And my counselling says that i need to acknowledge stuff, not deny it.
So I guess I should just write it down.
Jenna. The young girl who I posted about quite a bit awhile ago, then stopped because the sadness of cancer overwhelmed me.
She died.
Last year.
And I am still so sad.
Counselling says maybe because I identify with the loss from a mom's perspective.
This has been the hardest year ever, all mixed up with Jenna's and Christopher's losses.
I didn't really know her all that well. She was just a good friend of my daughters for a couple of years. We joked in the hallways, she hung out here sometimes.
And it has torn me apart.
I don't understand why.
I think that grief is totally irrational. An instinct to keep parents looking after their kids until they can survive on their own. Something to do with bonding, bred into us to keep family and community intact so we as a species survive.
Why can sometimes we just not move on?
I am trying a new thing. Whenever something makes me sad or cry ( at least a couple of times a day, often something on facebook - a comment or an article. but just as often a thought.) I write it down and honor the feeling. I donate a dollar to World Vision so that i can feel like i am doing something to help. I pray for comfort and support for anyone involved in the incident. Sometimes that includes me.
Its sort of working.
Today, for the first time, I looked at photos of Jenna. And I said Goodbye.
This is Jenna, on her sixteenth birthday. She died 14 days later. And she will always be missed, very much, by so, so many people.
