Creativity blooms, spreads, goes wild
with only a seed, a spark, a glimmer
and time, patience, calm.
Snow day.
Kids outside.
Snowmen, snowballs.
Snow in boots, in mitts, in mouths.
Laughing faces.
Red cheeks and noses.
Wet hair.
Cold Kisses.
It's late, I'm tired.
Time for bed but I'm wired.
Read a book
and wound up my head.
Confusion swirls,
a sense of dread.
I'll try to sleep,
try breathing deep.
Hope it works,
or I'll still be up when the coffee perks!
Submit to God
they tell me.
But I don't know
how.
Fight Fight Fight
Never give in.
Life is hard
but never give in.
Stick to your guns
and never give in.
No matter what
never give in.
Kira's credo.
My Achilles heel.
She teaches me so much.
She forces my patience, my attention, my love.
But it comes at a price.
A price paid in tears by both of us.
Life is hard
but never give in.
She forces me to live life.
She's my muse.
Yoga poses and life.
Standing on one leg,
I should be a blue heron.
Still, but poised with strength.
Ready to pounce.
Instead, I am an aspen leaf.
Forever trembling, blown every which way.
But I am every day striving
towards strength.
It will come -
as slow as the seasons
and as sure.
Tana's poem:
Sad, grounded.
nothing that I want can happen.
nothing that I need I'll get.
Listening to lectures from my father.
(she adds "can a good thing happen? Mite happen.)
Each week I start anew.
Plans, goals, lists galore.
Each day I feel more tired,
discouraged, despondent.
I thought I could organize
my life, get more time to do
everything I wanted.
But maybe not.
Money slips through my fingers
faster than time
faster than sound
and disappears in the abyss.
I don't know how it gets there
and I don't know how to stop it.
It leaves me feeling empty . . . .
What will I do?
What can I do without?
Everything is important.
We have so much
and yet we need so much too.
Food, bills, dentist, tutor.
We need it all.
I need to find a way.
But its so stressful,
balancing need with want,
balancing income with debt.
It seems everyone else can do it.
So why can't I?
So why is it so hard?
It's the way of the world today.
I give up.
I miss the fish swimming
in my uterus universe.
I miss feeling like
the essence of femininity.
I miss the anticipation
of new worlds coming into being.
I miss knowing that I will be
the sun and stars and moon
to some little person.
Now I feel insignificant
and unessential.
I know mothers are
always important,
but it doesn't feel that way
once babies grow into
children.
A mind like dandelion fluffs,
floating,
taken by the wind
to far-distant shores
and back again.
When I try to catch a thought,
it swirls away
from my finger-tips,
leading me through meadows
where my passing
stirs up other thoughts
to swirl away.
I spin,
trying to catch
more fluffs.
Some I hold for awhile
'til I fall
laughing and dizzy
into the grass,
and watch as the fluffs
float away from my hands
and into the sky.
Then someone calls
and darkness falls.
"Why didn't you ....."
"Look what you've done!"
"Can't you remember anything?"
Now my meadow
is storm-tossed,
cold and inhospitable.
The fluffs fall sodden
to the ground,
ruined and muddy.
And I slog onward,
alone
and wet
in the dark rain.
Will the sun shine again?
Yes .......
but I can't see it
and I'm losing
hope.
Grumpy, irritable,
Angry, annoyed.
My skin aches, my nerves vibrate.
I want to scratch out my eyes,
strangle my neck,
scream and shred my cheeks.
I curl up and wait it out.
Savannah's eyes,
glowing endless pools.
Deep, dark, glossy brown.
Fathomless.
Beautiful.
Slumber.
Warm and cosy.
Snuggled under blankets.
Gently dreaming.
Sleep.
Writing Poems.
My mind a sheet of paper,
Blank and empty.
Whispers come and go, flickering across the page.
The edges curl with hope.
Holes of despair all throughout,
Now I feel insignificant
and unessential.
I know mothers are
always important,
but it doesn't feel that way
once babies grow into
children.
A mind like dandelion fluffs,
floating,
taken by the wind
to far-distant shores
and back again.
When I try to catch a thought,
it swirls away
from my finger-tips,
leading me through meadows
where my passing
stirs up other thoughts
to swirl away.
I spin,
trying to catch
more fluffs.
Some I hold for awhile
'til I fall
laughing and dizzy
into the grass,
and watch as the fluffs
float away from my hands
and into the sky.
Then someone calls
and darkness falls.
"Why didn't you ....."
"Look what you've done!"
"Can't you remember anything?"
Now my meadow
is storm-tossed,
cold and inhospitable.
The fluffs fall sodden
to the ground,
ruined and muddy.
And I slog onward,
alone
and wet
in the dark rain.
Will the sun shine again?
Yes .......
but I can't see it
and I'm losing
hope.
Grumpy, irritable,
Angry, annoyed.
My skin aches, my nerves vibrate.
I want to scratch out my eyes,
strangle my neck,
scream and shred my cheeks.
I curl up and wait it out.
Savannah's eyes,
glowing endless pools.
Deep, dark, glossy brown.
Fathomless.
Beautiful.
Slumber.
Warm and cosy.
Snuggled under blankets.
Gently dreaming.
Sleep.
Writing Poems.
My mind a sheet of paper,
Blank and empty.
Whispers come and go, flickering across the page.
The edges curl with hope.
Holes of despair all throughout,
some just faint pinpricks,
others big enough to swallow whole thoughts.
But hold the paper up to the light and
Watch as the sun shines through.
But hold the paper up to the light and
Watch as the sun shines through.
Writing poems
a challenge
I now tackle eagerly.
Climbing the mountain
with enthusiasm.
Checking the nooks and crannies
for exciting discoveries.
Reveling in the space
and freedom of movement,
the colors of light,
their intensities and warmths and tastes.
Always looking forward
to the next step,
yet enjoying the
moment I'm in.
Time
hurtling
ever
forward
our lives
fly past
too fast
to savor
I'm trying hard
to hold on
still it slips
through my fingers
one day
my life
will be
totally organized
and I will wish
for carefree days
Peace
Contentedness
Calm
I thought I was gone,
lost forever.
But I just now
saw myself,
reflected in
my children's eyes.
I never knew
I was so close by.
I'm close enough
to touch,
to reach out and
find myself
once more
sickness
lingering.
the trek to wellness
goes slow.
a climb taken
inch by inch.
To my husband
I am frigid, brittle, cold.
He throws his words at me
and they bounce off my frozen heart.
But under the ice
my tears flow freely.
To my mother-in-law
I am a closed window.
She throws her words at me
and they fall to the ground.
But behind the glass
I am shattered.
To my children
I am a cloud.
Distant, drifting, untouchable.
They throw their words to me
and the words are swallowed in the silent mist.
But inside the cloud
I am loving them.
To the rest of the world
I have locked myself away.
The world throws life at me
and I deflect it, not letting it in.
But behind my locked door
cracks are starting to appear
and I am glad to see the light
that filters in to me.
Empty.
Dark.
Silent.
This is both my house
and my self.
The day's light
and laughter
are gone.
It is
Empty.
Dark.
Silent.
I think of
the dawn,
the light,
the warmth,
the hope.
It sustains me
through the night.
I am an island
with beautiful warm beaches,
tall snowcapped mountains, dark caves
and a vibrant rainforest,
full of life.
Sometimes a boat sails past.
If it is my kids, they land on the beach.
We lie together in the warm sand
if they feel cuddly
or throw seaweed at each other
if they aren't.
Often people wave hello
as they sail by.
Occasionally they slow down
for a quick chat,
their boat drifting past.
But mostly it is just me.
An island
with beautiful warm beaches,
tall snowcapped mountains, dark caves
and a vibrant rainforest,
full of life.
Maybe I need to
build a marina
so people can
tie up their boats
and stay awhile.
The words bring only sadness,
anguished despair,
hopelessness.
I read them,
I hear them,
but I can't feel them.
Just sadness,
over-powering, all-encompassing,
anguished despair,
hopelessness.
Then suddenly,
like a spring morning
when the first bit of green
pokes through the
brown landscape
of mud
and cold
and drab
I feel hope again,
and love,
and wonder.
I marvel at this
joyful change.
Now the words bring hope,
and love,
and wonder.
Time is a Celtic ouroboros,
the snake that bites its tail,
forming a never-ending circle.
Always I come back
to the same old spots
and wonder why
nothing ever changes.
Perhaps that is
the way time works.
Not only generations and civilizations
doomed to repeat endlessly,
but also
individual lives as well.
Maybe I should stop trying
to stop the circle,
and the desperate attempts to
pry the snake's tail
from its mouth.
Maybe instead,
I should hang on,
and enjoy the ride
as I circle endlessly
through my life.
Carousel Life
My merry-go-round is spinning too fast.
. . .
Still lovely music, sparkly lights, beautiful horses –
just way too fast.
I feel like I'm going to fly off into space,
And I want to avoid the terrible crash.
I'm working on changing things up, letting things go, asking
for more help.
Of course, at the same time, I have added a few new things.
And I'm off my med's.
I went off them to stop the side-effect of needing to sleep
constantly,
always being tired no matter how much I
slept.
Unfortunately,
now I stay up late and wake up early.
I have added more things
Now that I have time to do them.
So there is a lot less sleep happening.
I need to learn Balance.
I need to move from the merry-go-round to
the trapeze artists' tent.
Learn to juggle while walking the
tightrope.
However,
life does not wait while you learn to
balance.
So I will sneak into the tent whenever I
get a chance.
Like today.
Home sick.
A chance to peek into the tent,
and see
what it could be like if I just learned to balance.
I think I will go have a bath. with bubbles.
and learn to balance one thing.
Just one.
and then go back to the merry-go-round.
We are picking up another pet bunny in 2
hours.
so now we have 7 pets again.
I take a breath,
and hang on tight!
They say
"Your thoughts are distorted."
They say
"Don't believe everything you think."
They say
"Change your thinking."
But .....
My thoughts ARE my reality.
I carefully think things through - always.
They say
"The depression makes you see things negatively."
They say
"The anxiety causes you to think things over and over."
They say
"The problem is skewed so your solution is skewed."
But .......
My thoughts ARE my reality.
My depression is over-whelming and I CAN'T think differently.
My anxiety is terrifying and I HAVE to find a way to MAKE IT STOP!!
They say
"It's easy to get better."
They say
"You just have to change your perspective."
They say
"Just do this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this ....."
But .......
My thoughts ARE my reality.
I CAN'T do this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this ....
And then
one day I can.
I can see the distortion,
the optical illusion.
And my reality falls apart.
Because it ISN'T real.
So now I have nothing.
No reality.
Only distrust.
Is what I am thinking real? Or not?
How can I tell?
Am I better now that I know
that my thinking often gets distorted?
Or am I lost,
never knowing if what I am doing
or the world is doing
is real?
They say
"You are fine."
But.....
My thoughts ARE my reality.
Am I fine?
Or is that distorted too?
Hot flashes ......
Random.
Make me sweat.
So hot I have to
take everything off.
Then......
Cold.
Have to put everything
on again.
Over and over and over.
Sometimes ......
it is just right.
But .......
How do I know what the temperature is?
My body no longer works
as a reliable, familiar thermostat.
Something I could count on, to plan for.
Now its hard to tell
if it is hot or cold or just right.
This .......
This is a physical representation
of my distorted thoughts.
Totally real, totally intense,
Totally wrong.
But .......
Not wrong.
They are the body's message.
I AM hot.
I AM cold.
My thoughts ......
are not wrong.
They are my body's message.
I AM over-whelmed.
I AM distraught.
So .......
I just need to treat my thoughts
like the hot flashes.
Just something that happens.
Something I can prepare for.
(wear layers.)
(have strategies.)
And not get upset.
Because ......
It is what it is.
The ocean surges - it can't be stopped.
It just is what it is.
And me ......
I just am what I am.
Not wrong.
Not right.
Just me.
Turtle
hands over ears
La La La La La La
tucked inside my shell
curled up in a ball.
The world is pain
and fatigue
and despair.
Tea
holding the cup in my hands
talking and smiling
hugs and snuggles.
The world is good
and beautiful
and full of love.
Whether it is
Tea in my imagination
or Tea in the real world,
I feel better.
I feel loved.
Winter again.
My world is frozen.
Nothing moves.
All is quiet.
I smile.
I love how my thoughts
are the only sound,
the only movement.
The river of life
is covered in ice
and snow.
The waterfall is still
and silent.
I smile.
I love the peace,
the emptiness.
But look closer,
and there, under the ice,
the water is sliding along.
The waterfall is
sparkling in the sunlight.
I know that spring
will come again.
The river of life
will sweep away the ice and snow
and seep into my heart
until it overflows with love.
I smile.
I love my family,
the joy,
the laughter.
They wait patiently
for spring to come again.
And so do I.
I smile.
