Me

I went to talk to the lady who helped the Big Girl last year.

She listened, and suggested some relaxation techniques to reduce my feelings of stress. We practiced them, but I wasn't feeling too hopeful.

And I was about to leave when she gave me the last technique . . . . which included the sentence 'I love and accept myself.'

Trying to practice that totally killed me. I was feeling so bad about everything that has gone wrong in the last week, the last year, the last lifetime, that I couldn't feel anything good about me to love. Eventually I broke down, the walls protecting myself broke down, and I felt the real me - and I love who I am. I hate what I do, but I love me. I don't have to love something good about me. I just have to love me. And I have to do what is right for me, not what I think it is that a mom should do, or a wife, or anyone else. I just have to be.

I have to love myself the way I have to love my kids - love who they are, not what they do. I watch their behavior and modify the situation so that they are successful in what they do. Everyone has their own way of relating to the world.

So I am trying to reduce my feelings of stress, even though all the stress is still there, so I can think more clearly to get rid of some of the stress.

And I am thinking less of protecting myself from the situation and getting what I want, and thinking more about what I love about the situation.

And I am loving and accepting me.

I am going to plan a Winter of Love. And it starts today   :)

Asking

Ahhh well.

I seem to be at that point again.

Having to ask for help because I'm not managing.

At least I can see the signs and ask now.

The shortcut to sanity, instead of the long long looong slide into the depths.

It makes me sick to my stomach to know that I can't do it all by myself.

That I'm not managing.

That I have had a relapse - in many things, all bad.

But . . .

I will get help, and I will get better.