Summer is finally here, the sun is finally out. The kids and I are sleeping out on the balcony every night, watching the stars and the bats.
The cottonwoods are creating blizzards of white fluff 24/7. We have many trees on our property line, and the drifts are getting very big! Quite spectacular when the wind gusts.
Hubby has gone back up north to work, and is hating it - the new site is huge (10,000 people) so there is more confusion, more mix-ups. but he is sticking it out, because we are back to being beyond broke.
I need to find a job. Something completely different, but still makes money. My new "job" isn't really me - I'm not much of a salesperson. Or everyone says that I'm not, so I don't. And even if i was, I probably couldn't make much at it, not that sort of job - pyramid schemes make money for other people.
Have been thinking deep thoughts this week. Reading up on the orthodox church, which our family is joining. very comforting in some ways, like finally having all the pieces to the puzzle. But of course, now we have to start getting into what we believe. So, reading about confession, communion, repentance, the trinity, ect.
Have discovered some things about what the church believes in:
- confession and repentance are based on forgiveness - both given and accepted - and so should have lots of tolerance, both for others and the self.
- confession is not meant to be condemnation of past sins, all guilt and shame. Rather, should focus on channeling passions into good works.
- confession and repentance is meant to be worked on together, not alone.
I think if I had had something like this a few years ago, I wouldn't have gone so far into myself. Having to deal with everything by myself killed almost everything inside me. That is why it has been so hard to join life again, and taken so long.
It scares the crap out of me, thinking that I will have to talk to people about . . . stuff. I've learned from the depression courses, and my own experience, that I have to in order to progress, but it is soooooo much easier to just stay in my little solitary world. I do have to admit, it is very lonely in here though.
And i remembered my promise. A few years ago, I was in a church, and the pastor's sermon was about giving a gift to Jesus (christmas time, jesus gave us eternal life, what could we give him). I gave him my life - I promised to not take my own life, but to let him decide when i should go. And weather or not I actually believe in Jesus doesn't matter, the decision is now out of my hands. I forgot that promise for awhile, but I hope that I don't again. It makes my family feel better. I also know that sometimes the promises aren't enough, so I make sure I get help before it goes that far now.
I rejected Jesus after one of my first bad depressions. He is all about eternal life, and I did not, and still do not, want to live forever. Life is too hard. I just want it all to be over - dark, still nothingness. And yes, I've had it explained that heaven will be peaceful, no anxiety, pain, sadness, ect. And yes, it would be nice if no-one ever died. But. I'm still stuck here in my darkness. 20 years.
I guess if I can survive that long, I will survive until the end. So I might as well have fun and do something good for other people while I'm here. And maybe i will try to do it in the light. We'll see.
