Deflections

I was thinking of how much I annoy people by being unreachable, and how hard it is for me to stop doing it.

I was reading a journal from several years ago, and it has all the same words as one from just a few years ago, and this blog - wanting to be part of life, to feel something, to connect with others, and trying to find the way to do it. its been years! i wrote, years ago - "sickness, lingering, the trek to wellness goes slow, a climb taken inch by inch." i had no idea it would take this long, lol.

I totally deflect everything. people don't feel that I'm there, that i'm giving them anything real. and they are hurt, they think they don't matter to me, that i'm ignoring them because i don't like them.

i wrote last nite . . .

Deflections

To my husband,
I am frigid, brittle, cold.
He throws his words at me,
and they bounce off my frozen heart.
But under the ice,
my hurt flows freely.

To my mother-in-law,
I am a closed window.
She throws her words at me,
and they drop to the ground.
But behind the glass,
I am shattered.

To my children,
I am a cloud.
Distant, drifting, untouchable.
They throw their words to me,
and I am silent.
But inside the mist,
I am loving them.

I have locked myself away.
The world throws life at me,
and I deflect it, not letting it in.
But cracks are starting to appear,
and I am glad to see the light filtering in again.

Christopher is responsible for some of the cracks. I was so afraid of being hurt, I never let myself experience anything. But I survived the grief, I FELT something and survived. I am very thankful for that. I like to think (like a santa claus or toothfairy story) that he came to be with us because he knew and loved us from a previous life, and although he knew he couldn't stay, he came because knew that he would be able to give us some very wonderful gifts. My feelings being one of them. I try to remember that when I freeze up. hah, my mantra - feelings are goooood. freezing is baaaaaad. words to live by.