Norse Goddesses - Boundary 2

 One of the things to come from re-doing my Blue Meadow Step is the Norse Goddesses.

The Blue Step had a focus on boundaries, which took me forever to get my mind wrapped around. I was finally able to use my boundaries with actual results this winter.

One of the things my hubby and I struggle with is my 'back seat driving', although I have always viewed it as 'helping'. It is especially bad in the winters since I am so anxious driving in the bad weather, and where we live, the winter weather is pretty bad! Lots of snow and ice and fog.

I was able to visualize my goddesses holding my boundary so that I didn't force my anxiety onto my hubby, and so that I kept his frustration from triggering me. Here, I switched up my Greek goddesses for Norse ones, because I needed Sigyn to be my Hera/married goddess.

It goes like this:

1. Skadi and her wolves are my Artemis and dogs. I call certain wolves to me - the twins, Strength and Courage; Love, who is with me always; and Fear, whom I comfort, which in turn, comforts me. 

2. Skadi is joined by Hel, my Persephone, who helps Skadi with the wolves. Skadi is linked with the underworld, and Hel can leave the underworld with her Hellhound and Hellhorse.

3. Next, I call upon four of Frigg's handmaidens to hold my boundaries. The handmaidens are goddesses who are not bound to a god. 

Snowtra is a goddess of wisdom, she is my Athena - the logical voice of reason. She fills my head with self-talk - 'Stay in the present, everything is fine right now. Focus on the present. Breathe.' 

Var is another goddess of wisdom, specifically integrity of words and actions, something I learned a lot about last year. She guards my words.

Lofn is a goddess of love, reminding me to lead with love in all things. She also gives permission - in my case, I am permitted to give up control, she reminds me there is nothing I can do because I am not driving. That has always helped me in things like flying on airplanes where I literally have no control. 

And Syn guards my boundary the way she guards Frigg's door, so that I keep quiet and so that I don't let hubby's emotions destroy me.

4. Sigyn, Loki's wife, also joins us. She is often seen as a subservient, devoted wife because she shielded Loki when he was trapped and burned with acid. Some people see her though as a loving, accepting person for Loki to come home to after he deals with anger and disdain from the other gods all day. I channel this into: I trust my hubby's driving, he is an awesome driver. He loves me so much, he would never do anything to hurt me. He loves his car, he would never do anything to hurt it.

 5. Nerthus is my Demeter. She is an Earth goddess, and Freja's mother. She helps me with my impulse control. When I am driving, I take some risks at first, like passing without a lot of room. Whether I am trying to follow hubby in his car, or I'm driving on my own, it often takes one risky pass before I remember to slow down and go with the flow. This mother-figure helps me to be mindful of safety.

6. Freyja is my Hestia. Freyja is love and beauty, cats and magic - all things that mean home to me. I hold this feeling to ground myself and remember the important things in life.

I visualize them all riding through the air like Valkyries, fiercely and joyfully surrounding me with protection. Because I don't want to call Sigyn away from her children, I imagine that they all are pulled away when needed, and returned to the same spot, so that they lose no time. Then they can fight with me guilt-free.

The other day I was driving our huge suburban, and I said "Road trip!" when I called to them. I smiled to think of my truck full of happy excited women, blasting music and eating junk food.

My other Norse goddess is not needed for this particular boundary help, but she is:

Nissa, a selkie, is my Aphrodite. Norse selkies are in many stories. My selkie sheds rules and inhibitions to become a fun and sexy partner, without losing her independence. 'Nissa' means 'friendly, mischievous elf'.

Yellow Meadow - Boundary 1: Eleni ( a Leimonide nymph)

Originally my boundaries were in the Blue Meadow, which was part of Persephone's realm. Even though boundaries are now a part of the Green Zone since I need to use them daily, they will still be in a Blue Meadow, it will just be in a corner of the Green Zone.

However, Persephone can bring her boundaries with her when she goes to the Yellow Meadow to help Artemis with the dogs. The Yellow Meadow is also in the Green Zone, and is where Artemis starts to struggle with the dogs (emotions). I know I took it out of my plan awhile ago, but I just put it back in, lol.

I have now made my Yellow Meadow into a wetlands area where the river runs into the lake. It transitions from green grass to buttercups, which grow in wet areas. The dogs can run around in the buttercups and cause some trouble, but Artemis can still get them under control after awhile by using some strategies. These strategies are the Amnisades, river nymphs who are Artemis's handmaidens. 

This is when Persephone needs to come and help, and bring a boundary with her, or the dogs will go too far into the wetlands. Before, everyone ignored Artemis's struggles until it was too late. If the dogs go deeper into the wetlands, they get bogged down in the muck where the cat-tails grow. Because cat-tails grow tall and packed together, the further the dogs go, the more lost they get and the more panicked they become. Artemis wades in after them, but she has essentially no control over them.

Eventually the dogs start to get into sinkholes. Artemis tries to pull them out, but she herself begins to sink. This is where Persephone used to yank Artemis down to the underworld, leaving the dogs behind in the muck. 

Persephone's first boundary will be to protect herself and Artemis and the dogs from overwhelm. Boundary 1 keeps the dogs out of the cat-tails and sinkholes. The other goddesses are called to come and help.

Eleni is a Leimonide (a nymph of the marshes and watery wetland fields), and will be my personification of being swamped. If I can keep her in my mind, and run through the steps below, I might be able to stop the cPTSD shut down.

The steps look like this:

A) Identify the problem and the boundary needed. Ask "What is wrong?" and "Why/How is it wrong?"

Persephone will know that the problem is overwhelm when she can see that the self-care strategies from the buttercup section are not working. The overwhelm could be lifestyle (too busy, too tired, etc) or it could be emotions. The cues are withdrawal and feelings of  hopelessness.

The boundary here is to stop and visualize a fence, limiting access to the boggy section of the wetlands. This is the time to pull out the goddess book and go through everything, especially the safety plan (the green journey). 

B)  Reframe my thinking / positive self-talk

Artemis and her dogs come to help Persephone manage the emotions. They use a calming action with breathing and mantras to calm her down and reframe her negative thinking into positive / growth mindset thinking. They remind her that she is not alone. 

 

3. Clarify the situation with others, remind myself of the boundary and what I need to feel better, then do the work.

If it is life overwhelm, then redo my schedule, focusing on only the most urgent things and making 'me' a priority. I learned last time not to drop all of the social things - I became isolated and spiraled into freefall fast!

If it is emotion overwhelm, then getting outside and having some time to myself usually gives me the space I need to calm down enough to use strategies. Remembering that I am not alone is very important here.

Athena and Inyx share this step, using logic and love to talk it through with others - mostly because I have a huge problem with saying 'No'.

4. Hold the boundary - Pallas holds my negative reactions inside the boundary, and stops negative things from coming in and overwhelming me. As I learned in my sessions with Donna, the boundary is not a wall. It is a fence with gates, so things can still go in and out UNLESS I close the gate. I can also have more than one fence, some things can come in but only so far if I close the inner gate.

5. Recover from the stress of holding my boundary - the 3 charities and their Mom from Step 6 of the Apology Bridge. This is a step I often forget, this step-by-step plan should help.

Another change

 

Well, I have made some progress but that means changing things around again. I don't mind though, it will work better anyway - as I learn more, I can see how it fits together better.

My progress at my last session was:

1. For the first time I could see 'Me' in the green zone instead of Artemis and Persephone. I am feeling confident enough that I don't need them the same way - before it was too scary, so Artemis and Persephone did everything. They so help me to understand and visualize things as I rewrite my story though, so I'm not getting rid of them!

2. I've been working on the Blue Meadow for over two years, but not getting anywhere with the boundaries. I have finally realized that almost everything I had put into the Blue Meadow needs to be in the Green Zone. I need to do these things every day, not only when things are going wrong. I don't need a yellow meadow and a blue meadow to be separate from the green zone, they can be in the green zone. 

Tree Alphabet Oracle Cards

 

I'm going to double up on my tree alphabet to make an oracle deck, so each letter has two cards. I'll do the artwork and a little booklet with the tree information and rune connections. I'm thinking that the artwork will be a large landscape of the valley, and the cards will fit on top, so each card's landscape will have the background of the larger picture. For example, the willow tree background will fit in along the waterway that flows through the valley.

It now looks like this, lol:

Letter          Celtic tree                My tree #1                         My tree #2

B                    Birch                   Paper Birch                          River Birch

L                   Rowan                Rowan (Mtn Ash)                     Cascara 

F                     Alder                       Alder                                     Larch

S                   Willow                     Willow                              Pussy Willows

N                     Ash                      Red Ash                                   Maple

____

H              Hawthorn                  Rosehips                               Thimbleberry

D                  Oak                     Garry Oak                                 Chestnut

T                  Holly                   Oregan Grape                           Snowberry

C                 Hazel                    Beaked Hazel                          Black Walnut

Q                 Apple                         Apple                               Pacific crabapple

____

M                Vine                        Purple Vetch                          Pink Vetch

G              Ivy (bramble)               Raspberry                           Salmonberry

Ng              Fern/Reed                    Bracken                               Horsetails 

Z              Blackthorn(sloe)        Canada Plum                          Saskatoon

R                 Elder                          Elderberry                         High Cranberry

____

A               Fir                            Douglas Fir                                 Cedar

O             Furze                          Juniper                                       Thistle

U            Heather                     Strawberry                                   Clover                                   

E              Aspen                         Aspen                                     Cottonwood

I                Yew                            Yew                                         Hemlock

____

EA           Poplar Grove          Poplar Grove                            

OI            Spindle                 Red Osier Dogwood                    Fire Cherry

UI            Honeysuckle            Honeysuckle                            Yerba Buena

IA            Gooseberry              Gooseberry                                 Currant

AE           Witch Hazel              Fireweed                                    Lupine

P               Pine                            Pine                                       Ponderosa

                 

Blue Meadow - Persephone's Boundaries

 Now that Persephone is ready to connect with people, she needs some boundaries. 

Persephone will use the boundaries here in the Blue Meadow, and instead of ignoring Artemis's struggles in the Yellow Meadow, Persephone will take them to Artemis when she calls so they can work together in both the yellow and blue meadows.

This is a work in progress, as always, but here is what I have come up with so far, all of which ultimately affects her connections with others, even the boundaries that have lots of internal work. Most of them have the same format:

1. Nyx and Hemara help Persephone with fears of Pandeia (cPTSD).

2. Identify the problem and which boundary is needed - Persephone, as her more confident Queen persona, does this step.

3. Reframe my thinking / positive self-talk - Artemis and her dogs come to help Persephone manage the emotions.

4. Clarify the situation and the boundary, convey that the limit is reached and what I need, do the work - Athena and Inyx share this step.

5. Hold the boundary - Pallas.

6. Recover - the 3 charities and their Mom from Step 6 of the Apology Bridge.

Athena and Pallas were raised together as warriors by Pallas's father Triton, son of Poseidon. Athena is the sister of Persephone, and they often spent time together. She is the goddess of war so she is my choice for using strategies and negotiating and keeping a level head during conversations. Pallas is fierce and will hold the boundary when they experience push-back.

Inyx is an oread, a mountain nymph. 'Iynx' means 'that which attracts the spirit to desire and love'. She invented a magical love-charm known as the iynx--a spinning wheel with a wryneck bird attached. The Wryneck is a migratory bird, traveling long distances to reach its breeding grounds. It navigates using a combination of celestial cues, such as the position of the sun and stars, and landmarks on the ground. This remarkable ability to navigate across vast distances will be needed as Inyx helps Athena navigate conversations so that love is the goal, not defeating the other person and making them do what I want.

Blue Meadow - The First Step

I've been working hard to sort out my Blue Meadow now that my Green Journey through Overwhelm has made me feel safe enough to try working on some of the really hard things - conversation, communication, connection, and relationships; allowing others to express their emotions and opinions; not ignoring, avoiding, withdrawing, isolating. 

Just like Persephone had to master her fear of Cerberus (my PTSD) before she could take her first step towards accepting emotions, here she needs to master her fear of talking to people (my cPTSD) before she can take the first step to connect with the people around her.

So it's going to go like this:

1 - Persephone is trapped in the Underworld by her fear, but not in Hypnos's cave so she has not left life completely. She is trapped and avoiding the things she fears but she is with Nyx and Hemara, who live together near Hypnos's cave. Nyx is night, and Hemara, who is Nyx's, daughter, is day. They meet each other twice a day as one goes out and the other comes in at dawn and twilight. 

2 - Nyx mothers Persephone, and reminds her that she is a Queen. When Persephone is ready, Hemara takes her on a shortcut out of Hell. They meet Pandeia (my cPTSD), the daughter of Selene and goddess of the full moon, and spend a little time with her. She helps the girls uncover the truth of how cPTSD works, Persephone moves past her fear a little bit, and the two girls can continue on the shortcut to the Blue Meadow.

3 - Once in the Blue Meadow, Artemis comes to help Persephone. Hemara says goodbye and continues on her daytime travels through the sky, bringing the sunrise to the world as she ascends. 

4 - Now that Persephone has faced her fear she is ready to take the first step toward starting a conversation or initiating an interaction. This will be the Phoenix - the rebirth of the courage to try to connect again after each time Persephone dissociates due to fear. This will probably happen multiple times a day until the fear begins to fade.

My Backyard Ogham Tree Alphabet

Image: Ogham Grove entwined pentagrams (Celtic Ogham Tree Alphabet) by Yuri Leitch, fineartamerica.com. This picture depicts the Evergreen Pentagram entwined with the Rose Queen Pentagram. This is a beautiful, Venusian, pattern formed by the Ogham trees in their traditional sequence. Yew (corresponding with winter solstice) sits at the top of the dark green pentagram; and Apple (corresponding with summer solstice) sits at the botttom of the golden pentagram. This is just one of many wonderful patterns to be found in the Ogham Grove.

We don't have all of the Celtic Alphabet trees here, so I have changed some out for trees that are native to BC to make my personal tree alphabet. Since many people have told me their different ideas of what to include in the Kootenay Tree Alphabet, I am going to just use the ones I have in my backyard. Not only will I be able to visit them every day, but I can justify my choices a little easier, lol.

I'll be going deeper into each tree, but for now I've decided on the following:

B - Celtic: Birch. Mine: Birch

L - Celtic: Rowan. Mine: Rowan (our native rowan trees are called Rocky Mountain Ash).

F - Celtic: Alder. Mine: Western Larch, which loses its leaves like a deciduous tree and is super common where I live (I have no Alders near me).

S - Celtic: Willow. Mine: Pussy Willow.

N - Celtic: Ash. Mine: Rocky Mountain Maple. Ash is not native here but Maple trees are, and they both have helicopter seeds.

________

H - Celtic: Whitethorn (Hawthorn). Mine: wild rosehips, a thorny shrub with red fruits because we don't have the thorny hawthorn trees here.

D- Celtic: Oak. Mine: Western Red Cedar instead of the oak trees we don't have here. Cedar is the most important tree in the Indigenous way of life on the Pacific coast, and we have cedar here as well, such as these ones.

T - Celtic: Holly. Mine: Oregon Grape, our local prickly leaves since we don't have holly.

C - Celtic: Hazel. Mine: Saskatoon since we don't have hazel trees - and the berries are just as amazing in their own way as hazel nuts are.

Q - Celtic: Apple. Mine: Pacific Crab Apple, our native apple tree. The wild turkeys LOVE eating the crabapples in my backyard tree, lol. They have even begun roosting in the trees near my house just so they can be close to it.

____

M - Celtic: Vine. Mine: Vetch, a native peavine that fills the fields and roadsides where I walk with the goats.

G - Celtic: Ivy. Mine: common snowberry - it grows in the fields, the goats love them, and they have berries - all of which ivy has. Ivy is not native to BC, but snowberry is.

Ng - Celtic: Fern. Mine: Bracken, a type of fern native to BC and one that fills the goat's field.

St - Celtic: Blackthorn (Sloe). Mine: Canada Plum, a very thorny tree native to the area. We have a bunch in the goat's field. 

R - Celtic: Elder. Mine: We call it Elderberry, and we have them over here as well.

____

A - Celtic: Fir. Mine: Douglas Fir. I love the cones, they look like little mice are hiding inside with their tails peeking out.

O - Celtic: Furze. Mine: Common Juniper is a prickly bush similar to furze, which we don't have here.

U - Celtic: Heather. Mine: Fireweed. Heather grows in BC but generally in the sub-alpine meadows. Fireweed is the same color and grows everywhere here.

E - Celtic: Aspen. Mine: Trembling Aspen.

I - Celtic: Yew. Mine: Western Hemlock instead of yew. It still has the poison connection (the tree is not actually poisonous like the hemlock plant, but don't tell, lol) and our Yew is in Eastern Canada and so not around here so much. 

____

Ea - Celtic: Poplar. Mine: Black Cottonwoods. Cottonwoods are poplars and I have tons along the creek behind my house.

Ia - Celtic: Gooseberry. Mine: Black Gooseberry, native to BC and one of the parents of Jostaberries (I have Jostaberries in my garden).

Ui - Celtic: Honeysuckle. Mine: Northwest Honeysuckle, native to BC and my neighbour has one that grows over the fence between us.

Oi - Celtic: Spindle Tree. Mine: Red Osier Dogwood. No spindle trees here, but tons of beautiful red dogwood.

Ae - Celtic: Witch Hazel (twin of hazel). Mine: Fire Cherry. Both the native Fire Cherry and Saskatoon are part of the rose family, and so could be considered twins.

P - Celtic: Pine. Mine: Pine.

Kootenay Ogham Trees

 My Mom is teaching me how to read tea-leaves. When she was young, her Grandmother read tea-leaves to her. I checked in our geneology photo album and my Grandma Weaver came from Scotland. After her mother died when she was twelve, in 1901, she went to work in a teacup factory, and maybe learned more about tea-reading there. Some of her Scottish ancestors came from Fearn, which is right at the top of Scotland. There are tons of stories of spae-wives and witches from there, and lots of Norse and Old Celtic beliefs. Spae-wives are herbalists, healers, and fortune-tellers.

Researching Fearn led me down another rabbit-hole - I've been reading all about the Celtic Ogham Tree Alphabet, and came across a couple of alphabets made by people in the States, using trees more common to their area. 

I was inspired to make my own with trees from where I live because I have just discovered my own 'sacred grove' on my mother's farm - a Grandmother Poplar Tree, sending out suckers from her roots, now stands with her sons and daughters in a perfect circle around her:

I'll be working on the Kootenay Alphabet for the next while, choosing trees and making cards so I can make an oracle deck.

I'll do them in 5 batches, as the letters are split into 4 'aicmi' (families) and 1 'forfeda' (additional letters).

A Connection Reading

 I'm still obsessing over connecting with my kids but not actually doing anything.

I did a reading with Maia Toll's Wild Wisdom Late Winter season and oracle cards, in a spread that is similar to the Mah Jongg oracle spread. It was surprisingly helpful - giving some structure, which I feel like I need, lol.

Her Late Winter season starts with a ritual of planting seeds of intention. I have planted some peas, and I may plant something else, but as I tend the seeds, I'm to tend my intention to connect. 

I'm thinking that when I check the peas each day, I will also send a text. When I water the peas, I will send an email. When I put them on the windowsill to sit in the sun for a bit, I will send a photo.

**Update: I have sent a text and an email this week already, so definitely found the structure I needed!

The next thing in the book is 'tending the flame' - the spark of creation (or wanting to connect) is not enough, one must blow on the spark ever so gently to build it into a flame. 

Again, a clear message that I need to DO things to keep the flame alive, to keep the connection going. Relationships require work, continual little actions that show you care. 

The crystal for this season is Mica. The one part of all she wrote about Mica that resonated with me was the bit where she says that Mica can handle heat - including the heat of anger. Something that holds me back is fear of both my anger and other's anger. I will have to have some Mica on hand to remind myself that I can handle it.

The spread started with a center card - one that had been left behind during the shuffling phase so when I found it I assumed that the universe was telling me that this one was important. It was the Hearth card, meaning center, community, nourishing relationships, protection. Ties in with the 'feeding the flame', doing acts of connection. Another affirmation that this is something that I need to do.

I just put one card in each of the 4 directions, instead of the traditional 3 cards in each spot when doing a Mah Jongg oracle reading.

In the East position, the personality position, I had The Maker card, from the Late Winter season. It's about interacting with the physical world, creatively. I do totally DO things if I'm comfortable, passionate about it (like my goddess project or oracle readings), or I need to help someone. So I CAN do connection things if I remember this.

In the South position, what will happen in the near future from present circumstances, I had the Seed card, from the Late Winter season. She writes that the seed is sent out by the mother plant with a love letter that says "I see you clearly. I have faith in you. This is what you will become." And to grow, the seed needs to have sunlight and water - what do my kids need to grow, what does the connection need to grow? What is the sunlight and water in this case? With the structure from the peas/intentionality, and the love letter, I think that the connections will blossom.

In the West position, the obstacles, I had The Sun card - the summer solstice. The book warns that many give up before they master the lessons they have learned. In my case, I learn many things but I give up before I put them into practice. I NEED to take action.

In the North position, the future, I had The Harvest card. Here it says that the hard work, the careful tending, the many little things you do will come to fruition, and to savor the results of your labors. I can feel the love already, lol. 

So, all in all, a very positive reading and a kick in the butt to get going. 

Today I am the Goat Shepherd

 I have been super busy lately. My Mom had a bad spell and I've taken over her farm chores and the making of dinners for the next while until we have test results back and she is less tired all the time.

It's been great for getting me outside - every morning I take the goats and dogs out to the field and sit while the goats graze and the dogs dig and run and bark.

I wrote my first poem in a long time:

Today I am the goat shepherd

on my Mother's farm.

I walk the muddy paths,

the herd trailing along behind me.

I bask in the first warm sunny day of February.

We all stop to lift our heads,

so that we feel the sun on our faces.

We rummage around in the melting snow

for the first signs of Spring:

- trickling water

- bits of green grass

- the smell of wet soil

- birdsong all around us

I stop in the poplar grove,

cuddled between the trunks of the trees.

I look up to see their branches

intertwined above me,

nestling me in their arms.

I have found a sanctuary for my soul in this field, 

held close in the embrace of the trees,

surrounded by peaceful animals,

and warm sunlight,

and new life.

My heart fills with the wonder

of the world around me.

I recall the words of Heȟáka Sápa (Black Elk), 

a Sioux holy man.

"Perhaps you have noticed 

that even in the very lightest breeze

you can heat the voice 

of the cottonwood tree; 

this we understand

is it's prayer to the Great Spirit, 

for not only men,

but all things and all beings

pray to Him continually

in differing ways."

Lunar New Year Oracle Reading

 Since we are in the midst of Lunar New Year, I have done a Mah Jongg oracle reading. (check the bottom of this post for the deck I used). When we lived on the coast, we became fairly involved with Lunar New Year celebrations, and I continued them while homeschooling and in my family daycare. This year is the Year of the Dragon.

 My middle daughter was born in 2000, another dragon year so I bought her a commemorative bottle of Soju. My son, myself, and my husband are all year of the monkey so I bought my son a bottle of Monkey Shoulder Whiskey. It was really nice. And my oldest daughter is the year of the rat. I couldn't find a rat or mouse bottle of anything, so I got her a peach and orange blossom vodka (peach in the oracle deck = young girl). She loves it, the vodka is delicious! We went out for Chinese food on Feb. 10th, and I have another surprise for them on Feb. 24th, which is the lantern festival on the full moon. I got them Plum Umeshu - soooo good!! FYI - all my kids are in their 20's, lol.

So my question to the oracle was "What is the best way to help my husband?" He is off on disability right now with a hurt knee and carpal tunnel surgery. He is not a happy camper. Generally, I retreat in the face of his crankiness. I did that last weekend - I avoided him and then left home a day early to go to my Mom's.

I love how this deck is shuffled - almost impossible to not shuffle well and so less chance of getting unshuffled cards. They are then spread into a house with the four directions on each side. They are turned over one at a time. There are 4 of each numbered card, which means repeats are the norm.

The center card is card 0, and I turned over 6 wan, fire. This is one of the worst cards!! It means danger, that there are other sides to this issue that are not being considered and so I should go over all aspects and find out what vital factor is being neglected. It also means intelligence and is good for educational inquiries though.

The 3 cards (1,2,3) on the bottom of the spread are the East cards - the two outside cards are my surface personality, and the middle card is my inner personality. Surface personality Card 1 came up as 1 bamboo, peacock. 

This is a middle-aged woman (that's me) and in this position of the spread it is negative - a warning about being overbearing and causing resentment (yup, I can see this).  Surface personality Card 3 is turned over next, it is 4 bamboo, carp. It is a positive card, meaning slow and calm (definitely what most people see), and paired with 1 bamboo it means success with researching my goddess project. Inner personality Card 2 is 6 bamboo, water. The worst card I could have had - fire and water together = calamity! The other cards will tell me the timing and circumstances of the terrible event that my inner craziness could cause. Water is also a card for communicating and commuting though, which goes with the educational/researching aspects in 3 of the 4 cards I've turned over so far. It's funny how my two surface personalities are opposites and both spot on - my Scorpio/Libra horoscope to a tee.

The 3 cards on the right (4,5,6) are South, and they go next. South is the near future and the present. Card number 4 is 8 circles, tiger. 

This card is a strong, brave and aggressive man - my husband. The 6th card is turned over next - it is the commence card, which means go for it, full steam ahead but success will come in the summer. The middle card 5 is 6 bamboo, water again. Repeat water cards means crossing water during travels. We are planning to do some camping this summer. Hmmm.  It also emphasizes the communication and commuting aspects from before so I guess I should keep going back every week even though I was tempted to avoid him and skip some trips home. He does feel more grounded when I am there so I guess that is probably one of the best ways to help him.

The 3 cards on the top (7,8,9) are West, the obstacles and the solution. Card 7 is an obstacle and I turned over 1 bamboo, the peacock again. In this position, it means that the older lady's glory days are done and the negative aspects of old age are coming into play. This is actually my Mom - I have to spend a lot of time with her now because of her cognitive decline. Card 9 goes next, another obstacle. I turned over the North card which means that disputes with my husband must be resolved and I should follow his advice (or my Mom's). The Solution card 8 is 6 circles, peach - which means a young girl is involved. The young girl is both my middle daughter (don't expect to be BFF's all the time and think you are failing if there is any discord) and Persephone, the one who needs to grow up in my goddess project.

The 3 cards on the left (10, 11. 12) are North, which is future outcomes. Card 10 is a difficulty ahead and I turned over 6 wan, fire again - danger ahead. It also represents intelligence though. Card 11 is 7 wan, seven stars. 

The seven stars are part of the bear constellation and the seat of the gods, particularly the god of literary excellence. This positive card helps protect against the danger of the fire card and encourages me to continue my work with the goddess project - it personifies imagination and writing. The final card, card 12, is the final outcome. I turned over 8 circles, tiger again which is my husband - in this North grouping it means conflict with my husband. So perfection should not be my end goal, lol.

Lots of bamboo cards came up which focus on family relationships, flexibility, versatility, strength and things will improve over time. It is a knowledge card, and the key takeaways are patience and understanding. Very appropriate for this reading. 

Summary

- keep commuting while he is on disability, he needs my support in person. 

- watch myself for being pushy and controlling and nit-picking - all things I tend to do

- continue the goddess project as I focus on connections

remember - the goal isn't perfection, there will be ups and downs forever. That is just life.

So, a super reading for me with some insights and some encouragement. Love it.

This is the deck I used:

Sitting with Emotions

 When Persephone needs help in the Blue Meadow, when she is struggling with depression and anxiety, then Artemis comes, bringing with her all of the Yellow Meadow nymphs – the Nephele for self-care, the Pleiades for sleep strategies, the Amnisades for de-escalation techniques, and the Hesperides and Hyperboreans for family and friends.

With their help, she can learn to sit with her emotions. The Amnisade who cares for Artemis’s dogs (emotions) will be a big part of that.

Image: Fantasia 2000

This picture is from Fantasia 2000. She is a Spring sprite who is almost killed by the eruption of Mnt. St. Helen while the music from Firebird plays. It feels scary, and I do feel that emotions are complete chaos, destructive and uncontrollable. She starts as joyful Spring, is turned to ash, then finds herself and brings new life to the desolate landscape.

The Greek word phantasia is usually translated as "imagination." However, in Greek thought the word always retains a connection with the verb phainomai, "I appear."

Cyndi Bennett writes in 'Clean Up on Aisle 9': "After truth has been applied and my thinking has leveled out, the rest of the noise reflects the barking dogs of my past that no longer have teeth. I can ignore them because they can no longer hurt me."

I plan on not ignoring my dogs, but they will not lead my thinking anymore. I will learn to sit with them and care for them. I will bring Spring back to my life. 

Lindsay Braman writes that the goal of therapy is not 'stopping certain behaviors'. It helps us develop a wider variety of ways to self-soothe. Trusting that the positive coping skills we are learning will work strengthens resiliency over time and helps the coping skills work faster over time. It is a slow process of learning, experimenting, and practicing.

This is a good reminder that I'm not trying to get rid of certain emotions, I'm just trying to learn new ways to care for them so that they don't take over my life. I'm beginning to trust that I can navigate my life without avoiding everything and spiraling into the pit over and over.

I gave my Mom the following information, which I was using for this step, because she is consumed by guilt when she talks about what my Dad did to her. She feels that she shouldn't say anything, or even think anything, because he is not here to defend himself (he died in 2022) but that means she can't deal with her trauma. She has lots of resentment, and anger, and more guilt about not being able to protect her children. She is not sleeping and ended up in the ER this week. She says this is helpful and she has taken the first step of talking about it. Still guilty, but talking.

Dominee at Self-Love Rainbow writes that when you sit with your feelings it means you allow them to exist. You're not running from them or ignoring them. You're making space to feel them and telling them "You belong here today." Because those feelings do belong here. It's okay to have sad days and to feel things that are uncomfortable or that we wish we didn't have to feel. It's not about wallowing in the feelings, which happens when we focus only on those uncomfortable feelings and nothing else. When we sit with our feelings we're allowing them to exist alongside all of our other feelings.

Dominee has 5 tips:

1. Recognise when those feelings want attention.

- pay attention to your cues. You might feel upset or cranky or anxious without knowing why. You might feel the physical symptoms of repressing emotions like being teary, headaches, or trouble sleeping.

2. Identify the emotion.

- identify the feeling that needs attention and why you are feeling it. Give yourself permission to be okay with it. It can help to say outloud "I am feeling _______ because ______." or to write it in a journal.

3. Accept the emotion.

- give it space to exist without judgement and without trying to change it. Let go of the need to control it. Example: I am sad, it's okay to be sad, and I feel like crying right now. Validate what you are feeling. You're not stupid or bad for feeling how you feel. You don't have to be over a feeling after a certain amount of time.

4. Let them exist

- don't avoid or mask the feelings with drugs etc. Feelings won't last forever even if they feel like they will. This is where the 'sitting with them' happens. You can feel sad and still have a good day - things exist alongside each other (grieving, watched a good movie).

5. Practice self-soothing.

- sitting with a feeling doesn't mean we can't do anything to make ourselves feel better. some feelings are strong and overwhelming. practice the coping skills and self-soothing strategies that help process rather than avoid. 

Positive self-talk: It's okay for me to cry. This feeling is not bad or good, it just is. I don't need to get lost in this feeling, I can stay present and mindful. This feeling won't last forever. I don't need to get rid of this feeling, I can just sit with it for a while. 

Sitting with your feelings can be messy, and that's okay.

So, all that is similar to what I found already about caring for my emotions, but this really focuses on the fact that you actually need to FEEL them. I have been thinking that the caring of the dogs is just to control them. 

I guess I will do MORE research on how to FEEL them without getting overwhelmed. It really is a very slow process.

Blue Zone - Pandeia

 

This picture by Leslie Boudreau is going to represent my Pandeia.

Pandeia is the half-sister of Persephone (and Ersa the goddess of dew from Step 3 of my Bridge, the process of repairing rifts in relationships). As a daughter of Selene, she is the personification of the Full Moon, and childbirth as that used to be claculated with lunar months. Artemis is also associated with the moon and childbirth. Pandeia is also a part of the Nemean Lion mythology since he is a son of Selene and Pandeia's brother who was killed and put into the sky as the Leo constellation.

Pandeia is going to represent my cPTSD so that I can put a kind face on it. It is also said that "Of the honours that the Phliasians pay to this goddess, all those who seek sanctuary here receive full forgiveness". An important piece of the recovery process is forgiving yourself, and being able to move on from past hurts by forgiving others.

Seneca, Oedipus 38 ff (trans. Miller) (Roman tragedy C1st A.D.) :

"[A land plagued with drought :] Titan [Helios the Sun] augments the scorching dog-stars's [Seirios' (Sirius')] fires, close-pressing upon the Nemean Lion's [i.e. Leo the constellation of mid-summer] back. Water has fled the streams and from the herbage verdure."

"Aelian, On Animals 12. 7 (trans. Scholfield) (Greek natural history C2nd A.D.) :

"They say that the Lion of Nemea fell from the moon (selene). At any rate Epimenides also has these words : ‘For I am sprung from fair-tressed Selene the Moon, who in a fearful shudder shook off the savage lion in Nemea, and brought him forth at the bidding of Queen Hera.’"

Blue Zone - The Bridge, Step 6

 The Bridge will help me to take the first step towards repairing rifts in my relationships. Cyndi Bennett writes in 'Clean Up on Aisle 9" the following:

The Recovery Process

"If you have done the internal and external work that I outlined above, you may feel emotionally exhausted. That is to be expected because you’ve just done a ton of deep therapeutic work.

Part of the recovery process is self-care. Reward yourself for doing the hard work. What does that look like for you? For me, it was a luxuriously long walk/hike around the lake at the Greenway, a massage, and reconnecting with my support system.

The healing journey can be exhausting at times, so we need to pace ourselves to keep moving toward our goals."

Paying attention to my stress and doing something about it is definitely a thing that I have always ignored in the past. Hopefully this piece of the process will really help me to stay grounded and not spiral into panic and fear.

Something I read online that describes me:

"You can use strategies that help you keep your thoughts, emotions and body calm when you encounter a challenging situation. Many people try to cope with trauma by avoiding triggers whenever possible. But keep in mind that total avoidance may not be healthy, especially if it is limiting your daily life. You can try different self-regulating or calming strategies such as deep breathing and meditation, engaging in a hobby or activity, and contacting a person you trust who can listen or offer support. Think about the ways you already know to self-regulate as well as some new ideas you might want to try. When your battery is running low, seeking help can feel overwhelming. One way to prevent this is planning ahead for these times."

This goddess project is how I am planning ahead while still dissociating by having Artemis and Persephone do all the steps, lol. But I do feel safer and think that I can try these steps. Just talking these last few weeks as I try to address issues has not been working too well. The Bridge gives me a map and gives me a fighting chance.

Another relevant piece of information I found online is:

"One of the most important steps is to improve your capacity to assess threat, distinguish threat, and recover from fear. Though your experiences have given you very real evidence that the world is scary, healing needs you to believe that you have the potential to be safe. You do this through repeated practice of regulating your reactions to stress, seeing it as a form of physical therapy for your nervous system. We can’t stop the train from leaving the station- our nervous system is reflexive and autopilot shifts on easily. Coping with C-PTSD means that we can catch the train quicker, slow it down quicker, and rope it back into the station more effectively.

When you can reduce the fear reactions you experience when no threat is present, you’re retraining your nervous system to become more accurate and less reactive. This triggers a slow but important domino effect where your thoughts are less connected to fear, your emotions are less connected to fear, and your behaviors are less driven by fear.

The result is that you’re in better control of your physical symptoms, you improve your self-care, and begin to feel more present in life. When we aren’t motored by worry, we have space for more emotions and can experience true safety."

So, the goal in this step is to regain equilibrium and feel safe. However, as I would already be totally triggered, I should not be doing any major work in this step. I can do that in another section of the Blue Zone or Yellow Zone. The focus here should be on de-escalation and feelings of safety.

I'm going to use 4 Greek goddesses to explain the recovery process.

All images in this step are the work of the amazing Thalia Took. I have changed their names to fit my process, go to the bottom of the page to find out who they really are!

Eurynome - aunt to Persephone, mother of the Charities

Eurynome ruled Olympus before Rhea, and as the third wife of Zeus, she bore him the three Charities. She was the goddess of water meadows and pasturelands as she was an oceanid, and her statue depicts her as a mermaid. She was a nurturer, taking care of an injured god for 9 years as well as her children and all of Olympus when she was ruler.

As a nurturer and a mother, she will be the one to comfort me. She will remind me of the things that make me feel cozy, safe, and content. Things like hot sweet tea, warm blankets, and pajama days. And as a mother, she will make sure that I do them!

The three Charities are half-sisters of Persephone. They lived near the 9 Muses and often spent time together. They are:

Thaleia - meaning abundance.

She will be the one who surrounds me with an abundance of peace and love and connection. I will settle in with people and/or pets, some popcorn and drinks, and watch a movie all snuggled up in a warm blanket. No need to talk or interact, just a chance to be with others in a way that feels safe. 

Euphrosyne - meaning good cheer.

Rainbows always make me happy, lol. She will be the one who gets me to play the self-care games I have found at Self-Love Rainbow. I love her stuff! I've bought tons since it is so cheap, and they are super helpful since there is nothing scary about rainbows! An easy way to do the self-care that I need to be healthy in order to deal with stress without making it into an obsession and feelings of failure and overwhelm. 

Aglaea - meaning good health.

Aglaea is the youngest of the Charities. As good health, she will represent walks and time in nature. That is something I always forget, and yet is one of the best ways for me to find calm and happiness.

So, these things will hopefully make the whole 6 step process feel manageable and safe and doable.

Images: 1. Thalia Took's 'Brizo'. 2. Thalia's 'Venus'. 3. Thalia's 'Iris'. 4. Thalia's 'Elpis'. 

Blue Zone - The Bridge, Step 5

The rupture and repair process

The bridge in the Blue Zone is so that I work to bridge the chasm between me and the people I have rifts with in our relationships. It is hard to take that first step towards reconciliation, but with this framework, I am empowered to try.

This pretty picture is called 'Sweet Rendezvoux At the Fairy Bridge', and was created with stamps by Shwu-Miin. I will be checking out her blog to see how she uses her stamps, and maybe I will try to create something just as beautiful.

Cyndi Bennett writes in 'Clean up in Aisle 9' the following: 

"As a word of warning, the rupture and repair process takes two courageous people who sincerely care about the relationship, want to see it restored, and are willing to deal with the discomfort of the process. We may have ruptures in all kinds of relationships in the workplace that may not be able to be repaired because these elements do not exist.

Repairing a relationship rupture, whether it’s in a personal relationship or a therapeutic one, requires patience, empathy, and effective communication. Here are ten tips to help you navigate the process:

1. Acknowledge the Rupture: Recognize that a rupture has occurred and take responsibility for addressing it. Avoid denial or avoidance, as this can prolong the issue.
2. Open and Honest Communication: Initiate a conversation with the other person involved in the rupture. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs, and encourage them to do the same. Create a safe space for open and honest dialogue.
3. Active Listening: Listen attentively to the other person’s perspective without interrupting or immediately defending yourself. Show empathy and understanding for their feelings and experiences.
4. Validate Emotions: Acknowledge and validate each other’s emotions. Recognize that feelings are valid, even if they differ. Validation can help create a sense of connection.
5. Take a Break if Needed: If emotions are running high and the conversation becomes too intense, it’s okay to take a break and return to the discussion when both parties are calmer and more composed.
6. Seek Common Ground: Identify shared goals or values that can help you both work toward resolution. Finding common ground can be a unifying factor during the repair process.
7. Apologize and Forgive: If appropriate, offer a sincere apology for any actions or words that contributed to the rupture. Be ready to forgive as well. Forgiveness is a powerful tool for healing and moving forward.
8. Learn from the Rupture: Reflect on what led to the rupture and the dynamics that played a role. Use it as an opportunity for personal growth and improvement in the relationship.
9. Set Boundaries: If necessary, establish clear boundaries or guidelines for communication and behavior moving forward. This can help prevent future ruptures.
10. Rebuild Trust: Rebuilding trust may take time. Be patient and consistent in your actions. Show through your behavior that you are committed to repairing the relationship.

Remember that repairing a rupture is a process that may not always lead to a complete resolution or reconciliation. Sometimes, the goal is to find a way to coexist or maintain a functional relationship while respecting each other’s boundaries and needs.

For the most part, I have found that the people I have established earned attachment with are more than willing to “stick with it” and work through the hard things. My co-worker and I followed this process to begin the healing process of our ruptured relationship. When everything is worked through, it strengthens the relationship because you know that this person will not “cut bait and run” at the sight of any trouble."

I am going to use the 9 muses, half-sisters of Persephone, as my process in this step. All images and information about the 9 sisters are from Thalia Took's website.

Thalia writes:

"Kalliope is one of the nine Muses, sister Goddesses of inspiration and the arts in Greek thought. She and Her sisters are the daughters of Mnemosyne, the Goddess of memory, and Zeus. Kalliope is the leader of the Muses and the Muse of epic poetry.

I have given Kalliope a kithara, an instrument in the lyre family which was considered the professional's instrument. The leash for the plectrum (the thing she's holding to pluck the strings) is straight off a vase painting.

I gave the Muses similar faces so They'd look like sisters; the color violet (or the flower violet) is associated with Them, and so also I've put Them in various shades of that color, because the Goddesses of Music (among other things) should of course harmonize with each other. 

Done as part of a commission of all Nine of Them. This design is available on prints through ArtPal and greeting cards through Zazzle."

1. Acknowledge the Rupture: Recognize that a rupture has occurred and take responsibility for addressing it. Avoid denial or avoidance, as this can prolong the issue.

Kalliope is the oldest sister, the trailblazer, the responsible one. She has the strength of Kali, who makes you face your troubles. With lots of help from Elpis from Step 4, Kalliope can take responsibility and start the attempt to repair the rupture instead of avoiding the hard stuff.

"Polyhymnia is the Muse of sacred song, one of the nine Muses of Greek myth, Goddesses of inspiration and the arts. She was usually portrayed in a meditative mood, and I have given Her a veil as a symbol of worship. Her name means 'Many Hymns'.

Made as one of a set of all nine Muses for a commission. This design is available on prints through ArtPal and greeting cards through Zazzle."

2. Open and Honest Communication: Initiate a conversation with the other person involved in the rupture. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs, and encourage them to do the same. Create a safe space for open and honest dialogue.

Polyhymnia was also the muse of debate, speeches, convincing, politics. In this instance, she is my muse of speech, of conversation. Not to convince but to express. Her meditative mood and hymnal songs remind us to be calm, create safety, be clear not vague.

"Terpsichore is the Muse of dance and choral song, one of the nine sister Goddesses of the arts in Greek myth, Who inspire poets and confer greatness and fame on those They favor.

Made as one of a set of all nine Muses for a commission. This design is available on prints through ArtPal and greeting cards through Zazzle."

3. Active Listening: Listen attentively to the other person’s perspective without interrupting or immediately defending yourself. Show empathy and understanding for their feelings and experiences.

Terpsichore will be the dance of active listening - as listening and empathizing slowly swirl around each other. No talking, just being. This is one of my hardest ones to do. I always jump in, I rarely hear what the other person is saying because I have my own ideas of what they mean and how this process should go. 

"Melpomene is the Muse of Tragedy, sister of course to Thalia, Muse of Comedy (I like to think of those two as especially close); the Muses being the Goddesses of inspiration and the arts, especially song and poetry. They are the daughters of Mnemosyne or Memory, and were invoked to help poets and singers remember lines and lyrics in the age of oral tradition. Melpomene is usually depicted with the tragic mask; grape leaves are also associated with Her as a symbol of Her connection to Dionysos as God of the dramatic arts.

I have put Her in sombre colors with dark cypresses behind. Made as one of a set of all nine Muses for a commission. This design is available on prints at ArtPal and on greeting cards at Zazzle."

4. Validate Emotions: Acknowledge and validate each other’s emotions. Recognize that feelings are valid, even if they differ. Validation can help create a sense of connection.

She is the one who will represent this step, to remember that all feelings are okay, not bad, even the negative ones.

"Thalia is the Muse of Comedy, one of the nine Goddesses of inspiration and the arts in Greek thought. She is generally shown in a merry mood holding a comic mask; ivy leaves are also associated with Her as an allusion to Her connection with Dionysos, out of Whose worship the dramatic arts came. Her name means 'Luxurious One' or 'She Who Thrives' and it is a most excellent name, if you ask me.

Made as one of a set of all nine Muses for a commission. This design is available on prints at ArtPal and on greeting cards at Zazzle."

5. Take a Break if Needed: If emotions are running high and the conversation becomes too intense, it’s okay to take a break and return to the discussion when both parties are calmer and more composed.

 "Thalia, sister of course to Melponene, Muse of Tragedy (I like to think of those two as especially close)" says Thalia Took. 

I think of them as two sides of the coin - emotions on one side, de-escalating on the other side. Thinking of the de-escalation as joy, and as the other side of the coin might make it easier to accept the break. I have someone who feels like that is a retreat and does not like taking a break when I ask. I guess this might be one of my boundaries, and also something to discuss re: not leaving you, just taking a breather, just flipping the coin and then will be back when the timer rings.

"Klio, the Muse of history, was usually portrayed with books or a scroll; as the Goddess of history. She was also responsible for bestowing fame (her name means 'Glory'). She could be shown with a trumpet as well, as one announcing a great event; accordingly I have given her trumpet-shaped earrings.

Made as one of a set of all nine Muses for a commission. This design is available on prints at ArtPal and greeting cards at Zazzle."

6. Seek Common Ground: Identify shared goals or values that can help you both work toward resolution. Finding common ground can be a unifying factor during the repair process.

As the keeper of history, Klio knows what people are likely to do, how things come to pass, what is likely to happen in the future. She can help identify the things we have in common, and point out ways to work together that have worked in the past.

"Erato is one of the nine Muses, or sister Goddesses of inspiration and the arts in Greek myth. She is the Muse of erotic or love poetry. Her name means 'Lovely' or 'Beloved'.

I have shown Her here with roses and a dreamy look on Her face, twirling a curl around Her finger.

Done as part of a commission of the nine Muses. This design is available on prints through ArtPal and greeting cards through Zazzle."

7. Apologize and Forgive: If appropriate, offer a sincere apology for any actions or words that contributed to the rupture. Be ready to forgive as well. Forgiveness is a powerful tool for healing and moving forward.

Erato is love - essential for both apologizing and forgiving.

"Ourania is the Muse of Astronomy, one of the nine sister Goddesses of inspiration and the arts in Greek myth. Her name (sometimes spelled Urania), means 'Heavenly'. I have shown Her here with lilies of the variety Stargazer in Her hair, gazing up at the stars.

Made as one of a set of all nine Muses for a commission. This design is available on prints through ArtPal and on greeting cards through Zazzle."

8. Set Boundaries: If necessary, establish clear boundaries or guidelines for communication and behavior moving forward. This can help prevent future ruptures.

I have skipped #8 of the 10 steps since I only have 9 muses, lol. This number 8 has Ourania. She has a soft voice and a pleasant temperament, perfect for using her scientific logic to set boundaries in a way that is non-threatening. 

"Euterpe is the Muse of lyric poetry; She is usually shown with the aulos, an oboe-like instrument (sometimes misnamed a 'flute', which it is not). I've given her a double aulos in bone or ivory.

Made as one of a set of all nine Muses for a commission. This design is available on prints through ArtPal and greeting cards through Zazzle."

9. Rebuild Trust: Rebuilding trust may take time. Be patient and consistent in your actions. Show through your behavior that you are committed to repairing the relationship.

Euterope means 'giver of delight' which seems like something you need to rebuild trust. Doing kind things for the other person, doing what you say you will do, respecting them - all these things bring delight. 

So this guideline will help me start to rebuild relationships as I learn about social stuff and relationship stuff. And I need to remember that it takes to people working together, that it could take time, there will be mistakes, but to keep trying.

"Remember that repairing a rupture is a process that may not always lead to a complete resolution or reconciliation. Sometimes, the goal is to find a way to coexist or maintain a functional relationship while respecting each other’s boundaries and needs."

Something I need to remember - it is not a failure if we are not always BFF's like in the movies. This is the type of relationship my middle daughter wants, and when I think of most young adults, they do not even think about being besties with their Moms. And that is okay, I'm not failing as a mother.

Wish me luck as I start to try this out on the people around me!!