The Orange Zone

I had another session with Donna and I discovered that the reason I didn't have any strategies for the orange zone was twofold - a) I was afraid of it, and b) It is the place where nothing is working and I have no confidence that it will ever get better despite my trying 120%  24/7. Every other time I got here, nothing worked.

My visual of this zone is being alone in a rowboat, in the middle of Kootenay Lake, at night, in a storm. I can see the light in my family's window off and on, but I never get any closer. I'm still trying but am exhausted. This is where I would tell hubby that I need help rowing the boat.

Donna suggested that I make that visual different. I was thinking that I could add an emergency kit full of strategies into the boat. One thing I have to remember is that I'm not alone, so the visual would include people in boats all around me, close enough to help me. 

Even thinking of myself in the middle of the lake is too scary though. I'm going to change the visual below from the green zone to the orange zone, to be Artemis in the Karteros Gorge on the Island of Crete. 

Artemis is not in a boat, she is walking the path through the gorge. She has her dogs - all of them, including the happy and confident ones. Her cousin Eileithycia, goddess of midwives, lives here, so they share an interest and visit each other often (Artemis is a goddess of midwifery and birth as well). She has 20 handmaidens that always help her - they are amnisiades (nymphs from the Amnisus River, now called Karteros River, and are daughters of the Amnisus river god.) Artemis is no longer alone in the orange zone. 

She is not far far from shore. The river is small, the gorge is deep but beautiful and cool under the green trees, like the rivers here in the Kootenays. She will bring a bag of strategies with her on this journey, a journey that mimics Persephone's journey up from the Deep Purple Zone. The gorge even has steps like Persephone's:

The river mouth opens up onto a gorgeous sandy beach and the warm waters of the Sea of Crete - a beach that is exactly how I picture my happy safe place, the picture I go to when I need to center myself.

Kali will still be a part of this visual, to make sure Artemis does not ignore her struggles, but instead of forcing a drastic change (like quitting my job), she can offer guidance to adapt the job to make it work, to try different meds, to try more extreme help (like the crisis line or inpatient treatment). Scary things that I would normally not consider. 

My new visual for the green zone will be this one below, from tumblr:

*Added on Aug. 20:

I just got back from my quick holiday to the Shuswap in BC. We walked to Margaret Falls through an amazing gorge with a Jurassic Park vibe, and I felt like I was walking through the Karteros Gorge. Walking meant I felt strong and grounded, confident I could do this walk and happy to be with friends and family.

We had to evacuate later that night due to wildfires close by. Driving through the dark in the never-ending line of traffic meant that the uncertainty, worry, ect were much like the out of control anxiety I would get in the orange zone. I even got moments of 'I could die at any time' even though we weren't in the fire, just my anxiety spiking. But I got through it. 

So, more layers of visuals and meaning to go into the orange zone gorge.