Hell

I have thought for awhile that hell isn't a place you go to. That it is on earth.

The church says that unless you accept God, you can't have heaven. So heaven could be on earth, as your life which includes God. And hell would be your life without God.

That never really totally fit for me. Lots of people have different Gods.

 So I always felt that heaven was on earth, living your life being appreciative of beauty and wonder, helping others, being happy. (which could happen if you accept God and live a life of love, or don't accept God and live a life of love.). And Hell was living your life in torment - angry, fearful, disillusioned, in pain, hurting all those around you.

I always thought that I lived a life that was often in Hell. My mind traps me there. Sometimes i escape for awhile, but it always finds me. (lol, it IS my mind, i guess it doesn't have to look too far to find me!)

But if Hell is an absence of Love, then i am not in hell. I am surrounded by love, and i love others. That is what keeps me here.

So where am I?

I have been somewhere terrifying. I can not survive it if it comes back. I have started anti-depressants. I am only on the edge of it now, not drowning in it.

It is the little boy's birthday again.

We have all had a very hard year. The Hubby, the little boy, the big girl. And me. all hanging on by our fingernails.

I thought for awhile that I would not make it to Christmas. I almost didn't.

I am scared that I will fall in again. It seems that i always do. Over and over and over. but this time was worse. if it comes back ........


So.

I had forgotten about focusing on a winter of love and a summer of love. about loving myself, and really being with my family.

I will have to remember.

I will write about the things i love, the people i love, the ideas i love.

I will write about my strength, my light, my joy, my wonder.

And maybe i will remember it.

 and maybe i will believe in it more than the despair.

because right now the despair is stronger than anything. and i can't think when it takes over my mind.

but i can read about my life. and i can know that it is real.