Snow

A poem I wrote years ago . . . . .

Snow day.
Kids outside.
Snowmen, snowballs,
Snow in boots, in mitts, in mouths.
Laughing faces.
Red cheeks and noses.
Wet hair.
Cold kisses.

. . . . . I love winter. The snow is so beautiful, the way it reflects the light - everything is bright and sparkly. The snow squeaks and crunches as you walk, the snowflakes fill up my heart. We are starting a new winter tradition since the kids are too old to enjoy the young christmas traditions - a trip to our timeshare. Everyone is loving it so far, this is the second year - skiing, hot springs, dinners out (which we never usually do), TV (we have no cable at home), a trip to the special candy store, even a trip to church which only I enjoyed (I had always wanted to see another orthodox church and listen to the choir.) So glad we like doing winter things in the winter. Winter is something so precious.

Water

Well, I have started swimming 2 times a week.

And I have to say - it's amazing!

I have never been comfortable in the water because I am a weak swimmer, and I always get too cold too fast.

Once in awhile I would go to the pool with my kids when they were small, but I would hurt my back/neck, and be embarrassed about how i looked in my swim suit, and I would FREEZE.

Once in a great while I will swim a little bit in a lake in the summer, but usually its too cold for me here in Canada.

And I have never had the money to spend to go to the pool regularly.

But

Since my new priority is self-care, and I need to exercise for both mental and physical health concerns, I have started going to aquafit classes.

I just tried the deep water aquafit. We wear life belts to help support us in the water while doing the exercises. And the feeling of being in deep water is wonderful! I don't get too cold because I am working so hard, and I am not scared because of the life belt.

So, Hubby and I decided to go to a relatively nearby hot spot this summer, and just relax on the beaches and swim. FOR  10  DAYS! Wow. I am so happy  :)

Lightbulb

The classic hallelujah lightbulb moment - the arms go up, music plays 'laaaaaaaaa'.

Someone got it.

Finally, I managed to get someone to understand. Well, the first step of understanding, but the first step is the most important because without that first glimmer of understanding, there is no forward movement.

And it was Hubby.

He saves me again. After so much anguish trying to get him to see. Finally. I love that guy.  :)

I have been trying to tell him I needed us to be a team, that I can't be fighting him for everything. He would get so frustrated with me, not understanding what I was asking, saying 'I'm trying!!'. And I could see how hard he was trying. But it wasn't what I needed. I didn't know what I needed, other than for us to be working together instead of me nagging/ him dragging.

Then we were talking about tattoos. Big Girl turned 19 this year, and we are getting tattoos to celebrate. She has gotten hers, its mountains and sky. He is getting LOYALTY and some stuff to go with it. He feels like family is the most important thing to him, and he feels like he let us down, and last year he almost lost us. He is now super committed to us. Poor guy. He rocks  :)

And I told him my tattoo was a bracelet that says courage. I told him the story of the boat, and that it takes so much courage for me to keep going every day, like the guy who had to get in the boat every night and have faith that he would make it across. That i have to get in that boat everyday. I told him that what i meant by team was for him to be in the boat with me. So that i didn't have to make that journey alone all the time.

And he got it. Well, enough that we can go to the next step.

But ...... he got it!!!!!!

And I think I will have the courage to speak my words aloud to my counsellor, who hasn't been helpful at all but maybe if I say the words, we can get somewhere.

My words.

I have depression and anxiety. I struggle every day. I feel alone to deal with everything in my life - my issues, my kids issues, finances, my job. I don't tell anyone because when I am in the midst of it, its all I can do to get through the next second, the next minute, the next hour. When I can breathe again, I talk, but I can't say too much - they could take my kids away, I could lose my job. It's a secret that has almost killed me, again and again. And I didn't understand what it was, only that it took over my life.

When the little guy crashed last year, I read everything I could find. I didn't care about me, I didn't want to live anyway, but when it hit him - well, that changed everything. I learned so much.

And I was determined that it wouldn't get us. I have tried to ensure that everyone is safe, that we have supports. We haven't gotten too far, but I keep trying. I have courage, I keep going every day, even when it seems impossible. Somehow, I keep reaching down deep and finding a way to keep fighting, everyday.

But its such a relief that I don't have to fight Hubby as much anymore. That I have one less fight every day.

That I can say those words out loud.

A Dunking

Well, I just fell through the ice again.

Before, it felt like i was drowning. then it started to feel like i was walking on very thin ice, every little thing would cause my foot to break through but i could usually keep from falling in, and if i did fall in, i could climb back out. Stressful, frightening, but manageable.

For the last couple of months, i have been falling in and going under, surfacing, panicking, then pulling myself out fairly easily. But it was happening more often, and i was starting to be afraid of the next fall. wondering if i would make it across the ice to the other side, where the journey seems to be on more solid ground.

Then last weekend, i fell through and was battered and bashed for awhile. Way more intense than any fall since last year. I was scared. i sent a message to someone, and asked to talk to someone else. Neither worked out.

i did the silent scream, crying so hard, so silently, in the bathroom so that no one would know, that i burst a blood vessel in my eye. i felt like my mind was out of control. i felt like there must be something terribly wrong with me.

But i think there isn't. i read something. well, lots of things. but it seems to boil down to:

there isn't a 'reason', i am not 'damaged', there is nothing to 'fix'. I am trying to ignore fear. i am trying to do it alone. and people aren't meant to do it all alone.

father nilus of birchdale was telling the story of how, after a 12 hr shift at the ER, as an older gentleman, he had to drive an open 16-foot boat across 2.7 km of open lake, in the dark, through snowstorms to get home.

And how he learned to find his way by following the direction of the waves, by noticing the changes in wind and waves as he drew near the point, how he would look for the light that was his window, where his wife waited for him.

At the time, i could only think that the journey, exhausted/cold/afraid, into blind darkness full of terrors, was my daily journey, and never seemed to end. sometimes i could see a light in the distance and feel the strength to carry on, often i couldn't see the light, but carried on anyway. and sometimes i was so tired and in such pain, that i gave up for awhile.

but i always managed to keep going. the thought of someone waiting at home for me kept me trying.

usually, when anyone says ' but you are strong, you have survived everything that has happened ', i would cry. i did not feel strong. i KNEW that i had been giving up. that it was only luck that i didn't die.

but maybe now i will think that i am strong, that i always keep going, even when i am terrified.

because there is someone waiting at home for me.

that my fear is the terror in the dark, the mind out of control, the crazy.

that if i can just find someone to tell, the fear will diminish. someone will be there waiting on the other side for me. Or they will be with me, in the boat, as i battle my demons, so i won't be so alone.

because its the fear of being alone and unable to cope that does me in.

My hubby said once 'We will do this together'  and i try to hang on to that. i forget for awhile, but then i remember.

i reframe, i tell myself that i am strong, i am not alone. i cry because it doesn't feel true, but i keep telling myself, and eventually i climb out of the water and back on to the ice.

this time i was exhausted, i felt like i had had the sh** kicked out of me, but i was back on the ice, still walking.

i was strong.

it is time to find my tribe. the people who can stand with me.

rough seas

its been over 5 months since my world stopped in its tracks, and i started to try and chart a new, safer course.

trying to find help.

support.

a way to make it work.

so far, i have found no help. oh wait, someone prescribed me some med's. that was definitely helpful.

the waves keep capsizing me. i keep falling apart, getting overwhelmed with each new setback. i keep getting up. i keep trying.

how did life get so hard?

how do i find the strength to start trying again after drowning in despair?

how long does this go on?

i suppose . . . .  for the rest of my life.

Christopher gave me back my hopefulness, Walter gives me love, the kids give me strength and determination.

i will find a way.

i cross my fingers that my battered contraption of a life doesn't fall disastrously apart, and sink us all.

here's wishing for a fair wind, and possibly a beautiful sunrise or two.

love will save me

things that stop me cold:

1. my 11 year old son saying that he can't face living any longer this way. that he only keeps going because his mom would miss him too much.

that is what i use to say to myself, that I am only here because my mom would miss me - and now i am here for my hubby and kids and mom.  it broke my heart to hear him with the same feelings. to think of how his life could be full of stress and sorrow and angst. that the future is not met with excitement but dread.



2. my 19 year old will be tested next month for fetal alcohol syndrome.

I did this to her.

her messed up life, her heart break that she is not like the others, her fear that she won't be independent.

it was an accident, i didn't know i was pregnant with her. that makes it better, but not really.

i haven't been able to get this sorted out. she is still struggling. i wasn't able to fix things earlier, when she was struggling in elementary, in middle school, in highschool. it was my job, my responsibility to take care of her. and i didn't and i couldn't.



on the bright side, i have always ALWAYS tried my absolute best. I have been a good parent - involved, competent, dependable. I have tried my best to get the help they needed.




right now though, it just seems like i failed them.




i was asking myself this morning - how can i go on? how can i get up everyday, and do the same things as always, knowing that i have failed my kids? that i am a bad mom?





after awhile, i thought of something my mom had said when i was a young adult. I had brought up something from childhood, and she got teary and said she couldn't think about when we were young without crying because she felt so bad at all the things she had done wrong. I thought that was crazy, like crying over grey hair - totally expected, and we didn't hate her for it, in fact we loved her despite it.

i always remembered that comment, and how i felt about it. it kept me going this morning. i have talked with my kids before whenever i screwed up, and they always say they love me anyway, and they know i love them. the 19 yr old knows about the F.A., and says she appreciates how hard i have tried in taking care of her - she knows that she is a handful. the little boy knows absolutely that i love him and the rest of the family. so even tho i feel like i have failed, they don't.

that is what keeps me going.

that is how i can get up in the morning and keep on working so  hard.

love will save me.

it always has, and it always will.

The Little Boy

He is so excited to be almost grown up (he's 12). He keeps showing me his leg hair, his mustache, his B.O.

He is such a sweetheart. He can charm ladies like anything - at his new school, the lady teachers just love him.

Actually, guys think he is pretty cool too. Very nice.

He is into PS4 games, and knows enough to hold conversations with random adults. He often plays online with some teens we know, and he holds his own very well.

He really likes the first-person shooter games, and hates that i keep trying to limit them.

He is a trooper. Even though he has been sick for 3 years, he just keeps plugging along. Luckily its nothing too major. Hopefully we get it figured out soon.

He used to love Hot Wheels, that is all he played or watched. Then he switched to Starwars, which was big with his friends. Then Halo, even though he could only play it at one friends house occasionally.

Now he is into anime. When he was home sick for 3 months in the fall, his sister got him hooked on anime shows. A friend is showing him how to draw manga. he just bought his first manga books.

he is a pretty neat little guy.

 excuse me, i mean a pretty great guy (not little, lol)

small steps

Ok, I feel a bit better today.

yesterday was a gong show though, and the day before was full of rage.

I guess I am getting used to my new dose of meds.

Read today about dysthmia (?) which is chronic low depression which can have major depressive episodes.

Also read about depersonalization/derealization, which is when you feel disconnected from yourself and reality.

its common with high periods of stress and anxiety.

so that explains that. your brain shuts off so you can calm down.

now i just have to figure out how to deal with stress before it gets too high.

and looking back, it doesn't take very much to be too high.

I have had major episodes in high school, college, early 20's, after kids, after a move, and now - kids sick and financial crisis.

so some of that i can see as being stressful, but i don't know how to make my stress level lower with it - it still has to be dealt with.

other stuff doesn't seem too stressful for most people, so what is it that stresses me out?

i guess thats the homework for today.

I did figure out a possible reason for why i have been getting on everyones nerves. i have been totally out of control with reminders, mother henning, that sort of suffocating annoying behavior - apparently.

anyway, i think it is because i was so stressed out about taking care of everyone and everything by myself, with a lot of resistance from the kids and hubby. i was freaked out that i wouldn't be able to do it, so i got very controlling and was on every little detail all the time with everybody.

so i am noticing that and will work to change that pattern.

i can also see where the passive aggressive stuff was coming from - very frustrated with the lack of support and totally needing it.

so i can work on that too.

i am noticing it. which is depressing. i feel like a failure every 10 minutes. i hope that when i can change it, it will feel more positive, lol.

one small step at a time.

the battle

I feel like I am from a different world. Maybe I am a changeling.

I can't seem to get my meaning across to anyone.

It's like dog in my language is horse, so when i say "i see a horse", they are thinking i see a dog. But i don't know that their word is dog, so as i describe the horse/dog i can't figure out why they don't see what i see.

And they don't have a clue what i'm talking about.

And i am left swirling aimlessly alone in my world.

Sometimes, after epically long battles, it seems that we figure out what we are talking about. But these battles usually make me feel like I am dumb. that there is something wrong with me.

My current battle is life or death.

I am barely keeping my head above water, the waves keep closing over my head, then i come up for a breath, gasping.

And no one understands.

i think i am insane.

depression and anxiety don't seem to quite cover what is going on in my head.

I am still trying to keep it together enough that i can get through my day - if i stop work, we lose the house, and we can't afford to live on my hubby's wage alone even as renters.

Despite the very real threat that i will lose my job, i am still trying to get people to understand. because this other world can't continue. it is harming my kids now, and i won't let that happen.

I guess i need to find some info on supports for families who can't support themselves, not due to fire or war or cancer, but because they are total idiots at this game called life.

The Big Girl

My big girl just turned 19.

She is an amazing person, of course.

She has tons of perseverance, when she wants to do something she gets it done.

She has a fast fight or flight response to everything.

She has homeschooled for years - and she works on her own initiative!

She is learning her limitations, and how to get and accept help for them.

She is learning her strengths, and how to make them work for her.

She is fast, efficient, polite, and friendly.

She is the most amazing writer, writing stories and poetry all the time.

She loves anime, marvel heroes, forensics, and her cat - Castielle.

She has a great sense of humor, and can think outside the box. In fact, she rarely thinks inside the box - she sees things in such a different way from most people.

She is always sick, always tired, always worried, but keeps on keeping on.

She has a quirky sense of style, and always has. Until part way through Kindergarten, she purposely chose 2 different colors of socks and always wore her shoes and boots on the wrong feet. Her hair is always changing color and often has a funky cut. She wears comfortable clothes that are bright and don't match in the least.

When I told her we all have a toolbox of skills, gave the example of a hammer for big problems and screwdriver for small ones, then asked her what she thought her tools are - she replied, "I just have a rubber chicken!" She is so funny :)

She tries to take care of all of us.

She loves to create art, especially big swoopy colorful art. She loves to look at and collect art, especially finely detailed, fantastical, colorful art.

 My first baby. I slept with her, carried her, comforted her 24/7. I try my hardest to fix my parenting mistakes, and she loves me for it.

She never wants to leave home, and no one wants her to go.

But when she is ready, we will be with her every step of the way.

I love her with all of my heart.

Remembering my Huney.

I love my huney.

Today I remembered how he brought me Frosted Flakes in college when I mentioned that they were my favorite, racing another friend to be the first.

How he gave me other gifts - the only one who did. He still brings me gifts, even when I don't show appreciation for them.

He courted me.

When we lost Christopher, he was there for me. He took care of me.

When I told him how I had been feeling the last 5 months (I finally told him 2 weeks ago), even though he doesn't really understand, he is trying his best to be supportive.

 He is willing to give up his truck to balance our budget.

He is loyal to his friends, his family. He will do whatever it takes to be there for them when they need some help.

He works very hard, he tries his best and is always striving to be better.

He loves me and it shows in everything he does.

We used to be best friends. I think that we will be again.

He is my rock. He is my other half.

I love my huney.

Happy Valentine's Day . . .

Hell

I have thought for awhile that hell isn't a place you go to. That it is on earth.

The church says that unless you accept God, you can't have heaven. So heaven could be on earth, as your life which includes God. And hell would be your life without God.

That never really totally fit for me. Lots of people have different Gods.

 So I always felt that heaven was on earth, living your life being appreciative of beauty and wonder, helping others, being happy. (which could happen if you accept God and live a life of love, or don't accept God and live a life of love.). And Hell was living your life in torment - angry, fearful, disillusioned, in pain, hurting all those around you.

I always thought that I lived a life that was often in Hell. My mind traps me there. Sometimes i escape for awhile, but it always finds me. (lol, it IS my mind, i guess it doesn't have to look too far to find me!)

But if Hell is an absence of Love, then i am not in hell. I am surrounded by love, and i love others. That is what keeps me here.

So where am I?

I have been somewhere terrifying. I can not survive it if it comes back. I have started anti-depressants. I am only on the edge of it now, not drowning in it.

It is the little boy's birthday again.

We have all had a very hard year. The Hubby, the little boy, the big girl. And me. all hanging on by our fingernails.

I thought for awhile that I would not make it to Christmas. I almost didn't.

I am scared that I will fall in again. It seems that i always do. Over and over and over. but this time was worse. if it comes back ........


So.

I had forgotten about focusing on a winter of love and a summer of love. about loving myself, and really being with my family.

I will have to remember.

I will write about the things i love, the people i love, the ideas i love.

I will write about my strength, my light, my joy, my wonder.

And maybe i will remember it.

 and maybe i will believe in it more than the despair.

because right now the despair is stronger than anything. and i can't think when it takes over my mind.

but i can read about my life. and i can know that it is real.