small steps

Ok, I feel a bit better today.

yesterday was a gong show though, and the day before was full of rage.

I guess I am getting used to my new dose of meds.

Read today about dysthmia (?) which is chronic low depression which can have major depressive episodes.

Also read about depersonalization/derealization, which is when you feel disconnected from yourself and reality.

its common with high periods of stress and anxiety.

so that explains that. your brain shuts off so you can calm down.

now i just have to figure out how to deal with stress before it gets too high.

and looking back, it doesn't take very much to be too high.

I have had major episodes in high school, college, early 20's, after kids, after a move, and now - kids sick and financial crisis.

so some of that i can see as being stressful, but i don't know how to make my stress level lower with it - it still has to be dealt with.

other stuff doesn't seem too stressful for most people, so what is it that stresses me out?

i guess thats the homework for today.

I did figure out a possible reason for why i have been getting on everyones nerves. i have been totally out of control with reminders, mother henning, that sort of suffocating annoying behavior - apparently.

anyway, i think it is because i was so stressed out about taking care of everyone and everything by myself, with a lot of resistance from the kids and hubby. i was freaked out that i wouldn't be able to do it, so i got very controlling and was on every little detail all the time with everybody.

so i am noticing that and will work to change that pattern.

i can also see where the passive aggressive stuff was coming from - very frustrated with the lack of support and totally needing it.

so i can work on that too.

i am noticing it. which is depressing. i feel like a failure every 10 minutes. i hope that when i can change it, it will feel more positive, lol.

one small step at a time.