things that stop me cold:
1. my 11 year old son saying that he can't face living any longer this way. that he only keeps going because his mom would miss him too much.
that is what i use to say to myself, that I am only here because my mom would miss me - and now i am here for my hubby and kids and mom. it broke my heart to hear him with the same feelings. to think of how his life could be full of stress and sorrow and angst. that the future is not met with excitement but dread.
2. my 19 year old will be tested next month for fetal alcohol syndrome.
I did this to her.
her messed up life, her heart break that she is not like the others, her fear that she won't be independent.
it was an accident, i didn't know i was pregnant with her. that makes it better, but not really.
i haven't been able to get this sorted out. she is still struggling. i wasn't able to fix things earlier, when she was struggling in elementary, in middle school, in highschool. it was my job, my responsibility to take care of her. and i didn't and i couldn't.
on the bright side, i have always ALWAYS tried my absolute best. I have been a good parent - involved, competent, dependable. I have tried my best to get the help they needed.
right now though, it just seems like i failed them.
i was asking myself this morning - how can i go on? how can i get up everyday, and do the same things as always, knowing that i have failed my kids? that i am a bad mom?
after awhile, i thought of something my mom had said when i was a young adult. I had brought up something from childhood, and she got teary and said she couldn't think about when we were young without crying because she felt so bad at all the things she had done wrong. I thought that was crazy, like crying over grey hair - totally expected, and we didn't hate her for it, in fact we loved her despite it.
i always remembered that comment, and how i felt about it. it kept me going this morning. i have talked with my kids before whenever i screwed up, and they always say they love me anyway, and they know i love them. the 19 yr old knows about the F.A., and says she appreciates how hard i have tried in taking care of her - she knows that she is a handful. the little boy knows absolutely that i love him and the rest of the family. so even tho i feel like i have failed, they don't.
that is what keeps me going.
that is how i can get up in the morning and keep on working so hard.
love will save me.
it always has, and it always will.
