hmmmm

hmmmm, i've been thinking about that last post.

You know, most of life is like that - not knowing if everything will turn out okay. Life is fragile, change happens constantly. Just read a book that has a great image . . . life is a river. you put your feet in the river, and every second the water swirls past you, changing always, never the same water. Even the blood in your feet is circulating constantly, never the same blood for more than an instant.

Our relationships, our jobs, our houses, our lives - they always change. And you can't predict if it will be for the good, life is too random.

So that means I've been coping with the possiblity of 'bad stuff happening' my whole life. And that means I will be able to cope with this, too.

All of a sudden, I feel much better. :)

Hope

I think most people expecting a baby are filled with both hope that everything will be okay, and a bit of worry that it might not.

Because we have been told over and over by the doctors that the baby will most probably have issues, but tests have come back showing that there still is some hope for our baby, we are caught.

If we knew he was not going to make it, we could plan his passing, and how to keep him in our hearts.

If we knew he was going to be okay, we could plan on life with a baby.

But we are in limbo. And its harder than i imagined it would be.

My sister phoned today with a great sale on glass baby bottles, thought i should buy some. I will buy a few, but with the knowledge that i probably won't use them. That is so sad.

The day after we got the news, i had to go through a friends baby stuff in vancouver to take what i needed before we went back home. It was very hard, thinking all the while that I would probably just be passing the crib, carseat, clothes, ect. on to someone else.

When i go to the kids school, and to work at the afterschool program, all the kids there
comment on the baby growing, hug my belly, give it kisses. It will be so hard to keep talking about it when he's gone, but I know that its important for both the kids and myself to talk
about it. I am glad though, that he can't be forgotten - too many kids know him, for him to not be talked about. Adults can 'ignore' someone who isn't there, but kids don't.

I still hope that he will be okay. But i wish that the doctors hadn't taken the joy of expecting away. I look at other pregnant moms, and envy them their happiness.

But you know, I had always thought that having to go through the morning sickness, fatigue, the labour for a still born or terminal baby would the most awful thing, all that pain for nothing.

And I will be happy to birth Christopher, and not regret a minute of this hard pregnancy. I can't wait to see him, no matter what. I think our family will benefit from him, even if we have to grieve. Mother love changes everything, doesn't it?

Baby update

Actually, not much more to update medically. Have had a few tests, they are still inconclusive, except that he doesn't have major chromosomal problems. I will get more tests done in a few weeks. By the way, these tests have to be done in Vancouver, the biggest city in our province, and a 13 hour drive away. I'm trying to find a way to fly, that isn't too expensive.

We endured over an hour of counselling about termination and palliative care, in case he turns out to have a major problem. And were warned that he probably will self-terminate suddenly. Very unsettling.

So we named him, sooner than we named any of the other 3. Since our kids are old enough to remember him, I figured they had better have a name attached to our very loved little boy (he is consantly getting kisses, hugs, and 'Love you!'s because he can hear us, you know), in case he suddenly disappears.

His middle name is Damir, which means 'to give peace'. He has given me peace of mind, if you can believe it. I have worried about whether I will ever enjoy life again, love my family again, ever live life again. Now I don't worry. I'm looking forward to the fall leaves again for the first time in 6 years.

My marriage went through a rocky period a few years ago, and I worried that I wouldn't be able to love my hubby again. The last few weeks he has been reaching out for me, and I find I can forgive him all his imperfections. I am leaving my family for a few weeks, and I already miss them - something I havn't done in many, many years. I don't have to worry that I don't love them - I do.

The last block is gone. It could just be coincidence, but I think my newest little guy helped nudge me in the right direction. And for my family, having their mother or wife back, will bring them peace.

I will have to remind myself to stay involved, to not withdraw, to not turn off. But babies are the best sort of reminder there is!

oh, we have moved into a house. It is so nice to have a kitchen, 2 bathrooms, space to run, to be noisy. Within walking distance to schools, friends.

During the last 3 weeks, the oldest broke her collar bone, we moved 2 households, the kids started a new year of school, we have been waiting on baby test results and making appointments for more tests, I started up and began transitioning out of a job, hubby was in the hospital and will be recovering for the next 2 weeks, and I am preparing the household to run without me for 2.5 weeks.

It's been a little crazy.