Thursday, October 16, 2014

Food for thought

Hmm, read two things lately that made me think . . .

1. I'm reading The Robe by Lloyd C. Douglas, and there is a part where the story of the loaves and fishes is sort of compared to the story of Stone Soup. My own comparison, I doubt Mr Douglas had ever heard of Stone Soup, lol. But what an interesting proposition. That the miracle of feeding 5000 was having them share and feed themselves. Always a good thing to remind humanity of.

2. I read a post from Hilltop Diaries (a blog) that really made me think. And I really, really liked it!

breastfeeding and the eucharist
I always thought communion was a little weird.
I became a Christian when I was 20. Though my love for Jesus came easily, my acceptance of church traditions did not. Communion struck me as a pointless relic of orthodoxy. The vague cannibalism implied by “this-is-my-body” and “this-is-my-blood” made me wonder if the whole thing wasn’t just a misquote of Jesus. Didn’t the church have more important works of justice to do than sit around feeding each other stale wafers? Sure, the bread of life and cup of salvation sounded beautiful, but drinking grape juice from a plastic thimble was never the transcendent experience I hoped it would be.
It wasn’t until I became a nursing a mother that I began to understand the Eucharist. 
My experience of breastfeeding has been very straightforward; my kids were both good latchers and grew steadily. Once I got over the initial shock of milk coming out of my boobs, I found it all quite simple and peaceful. By some mysterious process, my body produced the perfect nourishment for my babies. There was nothing gross about this transmission of fluids; I quickly ditched the nursing cover and breastfeed on demand. For food! For healing! For sleep! For comfort!
When Simon was a few months old, an acquaintance asked if I was breastfeeding. When I responded in the affirmative she said, “I knew it! I could tell by the way he looks so adoringly at you. He’s like ‘You’re all I need, Mom.’” 
Perhaps this is what Jesus had in mind for the Eucharist. Through the breaking of the bread, God invites us into the nursing relationship: the meeting of all our needs.
I think about the cracked nipples and the itchy thrush, the aches and fevers of mastitis, the midnight trek across the house to feed a crying baby, fatigued to the point of nausea: "This is my body, broken for you."
I think about the times I missed out because of the chore it was keeping Simon fed, the chained-up feeling of pumping at work, the moments when I wish desperately for a break: "Poured out for you and for many…"
I think about God, who has given me these children and the means to sustain them, who is present in the Eucharist and in my nursing chair, who by these rituals invites me to participate in His life-giving power: "Do this, in remembrance of Me."
Amen.

My kids sure don't get the whole eucharist thing - and I sort of always just try not to think too much about it, like with the tooth fairy. But I like the idea of this one. I will think more about it :)

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Moving On . . .??

I visited Christopher today. We are here for Thanksgiving, so a good time to walk down the hill and through the woods (beautiful in their fall colors!) and say Hi.

I thanked him and God that fall is my favorite season once again, that I don't have to be dead and walled off to get through it. I decorated the house in fall stuff again this year. I regret that my kids have had such a long gap in this tradition, but we did manage to keep a few of our fall rituals going the last 5 years.

5 YEARS!! I can't believe it! He would be in Kindergarten this year! Exclamation points all over the place!!

Maybe because he is 5 now, I can start moving on easier? He is not a baby anymore.

I have been going for a bit of Grief counselling, and learned that there is a difference between grieving and mourning. One is the close to you, all-encompassing, not moving on type of sadness. The other is being sad and missing them, but moving on and remembering them in rituals.

Or something like that.

We always do a Day of the Dead thing, but it is supposed to be a remembering ritual, not a sad ritual.

So I asked Christopher how I could possibly do that, since i cry whenever I think of him (even now, lol). I let myself cry, and think of what I missed the most of him. And it was the baby snuggles, the nursing, the feeling of being loved unconditionally by a baby.

And I realised that I wasn't moving on because of me, not him. I still want that baby love, and I 'm not ready to give it up. Even though I'm 46 this month, and not having any more babies!

And I thought immediately of how my big kids and my hubby come up to me for hugs and snuggles and cuddles and I brush them off. I'm too busy for big kids, babies MAKE you slow down. They are the ultimate excuse to sit and relax and love for a few minutes.

And I need to give my big kids (and my hubby) the same love as I did when they were babies. I need to give my self permission to stop working at a million miles a minute and sit and cuddle.

So I am one step closer to being the Mom I want to be . . . Little Bear's Momma (you know? Little Bear cartoon? That mom is who i emulate, lol) She always has time for a snuggle.

And that is my new number one priority.

Thanks Christopher. You helped your family again in such a huge way. What would we do without you?

I love you!