Hope

I think most people expecting a baby are filled with both hope that everything will be okay, and a bit of worry that it might not.

Because we have been told over and over by the doctors that the baby will most probably have issues, but tests have come back showing that there still is some hope for our baby, we are caught.

If we knew he was not going to make it, we could plan his passing, and how to keep him in our hearts.

If we knew he was going to be okay, we could plan on life with a baby.

But we are in limbo. And its harder than i imagined it would be.

My sister phoned today with a great sale on glass baby bottles, thought i should buy some. I will buy a few, but with the knowledge that i probably won't use them. That is so sad.

The day after we got the news, i had to go through a friends baby stuff in vancouver to take what i needed before we went back home. It was very hard, thinking all the while that I would probably just be passing the crib, carseat, clothes, ect. on to someone else.

When i go to the kids school, and to work at the afterschool program, all the kids there
comment on the baby growing, hug my belly, give it kisses. It will be so hard to keep talking about it when he's gone, but I know that its important for both the kids and myself to talk
about it. I am glad though, that he can't be forgotten - too many kids know him, for him to not be talked about. Adults can 'ignore' someone who isn't there, but kids don't.

I still hope that he will be okay. But i wish that the doctors hadn't taken the joy of expecting away. I look at other pregnant moms, and envy them their happiness.

But you know, I had always thought that having to go through the morning sickness, fatigue, the labour for a still born or terminal baby would the most awful thing, all that pain for nothing.

And I will be happy to birth Christopher, and not regret a minute of this hard pregnancy. I can't wait to see him, no matter what. I think our family will benefit from him, even if we have to grieve. Mother love changes everything, doesn't it?