Step 1, con't

Note: some changes made in August with Persephone.

So, I spent a couple of days on The Roadmap to Self-regulation at autismspeaks, which really got me thinking about sensory issues and giving myself a sensory break when needed, but I wasn't sure how to put it into practice.

I've now found the 4 Zones of Regulation (which I had used before in the childcare field) and the 5-point scale of self-regulation. 

Color-coded zones with visual cues feels really doable for me. I'm thinking of doing a rainbow scale in this tree:

The scale would go something like this:

Level 5. Red -  Artemis outburst, destruction, regret, guilt, shame, consequences. Hecate, a friend and cousin to Artemis, keeps a safe place (in the house or a plan for when out and about) where Artemis can rage safely. Hecate and her dogs guard the boundaries and prevent anything from getting past them, for the safety and comfort of Artemis and others. A change from something to fear to somewhere protected and safe.

Red Image: etsy, medusa

Hecate Image: Carolina Mylius, cover art for book Duesas Negras by Eddie Van Feu.

Level 4. Orange -  Artemis is overwhelmed, Kali steps in to force me to deal with the problem. This picture of Kali shows her riding a lion, a symbol of power and anger, something that she can help control. Shiva, her consort, is under her foot. Kali had been rampaging out of control, finally he put himself in her way. She started to calm down once she noticed that she was hurting him, her tongue is out as an expression of her embarrassment and remorse. Kali's presence means she is forcing me to face what is happening and to do something about it, instead of ignoring it. The more I ignored Artemis's struggles, the more desperate I became and I made desperate decisions. Ignoring her distress hurt me and everyone around me. 

Kali Image: internet

Artemis Image: Tammy Wagner, etsy.com. Check out her work, it is amazing!!

Level 3. Yellow - Artemis Struggles, Adult Persephone comes in to help. In mythology, Artemis and Persephone are besties. Here, they support each other to help me deal with stress. Artemis is not left alone and ignored while she struggles to control the dogs. Strategies are implemented, this time they include lots of de-escalation techniques at this early level, instead of waiting until I'm overwhelmed.

Image: sisterhood, pamela mathews, grail.co.nz

Level 2. Green - Artemis living her best life. Doing self care, in control of the dogs (emotions), connected with others, social, healthy. Independent, confident, helpful.

Image: internet

Level 1. light greenish blue - sick, tired, etc. Adult Persephone, Artemis together. Artemis comes in to help out her friend Persephone. To be with her, make sure she is doing her self-care and getting rest.

Image: Elena Kukanova

Level 0. Navy blue - Persephone in the underworld, disengaged. This time, she is not dragged there screaming, in terror at being trapped. She is not there to wrest control away from Artemis, as Artemis destroys their world. She is there to stay safe, and to use the down time to think. As Queen of the Underworld, she can come back whenever she wants to. As Queen, she masters her fears (Cerberus) and is not trapped behind the gates of Hell. Mahadevi Kali is here to keep Persephone safe, remind her not to ignore Artemis, and to remind her that she has mastery over my fears. This is not a place to fear, it is a place to be safe and rest before heading back into the struggle.

Persephone

Level minus 1. Deep Purple - Click on the link under the picture of Persephone. Persephone has given up. But as Queen of the Underworld, she will not truly die. As she recovers, Hecate, a friend and cousin, has come to be with her and will guide her out of Hell when she is ready. This is no longer a place to fear, but a place with love, support, and time to heal. 

'Be comforted, for I have come to guide you through the dark.' says Hecate.

Hecate Image: Iren Horrors, https://www.deviantart.com/irenhorrors/art/Hecate-848171076

Persephone Image: Mary Metzger

I have had another appointment with Donna, and we talked about how I would hang by fingertips, trying desperately to hang on, to not drown in the pit. She suggested that I gently let go and come to rest in a good place, not a scary place. So as you can see above, I am changing my internal story from one of fear, to one of comfort and safety and rest.

Now to fill in the blanks - what will I do in each of the rainbow zones?

Step 1

 Step 1: Accept the Dogs

The staircase ascends as the child Persephone grows up and becomes adult Persephone, Queen of the Underworld.

She must accept the dogs - Atremis's dogs/my emotions - as her first step, so that when she comes in to help Artemis, she doesn't shut everything down.

And because my coping skills are like a preschooler's, Persephone really does act like a child. She is afraid of dogs and avoids them at any cost. 

She needs to be comfortable with emotions because the emotions are the overwhelm which dumps me into Hell. Once she is comfortable, she can tolerate them and carry on with her life instead of running away from them all the time.

- Using the formula in the previous post, my past coping strategies were:

A. Ignore, B. Avoid, C. Self-soothe, D. Shut down

- The internal beliefs associated with these strategies were:

A. I have too many responsibilities to stop doing them, I can't change anything and must be rescued by someone else, I'm too afraid to deal with it, these emotions are not acceptable, my issues are so much less than others like poverty and abuse, and everyone else is coping so I should be able to do it too.

B. I'm afraid of my own reactions and the consequences / it's too much to bear

C. make lists, read everything about it, try lots of strategies (body check-in, etc), I'm doing something about it, I'm trying my best, I'm asking for help from professionals (although I'm not telling them everything)

D. it's too much to bear, it's too much for anyone else, no one can help, they are not acceptable, so tightly under control that nothing escapes, can't have any reactions or consequences because the consequences are too high.

- Were any of them effective? 

C. was somewhat effective. B. Avoid was effective as a child but not any longer. D. Shut down was a way to endure but is no longer effective.

- What could be more effective strategies?

1. Not wait to be rescued.  Have a plan in advance with realistic boundaries.

2. it is okay to do less. it is okay to have these feelings.

3. Stay connected so not doing it alone. Be transparent so not hidden.

Hmmmm, now where do I go from here?

Image: Waltz Nightmare Dogs (Waltz with Bashir, Folman,2005), no changes, https://www.researchgate.net/figure/Waltz-Nightmare-Dogs-Waltz-with-Bashir-Folman-2005_fig3_326965298

Mastering Cerberus

Cerberus guards the gates of Hell, and blocks Persephone from leaving. 

Cerberus represents my fear. My terror of the overwhelm that seemed to keep coming out of nowhere, over and over, has kept me prisoner for so long. My inability to fix it, my terror that I might not be able to hang on, rules my life. When I get triggered, the overwhelm comes soon after, as I spiral down and down into Hell. Every time I have tried to figure out what is happening, it has pushed me under.

Finding out the pattern of avoidance has done a lot to ease my fears. I'm hoping that knowing the pattern will keep me safe. I won't be waiting for the unknown monster to leap out and grab me. I will know what is happening and will be able to walk out of Hell instead of being trapped, waiting for someone to rescue me, knowing that no one ever does.

Darlene Lancer wrote the following in Psychology Today ( I have taken bits and pieces from her article that relate to this post):

You know you are being triggered when you overreact way more than the situation calls for. Triggers are wounds from your past, and the more wounds you have and the weaker your boundaries, the more reactive you are. Primary triggers are internal dysfunctional beliefs and we measure ourselves against dysfunctional internal standards. Dysfunction is easy to see in others, but because we believe our perceptions to be accurate, it is very hard to see anything wrong with ourselves. 

Healing Our Triggers:

1. identify what triggers you and the internal beliefs attached to them. They are wounds so approach with compassion and tenderness.

2. Identify the style of reacting (attack, withdraw). learn to detach, not react. evaluate the function of the behavior and its effectiveness. Experiment with more productive responses.

Healing may include stages of grief.

Anger covers hurt and vulnerability.

Intact boundaries and self-esteem prevents you from being sucked in, helps you tolerate different opinions and negative feelings, and gives you time to think before automatically reacting.

So, using that information, my trigger was thoughts of being pulled under by an unkown monster. The internal belief was that I could not fight the monster. My style of reacting was avoidance. It protected me when I was a child but is no longer keeping me safe. 

I feel like I am ready to work on this. It is not an unkown anymore and I am not alone.

I am re-writing my story to have Kali and Artemis and Persephone help me set healthy boundaries, and to make the changes I need to when I get overwhelmed.

What can I do if I fall back into the fear? Something that is more helpful than ignoring it?

Chamunda will remind me that I can master my fear.

Persephone will remind me that I can walk out of Hell, I'm no longer trapped.

Artemis will remind me that she is ready to kick ass.

And I will open the gates of Hell to take that first step.

June Full Moon Reading

 I absolutely love how much my readings seem to be connected. I know that you can find the meaning you need in every card, but they spark the connections for me and put the puzzle pieces in place.

This moon is usually the first moon of summer, but this year it is early June, and so it is the last moon of the Spring season. 

Full moons are the culmination, the ending of what has been going on this month.

My first card of the 3 card spread is 'What is left for me to let go of this season?' I used the Kali Oracle, as Kali is the cycle of life - she destroys/composts in order to bring forth new life. I pulled this one just before the full moon, as it was reaching it's culmination.

The card I pulled was Kurukulla one of the Red Taras. She bestows the ability to remain open, to not avoid things, and to set effective boundaries. She carries a bow and arrow, and her arrow hits the mark. She helps us gain clarity, clear out the distractions, and get rid of strategies that are not helping. She tells us not to hold onto something out of fear, to let it go when it is time. 

The next line says she does not like clutter. Ouch. That really hit the mark. I managed to get a good start on my hoarder house this winter but have not done anything since April since I have been working in the garden. I have a huge amount of daycare stuff and haven't got rid of anything, despite closing my daycare almost 2 years ago. 

It is time to get rid of it I guess. My family is soooo ready since it is piled up in our main living space. Piles and piles and piles.

Artemis is the hunter and uses a bow and arrow. She is the goddess of getting things done. They can work together to get me moving, lol.

This full moon rises in the house of Sagittarius, ruled by lucky Jupiter. It's energy is social, extraverted, active. Jupiter's luck gives whatever you do some extra support from the universe.

My second card of the three-card spread is 'Where should I direct that energy?' I used the Earth Alchemy Oracle cards, as they deal mostly with energy. I pulled this one right at the time of the full moon.

The card I drew was reversed Fulgurite and Rosebay Willowherb. Fulgurite is formed when lightning hits the sand, and it's energy supports rapid transformation. As it is reversed, it's energy is slowed down but still helps let go of outdated systems and old habits. This lightning struck exactly at the full moon.

For more info about Fulgurite, check out this link below:

Fulgurite

Rosebay Willowherb is another name for Fireweed (interestingly, June's full moon is also called the Rose Moon, and our roses just started blooming). Fireweed is also connected to change and thunderstorms, but it's regeneration is reversed to signify destruction.

Another card that supports the theory that I should direct my energy towards getting rid of my daycare stuff.

June's moon is also called the Strawberry Moon. Because it is early this year, instead of representing the abundance and fulfillment of the berries, it is representing the blossoms that we have now - you are starting to see the returns of your investments - either with prosperity or accomplishment.

My third card of the three-card spread is 'Where should I look for prosperity?'  I used my  Wild Wisdom Oracle Cards, as they are focused on the cycles of the seasons. I pulled this one as the moon rose.

The card I drew was The Mermaid, Early Autumn. Autumn is a time of letting go, for example, the trees let go of their leaves. The Mermaid flows with the rhythms of the tides and the movements of the moon. In order to follow the mermaid into the depths, you must give up the land. She asks us to trust our intuition.

So another card with a theme of moons and of letting go. 

Last night the moon rose while it was still light. It was pale pink, almost invisible. 

This night it rose super bright yellow-gold, the color of the mermaid's tail. As I watched it rise, the sky grew dark. Where I am, I look across the valley and the moon rises from behind the mountains. The trees were perfectly silhouetted in the half-circle of the moon. As the Earth turned, and the moon rose, it followed the rise of the mountain. It peaked over the edge, slowly moving up the incline, so slowly, like molten light oozing across the ground, like slow lightning. It didn't finally come over the horizon for almost an hour.

A perfect representation of the blossom moon - starting to see the results of your endeavor, slowly coming into fruition. 

I then had a moon bath as I lay in bed, the moonlight streaming through my window, watching the Earth turn as I fell asleep.

One of the most magical experiences I have had during a full moon reading.

Perhaps I will look to magic for prosperity. Or perhaps I am starting to see the results of a project I am doing. The only project I am working on right now is my Goddess Story project. So perhaps it refers to both of those things.

The Staircase

 Step 1: Accept the Dogs

The staircase ascends as the child Persephone grows up and becomes adult Persephone, Queen of the Underworld.

She must accept the dogs - Atremis's dogs/my emotions - as her first step, so that when she comes in to help Artemis, she doesn't shut everything down.

But before she can even work on accepting Artemis's dogs, she must get past Cerberus, who guards the gates of Hell and prevents her from taking the first step.  

Cerberus represents my PTSD and it freezes her in place.

Persephone has lived with trauma, loss, grief, pain, and anguish. She is the goddess who goes into the dark depths of mental illness and she must step out of her comfort zone in order move forward.

I have been in such terror of my overwhelm that I was frozen for most of my life.

So I have added Kali to my personal inner goddesses. 

She is fierce, pushes you to do what needs to be done, a warrior, a protector. When you are stuck, when you don't want to do the hard thing or end a negative situation, she tells you to rip the bandaid off. She causes pain, but then healing can begin. She is the liberator.

She encourages you to not fear the pain but to find the courage to move through it. Not to endure and endure until you collapse in an exhausted heap, but to walk the hard path, straight uphill, with pauses to catch your breath. 

She is also a creator, the cosmic mother who created everything. She is the mama bear, she will do anything to protect her children.

To me, she is the one who is strong enough to deal with my dark thoughts, my overwhelm. She will fight beside me, and remind me that I am just as strong as she is. I was so afraid of my overwhelm, that I thought I could do nothing. Kali reminds me that I am strong. She pushes me to deal with my crap, not ignore it. 

She is also the strong mother that can protect me. My mother was not able to protect me, but Kali is strong enough for all of us. She will keep me safe in the fight ahead.

I have the Kali Oracle Cards, and use them when I need her strength and protection. 

She has already helped change my inner story to one of girl-power, not fear and weakness. When someone sets off my sadness, I try to remember that I am strong, that I have a whole team of strong goddesses in me, I am not alone. That I am fine, that I don't need to fall into old patterns, that I don't need to be intimidated.

Chamunda is the aspect of Kali that I am putting in this part of Step 1. She lives in the cremation grounds and is associated with death. She is the crone aspect of the 7 Matrikas or 7 Mothers. She is the eater of children and keeps them safe. She is surrounded by dogs and rides a dhole (an Indian wild dog). She symbolizes the gaining of power and the mastery of that power. She teaches you to not fear masculine energy and to not accept it when it is used negatively (intimidation, aggression, ect.)

Chamunda has the strength to help Persephone master Cerberus. She can push Persephone to face her fears and take the first steps to leave Hell. 

Having discovered the pattern that dumps me into Hell repeatedly, I don't feel as scared that the overwhelm will come out of nowhere. I know that I'm not alone. I have gained some mastery over that fear already. 

I think I may end up back here if I get scared, but I will come up with a plan for if that happens. That is the mastery part. I can control my reaction.

Kali Image from bhagwankiphoto.com

Dandelion Fluff

A poem I wrote a long time ago, with new additions. 

Dandelions are my favorite flower and my symbol of resiliency.

For my Mom, for my Dad, for me. 

A mind like dandelion fluffs,

thoughts floating,

taken by the wind

to far-distant shores.

When I try to catch a thought,

it swirls away

from my finger-tips,

leading me through meadows

where my passing

stirs up other thoughts

to swirl away

on the wind.

I spin,

trying to catch

more dandelion fluffs,

more thoughts.

Some I hold for a while,

cupped in my hands,

entranced with their fragile beauty

and amazed at how the seeds

transform into something new,

amazed at how many memories 

are inside the seeds,

just waiting to be seen.

I spin,

trying to catch

dandelion fluffs,

until I fall, dizzy,

into the grass,

and watch as the dandelion fluffs

float away from my hands

and into the sky.

I watch as my thoughts

disappear on the wind,

as my memories float away.

 

I know that

dandelions can grow anywhere,

and that dandelions will always

take root somewhere.

I know that

dandelions are little bits of sunshine,

growing in the meadows

of my mind.

 

I know that

one day I will come across them again

in a meadow,

and I will cup those memories

in my hands for a time.

And when my thoughts turn to fluff

and blow away,

I know that they will take root

in a meadow somewhere

and I will see them again.