I don't want to be known as that poor grieving mom.
I'm working hard on getting a life, and enjoying it. There is more to me than just the bad stuff.
But there aren't many other places for me to talk about this stuff. In fact, the only person I can talk to is my mom, and she is busy with lots of other stuff, so I try not to bug her too much.
My job keeps me busy, and I'm really enjoying working with kids again.
I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER, healthwise, I just want to do cartwheels (if I could do cartwheels, which I can't). I was taking antidepressants for 5 years, which combined with the mental stress of anxiety and depression, made me soooooo tired and distant from everyone and everything. Then I was totally off the wall last fall when I came off the medication. Then I was soooooo sick with the pregnancy.
Now, for the first time in YEARS, I'm laughing, joking around with the kids, enjoying life. I'm so thankful, and appreciating every second of it.
My days are wonderful.
My nights are not.
I guess I need to grieve sometime, and since I'm not during the day, it all comes out at night.
I can't sleep. After my hubby falls asleep, I think about death and cry. He doesn't even know. He thinks everything is wonderful. And since he's stressed about finding a job, I havn't told him. Besides, he's usually been drinking, and I learned years ago to avoid heart-to-heart discussions when that's the case. It's hard enough when he's himself!
I had a lot of talks about death over christmas. With my mom, because we had christopher's memorial on Dec.28th. With my friend, because it was her first christmas without her husband. He took his own life last april.
The suicide talks have brought back so many memories of my own struggles with depression. and I've told her that i might not be the best person to talk with, because i'm on his side. I think he had the right to take his life, and its a shame that he had to sneak around to do it. they could have had a loving goodbye. I'm trying to teach my kids that death is natural, not a bad thing, so that they can say goodbye to me when I go. Or say goodbye to anyone who dies.
Life is such a struggle when its going well. When you have mental issues or health issues, life is almost unbearable. Every minute is so hard, and there are a lot of minutes in a day. The days are soooooo long.
I'm only here because my husband and my kids need me. When they can let me go, I will go. And I don't think that's a bad thing. I'm enjoying life. But its not what I live for. I will be happy to go when its time. Even though thinking about leaving makes me cry, I want to go.
I guess I shouldn't be having long talks about suicide just after losing my baby. Maybe I'm still a little unbalanced. But I'm not suicidal, or even depressed.
I am having some signs of anxiety. Trouble sleeping. Trouble eating. Trouble breathing sometimes. But minor still. I know to get help when it gets worse. And then my wonderful days will become a monumental struggle again.
So I am LOVING my days. Nothing like death to make you appreciate how wonderful nature is. How wonderful kids are. How wonderful love is.
So that's my rambling whine. I wish life were always as wonderful as it seems on the outside. But I have nightmares under my bed.
Next post will not mention death. I've promised myself.
Shygirl, don't feel like you're whining here. You need to have a place where you can talk about it, you can't keep it inside. If this is the only place you can talk about it, then please do. I'll listen.
ReplyDeleteYou scare me when you talk about suicide, but I guess I'm a little oversensitive to that right now because of what happened with my friend a few weeks ago. But please, PLEASE get help if you need it. I'm glad you know that your kids need you.
Oh sweetie.... you are so much more than "that grieving mum". You are an amazing woman who is coping in her own way with an almost un-copable-with-able event.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel about your friends' husband who took his own life. Having had suicidal depression in the past, I can empathise with anyone who takes their own life.
But, having been well for quite a while now, I can also see it as an incredible waste. As a long-term solution to a short-term problem.
Shygirl... your husband and kids will always need you. Always. Even when your children are grown and have families of their own... they will still need you.
It will never be okay with them to lose you. Never.
Like Jeff, I want to encourage you to write your most honest thoughts here. I will always listen too.
But, unlike Jeff, your talk of suicide does not scare me. I think it's healthy to put a voice to those darkest thoughts. And even healthier to do that on a post that will get comments.
You are a brave woman. You have been through so much. When we lose a child, we feel much closer to death. That's natural. Somehow the gap between life and death is that much smaller.
But you are loved and needed here. And will be for all time.
I am very pleased that you have said you will get help if your symptoms of anxiety or depression get worse. Hopefully that time will never come, but, if it does, let us be a sounding board for you. We might be able to let you know when we think that time has come, too.
I'm so glad that your days are bright. I suffer atypical depression, which means that my days are pretty good, but for years my nights were long, sleepless and often crowded with negative thoughts and high levels of anxiety.
I'm now on a medication (not an anti-depressant) that helps me enormously with this. Help is out there. You don't have to live like this.
xoxoxoxo
Thanks guys.
ReplyDelete