Waiting

I'm getting used to the idea that 'he might' is now 'he is'. I was not prepared last week. All the bad things were just something that probably MIGHT happen, in the future. I 'knew' he was probably going to die, and i talked about it and wrote about it, every day. But on Thursday, it became 'now'. And I freaked, like it was a total surprise. I wasn't prepared for that. But I'm doing better now, getting used to the idea. I'll probably freak out a few more times. And that's okay.

I'm going in to the doctors every day or two now to check for a heartbeat, since I can't feel him moving anymore. The heart beat is getting slower and slower. i guess he's not moving because he's sleeping all the time, since he wouldn't have much energy.

I always thought that dying in your sleep would be the best way to go. I'm glad he will have a peaceful exit, not months of tubes and needles and stuff before he goes.

The waiting is hard. We are afraid to plan anything just in case. My 9 year old had her birthday party this weekend, and i stressed about having to cancel at the last minute. People want to do stuff, i keep saying 'in a few weeks'.

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I saw Fe's post asking people to come here- I almost had a heart attack! Shy people don't do well with attention. But . . . . thank you, Fe. Our small town doesn't have a support group, and its nice to know that there are people out there who will listen to me talk.

I'm actually being pushed way outside my usual boundaries. Normally, i keep everything inside, and don't deal with it. But because so many kids and their parents know about the baby, i have to talk about it on a daily basis. which is good.

I guess the shygirl is getting a life. Thanks for the kick in pants, baby christopher! you might not be with us for long, but you have sure changed our lives!