The other dimension

I must have blinked, because I'm back in the other dimension.

Yesterday, I was still recovering. Still having naps each day, no, still NEEDING naps each day.

Just starting to venture out into the world, but mostly in the place I've been for the last two months.

Today, I'm back to work fulltime. Everything there seems like it used to be. Even me.

Then I come home and wilt.

I went in to the school yesterday to ask about coming back to work part-time in Jan. I left with 2 jobs, more than fulltime, starting today.

I have said that I won't be able to do both, but I'll fill in while we sort out which job I'll end up with.

I have to learn to say no, don't I?!

Getting Out

It's been one of those months.

You know, the trying-to-get-your-energy-back type.

I am finally able to get out of the house.

For a short time each day, then I have a nap.

But its a start, and one I'm quite happy with.

My brain doesn't work that great right now, so little outings are good, LOL.

My brain seems to be in neutral. I'm still a bit light-headed and wobbly. (From that post-partum recovery, body getting back to normal thing) And it doesn't come up with anything when asked to react. No thoughts, just static.

Which is good. Because when I go out, I see babies everywhere. And all the moms in my prenatal group are pushing their new wee ones around in strollers.

And I'm not. Which logically should be okay, since I do daycare for a living, and I'm looking forward to going back to working with little ones everyday in January. So I'll get my baby fix.

I'm learning that the brains reaction to loss has nothing to do with logic.

Feelings just bubble out, with no common sense attached.

I now hold my breath everytime my hubby drives out of the driveway, because if a car hits him, he could die you know. I hold my breath when the kids run down the stairs, because they could fall and hit their head and die you know.

I'm mad at the moms that get to hear their babies gurgle, and coo, and cry, even though I would never wish that they couldn't.

I cry just because I feel sad all of a sudden, not because anything happens to make me think about it all. And I cry because everything reminds me of it.

I'm happy when I talk to someone and they don't mention it, because I'm tired of thinking about it. And then I cry because I didn't think about Christopher, and I would never wish he didn't happen, and I don't want to disrespect him by not thinking about him.

I am actually doing well. Really. I feel good, and I'm getting outside.

Life is getting back to normal.

Which is good.

Because grieving is exhausting.

What a bizarre week

The week before Hallowe'en never seemed to end.

Sunday my mom came from her home 4 hours away to look after my 3 kids for 2 days while hubby and I went to vancouver for baby tests. I'd been sick for a week because the amniotic fluid was building up, and pushing on my organs - my lungs filled up and I wasn't breathing properly, I couldn't eat much, my legs swelled alarmingly, I couldn't sleep from the pains in my chest.

The flight Monday was very turbulent, and I had major chest pains.

Tuesday we went in to the hospital for tests, and they discovered that Christopher had already passed away - sunday or monday, i guess. I had to decide if we were going to have the baby that night in vancouver, or take our flight home the next day and have the baby in our hometown (I really wanted the kids to have a chance to see him.) The hospital in our town couldn't take me for a few days, and hubby and family really didn't think they could take the stress for another week, so I decided to have the baby in vancouver.

The birth was amazing, so like all my others. Christopher was put immediately on my chest, just like the others. I cooed over his little hands and feet, exclaimed over how much he looked like his dad, was proud of how big he was, just like the others.

I spent the whole day waiting for the moment when he would taken away for the autopsy. I hadn't quite realized that he would be gone forever until then. But we were able to get a photographer to come from 'Now i lay me down to sleep', and we made foot and handprints. So we have some mementos to show the kids.

The next two days were spent in Easter Seal House, waiting for a flight home. And my hubby got a call from his boss - don't come back to work, you've just had your contract cancelled because some clients are upset that you are not available. Ummm, aren't you supposed to be covering for him?!?!?!?! So now neither of us have a job.

And to top it off, there was a mistake with our flight home. We got to the airport, expecting to arrive home just in time to go trick-or-treating with the kids, but our flight had already left. So we ended up in a hotel for another night. By the time we got finally got home, my mom was exhausted, my oldest was a mess of nerves, and the younger two were so relieved to see us they clamped onto me and didn't let go for hours.

We are just savoring being together right now.

Christopher

October 28th.

Stillborn.

That's all I can write for now.