found one!

just got our christmas pic.'s.

This is hubby.

we took several million photo's of us all nice and calm - but daughter #1 wouldn't cooperate. finally I told them to take some goofy ones.

I like this better, anyway :)

It's all about the baby

wow.

I've read about how couples who are trying to get pregnant say that everytime they turn around, they see a pregnant woman, or a commercial about babies, or whatever.

They are right. I sort of knew it before, but it was background, like elavator music. Now I know it because it stabs me in the heart. Every time I turn around.

We are sure a baby orientated society. Because new parents are the best consumers, probably.

I think I need to go to Fe's deserted isle for a few months!

Us

This is my eldest daughter. I'll have to ask her what 'blog name' she wants. She just turned 13, we are having 9 girls over for a rock star sleepover party this friday. Wish me luck, and ear plugs!

She will always be my baby. She slept in our bed until she was 6. She - 'gasp' - nursed until she was 5. I know, it sounds awful, but her baby sister got to nurse, and she wasn't ready to quit yet. She wouldn't stay with a babysitter until she was 10. she gets very anxious over any changes. and yet she's capable and responsible enough to have been looking after her younger brother and sister after school for 2 years. very moody, but a nice girl, everyone says.

This is the little boy. My snuggly guy. The charmer.

He is so relaxed, and accepting. I've never had to worry about him, he never gets into trouble.

He's turning 6 in three weeks.

He used to live for hot wheels, right now he's into star wars.

This is me.

This is daughter #2.

9 years old.

the size of a kindergartner, she just made it over 40 pounds this year - no more carseat, yay!

the personality of a giant. she was born in the year of the dragon, and it shows. she is the smallest person in her school, but she owns the hallway when she walks down it. she dominates every situation. she owns the world, and will do great things with it one day.

I will find a picture of hubby, and post it next. and a picture of Christopher when it comes. and photo's of our new house. now that i figured out how to post photo's, i can go crazy!

Whine

I wish that I wrote more about other stuff, other than just my troubles.

I don't want to be known as that poor grieving mom.

I'm working hard on getting a life, and enjoying it. There is more to me than just the bad stuff.

But there aren't many other places for me to talk about this stuff. In fact, the only person I can talk to is my mom, and she is busy with lots of other stuff, so I try not to bug her too much.

My job keeps me busy, and I'm really enjoying working with kids again.

I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER, healthwise, I just want to do cartwheels (if I could do cartwheels, which I can't). I was taking antidepressants for 5 years, which combined with the mental stress of anxiety and depression, made me soooooo tired and distant from everyone and everything. Then I was totally off the wall last fall when I came off the medication. Then I was soooooo sick with the pregnancy.

Now, for the first time in YEARS, I'm laughing, joking around with the kids, enjoying life. I'm so thankful, and appreciating every second of it.

My days are wonderful.

My nights are not.

I guess I need to grieve sometime, and since I'm not during the day, it all comes out at night.

I can't sleep. After my hubby falls asleep, I think about death and cry. He doesn't even know. He thinks everything is wonderful. And since he's stressed about finding a job, I havn't told him. Besides, he's usually been drinking, and I learned years ago to avoid heart-to-heart discussions when that's the case. It's hard enough when he's himself!

I had a lot of talks about death over christmas. With my mom, because we had christopher's memorial on Dec.28th. With my friend, because it was her first christmas without her husband. He took his own life last april.

The suicide talks have brought back so many memories of my own struggles with depression. and I've told her that i might not be the best person to talk with, because i'm on his side. I think he had the right to take his life, and its a shame that he had to sneak around to do it. they could have had a loving goodbye. I'm trying to teach my kids that death is natural, not a bad thing, so that they can say goodbye to me when I go. Or say goodbye to anyone who dies.

Life is such a struggle when its going well. When you have mental issues or health issues, life is almost unbearable. Every minute is so hard, and there are a lot of minutes in a day. The days are soooooo long.

I'm only here because my husband and my kids need me. When they can let me go, I will go. And I don't think that's a bad thing. I'm enjoying life. But its not what I live for. I will be happy to go when its time. Even though thinking about leaving makes me cry, I want to go.

I guess I shouldn't be having long talks about suicide just after losing my baby. Maybe I'm still a little unbalanced. But I'm not suicidal, or even depressed.

I am having some signs of anxiety. Trouble sleeping. Trouble eating. Trouble breathing sometimes. But minor still. I know to get help when it gets worse. And then my wonderful days will become a monumental struggle again.

So I am LOVING my days. Nothing like death to make you appreciate how wonderful nature is. How wonderful kids are. How wonderful love is.

So that's my rambling whine. I wish life were always as wonderful as it seems on the outside. But I have nightmares under my bed.

Next post will not mention death. I've promised myself.