New Me

 Had an amazing session with my FAVORITE counselor, Donna at New Path Counselling.

19 years of seeking help, learning lots on my own and through workshops but still not knowing the REASON  WHY  my depression keeps happening and therefore being terrified of it coming back.

And - we found it! I have only seen her 4 times, but what she does works perfectly with my brain. The first time I saw her, I came in and said I needed help but didn't know what to ask for.

She pulled out her sand table, directed me to her shelves of trinkets and walked me through one of the most insightful sessions I have ever had. 

This time I came in and told her that I had been planning to let it all go, and not obsess over why the depression kept coming back. However, I'm supporting my Mom in early stage dementia and she keeps talking about the past and how guilty/resentful/hurt she is. So - very hard not to think about it, and usually when I try to figure it out, I get triggered and start spiralling down.

I mentioned that just like the first time I turned off my feelings in highschool and disengaged, I did the same sort of thing with my mother-in-law. I couldn't fix it and so I just stopped talking to her /seeing her.

She picked that up and ran with it and we discovered that it is a pattern that started in grade school and THAT  IS  WHY  IT  KEEPS  COMING  BACK -  I keep repeating that coping skill. One that helped me survive then, but now causes me to lose my connection with life so much that I won't survive.

Her homework was to find a different coping skill.

I have been learning a lot about goddesses since xmas, and recently read Goddesses in Every Woman. And bought Kali Oracle Cards and learned a lot about Kali. Not worshipping or appropriating, just learning and loving. I am rewriting my inner dialogue and my coping skills with the goddesses as my template. And it feels so much more stronger and powerful.  

So empowering. I think I will survive now.