stomach flip-flops

well, daughter #1 has just had her tonsils and adnoids out, and is in recovery and doing well.

good thing her dad went with her, because I'm practically passing out, LOL! I used to be able handle blood and accidents no problem, but the last few years I've slowly been getting worse and worse. Probably because I'm thinking about my poor little babies. I feel so silly.

My medication is working, and its not the zombie med. this time. I'm back in the real world, not floating away on the edges, drowning in anxiety and sadness. I still have feelings, and I can look forward to the day. I wish I could manage on my own, but I'm glad I have a backup for when I don't.

Hubby has been accepted into his course, so he will be gone for 3 months soon. Not sure how we will survive, but we will get through it, we always do. both our parents have offered to help with money, and looking after kids, and food. those are the 3 main things.

so at the moment, life is highway - fairly safe to walk along, room for family and friends, moving forward. not the usual barely visible line, with me dangling desperately below it by my fingertips. so I guess I'm still 'getting a life' afterall.

The sun is out

After 2 weeks of rain, the sun is out. We went for a hike on nearby sunflower hill. Glorious!

And I feel better too. I think I have been caught up in anticipation anxiety - I stress about what will happen, but the actual things aren't that bad at all. Hubby and I survived our weekend of figuring out what to do about the summer. A few days of intense stress, and now we're good.

I will try hard to remember that, as Tana's tonsil and adnoid surgery approaches, and I am already freaking out.

one day at a time? not me - i need to plan ahead, be prepared. but . . . one THING at a time - I can do that. summer planning is started, i can let it go for now. i will prep for the surgery, make sure i have freezies and ice-cream, then i will worry about the summer again.

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Depression is so insidious. I always think I am doing okay, that I'm stressed but coping. Then I find out that I'm totally not. I remember when daughter #1 was a baby, I was convinced that she wasn't eating enough, taking her to the doctors. Looking back at her pictures, she is the chubbiest little thing - but I didn't see it. I remember seriously looking at all sides of a decision, consiously choosing the best option . . . and later realizing that the things i was thinking about wern't even there, i was living in my own little world.

Now that i'm taking the medication again, i can see how it had started again. I was starting to sit in a room full of people and feel like i was in a bubble, not connected to anything. it is the warning sign for me - whenever i no longer feel like a part of anything, that i'm floating on the edges, that's when i start to go off the edge big time. further and further from reality. more and more anxiety.

i had thought that my new coping skills, and knowing what to look for, would keep me out of trouble. scary to realize that if i wasn't forced into it, i still wouldn't have done anything about it. maybe next time i will catch it. each time i learn something, i guess.

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Anyway, things are looking up. We found a way to survive the summer, and we are feeling better!