The rupture and repair process
The bridge in the Blue Zone is so that I work to bridge the chasm between me and the people I have rifts with in our relationships. It is hard to take that first step towards reconciliation, but with this framework, I am empowered to try.
This pretty picture is called 'Sweet Rendezvoux At the Fairy Bridge', and was created with stamps by Shwu-Miin. I will be checking out her blog to see how she uses her stamps, and maybe I will try to create something just as beautiful.
Cyndi Bennett writes in 'Clean up in Aisle 9' the following:
"As a word of warning, the rupture and repair process takes two courageous people who sincerely care about the relationship, want to see it restored, and are willing to deal with the discomfort of the process. We may have ruptures in all kinds of relationships in the workplace that may not be able to be repaired because these elements do not exist.
Repairing a relationship rupture, whether it’s in a personal relationship or a therapeutic one, requires patience, empathy, and effective communication. Here are ten tips to help you navigate the process:
- Acknowledge the Rupture: Recognize that a rupture has occurred and take responsibility for addressing it. Avoid denial or avoidance, as this can prolong the issue.
- Open and Honest Communication: Initiate a conversation with the other person involved in the rupture. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs, and encourage them to do the same. Create a safe space for open and honest dialogue.
- Active Listening: Listen attentively to the other person’s perspective without interrupting or immediately defending yourself. Show empathy and understanding for their feelings and experiences.
- Validate Emotions: Acknowledge and validate each other’s emotions. Recognize that feelings are valid, even if they differ. Validation can help create a sense of connection.
- Take a Break if Needed: If emotions are running high and the conversation becomes too intense, it’s okay to take a break and return to the discussion when both parties are calmer and more composed.
- Seek Common Ground: Identify shared goals or values that can help you both work toward resolution. Finding common ground can be a unifying factor during the repair process.
- Apologize and Forgive: If appropriate, offer a sincere apology for any actions or words that contributed to the rupture. Be ready to forgive as well. Forgiveness is a powerful tool for healing and moving forward.
- Learn from the Rupture: Reflect on what led to the rupture and the dynamics that played a role. Use it as an opportunity for personal growth and improvement in the relationship.
- Set Boundaries: If necessary, establish clear boundaries or guidelines for communication and behavior moving forward. This can help prevent future ruptures.
- Rebuild Trust: Rebuilding trust may take time. Be patient and consistent in your actions. Show through your behavior that you are committed to repairing the relationship.
Remember that repairing a rupture is a process that may not always lead to a complete resolution or reconciliation. Sometimes, the goal is to find a way to coexist or maintain a functional relationship while respecting each other’s boundaries and needs.
For the most part, I have found that the people I have established earned attachment with are more than willing to “stick with it” and work through the hard things. My co-worker and I followed this process to begin the healing process of our ruptured relationship. When everything is worked through, it strengthens the relationship because you know that this person will not “cut bait and run” at the sight of any trouble."
I am going to use the 9 muses, half-sisters of Persephone, as my process in this step. All images and information about the 9 sisters are from Thalia Took's website. Thalia writes:
"Kalliope is one of the nine Muses, sister Goddesses of inspiration and the arts in Greek thought. She and Her sisters are the daughters of Mnemosyne, the Goddess of memory, and Zeus. Kalliope is the leader of the Muses and the Muse of epic poetry.
I have given Kalliope a kithara, an instrument in the lyre family which was considered the professional's instrument. The leash for the plectrum (the thing she's holding to pluck the strings) is straight off a vase painting.
I gave the Muses similar faces so They'd look like sisters; the color violet (or the flower violet) is associated with Them, and so also I've put Them in various shades of that color, because the Goddesses of Music (among other things) should of course harmonize with each other.
Done as part of a commission of all Nine of Them. This design is available on prints through ArtPal and greeting cards through Zazzle."
1. Acknowledge the Rupture: Recognize that a rupture has occurred and take responsibility for addressing it. Avoid denial or avoidance, as this can prolong the issue.Kalliope is the oldest sister, the trailblazer, the responsible one. She has the strength of Kali, who makes you face your troubles. With lots of help from Elpis from Step 4, Kalliope can take responsibility and start the attempt to repair the rupture instead of avoiding the hard stuff.
"Polyhymnia is the Muse of sacred song, one of the nine Muses of Greek myth, Goddesses of inspiration and the arts. She was usually portrayed in a meditative mood, and I have given Her a veil as a symbol of worship. Her name means 'Many Hymns'.
Made as one of a set of all nine Muses for a commission. This design is available on prints through ArtPal and greeting cards through Zazzle."
2. Open and Honest Communication: Initiate a conversation with the other person involved in the rupture. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs, and encourage them to do the same. Create a safe space for open and honest dialogue.
Polyhymnia was also the muse of debate, speeches, convincing, politics. In this instance, she is my muse of speech, of conversation. Not to convince but to express. Her meditative mood and hymnal songs remind us to be calm, create safety, be clear not vague.
"Terpsichore is the Muse of dance and choral song, one of the nine sister Goddesses of the arts in Greek myth, Who inspire poets and confer greatness and fame on those They favor.
Made as one of a set of all nine Muses for a commission. This design is available on prints through ArtPal and greeting cards through Zazzle."
3. Active Listening: Listen attentively to the other person’s perspective without interrupting or immediately defending yourself. Show empathy and understanding for their feelings and experiences.
Terpsichore will be the dance of active listening - as listening and empathizing slowly swirl around each other. No talking, just being. This is one of my hardest ones to do. I always jump in, I rarely hear what the other person is saying because I have my own ideas of what they mean and how this process should go.
"Melpomene is the Muse of Tragedy, sister of course to Thalia, Muse of Comedy (I like to think of those two as especially close); the Muses being the Goddesses of inspiration and the arts, especially song and poetry. They are the daughters of Mnemosyne or Memory, and were invoked to help poets and singers remember lines and lyrics in the age of oral tradition. Melpomene is usually depicted with the tragic mask; grape leaves are also associated with Her as a symbol of Her connection to Dionysos as God of the dramatic arts.
I have put Her in sombre colors with dark cypresses behind. Made as one of a set of all nine Muses for a commission. This design is available on prints at ArtPal and on greeting cards at Zazzle."
4. Validate Emotions: Acknowledge and validate each other’s emotions. Recognize that feelings are valid, even if they differ. Validation can help create a sense of connection.
She is the one who will represent this step, to remember that all feelings are okay, not bad, even the negative ones.
"Thalia is the Muse of Comedy, one of the nine Goddesses of inspiration and the arts in Greek thought. She is generally shown in a merry mood holding a comic mask; ivy leaves are also associated with Her as an allusion to Her connection with Dionysos, out of Whose worship the dramatic arts came. Her name means 'Luxurious One' or 'She Who Thrives' and it is a most excellent name, if you ask me.
Made as one of a set of all nine Muses for a commission. This design is available on prints at ArtPal and on greeting cards at Zazzle."
5. Take a Break if Needed: If emotions are running high and the conversation becomes too intense, it’s okay to take a break and return to the discussion when both parties are calmer and more composed.
"Thalia, sister of course to Melponene, Muse of Tragedy (I like to think of those two as especially close)" says Thalia Took.
I think of them as two sides of the coin - emotions on one side, de-escalating on the other side. Thinking of the de-escalation as joy, and as the other side of the coin might make it easier to accept the break. I have someone who feels like that is a retreat and does not like taking a break when I ask. I guess this might be one of my boundaries, and also something to discuss re: not leaving you, just taking a breather, just flipping the coin and then will be back when the timer rings.
"Klio, the Muse of history, was usually portrayed with books or a scroll; as the Goddess of history. She was also responsible for bestowing fame (her name means 'Glory'). She could be shown with a trumpet as well, as one announcing a great event; accordingly I have given her trumpet-shaped earrings.
Made as one of a set of all nine Muses for a commission. This design is available on prints at ArtPal and greeting cards at Zazzle."
6. Seek Common Ground: Identify shared goals or values that can help you both work toward resolution. Finding common ground can be a unifying factor during the repair process.
As the keeper of history, Klio knows what people are likely to do, how things come to pass, what is likely to happen in the future. She can help identify the things we have in common, and point out ways to work together that have worked in the past.
"Erato is one of the nine Muses, or sister Goddesses of inspiration and the arts in Greek myth. She is the Muse of erotic or love poetry. Her name means 'Lovely' or 'Beloved'.
I have shown Her here with roses and a dreamy look on Her face, twirling a curl around Her finger.
Done as part of a commission of the nine Muses. This design is available on prints through ArtPal and greeting cards through Zazzle."
7. Apologize and Forgive: If appropriate, offer a sincere apology for any actions or words that contributed to the rupture. Be ready to forgive as well. Forgiveness is a powerful tool for healing and moving forward.
Erato is love - essential for both apologizing and forgiving.
"Ourania is the Muse of Astronomy, one of the nine sister Goddesses of inspiration and the arts in Greek myth. Her name (sometimes spelled Urania), means 'Heavenly'. I have shown Her here with lilies of the variety Stargazer in Her hair, gazing up at the stars.
Made as one of a set of all nine Muses for a commission. This design is available on prints through ArtPal and on greeting cards through Zazzle."
8. Set Boundaries: If necessary, establish clear boundaries or guidelines for communication and behavior moving forward. This can help prevent future ruptures.
I have skipped #8 of the 10 steps since I only have 9 muses, lol. This number 8 has Ourania. She has a soft voice and a pleasant temperament, perfect for using her scientific logic to set boundaries in a way that is non-threatening.
"Euterpe is the Muse of lyric poetry; She is usually shown with the aulos, an oboe-like instrument (sometimes misnamed a 'flute', which it is not). I've given her a double aulos in bone or ivory.
Made as one of a set of all nine Muses for a commission. This design is available on prints through ArtPal and greeting cards through Zazzle."
9. Rebuild Trust: Rebuilding trust may take time. Be patient and consistent in your actions. Show through your behavior that you are committed to repairing the relationship.
Euterope means 'giver of delight' which seems like something you need to rebuild trust. Doing kind things for the other person, doing what you say you will do, respecting them - all these things bring delight.
So this guideline will help me start to rebuild relationships as I learn about social stuff and relationship stuff. And I need to remember that it takes to people working together, that it could take time, there will be mistakes, but to keep trying.
"Remember that repairing a rupture is a process that may not always lead to a complete resolution or reconciliation. Sometimes, the goal is to find a way to coexist or maintain a functional relationship while respecting each other’s boundaries and needs."
Something I need to remember - it is not a failure if we are not always BFF's like in the movies. This is the type of relationship my middle daughter wants, and when I think of most young adults, they do not even think about being besties with their Moms. And that is okay, I'm not failing as a mother.
Wish me luck as I start to try this out on the people around me!!