The Dogs

Artemis has 13 hunting dogs, and as hunting dogs, they are well-trained and well-cared for. The Amnisades in particular look after them. 

The dogs are my emotions in the Goddess Project. I have always felt that they are out of my control, that nothing I do can control them. The safest place for me and those around me is an unemotional state. Actually accepting the emotions (not just talking about accepting them) is going to involve a new visualization. I am finally ready to do that.

All of dogs are in my acceptable zones - green, yellow and blue. All of them will be in all the zones.

My 4 green zone dogs are:

Philo (love) - the one who keeps me safe.
(Image: Tarot Mucha, The Fool card)

Thaumazo (awestruck) - when I feel beauty   
 (Image: picjumbo)

Autarkeia (contented) - the default state of content   
(Image: hectorshousecrete.org, animal rescue shelter, 'Daisy')

Chara (joyful) - happy.   
(Image: wikipedia)

My 5 yellow zone dogs are:

Agalliasis (exuberant joyfullness!) - overexcited, overstimulated.  
(Image: Manuela Kulpa)

Thumoo (angry) - anger
(Image: Toby Dog)

Strepho (changing because of remorse) - remorse   
(Image: Wikipedia)

   

Tis (what? where? why?) - anxiety
(Image: hectorshousecrete.org, animal rescue shelter, 'Chrissey')

Agon (pressured, like an athlete at the Olympics) - pressured
(Image: hectorshousecrete.org, animal rescue shelter, 'Louise')

And my 4 blue zone dogs are:

Katakeimai (laying in bed sick) - feeling sick, tired
(Image: takisshelter.org, animal rescue shelter, 'Annina')

Exaporeomai (no way out) - hopelessness     (Image: picjumbo)

Tremo (trembling from fear) - fear    (Image: picjumbo)

Klauthmos (wailing, bitter weeping from despair) - despair
(Image: hectorshousecrete.org, animal rescue shelter, 'Rolo')

My previous visualization of accepting emotions was to invite them to a tea party because I was too afraid of them to give them a hug, as the counselors always suggested. However, I could invite them to the table, introduce them to the others, give them a comfortable chair and tea and cake. But they were still at arms reach.

With cherished dogs, I can hug and cuddle them. I will be literally embracing my emotions. I can talk to them, identify the problem, how I feel, what we can do about it.  Then their friends can come and get them, because emotions are supposed to come and go, not stay forever.

I will have help with them. I can take them for walks with my friends, my family, my community. I can tell people about them, get some new perspectives, get support. I can take real walks in nature while I do this.

I can feed them positive self-talk, acceptance, positive visualizations.

I can train my hunting dogs with plans, check-ins, strategies. I can take them hunting with me - emotions are key to survival and growth. When we go hunting we will be going into a stressful situation.

I can play with my dogs by practicing while they are not escalated, by having fun with them while I practice.

"Emotions are a fast-track, inescapable source of information about how to stay safe, survive, and thrive in an ever-changing environment. Emotion is closely linked to motor activity—both are mediated by the autonomic nervous system—and is thought to motivate a behavioral response. The emotion of fear, for example, stimulates a withdrawal response without any thought required. Positive emotions include happiness, love, and pride; they foster a sense of expansion and psychological growth. Negative emotions include fear, anger, sadness, and disgust; they create discomfort as a way to warn us to attend to something important. Key components of emotional regulation are Self-awareness—noticing what you feel and being able to name it; emotional acceptance—particularly accepting the discomfort of negative emotions without judging them or taking steps to change them, and cognitive reappraisal—reframing a negative event as a more positive one. distancing—gaining perspective by looking at your situation “as a fly on the wall” can also be a useful approach." psycologytoday.com

Update: Feb. 3, 2024

The last few years I have been reading books with Shifters as characters. Many of them describe the struggle to master their beast (wolf, bear, lion, ect.). Some of the characters repress their beast, never letting them out for fear of the damage they can do. This generally kills both beast and person as they both go mad eventually. A mentor often comes along to teach them how to live together.

I was recently struck by how I am afraid to let my emotions out, and try my hardest to never let them show. Naming the dogs was a start but I need to figure out exactly how living with the dogs is going to work.

So, I'm going to have Artemis's twin brother Apollo help out. Apollo pulls the sun, Artemis pulls the moon with the magical deer pulling her chariot. Every day, as they pass each other, Apollo will help Artemis let out her dogs. A daily routine of checking in with the emotions - are they doing good? Do any of them need help? Feel each emotion every day. This will be in the Green Zone like the daily self-care things. 

And that thing where emotions come and go, like waves / clouds / water in the river? Here the dogs will run through the forest before shifting back inside Artemis. If the feelings linger, then we let them keep running and check in off and on to see if they are done yet. Apollo Lykairos is Lord of the Wolves. Both Apollo and Artemis were wolf-born (their birth is surrounded by wolf stories) and werewolf stories were common in Ancient Greece. It will be a bit like letting out the beast when I let out the emotions. 

'Apollo and Artemis, twins born of Leto and Zeus, were the divine archers of Greek mythology. They were similar in many ways — they both had a love for archery and the hunt, they were equally, highly venerated, and they often chose youthful forms to express themselves. However, they were also the opposites of one another: Apollo represented the sun and day, whereas Artemis’ domain was the night and everything touched by moonlight. The divine twins were effectively two sides of the same coin — inseparable yet different. One without the other was inconceivable.

Apollo and Artemis were the children of Leto and Zeus. Leto was a goddess primarily worshipped for her representing matrons, and she was a divine protector of the young. She was often associated with the wilderness and wolves, associations which she passed on to her daughter, Artemis. 

The symbolism of the coin with two sides was manifest in the twins’ responsibilities. In Greek mythology, Apollo and Artemis each had dominion over different parts of the cycle of day to night. Apollo was given the responsibility of raising the sun each day across the sky, from east to west. Naturally, his sister Artemis drew the moon across the sky throughout the night. As such, Apollo became associated with golden light and Artemis silver light. Overall, Artemis and Apollo worked in tandem to bring light to the world in myth.

Apollo and Artemis were often in opposition, and yet they sometimes came together in unison. Together they represent the impossibility of having one side of something without the other. Without the light, there would be no moon. Their opposites and parallels signify the duality of mankind through divine expression.' Bethany Williams, thecollector.com

Sounds like I have to accept the bad with the good. Should be interesting.

The sun wolf will be how Apollo appears to Artemis each day. Not scary. Able to play with the dogs.

Image: Hannah Kincannon.

Persephone's Staircase

The staircase ascends as the child Persephone grows up and becomes adult Persephone, Queen of the Underworld.

1. She must accept the dogs - Atremis's dogs/my emotions - as the first step, so that when she comes in to help Artemis, she doesn't shut everything down. But before I could even do this step, I first had to master Cerberus, the hound who guards the gates of Hell (my PTSD).

2. Accept and embrace the dogs/my emotions. I am using the zones of regulation to give me visuals and plans so I don't panic. I am normalizing the yellow and blue zones so they don't trigger me.

3. Connections, support - family, friends, Donna, community.

4. Chose to flourish instead of hiding. Be responsible for staying in the present. I'm not trapped in my head. I am the Queen of the Underworld and I can go where I need to.

5. Set boundaries.

6. Keep myself together in the face of anger, not always withdraw. I am worthy.

7. Voice my boundaries and opinions, and make decisions to change what is not working - not avoid everything and withdraw because it is too overwhelming. Assertive, not always keeping the peace.

Artemis's Green Journey - the next bit, continued.

I have done some research into social toolkits to see how to establish connections and just discovered CPTSD, which explains sooooo much. It will also impact all of the working parts of the journey - setting boundaries, having a voice, etc. I will be working on the connection/social piece for the next few weeks and will update this as I go. 

The UK Trauma Council has a guide called Childhood Trauma, The Brain and the Social World. Some relevant info: stress generation - the person contributes to their isolation because they have learned to respond to social situations with avoidance, which prompts others to initiate conversation less and less. Adaptations that kept the child safe affect how the brain processes social information. The threat system (fight or flight) creates hypervigilance and avoidance and therefore limits social opportunities. The reward system based on social interaction has not been reinforced so the person does not seek out interaction and does not try to follow social norms in order to make friends. The memory system makes it difficult to access memories, which we need in order to learn what works and what doesn't, and to solve problems. This also makes it harder to regulate emotions and behavior. Trust is an essential part of relationships, and is compromised, and so restricts the amount of connections as well. 

The CPTSD foundation has several good articles. This one - CPTSD and a Lack of Self-Trust - has more relevant info: The lack of the possibility of rescue from their abusers causes the child to deny and internalize their emotions which becomes a problem in adulthood. Children who are neglected or abused learn to count only on themselves and not trust those around them. Children who grow up in abusive or neglectful homes cannot rely on anyone to save or even notice them, and they always feel endangered. Behaviorally you have decreased ability to control your impulses, exhibit hyperactivity, and experience eating and sleeping difficulties. Emotionally, you lack trust in others and are reluctant to engage in relationships, plus you have difficulty asking someone else for help. Complex post-traumatic stress disorder is relational damage because your caregivers were not safe. Likely, you spend time protecting yourself by not opening up to anyone. When you were a child, your boundaries were violated repeatedly, leaving you unable or cautious to make them as an adult. Start small. Another way to empower yourself is to advocate for yourself. Recognizing what you need and want, asking for them, and standing your ground when someone denies you these things. Healthy self-trust involves being confident in oneself. If you have healthy self-trust, you will have faith in your abilities, and if you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation, you will remove yourself immediately. With a healthy self-trust, you stick to your personal standards, core values, and ethics and know when and how to put yourself first. 

This ties into some other stuff I was reading in Self-Reg, and another book called Rest Play Grow by Deborah Macnamara, based on Gordon Neufeld's approach (both parenting books I used for childcare). The second one says that a primary need of children is a secure relationship.  "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." C.S.Lweis. Must initiate a connection by inviting them into a relationship, pursuing them, holding on to them through good and bad.  Invite with a collecting ritual, work at getting their attention instincts by smiling/eye contact/closeness/touch, use food, laughter, games. brain is hardwired to need emotion for growth, it drives action, propels us to fix problems, provides us with motivation. the brain has a defense if feelings are too much to bear and they overwhelm the system, so it can carry on. it decreases the amount of emotion you feel. the threat system has you avoid attachment in anticipation of getting hurt. 

So it seems that this journey starts with an Acknowledgement of the problem (A and B), a Reminder to use my Green and Yellow Zone strategies (C, D, E), and then an Establishment of connection, starting with family (F), which is also in the Yellow Zone. 

Knowing some of the reasons that may explain why I shut down most attempts to connect means that I may be able to break this pattern as well. The first pattern is my reaction to being overwhelmed, when Persephone takes me into the underworld and I lose my connection to life. I'm changing that story. Now I have another story to change. The one that says that I will be hurt if I let anyone know what I'm thinking, what I need, what I want. I can change from not letting anyone in, to having relationships. 

During Covid I connected to my sister and a friend, last year I connected with my youngest sister, this spring I connected with my oldest daughter. The starting of these relationships has begun, and now I have to open myself to deepening them. I need to deepen my relationship with my Mom before she falls further into dementia. I need to keep my heart open with my husband, and not withdraw when the going gets tough. I need to stop putting on a cheerful fake face, and stop shutting down every attempt people make to talk to me. I need to stop panicking in every social situation. I need to start trying to make conversation and not interrupt and call people on the phone and . . . and . . . and  . . .

This seems a little overwhelming. 

Small steps. Remember - small steps.

This is the poem I wrote so many years ago, and which has not changed much at all:

To my husband

I am frigid, brittle, cold.

He throws his words at me

and they bounce off my frozen heart.

But under the ice

my tears flow freely.

To my mother-in-law

I am a closed window.

She throws her words at me

and they fall to the ground.

But behind the glass

I am shattered.

To my children

I am a cloud.

Distant, drifting, untouchable.

They throw their words to me

and the words are swallowed in the silent mist.

But inside the cloud

I am loving them.

To the rest of the world

I have locked myself away.

The world throws life at me

and I deflect it, not letting it in.

But behind my locked door

cracks are starting to appear

and I am glad to see the light

that filters in to me.