Moving On . . .??

I visited Christopher today. We are here for Thanksgiving, so a good time to walk down the hill and through the woods (beautiful in their fall colors!) and say Hi.

I thanked him and God that fall is my favorite season once again, that I don't have to be dead and walled off to get through it. I decorated the house in fall stuff again this year. I regret that my kids have had such a long gap in this tradition, but we did manage to keep a few of our fall rituals going the last 5 years.

5 YEARS!! I can't believe it! He would be in Kindergarten this year! Exclamation points all over the place!!

Maybe because he is 5 now, I can start moving on easier? He is not a baby anymore.

I have been going for a bit of Grief counselling, and learned that there is a difference between grieving and mourning. One is the close to you, all-encompassing, not moving on type of sadness. The other is being sad and missing them, but moving on and remembering them in rituals.

Or something like that.

We always do a Day of the Dead thing, but it is supposed to be a remembering ritual, not a sad ritual.

So I asked Christopher how I could possibly do that, since i cry whenever I think of him (even now, lol). I let myself cry, and think of what I missed the most of him. And it was the baby snuggles, the nursing, the feeling of being loved unconditionally by a baby.

And I realised that I wasn't moving on because of me, not him. I still want that baby love, and I 'm not ready to give it up. Even though I'm 46 this month, and not having any more babies!

And I thought immediately of how my big kids and my hubby come up to me for hugs and snuggles and cuddles and I brush them off. I'm too busy for big kids, babies MAKE you slow down. They are the ultimate excuse to sit and relax and love for a few minutes.

And I need to give my big kids (and my hubby) the same love as I did when they were babies. I need to give my self permission to stop working at a million miles a minute and sit and cuddle.

So I am one step closer to being the Mom I want to be . . . Little Bear's Momma (you know? Little Bear cartoon? That mom is who i emulate, lol) She always has time for a snuggle.

And that is my new number one priority.

Thanks Christopher. You helped your family again in such a huge way. What would we do without you?

I love you!