I have done some research into social toolkits to see how to establish connections and just discovered CPTSD, which explains sooooo much. It will also impact all of the working parts of the journey - setting boundaries, having a voice, etc. I will be working on the connection/social piece for the next few weeks and will update this as I go.
The UK Trauma Council has a guide called Childhood Trauma, The Brain and the Social World. Some relevant info: stress generation - the person contributes to their isolation because they have learned to respond to social situations with avoidance, which prompts others to initiate conversation less and less. Adaptations that kept the child safe affect how the brain processes social information. The threat system (fight or flight) creates hypervigilance and avoidance and therefore limits social opportunities. The reward system based on social interaction has not been reinforced so the person does not seek out interaction and does not try to follow social norms in order to make friends. The memory system makes it difficult to access memories, which we need in order to learn what works and what doesn't, and to solve problems. This also makes it harder to regulate emotions and behavior. Trust is an essential part of relationships, and is compromised, and so restricts the amount of connections as well.
The CPTSD foundation has several good articles. This one - CPTSD and a Lack of Self-Trust - has more relevant info: The lack of the possibility of rescue from their abusers causes the child to deny and internalize their emotions which becomes a problem in adulthood. Children who are neglected or abused learn to count only on themselves and not trust those around them. Children who grow up in abusive or neglectful homes cannot rely on anyone to save or even notice them, and they always feel endangered. Behaviorally you have decreased ability to control your impulses, exhibit hyperactivity, and experience eating and sleeping difficulties. Emotionally, you lack trust in others and are reluctant to engage in relationships, plus you have difficulty asking someone else for help. Complex post-traumatic stress disorder is relational damage because your caregivers were not safe. Likely, you spend time protecting yourself by not opening up to anyone. When you were a child, your boundaries were violated repeatedly, leaving you unable or cautious to make them as an adult. Start small. Another way to empower yourself is to advocate for yourself. Recognizing what you need and want, asking for them, and standing your ground when someone denies you these things. Healthy self-trust involves being confident in oneself. If you have healthy self-trust, you will have faith in your abilities, and if you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation, you will remove yourself immediately. With a healthy self-trust, you stick to your personal standards, core values, and ethics and know when and how to put yourself first.
This ties into some other stuff I was reading in Self-Reg, and another book called Rest Play Grow by Deborah Macnamara, based on Gordon Neufeld's approach (both parenting books I used for childcare). The second one says that a primary need of children is a secure relationship. "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." C.S.Lweis. Must initiate a connection by inviting them into a relationship, pursuing them, holding on to them through good and bad. Invite with a collecting ritual, work at getting their attention instincts by smiling/eye contact/closeness/touch, use food, laughter, games. brain is hardwired to need emotion for growth, it drives action, propels us to fix problems, provides us with motivation. the brain has a defense if feelings are too much to bear and they overwhelm the system, so it can carry on. it decreases the amount of emotion you feel. the threat system has you avoid attachment in anticipation of getting hurt.
So it seems that this journey starts with an Acknowledgement of the problem (A and B), a Reminder to use my Green and Yellow Zone strategies (C, D, E), and then an Establishment of connection, starting with family (F), which is also in the Yellow Zone.
Knowing some of the reasons that may explain why I shut down most attempts to connect means that I may be able to break this pattern as well. The first pattern is my reaction to being overwhelmed, when Persephone takes me into the underworld and I lose my connection to life. I'm changing that story. Now I have another story to change. The one that says that I will be hurt if I let anyone know what I'm thinking, what I need, what I want. I can change from not letting anyone in, to having relationships.
During Covid I connected to my sister and a friend, last year I connected with my youngest sister, this spring I connected with my oldest daughter. The starting of these relationships has begun, and now I have to open myself to deepening them. I need to deepen my relationship with my Mom before she falls further into dementia. I need to keep my heart open with my husband, and not withdraw when the going gets tough. I need to stop putting on a cheerful fake face, and stop shutting down every attempt people make to talk to me. I need to stop panicking in every social situation. I need to start trying to make conversation and not interrupt and call people on the phone and . . . and . . . and . . .
This seems a little overwhelming.
Small steps. Remember - small steps.
This is the poem I wrote so many years ago, and which has not changed much at all:
To my husband
I am frigid, brittle, cold.
He throws his words at me
and they bounce off my frozen heart.
But under the ice
my tears flow freely.
To my mother-in-law
I am a closed window.
She throws her words at me
and they fall to the ground.
But behind the glass
I am shattered.
To my children
I am a cloud.
Distant, drifting, untouchable.
They throw their words to me
and the words are swallowed in the silent mist.
But inside the cloud
I am loving them.
To the rest of the world
I have locked myself away.
The world throws life at me
and I deflect it, not letting it in.
But behind my locked door
cracks are starting to appear
and I am glad to see the light
that filters in to me.
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