I was thinking about Christopher. Being sick in bed reminds me of those 8 months! I realized that he is the only one of the 4 kids that i loved in utero for himself.
The others, I loved because of what I was getting - I couldn't wait to see who they were going to be, but I thought of them as mine. My happiness, through them. The morning sickness and exhaustion was endured so that I could get my baby.
But knowing that Christopher was sick, that he would only be mine by the slimmest of chances, made him his own person. I was going through the sickness for him, to give him the best life he could have. I felt privileged to do this for him. I felt privileged to carry life, now that I knew how fragile and precious it really was.
I think there must be an important lesson in there somewhere - loving someone even though they are not yours, not part of your life, not giving you anything. Most love hinges on tangibles.
of course, I have put tangibles on him, the way we make animals have human traits. he is part of the family, like an imaginary friend. he has saved our marriage, opened my heart, given me closure, brought me full circle in so many ways. But really he just existed. A precious bit of life.
I still feel privileged. That I held him in my belly. And that he made me a better person.
I'm rarely at a loss for words, but I read this last week and I didn't know what to say. So I came back today to try again, and I'm still without words.
ReplyDeleteBut I think it's amazing that you're able to see your loss that way - to focus on what you gained from him, rather than what you lost. I don't think I would ever be able to see it that way.
Thinking of you.
aw, thanks Jeff.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I don't think I could get through it any other way. Positive thinking is my survival mechanism, I guess.
It took me awhile to get here, but I feel so much more at peace with life, and all its turbulance.