love

I have the flu. Luckily I can sleep it off. This is day 4, getting better - I can sit at the computer now.

I was thinking about Christopher. Being sick in bed reminds me of those 8 months! I realized that he is the only one of the 4 kids that i loved in utero for himself.

The others, I loved because of what I was getting - I couldn't wait to see who they were going to be, but I thought of them as mine. My happiness, through them. The morning sickness and exhaustion was endured so that I could get my baby.

But knowing that Christopher was sick, that he would only be mine by the slimmest of chances, made him his own person. I was going through the sickness for him, to give him the best life he could have. I felt privileged to do this for him. I felt privileged to carry life, now that I knew how fragile and precious it really was.

I think there must be an important lesson in there somewhere - loving someone even though they are not yours, not part of your life, not giving you anything. Most love hinges on tangibles.

of course, I have put tangibles on him, the way we make animals have human traits. he is part of the family, like an imaginary friend. he has saved our marriage, opened my heart, given me closure, brought me full circle in so many ways. But really he just existed. A precious bit of life.

I still feel privileged. That I held him in my belly. And that he made me a better person.

cmt

oops, i forgot yesterday was monday. but i did mail a letter - a significant achievement for me.

decided that since i wasn't phoning my friend, i would send her a letter once a week.

and since i just started a new business scrapbooking, and have the materials, i'm making cards so now i have something to send.

my post this week is about cmt:

1. cmt stands for Charcott-Marie-Tooth Disease or Syndrome.

2. cmt has nothing to do with your teeth.

3. cmt is named after the 3 doctors who 'discovered' the disease - dr.'s Charcott, Marie, and Tooth.

4. cmt is one of the most common inherited neurological diseases.

5. cmt is progressive. that means it gets worse over time.

6. cmt affects the hands and arms, the feet and legs.

7. cmt affects everyone differently - progresses at different rates and to different extents.

8. cmt disrupts the nerves from sending messages to the muscles. The muscles then waste away.

9. I have cmt.

10. My cmt is slow progressing. I was diagnosed six years ago when I tripped constantly and in six months i had 4 sprained ankles, 1 sprained thumb, and numerous bruises and scrapes. With exercise, my foot drop (i wasn't lifting my toes, which is why i was tripping) lessened and i rarely trip now. awareness helps too, i'm very careful when i run. My walking has deteriorated - everyone now asks if i'm limping, and i walk noticeably 'funny'. i can't walk as far- its a big effort, i get tired quickly, and my feet hurt and swell. but i still walk without braces. some people deteriorate much faster.

that's all for now. wish i was a better writer. practice makes perfect, right?