still here

Had a long week, last week. Busy with work, lots to do at home in the evenings to prepare for the next day. This week, I've been able to do it at work. Getting a handle on it all. Not eating enough, tired. Still not enough this week, but we'll shop again next week, and I'll eat better then. Hubby finally picked up some work for a few weeks. good, because we'll have food money, bad because now i have to come home and make dinner and do homework and make lunches and put kids to bed. i miss having a house-husband! my heart has been skipping beats. i get a heart monitor in a few weeks to check it out. probably an electrolite imbalance, the doctor says. i've been grieving the end of my baby time. no more breast feeding, no more babies in my bed. found out that both my sister and my brother are expecting their third baby in the spring. both families were pregnant when i saw them at christmas, but didn't say anything because we had christopher's memorial then, and they didn't want to hurt me. they would all have been the same age. whenever i see the two little cousins, i will always see christopher with them. there is a lady who teaches at my school, and brings her baby with her. last week she put the baby on my desk for an hour while she taught. very hard to smile and coo at him without crying. i so wish i had my baby. was feeling very sorry for myself, then i read about some kids who died of heart problems in their first months. and one in our town who is 2 or 3. very glad my kids didn't have to go through that. it would have been so much harder for them. i however would give anything to have seen his eyes, his smile.