Tea

I am enjoying a lazy weekend morning and drinking Tazo Chai tea.

I found a little poem I wrote in the summer about my tea parties for fear ....

turtle
hands over ears
la la la la la
I can't hear you
tucked inside my shell
curled up in a fetal position

tea
holding hands
talk and smiles
hugs and snuggles
being together

tea in my fantasies
or tea in my real world

feeling better
feeling loved

Hmmmm, making anxiety beautiful? I love it!!

I ran across an article in the Nov. 2018 issue of alive about Sarah Wilson's book First, We Make the Beast Beautiful about anxiety.

I   LOVE  the cover!

I don't necessarily like how she reframes her anxiety, but I love how it says she 'bends the beast'.

And in the excerpt of her book, I like how she meditates ... how she feels her body billowing outwards, suspending her in a duvet-like cloud. How she remembers this feeling during the day- in the shower, walking, etc.

I could totally get into meditating if it involved envisioning things. One of my most successful coping skills is envisioning my fear/sadness/anxiety as guests at the Mad Hatters Tea Party.

My counselor told me not to ignore or push away my feelings, but to embrace them, hold them because all feelings are allowed. But I couldn't see myself cuddling those feelings like a baby. They were SO scary and all-consuming.

So I invited them to tea instead.

I say "Fear, I'm so glad you came. Let me give you a hug. Hold my hand, it's okay, I'm here with you. Come sit over here. This is Isolation, she is just reading her book in that cozy armchair. This is Baby, she's sucking her thumb under her blankie. ❤ She would love to sit and talk with you. I have a hot chocolate here for you, and some cookies." Then I get sadness. then I get anxiety. Then I say "Okay girls, I will leave you with the cat and the Mad Hatter now, here come the rest of the gang - calm, content, etc. You guys have fun, I have to get back to work now."

Sometimes I do this several times a day. Like they have Alzheimers and keep wandering off. "Oh dear, give me a hug. It's okay. Come back and here is a peppermint for you. let's snuggle under the blanket for a minute. Okay, I'll see you later!"

It leaves me feeling like I have just been hugged and that I am not alone to deal with it all, I have all these people at the table here with me.



photo from google/'Catch My Party'

Beauty

Time for another update!

Now that my meds have settled me down and I am no longer up until 1am every night either with Tana's schoolwork or my projects, I have been getting more sleep. Instead of sleeping right through my summer holidays or being totally wired because of anxiety, I was relaxed. Every once in awhile I stop and realise that I am not exhausted.

I did have a really rough spring anxiety-wise, and ended the summer with a few anxiety attacks, but things settled back down this fall, and now I actually experience beauty again - the first time in years. Who would have thought that beauty was an emotion, but I have learned that it is the one I miss the most when I lose myself. I think I was triggered in the spring by a conversation with a friend in which she talked about her friend who had tried to kill himself. I went for a couple of sessions with my new counsellor, who I absolutely love, and made some interesting discoveries.

Hubby is doing better this year, I managed to get him out visiting people and camping, which he really enjoyed. He is still tired all the time, but not exhausted, so its improving steadily. He has reconnected with a couple of friends and his mood is getting better.

Big Girl enjoys working, but she is casual so not a lot of work. She has been having a lot of difficulty with anxiety and mood lately, hopefully we figure it out soon.

Little Girl is enjoying her year off, even though I am getting her to do work around the house in lieu of rent. And I keep pushing for her to get a job, lol.

Little Boy is having another good year, and is reconnecting with some old friends.

So, all is well for the moment. *big sigh of relief*