Lightbulb

The classic hallelujah lightbulb moment - the arms go up, music plays 'laaaaaaaaa'.

Someone got it.

Finally, I managed to get someone to understand. Well, the first step of understanding, but the first step is the most important because without that first glimmer of understanding, there is no forward movement.

And it was Hubby.

He saves me again. After so much anguish trying to get him to see. Finally. I love that guy.  :)

I have been trying to tell him I needed us to be a team, that I can't be fighting him for everything. He would get so frustrated with me, not understanding what I was asking, saying 'I'm trying!!'. And I could see how hard he was trying. But it wasn't what I needed. I didn't know what I needed, other than for us to be working together instead of me nagging/ him dragging.

Then we were talking about tattoos. Big Girl turned 19 this year, and we are getting tattoos to celebrate. She has gotten hers, its mountains and sky. He is getting LOYALTY and some stuff to go with it. He feels like family is the most important thing to him, and he feels like he let us down, and last year he almost lost us. He is now super committed to us. Poor guy. He rocks  :)

And I told him my tattoo was a bracelet that says courage. I told him the story of the boat, and that it takes so much courage for me to keep going every day, like the guy who had to get in the boat every night and have faith that he would make it across. That i have to get in that boat everyday. I told him that what i meant by team was for him to be in the boat with me. So that i didn't have to make that journey alone all the time.

And he got it. Well, enough that we can go to the next step.

But ...... he got it!!!!!!

And I think I will have the courage to speak my words aloud to my counsellor, who hasn't been helpful at all but maybe if I say the words, we can get somewhere.

My words.

I have depression and anxiety. I struggle every day. I feel alone to deal with everything in my life - my issues, my kids issues, finances, my job. I don't tell anyone because when I am in the midst of it, its all I can do to get through the next second, the next minute, the next hour. When I can breathe again, I talk, but I can't say too much - they could take my kids away, I could lose my job. It's a secret that has almost killed me, again and again. And I didn't understand what it was, only that it took over my life.

When the little guy crashed last year, I read everything I could find. I didn't care about me, I didn't want to live anyway, but when it hit him - well, that changed everything. I learned so much.

And I was determined that it wouldn't get us. I have tried to ensure that everyone is safe, that we have supports. We haven't gotten too far, but I keep trying. I have courage, I keep going every day, even when it seems impossible. Somehow, I keep reaching down deep and finding a way to keep fighting, everyday.

But its such a relief that I don't have to fight Hubby as much anymore. That I have one less fight every day.

That I can say those words out loud.