Snow

A poem I wrote years ago . . . . .

Snow day.
Kids outside.
Snowmen, snowballs,
Snow in boots, in mitts, in mouths.
Laughing faces.
Red cheeks and noses.
Wet hair.
Cold kisses.

. . . . . I love winter. The snow is so beautiful, the way it reflects the light - everything is bright and sparkly. The snow squeaks and crunches as you walk, the snowflakes fill up my heart. We are starting a new winter tradition since the kids are too old to enjoy the young christmas traditions - a trip to our timeshare. Everyone is loving it so far, this is the second year - skiing, hot springs, dinners out (which we never usually do), TV (we have no cable at home), a trip to the special candy store, even a trip to church which only I enjoyed (I had always wanted to see another orthodox church and listen to the choir.) So glad we like doing winter things in the winter. Winter is something so precious.

Water

Well, I have started swimming 2 times a week.

And I have to say - it's amazing!

I have never been comfortable in the water because I am a weak swimmer, and I always get too cold too fast.

Once in awhile I would go to the pool with my kids when they were small, but I would hurt my back/neck, and be embarrassed about how i looked in my swim suit, and I would FREEZE.

Once in a great while I will swim a little bit in a lake in the summer, but usually its too cold for me here in Canada.

And I have never had the money to spend to go to the pool regularly.

But

Since my new priority is self-care, and I need to exercise for both mental and physical health concerns, I have started going to aquafit classes.

I just tried the deep water aquafit. We wear life belts to help support us in the water while doing the exercises. And the feeling of being in deep water is wonderful! I don't get too cold because I am working so hard, and I am not scared because of the life belt.

So, Hubby and I decided to go to a relatively nearby hot spot this summer, and just relax on the beaches and swim. FOR  10  DAYS! Wow. I am so happy  :)

Lightbulb

The classic hallelujah lightbulb moment - the arms go up, music plays 'laaaaaaaaa'.

Someone got it.

Finally, I managed to get someone to understand. Well, the first step of understanding, but the first step is the most important because without that first glimmer of understanding, there is no forward movement.

And it was Hubby.

He saves me again. After so much anguish trying to get him to see. Finally. I love that guy.  :)

I have been trying to tell him I needed us to be a team, that I can't be fighting him for everything. He would get so frustrated with me, not understanding what I was asking, saying 'I'm trying!!'. And I could see how hard he was trying. But it wasn't what I needed. I didn't know what I needed, other than for us to be working together instead of me nagging/ him dragging.

Then we were talking about tattoos. Big Girl turned 19 this year, and we are getting tattoos to celebrate. She has gotten hers, its mountains and sky. He is getting LOYALTY and some stuff to go with it. He feels like family is the most important thing to him, and he feels like he let us down, and last year he almost lost us. He is now super committed to us. Poor guy. He rocks  :)

And I told him my tattoo was a bracelet that says courage. I told him the story of the boat, and that it takes so much courage for me to keep going every day, like the guy who had to get in the boat every night and have faith that he would make it across. That i have to get in that boat everyday. I told him that what i meant by team was for him to be in the boat with me. So that i didn't have to make that journey alone all the time.

And he got it. Well, enough that we can go to the next step.

But ...... he got it!!!!!!

And I think I will have the courage to speak my words aloud to my counsellor, who hasn't been helpful at all but maybe if I say the words, we can get somewhere.

My words.

I have depression and anxiety. I struggle every day. I feel alone to deal with everything in my life - my issues, my kids issues, finances, my job. I don't tell anyone because when I am in the midst of it, its all I can do to get through the next second, the next minute, the next hour. When I can breathe again, I talk, but I can't say too much - they could take my kids away, I could lose my job. It's a secret that has almost killed me, again and again. And I didn't understand what it was, only that it took over my life.

When the little guy crashed last year, I read everything I could find. I didn't care about me, I didn't want to live anyway, but when it hit him - well, that changed everything. I learned so much.

And I was determined that it wouldn't get us. I have tried to ensure that everyone is safe, that we have supports. We haven't gotten too far, but I keep trying. I have courage, I keep going every day, even when it seems impossible. Somehow, I keep reaching down deep and finding a way to keep fighting, everyday.

But its such a relief that I don't have to fight Hubby as much anymore. That I have one less fight every day.

That I can say those words out loud.