i never thought about about other peoples grief, i was always so scared about how i would handle death.
i'm getting a crash course. i work in a school, so many children and their parents know i'm pregnant. besides, its very obvious now! i have to tell them about christopher, so they don't plan baby showers and stuff.
and everyone reacts differently. some try not to say anything about it. others need to talk. i find the ones that insist there is hope the hardest. i think i'm afraid to hope.
my family grieves deeper. my mom and my hubby just want to let him go and have it done with. hubby is starting to show the signs of stress. i worry about him. i know he has to work through it, but i still worry. the 5 yr. old needs to talk about it, but his sisters don't want to.
i cry a lot. its hard to find information on this particular situation. lots on unexpected stillbirth, some on knowing your child has something like trisomy 18, where its 'not compatible with life'. not as much on living for months, knowing that he could die at any time, but might live for awhile after birth, too.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
i havn't felt him move for awhile.
i'll go in tomorrow and get the doppler heartbeat check, if i don't feel him move today.
all of a sudden, its not an 'if he dies'. its a 'he might be dead, right now'.
i don't think i'm ready.
I find that, in all challenging and difficult situations, people who don't know what to say tend to try and be positive.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was struggling with breast cancer, the very very very worst thing that people could say to me was "You're a strong woman! You can beat this!". It sounds like a kind and supportive statement, but all I heard was "So if you don't beat this, it's your own fault for not being strong enough".
*sigh*
I guess the best people just take their cues from you and simply listen when you want to talk about it, and acknowledge the awfulness of it when you don't.
This is a heartbreaking situation for you. I wish there was something that I could do to help.
(((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))
Fe sent me over - I am feeling so much for you right now, Shygirl.
ReplyDeleteI have no advice to offer. I know of several bloggers who lost little ones last year and it is devastating.
I am expecting this year, and am on a messageboard that covers a very wide range of motherhood issues - they have support groups regarding some of the grief you must be experiencing.
Lots of hugs to you - and celebrate the life that he is as well as mourning his potential.
I know that there is nothing really that I an say that will help except that I am here reading your story.
ReplyDeleteHugs for you.
I'm so sorry. I don't really know what to say, so I'll just say that I'm thinking of you and your precious baby, and hoping and praying for the best.
ReplyDeleteAnd try to get your husband to talk about his feelings. This is hard on fathers too - I know from experience. And men don't like to talk about their feelings, and sometimes they get forgotten when all the focus is on you and your baby. Just know that his feelings are real and valid too, and he needs to know that he can talk to you about them.
All the best to you and your family.
What a terrible thing to have to cope with, the uncertainty must be very stressful. You sound like you are doing a really amazing job of processing. Will be thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Lara