Seeing the end.

Well.

I think I may have Parkinson's on top of the CMT.

Hopefully all the signs can be chalked up to something else.

I was not upset to get CMT. It is inconvenient but bearable.

Apparently, Parkinson's swallows you with dementia. I will lose my smile. My sense of humor. Myself.

That is very scary.

I have to do more reading, maybe it's not all bad.

I hope.

Tea

I am enjoying a lazy weekend morning and drinking Tazo Chai tea.

I found a little poem I wrote in the summer about my tea parties for fear ....

turtle
hands over ears
la la la la la
I can't hear you
tucked inside my shell
curled up in a fetal position

tea
holding hands
talk and smiles
hugs and snuggles
being together

tea in my fantasies
or tea in my real world

feeling better
feeling loved

Hmmmm, making anxiety beautiful? I love it!!

I ran across an article in the Nov. 2018 issue of alive about Sarah Wilson's book First, We Make the Beast Beautiful about anxiety.

I   LOVE  the cover!

I don't necessarily like how she reframes her anxiety, but I love how it says she 'bends the beast'.

And in the excerpt of her book, I like how she meditates ... how she feels her body billowing outwards, suspending her in a duvet-like cloud. How she remembers this feeling during the day- in the shower, walking, etc.

I could totally get into meditating if it involved envisioning things. One of my most successful coping skills is envisioning my fear/sadness/anxiety as guests at the Mad Hatters Tea Party.

My counselor told me not to ignore or push away my feelings, but to embrace them, hold them because all feelings are allowed. But I couldn't see myself cuddling those feelings like a baby. They were SO scary and all-consuming.

So I invited them to tea instead.

I say "Fear, I'm so glad you came. Let me give you a hug. Hold my hand, it's okay, I'm here with you. Come sit over here. This is Isolation, she is just reading her book in that cozy armchair. This is Baby, she's sucking her thumb under her blankie. ❤ She would love to sit and talk with you. I have a hot chocolate here for you, and some cookies." Then I get sadness. then I get anxiety. Then I say "Okay girls, I will leave you with the cat and the Mad Hatter now, here come the rest of the gang - calm, content, etc. You guys have fun, I have to get back to work now."

Sometimes I do this several times a day. Like they have Alzheimers and keep wandering off. "Oh dear, give me a hug. It's okay. Come back and here is a peppermint for you. let's snuggle under the blanket for a minute. Okay, I'll see you later!"

It leaves me feeling like I have just been hugged and that I am not alone to deal with it all, I have all these people at the table here with me.



photo from google/'Catch My Party'

Beauty

Time for another update!

Now that my meds have settled me down and I am no longer up until 1am every night either with Tana's schoolwork or my projects, I have been getting more sleep. Instead of sleeping right through my summer holidays or being totally wired because of anxiety, I was relaxed. Every once in awhile I stop and realise that I am not exhausted.

I did have a really rough spring anxiety-wise, and ended the summer with a few anxiety attacks, but things settled back down this fall, and now I actually experience beauty again - the first time in years. Who would have thought that beauty was an emotion, but I have learned that it is the one I miss the most when I lose myself. I think I was triggered in the spring by a conversation with a friend in which she talked about her friend who had tried to kill himself. I went for a couple of sessions with my new counsellor, who I absolutely love, and made some interesting discoveries.

Hubby is doing better this year, I managed to get him out visiting people and camping, which he really enjoyed. He is still tired all the time, but not exhausted, so its improving steadily. He has reconnected with a couple of friends and his mood is getting better.

Big Girl enjoys working, but she is casual so not a lot of work. She has been having a lot of difficulty with anxiety and mood lately, hopefully we figure it out soon.

Little Girl is enjoying her year off, even though I am getting her to do work around the house in lieu of rent. And I keep pushing for her to get a job, lol.

Little Boy is having another good year, and is reconnecting with some old friends.

So, all is well for the moment. *big sigh of relief*

Update

Deciding to write 2 positive posts for every complaining post was too daunting obviously.

Also, I totally bit it just after the last post. A med increase has really helped. Both of my professional supports ditched me - they got tired of me saying that I couldn't seem to get anything done or spend any time with my family or feel less depressed/anxious. And that I thought the problem could be helped if I just found the right thing that worked instead of accepting that life has ups and downs and I shouldn't expect to be happy all the time. Whatever. I would be satisfied with connected and productive.

I am definately better than last year, I have gotten some stuff done and actually have done some sorting - I still have several areas that look like a hoarders house, but I'm learning to get rid of the areas so I can't pile stuff there. Doesn't help much for things like the bedroom, can't get rid of that.

Work was terribly hard the last few years, I am trying hard to limit the number of kids I have and to let go of ones that are too fractious. I have just reached the end of a year of tons of work with planning, so I am REALLY hoping I can stop myself from starting numerous projects every month. Then I could finish the hundreds I have lying around unfinished.

I really want to spend some time with the kids so I hope I can force myself to follow through with card game nites, going to vespers then McDonalds together once a month, and hanging out with them a bit so they know that I know what they like.

They have grown so much in the last year. Little boy is now as tall as his sisters, has a deep voice, has broadened out in the shoulders/hips/face/..... It's like watching a plant grow he is changing so fast. He loves highschool, has lots of friends, is loving the 'adult' thing (we buy him manly shampoo and he actually needs to trim his mustache!!! so I bought him a grooming kit, lol), and his anxiety and tics are almost non-existent.

Little girl graduates in a couple months. She and all of her friends have decided to take a gap year and hang out/work.

Big girl made it through her course and graduated a week ago - lots and lots of work but she did it!! She also stayed in the dorms which was challenging, but she made it through. A big blow up at the college the last week of her first semester with the instructors, mostly caused by my meddling. They made her come into their office without a parent (we were told that we could attend the meeting), falsly accused her of threatening them, and wouldn't let her leave when she started to have a panic attack. She ended up in First aid with Oxygen, then they said that they would fail her because she can't be having panic attacks whenever she encounters critism at work. Hubby was able to talk with them the same day in a very calm but firm way - I am soooo impressed with him - and I sent an apologetic letter for sticking my nose in - and things were sorted out. No problems after that. I was expecting second semester to be a fight, but it wasn't. She really stuck it out and tried her best and it paid off.

Hubby had the worst year of his life - broken bones, constant sickness (shingles, flu), and a neck/arm injury. He worked through most of it, then hit the wall and took a month and a half off on his own dime in December. He's starting to feel better but its a slog.

 He has been wonderful about supporting me, I am going to try to repay the favor. My anxiety keeps kicking in and then I am nit-picky and oppositional. Working on it though.

Well, thats the update for now.