well, my ongoing attempt to 'get a life' is going on 'pause' again.
i got off my zombie medication and learned better coping skills for my depression. then i got sick right away, and didn't leave the bedroom for 8 months.
i'm just starting to see the beauty in life, to look forward to stuff, to care, to interact, to feel again.
and tomorrow i start the zombie med's again.
i need them to keep working. hubby is still unemployed. his latest plan is to leave for 2 months of excavator school, then finding work wherever it takes him. its a pretty good plan. we are pretty broke.
but i'm working long days, and am so exhausted i can hardly exist. it was just manageable when he was here to take care of everything. i won't manage as well on my own. my summer work is going to be stressful, and i'm worried about how i'll handle it. and working with kids, i don't want to take any chances. i've already crossed the line, not able to cope at the end of the day.
so its back to zombie mode. no feelings. safer for the job, sadder for my family as i disappear again. i'll try hard to keep connected, but its difficult. at least there's no depression mixed in with it. and hopefully its only short-term.
One day at a time. I know that sounds trite and cliche, but sometimes it really is the only way. I'm a recovered alcoholic, so I know what it's like to go to bed each night dreading the fact that you have to face another day tomorrow, and thinking you just can't do it. So you have to stop thinking about tomorrow and the next day and the next, and you just get through today. And then tomorrow you do it again. And again. One day at a time.
ReplyDeleteBe strong.
Shy-girl, I've been awol from the internet for a while... primarily because I've been focussing on putting one foot in front of the other.... and managing my "zombie" meds as I struggle through each day.
ReplyDeleteMy meds allow me to get out of bed. There are many days when I would not be able to leave my room if I didn't have them on board.
And although they "dull" some of my feelings, that actually is a good thing for my family. They get a much more consistent Mummy... who still has highs, but doesn't have as many lows.
So, I really get it. But I also think that maybe you're not on the right meds for you.. because it's not acceptable to be completely numb.
xoxo