mist,
I am loving them.

I have locked myself away.
The world throws life at me,
and I deflect it, not letting it in.
But cracks are starting to appear,
and I am glad to see the light filtering in again.

Christopher is responsible for some of the cracks. I was so afraid of being hurt, I never let myself experience anything. But I survived the grief, I FELT something and survived. I am very thankful for that. I like to think (like a santa claus or toothfairy story) that he came to be with us because he knew and loved us from a previous life, and although he knew he couldn't stay, he came because knew that he would be able to give us some very wonderful gifts. My feelings being one of them. I try to remember that when I freeze up. hah, my mantra - feelings are goooood. freezing is baaaaaad. words to live by.