Photos!

Just read that Ivy girl is getting her wish. . . woo-hoo! so happy for you, and your family!

Here's my little girl - getting too big to call the little girl anymore!

We are enjoying the summer sun - it finally showed itself, after 2 months of rain. We are staying with family, and playing with cousins.

We have finally gotten Christopher's marker. Come with us to see - we walk down the hill, past my mom and dad's barn . . .

. . . the 2 littlest girls of the herd of 10 goats . . .

then we walk along the path to the cemetery . . .

. . . and here are Nana and Christopher, keeping each other company.

I will hopefully have photos of christopher himself soon. I've been in touch with the photographer who took photos in the hospital. several mail mix-ups later, and we may have them in the fall.

Monday

Well, I made it - it's Monday, and I'm posting . . .

but it will be short. I'm tired, and don't feel like talking - or thinking.

Things on the farm are great, this is the best summer I've had in years and years.

The kids and I got a dog, we've been looking for months for the 'perfect' dog to fit our family, and he's finally here. A rescue dog, we think he's 3-5 yrs old, sheltie/pom mix maybe?, we named him Toby, and he's absolutely wonderful!

Hubby says work sucks - lots of days they can't work because of rain, and no socializing allowed. Social butterfly that he is, finds it very hard to keep to himself.

I have fallen off the phoning/letter/keeping in touch wagon, which is very discouraging. Will try again. One day. Such a procrastinator!

I will work on posting photos for next week.

Magic

I have decided that my new goal for the year is to add magic back into my life.

I used to feel so awestruck and get warm fuzzies when I read about or drew faeries, elves, pixies, dwarves, gnomes, ect. Looking around the forests and fields, seeing them behind every tree, in every hole.

I havn't had anything magical in my life for a long time. And part of that is because I lived in the city from my 20's on. There is nowhere for magic to live in the city. Or maybe a different magic, that I didn't know how to see. Now that I'm back in the mountains, i'll have to start looking for them again.

Maybe I'll draw, maybe I'll read, maybe I'll research. maybe I'll go visit a faery festival, if I can find one.

Seeing the light?

Summer is finally here, the sun is finally out. The kids and I are sleeping out on the balcony every night, watching the stars and the bats.

The cottonwoods are creating blizzards of white fluff 24/7. We have many trees on our property line, and the drifts are getting very big! Quite spectacular when the wind gusts.

Hubby has gone back up north to work, and is hating it - the new site is huge (10,000 people) so there is more confusion, more mix-ups. but he is sticking it out, because we are back to being beyond broke.

I need to find a job. Something completely different, but still makes money. My new "job" isn't really me - I'm not much of a salesperson. Or everyone says that I'm not, so I don't. And even if i was, I probably couldn't make much at it, not that sort of job - pyramid schemes make money for other people.

Have been thinking deep thoughts this week. Reading up on the orthodox church, which our family is joining. very comforting in some ways, like finally having all the pieces to the puzzle. But of course, now we have to start getting into what we believe. So, reading about confession, communion, repentance, the trinity, ect.

Have discovered some things about what the church believes in:

- confession and repentance are based on forgiveness - both given and accepted - and so should have lots of tolerance, both for others and the self.

- confession is not meant to be condemnation of past sins, all guilt and shame. Rather, should focus on channeling passions into good works.

- confession and repentance is meant to be worked on together, not alone.

I think if I had had something like this a few years ago, I wouldn't have gone so far into myself. Having to deal with everything by myself killed almost everything inside me. That is why it has been so hard to join life again, and taken so long.

It scares the crap out of me, thinking that I will have to talk to people about . . . stuff. I've learned from the depression courses, and my own experience, that I have to in order to progress, but it is soooooo much easier to just stay in my little solitary world. I do have to admit, it is very lonely in here though.

And i remembered my promise. A few years ago, I was in a church, and the pastor's sermon was about giving a gift to Jesus (christmas time, jesus gave us eternal life, what could we give him). I gave him my life - I promised to not take my own life, but to let him decide when i should go. And weather or not I actually believe in Jesus doesn't matter, the decision is now out of my hands. I forgot that promise for awhile, but I hope that I don't again. It makes my family feel better. I also know that sometimes the promises aren't enough, so I make sure I get help before it goes that far now.

I rejected Jesus after one of my first bad depressions. He is all about eternal life, and I did not, and still do not, want to live forever. Life is too hard. I just want it all to be over - dark, still nothingness. And yes, I've had it explained that heaven will be peaceful, no anxiety, pain, sadness, ect. And yes, it would be nice if no-one ever died. But. I'm still stuck here in my darkness. 20 years.

I guess if I can survive that long, I will survive until the end. So I might as well have fun and do something good for other people while I'm here. And maybe i will try to do it in the light. We'll see.

growing up

I can't believe my big girl will be 15 years old at christmas. I've gotten used to the fact that she is a teenager, but 15 sounds so old.

I know I'm lucky that she still is a 'little girl', not already out getting into more trouble than she can handle.

She wears my clothes, her feet are bigger than mine.

My messy, complicated, needy, amazingly wonderful little girl is growing up into a messy, complicated, needy, amazingly wonderful woman.

And I'm totally blown away.

I've always thought that beautiful little boys growing into men was beyond understanding, and how do their mothers stand it?

I thought girls were no-brainers, they just grow up, like I did.

But life has a way of being fantastic, beyond belief, miraculous, amazing.

Wether you are ready to see it or not.

learning curve

being with people is exhausting. even being with animals.

always jostling, always a power struggle.

the dog - you have to show that you are the boss. dogs need a strong leader.

the goats - they try to be the boss too. you always have to be the boss.

kids - you always have to be consistent, to be doing what is good for them - not what they want to do. you always have to be the boss.

husbands - you always have to be placating them, building them up. then they will be there for you - placating you and building you up, when you need it. hopefully.

mothers - dancing the balance of mother/daughter through the years. always a daughter, bowing to the wisdom of the elder. always a mother, teaching and correcting.

people - always balancing between listening and telling.

It's exhausting.


I have just chosen a job where I have to be interacting with people all the time. I have never been able to do that, it is so exhausting for me. I have been on my case for years to interact more.

And now all I can think of is going off into a quiet corner by myself. And that is just with family!

I think I have a steep learning curve!

hmmm, lost a month of posting there. But I have been sending a card to my friend once a week.

Looking after my parents farm for 3 weeks, right now. And working on my new Creative Memories business. Havn't sold anything, but having fun. I needed something to keep me busy and excited, I was getting stuck in that old rut of 'why wake up in the morning, there's nothing fun to do.' Yes, I sound like my teenager, but hey - now I can empathize with her.

Just got back from watching the hockey playoff game in the local movie theatre. Go Canucks Go! Met the friend that started me on the blogging road - and she has just started a blog for writers. Funny how life is always going in circles.

So my post for this Monday is all about the farm. Lets see if I can paint a picture . . .

a large pie-shaped wedge of green
criss-crossed with fences made of wood and wire
splitting the 11 acres into 6 fields and 2 corals
clinging to the side of the mountain
so steep, you are higher than the trees below
so high, the mountain tops are just right there
9 goats wander around together
55 chickens and a rooster scratch the dirt
6 more little banties peep, peep, peep
and my bunny growls at the dog
ghosts of cows graze the fields
gone now, the bylaws make it impossible
to raise them
memories of horses, all sizes and colors
looking over the fence at us
in our treehouses and hidden forts
the lilacs are in bloom,
the fruit trees in blossom
bees and humming birds competing for
nector and pollen
and in the middle of it all
the house and barns
full of kids and light and family


That is the farm I grew up on, and where I love to come back to whenever I can. My parents are getting older and its getting too much for them though. They talk about selling it a lot. There will be a huge hole in my life when it goes. And endless memories.

love

I have the flu. Luckily I can sleep it off. This is day 4, getting better - I can sit at the computer now.

I was thinking about Christopher. Being sick in bed reminds me of those 8 months! I realized that he is the only one of the 4 kids that i loved in utero for himself.

The others, I loved because of what I was getting - I couldn't wait to see who they were going to be, but I thought of them as mine. My happiness, through them. The morning sickness and exhaustion was endured so that I could get my baby.

But knowing that Christopher was sick, that he would only be mine by the slimmest of chances, made him his own person. I was going through the sickness for him, to give him the best life he could have. I felt privileged to do this for him. I felt privileged to carry life, now that I knew how fragile and precious it really was.

I think there must be an important lesson in there somewhere - loving someone even though they are not yours, not part of your life, not giving you anything. Most love hinges on tangibles.

of course, I have put tangibles on him, the way we make animals have human traits. he is part of the family, like an imaginary friend. he has saved our marriage, opened my heart, given me closure, brought me full circle in so many ways. But really he just existed. A precious bit of life.

I still feel privileged. That I held him in my belly. And that he made me a better person.

cmt

oops, i forgot yesterday was monday. but i did mail a letter - a significant achievement for me.

decided that since i wasn't phoning my friend, i would send her a letter once a week.

and since i just started a new business scrapbooking, and have the materials, i'm making cards so now i have something to send.

my post this week is about cmt:

1. cmt stands for Charcott-Marie-Tooth Disease or Syndrome.

2. cmt has nothing to do with your teeth.

3. cmt is named after the 3 doctors who 'discovered' the disease - dr.'s Charcott, Marie, and Tooth.

4. cmt is one of the most common inherited neurological diseases.

5. cmt is progressive. that means it gets worse over time.

6. cmt affects the hands and arms, the feet and legs.

7. cmt affects everyone differently - progresses at different rates and to different extents.

8. cmt disrupts the nerves from sending messages to the muscles. The muscles then waste away.

9. I have cmt.

10. My cmt is slow progressing. I was diagnosed six years ago when I tripped constantly and in six months i had 4 sprained ankles, 1 sprained thumb, and numerous bruises and scrapes. With exercise, my foot drop (i wasn't lifting my toes, which is why i was tripping) lessened and i rarely trip now. awareness helps too, i'm very careful when i run. My walking has deteriorated - everyone now asks if i'm limping, and i walk noticeably 'funny'. i can't walk as far- its a big effort, i get tired quickly, and my feet hurt and swell. but i still walk without braces. some people deteriorate much faster.

that's all for now. wish i was a better writer. practice makes perfect, right?

Thinking aloud

We celebrated our orthodox easter this weekend. We missed out on most of the easter lead up during Holy Week - just couldn't fit the daily drives and time into the schedule, but went friday, saturday and sunday. We participated in palm sunday, with branches and a procession around the church. We saw the shroud of christ on Good Friday. We stayed up to midnite on Saturday, when all the lights went out. Then our candles were lit from one special one, and we again had a procession around the church, proclaiming that christ has risen. Then we had a little agape(?) feast to break the lenten fast. (We only fasted a week and half, and only cut out meat. Most others had fasted 50 days, and cut out meat, dairy, eggs, alcohol, chocolate, ect) Then on Sunday we had a large feast - roasted pig, huge wheel of cheese, tons of food.

We are liking this church. We will be going a bit longer than just April. We'll see how long.

Reading a great book called Thirsting for God, about Protestants seeking more, and some finding it in the Eastern Orthodox church. I hadn't really realized how Protestants were different than other religions, in what ways. Many of my questions were answered, and many of my questions were asked in the book as 'common questions that protestants have' - which means that my questions aren't just my struggle to figure things out, they are 'common' questions that others have found within the church. That was an eye-opener for me. I'll have to do some more reading.

examples: we are a rationalistic society, so when one church says that it is interpreting the scriptures correctly, but others say that another way is the correct one, then we try to research the answers - find the right way through knowledge. and i have been, by reading everything i can, visiting all different types of churches, checking out different religions.

protestant churches have sermons and prayers that come 'from the heart, spontaneously, talking to Jesus as a friend, intimate'. But that means that each sermon and each priest is different, and the sermon is judged - was this one more profound, did I click with his view, did people like it? And prayers are all about us, talking to Jesus. In the first centuries after Jesus died, church and prayer were different - they were based on the idea that love and spirituality were acts, not ideas. the people of the church participate fully in the services, prayers, fasting, ect. the senses are filled with sound, smell, sight, touch, taste. and in doing these things repeatedly, their mind is freeer to commune with jesus and God. like in the middle of doing the dishes, you figure out the solution to a problem - your mind has been freed up with the repetitive actions. Or something like that.

My thinking is all muddy today. Not coming out to make sense. I'll work on that for next week :)

Another New Beginning

I have cut my hair - short and sassy.

I have colored it - loud and vibrant.

I have a nose ring - hopefully small and pretty!

I have a new job - hosting scrapbook sessions and selling product.

It fits in with my part-time job at the school, and my busy kids.

1 has braces, the other will have them in June. Constant orthodontist appointments as they are adjusted and readjusted.

We are getting a dog. Was supposed to be this month, I am secretly hoping to leave it till September, since I am crazy busy with my new job.

We are going to an orthodox church this month, to celebrate easter. (Every month the kids and I explore a culture/country/religion. This month is Russia.) The services are quite intriguing - all done by choir or chanting, mostly standing, fairly ornate (fancy dress, incense, many icons, candles, ect.) We are liking them. It helps that there are more children than adults - more child friendly than most orthodox churches, I think.

We will be coloring eggs this week, learning how to do Ukrainian eggs, and going to a midnite service. Also, trying to bake some traditional Russian Easter foods, and my first alone Easter dinner - always hubby or mom was there to help. Okay, actually, they did it all, I just helped peel carrots and things. So it should be interesting. Will probably have to go out for pizza at 8pm!

At school, the children are taking part in many Earth Day activities. Field trips, plays, trail cleanups, fundraising for the nature park, sturgeon release (a rare fish being 'saved' in our area), and more.

Busy, busy, busy. Did I mention that already?! Lol.

the restart button

okay, we're going to restart that commitment to writing every week. starting now.

no, . . . . . . . now!

I think I need to set a specific time of the week, so I will write on the blog on Mondays, and phone people on Tuesdays. (Until they tell me another more convenient day)

I have made a list of things i can talk about. CMT, babies, poems, books, stuff.

And I will not read other blogs right before I go to write mine - its so overwhelming to read everyones beautiful writing and tragic events. I feel like I can't, and shouldn't, add anything to that.

But, life goes on. And I am going to make an effort to join it. For my kids, and my hubby, and for me.

I am an island,

with beautiful warm beaches,

a vibrant rainforest

full of life,

tall snowcapped mountains,

deep caves.

The world is out there.

Sometimes a boat

sails past.

If it is my kids,

they land on the beach.

We lie in the warm sand

(if we feel cuddly)

or throw seaweed at each other

(if we aren't).

If it is other people,

they sometimes wave

as they sail past.

Occasionally they slow

for a chat, then drift off.

But mostly it is

just me.

An island

with beautiful warm beaches,

a vibrant rainforest

full of life,

tall snowcapped mountains,

deep caves.

I will build a marina,

where people can

tie up their boats

and stay for awhile.

Commitment

I am going to commit to writing every week until the summer. (Wish me luck) I already am trying to phone one friend once a week. have done once a month so far. But a commitment is different than trying. So I'll commit to that too. (Wish me more luck!)

I have been feeling very lonely lately. Hubby has gone north to work, and we don't talk much - bad connections and timing. I used to have a job or my little busy children to keep me occupied, and was never lonely. But with older independent kidlets, and only some part-time work, I have a lot of time to feel lonely now.

And because I'm used to thinking like a victim, accepting what happens and waiting for someone to fix things, I havn't done too much about it. Except complain. And feel sorry for myself because I havn't done anything with my life. But I've been reading some blogs, and I'm inspired to try again.

I will be working on making connections with people again. Never one of my strong suits. I've only had one friend at a time since I was a toddler. Which worked great for me as long as that friend spent a lot of time with me!

So - weekly postings. Weekly phonecalls.

Then I'll work on connections to actual live people in my town. LOL.

Fresh snow!

We have been stuck in the house for days, sick with colds/coughs/runny noses. So today I took everyone out to play in the new snow for a few minutes. We went to visit the cairn . . . it was beautiful!

This is the cemetary

We brought flowers (for the deer to eat!)

A dove for Christopher - since his middle name means peace

And a photo of Nana

We are making our cairn for everyone we want to remember - Christopher, Nana, the dogs we knew and loved, . . . the kids like it.

The EEG

I haven't felt like writing for awhile, but I have some photo's to post.

This is the little boy, getting his EEG, for the seizures he's started having.



He thinks he looks like a robot, with all the wires. Which is cool, of course!

We went in December, no new info, but we have a doctor's appointment in 2 weeks, so I might learn something then. Still having seizures, but the teachers are amazing, and he is doing fine.