Summer Days

I just figured out that I am a workaholic. I'm sure everyone knows that already. I have read about workaholics missing out on their kids growing up. Thought it was terrible. I was glad I worked from home so I could be with my kids.

And knew that I was too busy or too tired to do stuff with them. But I was with them 24/7, soooo . . . .

I told someone that last year I first wore shorts when we went on our summer holidays - the third week of August. It still didn't click. Really, I was just too busy.

Ummm, that is what a workaholic is - someone who is too busy with work to spend time with their family. Duh.

I think I didn't think of it as work, because I love it. And I knew that I was just building my business for a year or two, then it would settle down again.

Except that really I do it all the time.

So the Summer of Love is all about relaxing with the fam . . .

And we are all loving it!

Loving Myself

Boy, this has been so hard this winter - I have felt like such a train wreck, causing stress to everyone I am around, that I just cannot like myself. (Although I am starting to suspect that most of the stress is all in my head. Not all, but most)

And of course, this turns out to be one of the big keys to finding balance and becoming a better mother.

If you can't love yourself, you can't love others.

So I am working very hard on reminding myself to treat me like the kids - love me for who I am, not what I do. To cut me some slack, to take time to baby myself, to love on me a bit.

So the winter of love (focussed on giving love to the kids) worked well for what it was. But it feels like it fell far short of what i was hoping for. And that's because I am not in the equation, i am just doing stuff for others, not actually connecting - just watching.

like always.

So now comes the summer of love.

Of loving myself.

Of BEING with the kids, doing things that make me happy and feeling loved.

Partly inspired by this - http://www.thechaosandtheclutter.com/archives/week-of-boring

Wish me luck :)

Life Sucks

Well, I've been putting off writing anything down for over a year, as if that would make it not true.

And my counselling says that i need to acknowledge stuff, not deny it.

So I guess I should just write it down.

Jenna. The young girl who I posted about quite a bit awhile ago, then stopped because the sadness of cancer overwhelmed me.

She died.

Last year.

And I am still so sad.

Counselling says maybe because I identify with the loss from a mom's perspective.

This has been the hardest year ever, all mixed up with Jenna's and Christopher's losses.

I didn't really know her all that well. She was just a good friend of my daughters for a couple of years. We joked in the hallways, she hung out here sometimes.

And it has torn me apart.

I don't understand why.

I think that grief is totally irrational. An instinct to keep parents looking after their kids until they can survive on their own. Something to do with bonding, bred into us to keep family and community intact so we as a species survive.

Why can sometimes we just not move on?

I am trying a new thing. Whenever something makes me sad or cry ( at least a couple of times a day, often something on facebook - a comment or an article. but just as often a thought.) I write it down and honor the feeling. I donate a dollar to World Vision so that i can feel like i am doing something to help. I pray for comfort and support for anyone involved in the incident. Sometimes that includes me.

Its sort of working.

Today, for the first time, I looked at photos of Jenna. And I said Goodbye.

This is Jenna, on her sixteenth birthday. She died 14 days later. And she will always be missed, very much, by so, so many people. 

Love my kids

My oldest, 18 yrs old, is sitting on the couch playing Diablo on the PS4 with her Dad. Her music of choice as she destoys monsters and zombies? The I Love Egg Song!

It's the little boys birthday today. I made him a cake. I haven't made a cake for anyone's birthday for quite a while  :(  And I got him a present. Haven't gotten presents for anyone for awhile either. 

And we are celebrating Chinese New Year this month. Lots of chinese food, neat asian candies, eating with chopsticks. Haven't done that in awhile either. Even started reading them our old favorite chinese picture stories - and the kids are loving it. 

I think that this is a good thing. :)