Change

I was thinking last night - I have always had a very hard time with change.

I have always had a terrible time with saying goodbye.

In highschool, I had a very hard time letting go of my childhood and accepting that I was growing up and liked different things.

Moving away from home just about killed me.

Watching my kids grow more independent was so hard (although I like it now!) because my role as mother changed.

When we moved, I left the years of babies behind. I think that's why I wanted another baby so badly, so I could go back into that comfortable past and delay the changes just a few more years.

But I feel ready to face change now. I'm so glad I had this chance to experience pregnancy again, I would have always felt like I was missing something without it. And now I can move on and live the next chapter of my life.

This is a poem I wrote before we moved:

I miss the fish swimming

in my uterus universe.

I miss feeling like the

embodiment of femininity.

I miss the anticipation of

new worlds coming into being.

I miss knowing that I will be

someone's sun, moon, and stars.

Now I feel insignificant

and unessential.

I know mothers are important,

but it doesn't feel that way

once babies grow into children.

That's really how I felt for awhile, and I'm glad that I'll be able to get past that stage now.

Poems

Hey, I just found my book of poems.

We've been moving around so much the last year or so, its been lost in a box until today.

I needed to get creativity back into my life, but couldn't find the time or space or money or inspiration to do drawing or painting. So I decided to try writing poems, even though I never did like my writing.

I would try to write one every week. After awhile I really enjoyed it. I wrote about 15 before I packed the book.

These ones I wrote about trying to write poems:

A mind like cottonwood fluff,

taken by the wind to far-distant worlds,

and back again.

When I try to catch a thought,

like fluff, it swirls away from my fingertips,

leading me through meadows

where my passing stirs up other thoughts,

which also swirl away.

I spin,

trying to catch more thought fluffs.

Some I hold for awhile,

'til I fall - laughing and dizzy,

into the grass.

I watch as the fluff floats away

from my hands,

and into the sky.

Writing poems:

a challenge

I now tackle eagerly.

Climbing the mountain

with enthusiasm,

checking the nooks and crannies

for exciting dicoveries.

Reveling in the space

and freedom of movement.

Absorbing the colors,

their intensity and warmth and taste.

Always looking forward

to the next step,

yet enjoying the moment I'm in.

I'll have to try and do some more, now that we are settled in one spot for awhile. Funny how we ended up in the mountains. When I wrote these, we lived on the flats and had no idea where we would be moving to. I obviously had mountains on my mind!!

Waiting

I'm getting used to the idea that 'he might' is now 'he is'. I was not prepared last week. All the bad things were just something that probably MIGHT happen, in the future. I 'knew' he was probably going to die, and i talked about it and wrote about it, every day. But on Thursday, it became 'now'. And I freaked, like it was a total surprise. I wasn't prepared for that. But I'm doing better now, getting used to the idea. I'll probably freak out a few more times. And that's okay.

I'm going in to the doctors every day or two now to check for a heartbeat, since I can't feel him moving anymore. The heart beat is getting slower and slower. i guess he's not moving because he's sleeping all the time, since he wouldn't have much energy.

I always thought that dying in your sleep would be the best way to go. I'm glad he will have a peaceful exit, not months of tubes and needles and stuff before he goes.

The waiting is hard. We are afraid to plan anything just in case. My 9 year old had her birthday party this weekend, and i stressed about having to cancel at the last minute. People want to do stuff, i keep saying 'in a few weeks'.

******************

I saw Fe's post asking people to come here- I almost had a heart attack! Shy people don't do well with attention. But . . . . thank you, Fe. Our small town doesn't have a support group, and its nice to know that there are people out there who will listen to me talk.

I'm actually being pushed way outside my usual boundaries. Normally, i keep everything inside, and don't deal with it. But because so many kids and their parents know about the baby, i have to talk about it on a daily basis. which is good.

I guess the shygirl is getting a life. Thanks for the kick in pants, baby christopher! you might not be with us for long, but you have sure changed our lives!

life goes on around me

strange.

i never thought about about other peoples grief, i was always so scared about how i would handle death.

i'm getting a crash course. i work in a school, so many children and their parents know i'm pregnant. besides, its very obvious now! i have to tell them about christopher, so they don't plan baby showers and stuff.

and everyone reacts differently. some try not to say anything about it. others need to talk. i find the ones that insist there is hope the hardest. i think i'm afraid to hope.

my family grieves deeper. my mom and my hubby just want to let him go and have it done with. hubby is starting to show the signs of stress. i worry about him. i know he has to work through it, but i still worry. the 5 yr. old needs to talk about it, but his sisters don't want to.

i cry a lot. its hard to find information on this particular situation. lots on unexpected stillbirth, some on knowing your child has something like trisomy 18, where its 'not compatible with life'. not as much on living for months, knowing that he could die at any time, but might live for awhile after birth, too.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

i havn't felt him move for awhile.

i'll go in tomorrow and get the doppler heartbeat check, if i don't feel him move today.

all of a sudden, its not an 'if he dies'. its a 'he might be dead, right now'.

i don't think i'm ready.

the not so merry-go-round

sorry in advance for the negative post. not finding to much to be cheerful about this week.

On Wed., the doctors told me that baby's heart was failing, unexpectedly, for no reason that they could see. They gave me a prescription of heart medication which will go through my blood stream to his. And said come back in 4 weeks to see if the med's helped.

Then on Fri., different doctors said that 4 weeks was too long, to come back in 2 weeks. And that the only reason to come back was to arrange autopsy procedures, because he would probably be born stillborn, and they need the tissue immediately after death. I took that to mean that he was going to die very soon, and I was shocked that i would have to say goodbye to him so fast.

On Mon., another doctor said to prepare for him to be born alive, and what interventions we wanted - comfort level where we let nature take its course, or gung-ho, where they do everything possible to keep him going.

Yesterday, Wed., the doctors said that since I've started the medication, I've voted for intervention, and they can't now let him go, they need to keep intervening. So he may be whisked away if he shows signs of surviving for a bit after birth, wherever the doctors say he needs to go.

Part of the problem is that his condition is so unusual, that they have no idea what to expect. They don't think the medication will help, and they still think he will most likely die very soon. But since they don't know, and he may possibly live, they need to be prepared.

The other part of the problem is that they won't know if there is anything else going on until after he is born. But they think he has some severe complications which mean he is "uncompatible with life". So even if he is born alive, they may not do anything because he wouldn't survive for long anyway.

But what a crazy ride it has been for us. We are at the point where we are all hoping he is stillborn, so that it will be over. I never in a million years thought I would ever write that. I would have thought that anyone else who wrote that was a terrible person for giving up on their son or grandchild.

I guess we all hope he will be fine, but the doctors keep saying they don't think he will be. And the uncertainty is so hard.

I'm supposed to get an ultrasound next week to see how far the heart failure has progressed, and I go back to vancouver on oct. 27 (if he makes it that far) where they will look more in depth at his heart, and tell me if they want to pursue more interventions, or if we should prepare for palliative care. Unless they still can't tell. And then we'll start all over.

So far we are okay. the kids seem fine, we seem fine. Of course nothing has really happened yet. The next few months will be hard, but I think we'll be okay - we have a nice strong family bond, that will help.

advice, anyone?

well, just got back from from more baby tests. not good news, unfortunately. his heart muscle is getting more sluggish, the doctors aren't very hopeful.

any idea's on how much to tell the 12, 9, and 5 year olds? He may still survive, but he may also be born stillborn or die within a few days.

hard to know - he isn't going to die for sure yet, so how much do i tell them?

I'm looking around on the internet for advice, know any good sites?

Thanks.