Getting a Life

Photos!

2011-08-08T19:35:00.000-07:00

Just read that Ivy girl is getting her wish. . . woo-hoo! so happy for you, and your family!

Here's my little girl - getting too big to call the little girl anymore!

We are enjoying the summer sun - it finally showed itself, after 2 months of rain. We are staying with family, and playing with cousins.

We have finally gotten Christopher's marker. Come with us to see - we walk down the hill, past my mom and dad's barn . . .

. . . the 2 littlest girls of the herd of 10 goats . . .

then we walk along the path to the cemetery . . .

. . . and here are Nana and Christopher, keeping each other company.

I will hopefully have photos of christopher himself soon. I've been in touch with the photographer who took photos in the hospital. several mail mix-ups later, and we may have them in the fall.

Monday

2011-08-01T23:40:00.000-07:00

Well, I made it - it's Monday, and I'm posting . . .

but it will be short. I'm tired, and don't feel like talking - or thinking.

Things on the farm are great, this is the best summer I've had in years and years.

The kids and I got a dog, we've been looking for months for the 'perfect' dog to fit our family, and he's finally here. A rescue dog, we think he's 3-5 yrs old, sheltie/pom mix maybe?, we named him Toby, and he's absolutely wonderful!

Hubby says work sucks - lots of days they can't work because of rain, and no socializing allowed. Social butterfly that he is, finds it very hard to keep to himself.

I have fallen off the phoning/letter/keeping in touch wagon, which is very discouraging. Will try again. One day. Such a procrastinator!

I will work on posting photos for next week.

Magic

2011-07-12T22:01:00.000-07:00

I have decided that my new goal for the year is to add magic back into my life.

I used to feel so awestruck and get warm fuzzies when I read about or drew faeries, elves, pixies, dwarves, gnomes, ect. Looking around the forests and fields, seeing them behind every tree, in every hole.

I havn't had anything magical in my life for a long time. And part of that is because I lived in the city from my 20's on. There is nowhere for magic to live in the city. Or maybe a different magic, that I didn't know how to see. Now that I'm back in the mountains, i'll have to start looking for them again.

Maybe I'll draw, maybe I'll read, maybe I'll research. maybe I'll go visit a faery festival, if I can find one.

Seeing the light?

2011-07-04T22:04:00.000-07:00

Summer is finally here, the sun is finally out. The kids and I are sleeping out on the balcony every night, watching the stars and the bats.

The cottonwoods are creating blizzards of white fluff 24/7. We have many trees on our property line, and the drifts are getting very big! Quite spectacular when the wind gusts.

Hubby has gone back up north to work, and is hating it - the new site is huge (10,000 people) so there is more confusion, more mix-ups. but he is sticking it out, because we are back to being beyond broke.

I need to find a job. Something completely different, but still makes money. My new "job" isn't really me - I'm not much of a salesperson. Or everyone says that I'm not, so I don't. And even if i was, I probably couldn't make much at it, not that sort of job - pyramid schemes make money for other people.

Have been thinking deep thoughts this week. Reading up on the orthodox church, which our family is joining. very comforting in some ways, like finally having all the pieces to the puzzle. But of course, now we have to start getting into what we believe. So, reading about confession, communion, repentance, the trinity, ect.

Have discovered some things about what the church believes in:

- confession and repentance are based on forgiveness - both given and accepted - and so should have lots of tolerance, both for others and the self.

- confession is not meant to be condemnation of past sins, all guilt and shame. Rather, should focus on channeling passions into good works.

- confession and repentance is meant to be worked on together, not alone.

I think if I had had something like this a few years ago, I wouldn't have gone so far into myself. Having to deal with everything by myself killed almost everything inside me. That is why it has been so hard to join life again, and taken so long.

It scares the crap out of me, thinking that I will have to talk to people about . . . stuff. I've learned from the depression courses, and my own experience, that I have to in order to progress, but it is soooooo much easier to just stay in my little solitary world. I do have to admit, it is very lonely in here though.

And i remembered my promise. A few years ago, I was in a church, and the pastor's sermon was about giving a gift to Jesus (christmas time, jesus gave us eternal life, what could we give him). I gave him my life - I promised to not take my own life, but to let him decide when i should go. And weather or not I actually believe in Jesus doesn't matter, the decision is now out of my hands. I forgot that promise for awhile, but I hope that I don't again. It makes my family feel better. I also know that sometimes the promises aren't enough, so I make sure I get help before it goes that far now.

I rejected Jesus after one of my first bad depressions. He is all about eternal life, and I did not, and still do not, want to live forever. Life is too hard. I just want it all to be over - dark, still nothingness. And yes, I've had it explained that heaven will be peaceful, no anxiety, pain, sadness, ect. And yes, it would be nice if no-one ever died. But. I'm still stuck here in my darkness. 20 years.

I guess if I can survive that long, I will survive until the end. So I might as well have fun and do something good for other people while I'm here. And maybe i will try to do it in the light. We'll see.

growing up

2011-06-27T21:05:00.000-07:00

I can't believe my big girl will be 15 years old at christmas. I've gotten used to the fact that she is a teenager, but 15 sounds so old.

I know I'm lucky that she still is a 'little girl', not already out getting into more trouble than she can handle.

She wears my clothes, her feet are bigger than mine.

My messy, complicated, needy, amazingly wonderful little girl is growing up into a messy, complicated, needy, amazingly wonderful woman.

And I'm totally blown away.

I've always thought that beautiful little boys growing into men was beyond understanding, and how do their mothers stand it?

I thought girls were no-brainers, they just grow up, like I did.

But life has a way of being fantastic, beyond belief, miraculous, amazing.

Wether you are ready to see it or not.

learning curve

2011-06-20T21:43:00.000-07:00

being with people is exhausting. even being with animals.

always jostling, always a power struggle.

the dog - you have to show that you are the boss. dogs need a strong leader.

the goats - they try to be the boss too. you always have to be the boss.

kids - you always have to be consistent, to be doing what is good for them - not what they want to do. you always have to be the boss.

husbands - you always have to be placating them, building them up. then they will be there for you - placating you and building you up, when you need it. hopefully.

mothers - dancing the balance of mother/daughter through the years. always a daughter, bowing to the wisdom of the elder. always a mother, teaching and correcting.

people - always balancing between listening and telling.

It's exhausting.

I have just chosen a job where I have to be interacting with people all the time. I have never been able to do that, it is so exhausting for me. I have been on my case for years to interact more.

And now all I can think of is going off into a quiet corner by myself. And that is just with family!

I think I have a steep learning curve!

2011-06-13T23:19:00.000-07:00

hmmm, lost a month of posting there. But I have been sending a card to my friend once a week.

Looking after my parents farm for 3 weeks, right now. And working on my new Creative Memories business. Havn't sold anything, but having fun. I needed something to keep me busy and excited, I was getting stuck in that old rut of 'why wake up in the morning, there's nothing fun to do.' Yes, I sound like my teenager, but hey - now I can empathize with her.

Just got back from watching the hockey playoff game in the local movie theatre. Go Canucks Go! Met the friend that started me on the blogging road - and she has just started a blog for writers. Funny how life is always going in circles.

So my post for this Monday is all about the farm. Lets see if I can paint a picture . . .

a large pie-shaped wedge of green
criss-crossed with fences made of wood and wire
splitting the 11 acres into 6 fields and 2 corals
clinging to the side of the mountain
so steep, you are higher than the trees below
so high, the mountain tops are just right there
9 goats wander around together
55 chickens and a rooster scratch the dirt
6 more little banties peep, peep, peep
and my bunny growls at the dog
ghosts of cows graze the fields
gone now, the bylaws make it impossible
to raise them
memories of horses, all sizes and colors
looking over the fence at us
in our treehouses and hidden forts
the lilacs are in bloom,
the fruit trees in blossom
bees and humming birds competing for
nector and pollen
and in the middle of it all
the house and barns
full of kids and light and family

That is the farm I grew up on, and where I love to come back to whenever I can. My parents are getting older and its getting too much for them though. They talk about selling it a lot. There will be a huge hole in my life when it goes. And endless memories.

love

2011-05-11T09:33:00.000-07:00

I have the flu. Luckily I can sleep it off. This is day 4, getting better - I can sit at the computer now.

I was thinking about Christopher. Being sick in bed reminds me of those 8 months! I realized that he is the only one of the 4 kids that i loved in utero for himself.

The others, I loved because of what I was getting - I couldn't wait to see who they were going to be, but I thought of them as mine. My happiness, through them. The morning sickness and exhaustion was endured so that I could get my baby.

But knowing that Christopher was sick, that he would only be mine by the slimmest of chances, made him his own person. I was going through the sickness for him, to give him the best life he could have. I felt privileged to do this for him. I felt privileged to carry life, now that I knew how fragile and precious it really was.

I think there must be an important lesson in there somewhere - loving someone even though they are not yours, not part of your life, not giving you anything. Most love hinges on tangibles.

of course, I have put tangibles on him, the way we make animals have human traits. he is part of the family, like an imaginary friend. he has saved our marriage, opened my heart, given me closure, brought me full circle in so many ways. But really he just existed. A precious bit of life.

I still feel privileged. That I held him in my belly. And that he made me a better person.

cmt

2011-05-03T22:24:00.000-07:00

oops, i forgot yesterday was monday. but i did mail a letter - a significant achievement for me.

decided that since i wasn't phoning my friend, i would send her a letter once a week.

and since i just started a new business scrapbooking, and have the materials, i'm making cards so now i have something to send.

my post this week is about cmt:

1. cmt stands for Charcott-Marie-Tooth Disease or Syndrome.

2. cmt has nothing to do with your teeth.

3. cmt is named after the 3 doctors who 'discovered' the disease - dr.'s Charcott, Marie, and Tooth.

4. cmt is one of the most common inherited neurological diseases.

5. cmt is progressive. that means it gets worse over time.

6. cmt affects the hands and arms, the feet and legs.

7. cmt affects everyone differently - progresses at different rates and to different extents.

8. cmt disrupts the nerves from sending messages to the muscles. The muscles then waste away.

9. I have cmt.

10. My cmt is slow progressing. I was diagnosed six years ago when I tripped constantly and in six months i had 4 sprained ankles, 1 sprained thumb, and numerous bruises and scrapes. With exercise, my foot drop (i wasn't lifting my toes, which is why i was tripping) lessened and i rarely trip now. awareness helps too, i'm very careful when i run. My walking has deteriorated - everyone now asks if i'm limping, and i walk noticeably 'funny'. i can't walk as far- its a big effort, i get tired quickly, and my feet hurt and swell. but i still walk without braces. some people deteriorate much faster.

that's all for now. wish i was a better writer. practice makes perfect, right?

Thinking aloud

2011-04-25T21:04:00.000-07:00

We celebrated our orthodox easter this weekend. We missed out on most of the easter lead up during Holy Week - just couldn't fit the daily drives and time into the schedule, but went friday, saturday and sunday. We participated in palm sunday, with branches and a procession around the church. We saw the shroud of christ on Good Friday. We stayed up to midnite on Saturday, when all the lights went out. Then our candles were lit from one special one, and we again had a procession around the church, proclaiming that christ has risen. Then we had a little agape(?) feast to break the lenten fast. (We only fasted a week and half, and only cut out meat. Most others had fasted 50 days, and cut out meat, dairy, eggs, alcohol, chocolate, ect) Then on Sunday we had a large feast - roasted pig, huge wheel of cheese, tons of food.

We are liking this church. We will be going a bit longer than just April. We'll see how long.

Reading a great book called Thirsting for God, about Protestants seeking more, and some finding it in the Eastern Orthodox church. I hadn't really realized how Protestants were different than other religions, in what ways. Many of my questions were answered, and many of my questions were asked in the book as 'common questions that protestants have' - which means that my questions aren't just my struggle to figure things out, they are 'common' questions that others have found within the church. That was an eye-opener for me. I'll have to do some more reading.

examples: we are a rationalistic society, so when one church says that it is interpreting the scriptures correctly, but others say that another way is the correct one, then we try to research the answers - find the right way through knowledge. and i have been, by reading everything i can, visiting all different types of churches, checking out different religions.

protestant churches have sermons and prayers that come 'from the heart, spontaneously, talking to Jesus as a friend, intimate'. But that means that each sermon and each priest is different, and the sermon is judged - was this one more profound, did I click with his view, did people like it? And prayers are all about us, talking to Jesus. In the first centuries after Jesus died, church and prayer were different - they were based on the idea that love and spirituality were acts, not ideas. the people of the church participate fully in the services, prayers, fasting, ect. the senses are filled with sound, smell, sight, touch, taste. and in doing these things repeatedly, their mind is freeer to commune with jesus and God. like in the middle of doing the dishes, you figure out the solution to a problem - your mind has been freed up with the repetitive actions. Or something like that.

My thinking is all muddy today. Not coming out to make sense. I'll work on that for next week :)

Another New Beginning

2011-04-18T22:50:00.000-07:00

I have cut my hair - short and sassy.

I have colored it - loud and vibrant.

I have a nose ring - hopefully small and pretty!

I have a new job - hosting scrapbook sessions and selling product.

It fits in with my part-time job at the school, and my busy kids.

1 has braces, the other will have them in June. Constant orthodontist appointments as they are adjusted and readjusted.

We are getting a dog. Was supposed to be this month, I am secretly hoping to leave it till September, since I am crazy busy with my new job.

We are going to an orthodox church this month, to celebrate easter. (Every month the kids and I explore a culture/country/religion. This month is Russia.) The services are quite intriguing - all done by choir or chanting, mostly standing, fairly ornate (fancy dress, incense, many icons, candles, ect.) We are liking them. It helps that there are more children than adults - more child friendly than most orthodox churches, I think.

We will be coloring eggs this week, learning how to do Ukrainian eggs, and going to a midnite service. Also, trying to bake some traditional Russian Easter foods, and my first alone Easter dinner - always hubby or mom was there to help. Okay, actually, they did it all, I just helped peel carrots and things. So it should be interesting. Will probably have to go out for pizza at 8pm!

At school, the children are taking part in many Earth Day activities. Field trips, plays, trail cleanups, fundraising for the nature park, sturgeon release (a rare fish being 'saved' in our area), and more.

Busy, busy, busy. Did I mention that already?! Lol.

the restart button

2011-04-11T21:23:00.000-07:00

okay, we're going to restart that commitment to writing every week. starting now.

no, . . . . . . . now!

I think I need to set a specific time of the week, so I will write on the blog on Mondays, and phone people on Tuesdays. (Until they tell me another more convenient day)

I have made a list of things i can talk about. CMT, babies, poems, books, stuff.

And I will not read other blogs right before I go to write mine - its so overwhelming to read everyones beautiful writing and tragic events. I feel like I can't, and shouldn't, add anything to that.

But, life goes on. And I am going to make an effort to join it. For my kids, and my hubby, and for me.

I am an island,

with beautiful warm beaches,

a vibrant rainforest

full of life,

tall snowcapped mountains,

deep caves.

The world is out there.

Sometimes a boat

sails past.

If it is my kids,

they land on the beach.

We lie in the warm sand

(if we feel cuddly)

or throw seaweed at each other

(if we aren't).

If it is other people,

they sometimes wave

as they sail past.

Occasionally they slow

for a chat, then drift off.

But mostly it is

just me.

An island

with beautiful warm beaches,

a vibrant rainforest

full of life,

tall snowcapped mountains,

deep caves.

I will build a marina,

where people can

tie up their boats

and stay for awhile.

Commitment

2011-03-06T12:34:00.000-08:00

I am going to commit to writing every week until the summer. (Wish me luck) I already am trying to phone one friend once a week. have done once a month so far. But a commitment is different than trying. So I'll commit to that too. (Wish me more luck!)

I have been feeling very lonely lately. Hubby has gone north to work, and we don't talk much - bad connections and timing. I used to have a job or my little busy children to keep me occupied, and was never lonely. But with older independent kidlets, and only some part-time work, I have a lot of time to feel lonely now.

And because I'm used to thinking like a victim, accepting what happens and waiting for someone to fix things, I havn't done too much about it. Except complain. And feel sorry for myself because I havn't done anything with my life. But I've been reading some blogs, and I'm inspired to try again.

I will be working on making connections with people again. Never one of my strong suits. I've only had one friend at a time since I was a toddler. Which worked great for me as long as that friend spent a lot of time with me!

So - weekly postings. Weekly phonecalls.

Then I'll work on connections to actual live people in my town. LOL.

Fresh snow!

2011-01-30T22:05:00.000-08:00

We have been stuck in the house for days, sick with colds/coughs/runny noses. So today I took everyone out to play in the new snow for a few minutes. We went to visit the cairn . . . it was beautiful!

This is the cemetary

We brought flowers (for the deer to eat!)

A dove for Christopher - since his middle name means peace

And a photo of Nana

We are making our cairn for everyone we want to remember - Christopher, Nana, the dogs we knew and loved, . . . the kids like it.

The EEG

2011-01-30T21:47:00.000-08:00

I haven't felt like writing for awhile, but I have some photo's to post.

This is the little boy, getting his EEG, for the seizures he's started having.

He thinks he looks like a robot, with all the wires. Which is cool, of course!

We went in December, no new info, but we have a doctor's appointment in 2 weeks, so I might learn something then. Still having seizures, but the teachers are amazing, and he is doing fine.

perspective

2010-12-17T08:14:00.000-08:00

my day to day struggles seem so big.

kids getting sick, disagreements with my hubby, too much housework, tiredness.

then i read about Ivy, and her health issues. And Amy and Isaacs. Ours seem pretty simple compared to theirs.

And i read about Jeff and Katie, and i realize again how blessed we are to have each other.

my day stops

2010-11-26T18:05:00.000-08:00

I have noticed a pattern.

When I get the news that little boy has had a seizure, my day is shot while I process it.

It has happened about 6 times.

Each time, my mom talks about how normal it is to worry, blah, blah, blah. I say I'm not worrying, and I'm not.

But I have noticed that nothing gets done for the rest of the day. I forget to turn the stove on, then i forget to turn it off. I forget what i'm doing. I forget my purse in the store. My words come out jumbled, as if I can't find the right word. I leave the kids to play, while I go watch tv.

So i guess I'm avoiding worrying by not thinking?

I know that its not a hugely big deal. Very common for seizures to start when kids are 6. More of an annoyance than a health hazard.

And it explains his inability to focus, remember, follow, ect. He forgot how to put on his coat after one seizure. He forgot how to read. He goes to get dressed, then comes back and asks what he's supposed to be doing. Today he openned the truck door, got in the truck, then got out to shut the door. He stared at the truck, puzzled, then openned the door again, and got in, this time shutting the door while he was in the truck! We don't bug him as much anymore for taking sooooooo long to do stuff, since its a memory problem.

I guess I'm trying to figure out where all this is going, what new changes this means for the family, what the future holds for him.

He has been pulled from swimming lessons once, because he was disorientated. He's been asked to stay off the playground climbing equipment. Which i'm fine with until we figure this out.

I'm worried about his health, I guess. What if its serious? What if he dies? (my mom's dog just died of a seizure. ironic much?)

so far, he's just fine. doesn't seem to faze him much. I think he's used to it, that's just the way things are.

And I'm trying hard to follow his lead.

just keep breathing

2010-11-16T20:32:00.000-08:00

oi vey, what a month.

Big girl was in the hospital last week, not breathing well from a chest cold. apparently very sick, which i didn't realize at first.

middle girl has been having tummy issues, which we are now back and forth to the doctors to try and figure out. currently on zantrac, which seems to help, but brings its own side-effects with it.

little boy was sick a couple of weeks ago, is now recovered from that.

But I was approached by his teachers today. He has been having seizures, we think. And they seem to be getting worse.

I feel like my head is spinning. I had to sit down after a few minutes of talking about the seizures. I was all queasy and stuff.

And my heart thing from the spring has come back, which leaves me short of breath. Must be stress related, lol!!

I just really want a few days of peace and quiet. No excitement.

glass half full

2010-11-13T18:11:00.000-08:00

I am continually amazed at my positive outlook on life, considering my anxiety and depression problems.

I know, it doesn't make sense, does it?

I blame it on the stars - my horoscope totally is both scorpio and libra, every time - and they are the most opposite signs you can get.

So I started this morning totally overwhelmed. And during the next few hours I was able to come up with ideas to try and tackle the problems. Which made me feel better.

Hubby says I live in my own world, that I don't have a good grasp of reality. Hey, whatever works!

Some problems, and their ideas . . . .

I don't feel comfortable discussing my inability to cope with people, because they get all worried. I know its a natural response to worry when someone who has considered suicide says they are not coping, but its damned inconvienient.

So I am making an appointment and finding someone whose job it is to be a sounding board.

I cannot keep the housework up. Life keeps interrupting. And I am soooo tired. Plus I am a slob.

So I am going to try and live with the kids in one room, and not use the kitchen so much (buy more prepared food, make more 1 pot meals).

And I can't cook to save my life. Which is so discouraging. All that time, all the mess, and no one can eat it.

So I am going to buy more prepared food. (See, two problems with one stone!)

Wish me luck, I'll need it. I resolve to do better with cooking and housework every week! Lol

Metta Bhavana

2010-11-07T14:40:00.000-08:00

That is what I found on my meditation search yesterday.

Metta doesn't have an english word, closest is lovingkindness. Bhavana means to learn, I think.

It's a way to grow your emotions, and empathy/compassion.

Just what I need to help with relationships and connections.

And it will be relaxing and meditative.

And I can teach it to my kids, they will like it too.

********

Met up with another CMT lady. It was so funny as we compared symptoms. "I could never keep up with my friends" - "Me neither!" - "I would jog along side them as they walked" - "No way, me too!"

Her mom has CMT as well, so we will all get together sometimes. It will be nice to talk to someone who 'gets' it. Even though we are all still learning about it.

And we will give each other idea's on how to adapt our lives to it. Three heads are better than one.

And I think it will be nice for the husbands to compare notes, too. It has impacted their lives, as well.

Meditation

2010-11-05T08:52:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about trying it. Any idea's, hints, methods that you would recomend?

Fall is always the hardest time depression-wise for me. I wonder why? Almost lost it this week. Will be looking into a higher degree of support. At least I'm still together enough to recognise and do something about it.

Los Angelitos

2010-11-02T18:05:00.000-07:00

Last week, on October the 28th, the kids and I went up behind our local cemetary and built a cairn for Christopher. Little boy wanted a birthday party for him so Christopher could invite his spirit friends. So we made a cake and had a pinata.

Today we celebrated Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) at the cairn.

We included the 4 elements - air (we all wrote something on the crepe paper, which blows in the wind), water (a dish to catch rain), fire (candles), and earth (food and flowers). White flowers for the baby angels (angelitos), orange and pink flowers for the others (assorted relatives, friends and pets).

I read a poem (some words changed from someone else's poem), while the kids placed some items:

In the cool of the mountains
when evening draws in
Serenity waits
where the shadows begin

In the fragrance of dusk
and the murmur of breeze
The cares that we carry
fade into the trees

Nature in fullness
sheds blessings about
And the turmoil of living
fades quietly out

Hope glimmers through
with the evening star
Sorrows recede
in the darkness afar

Big girl helped me figure out how to download photos onto the computer, good thing she's here since hubby is gone - I am so technologically blonde! They do my cell phone, camera, computer, tv remotes, ect.

In theory, I didn't think that not having a grave would be a big deal. And until know, I havn't missed it. But now that we have a place for Christopher, I am finding myself thinking about it all the time, wanting to go and sit there, leave a flower. Just sit, mostly. We had deer with us while were putting our things around the cairn. It's a beautiful spot.

for Fe

2010-10-23T15:29:00.000-07:00

I was listening to the Corrs today, this is their cover of an REM song. Hang in there, Fe. We love you.

i'm not cut out to be a working mom

2010-10-22T21:08:00.000-07:00

oh, this is hard.

i'm used to being a work-at-home mom. it was 12 hour days of home daycare for 8 kids, but it was at home - i could do laundry, cook, water plants, tidy, ect. in between the work bits.

now i'm a work somewhere-else mom, and i feel like i'm on one of those whirling things in the playground. its going faster and faster, and i'm about to fly off the side. not to mention the fact that i get violently sick on spinning things.

hubby has gone north. may visit at xmas, home in june-ish. was going to take the truck, but convinced him to leave it - having to fix the brakes and alternator, having it break down on him 3 times in 1 week may have helped!

tired. so tired. but coping well. i feel better than before, better every week.

christophers birthday is coming up. little boy talks about him all the time right now. we are going to have a birthday party for him next week, so christopher can invite all his spirit friends. we are going to build a cairn for him near our cemetary (he doesn't have a spot here. his memorial was in the town i grew up in, where we spend our holidays, where my nana is buried. no marker yet, still working on it. the one i sent couldn't be done, it has to be revised. crap.) christopher is being given a memorial brunch this weekend, by my friends who read my facebook, and then the blog.

that feels a bit weird, since they didn't know him. but i'm curious, and thankful, and appreciative.

for years, the kids and i have celebrated customs from different cultures and religions. my way of trying to figure out life and death and god. we've included my nana in them for the last 2 years, now we are including christopher. (all have a section on honoring ancestors and lost loved ones)

the girls still don't say anything about him. even when i am talking to the little boy about him. hubby doesn't either. i wonder if i am right to keep him in our lives. maybe i should let him become a dim memory for them.

for me, he is as real and present as my other kids.

i think i will write their birth stories or something, in remembrance. i'll think about it.

my wheels

2010-09-30T20:50:00.001-07:00

I feel like I have a new lease on life.

Normally its such an effort for me to go anywhere, the walking is very hard because of the cmt, and i get exhausted. it means i'm very limited in where i go. and i have no vehicle right now.

But this month i have been using my sisters old bike (old - no brakes, squeaks, no shocks, . . ) and i can go places.

the first day i rode 5 blocks to school with the kids, then biked back home. could hardly walk into the house, my legs were like jelly!

4 weeks later, and i can ride into town, twice!

i used to hate bikes. too scared of the speed, and of falling/crashing.

i guess this is one fear i have overcome for the moment.

and the freedom is awesome!

i'm going to hate the snow, though. maybe i'll get a sled dog.

life carooms on

2010-09-26T20:49:00.000-07:00

well, there were a lot of people paying attention to facebook, and curious enough to take the time to read the whole blog.

erk.

but excellent feedback. and I have started talking to my sister about feelings *gasp*. (our family doesn't talk about feelings, or show feelings. except my mom, but we all roll our eyes - she's a mom, for god's sake, what does she know? lol)

so, the first step was a doozy, but alls well that ends well.

now i have to think of another fear. and actually, I think its not fear so much as anxiety. which are different.

like, when hubby said he was going away for 3 months, I immediately began to be afraid of noises at night, had to get a monitor so i could hear the kids better, had trouble sleeping, ect. thats anxiety, not a fear of the dark or something.

He just phoned. Was supposed to come home in 2 days, stay for awhile, then go up north looking for a job. However, he got a call to work in revelstoke for 2 weeks, so he'll come home tonight at midnight, and leave tomorrow at 9am with our only vehicle.

so.

some rethinking, some juggling. some more missing him, from all of us. but we'll survive, we always do. thank goodness for med's. lol.

Out of the closet

2010-09-18T20:33:00.000-07:00

Okay, I just posted on facebook. The word is out, the blog is open to people I actually know, and some I actually see everyday.

Hopefully, no-one is paying attention!

fight fear

2010-08-25T17:27:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've been afraid all my life. And I've noticed I have a real victim mentality - poor me, someone has to rescue me.

Everyone is afraid, but my fears took control of me when I was in highschool. I've been able to get some control back over the years, but I still need to do some work on it. I need to be the rescuer, and save myself.

so, I'm going to start fighting the fear.

starting today, I'm going to do one thing a day that fights my fear. hmmm, actually, that's too unrealistic. starting tomorrow, I'm going to do one thing a week to fight my fear. (gotta love us procrastinators!)

I'm going to start with letting my facebook friends know that I have a blog. I have to stop complaining that no-one see's me, and let people in. First step - the blog.

The farm

2010-08-16T21:25:00.000-07:00

This band is from Quebec, but they were playing at a friends house in the little town where i grew up. I've been staying there this month.

The band was playing in the backyard, 40 people listening, when a big bear walked past. the band's eyes grew huge, everyone turned around to see what they were looking at. Then everybody just turned back, and kept listening. the band was flabbergasted that no-one was worried. it was hilarious. bears are so common place here.

I've been milking my mom's goats twice a day. one goat is short, but has a huge udder. she practically drags it around on the ground. I can hardly get the pot under her when i milk, and her babies have to almost lie on the ground to get anything. the other goat is tall and has a small udder. her babies had to be lifted up when the were small.

my mom just got a miniture goat - a little male goat. She needs to get smaller goats because she's getting too old to handle the bigger ones. she's already stopped raising calves. anyway, the buck is hilarious. his name is udaman - 'you the man'. we call him manny. he looks like a pot belly pig, his legs are so short. he disappears in the tall grass when he goes out. my mom hasn't figured out how to breed them yet - maybe he'll have to stand on a bale of hay so he can reach the does?

I've been picking garlic, and braiding it to hang and dry. we picked raspberries and currants to make jelly. my sisters heirloom tomatoes are coming in - all different shapes and colors and flavours.

i sure love the farm.

Deflections

2010-08-06T21:27:00.000-07:00

I was thinking of how much I annoy people by being unreachable, and how hard it is for me to stop doing it.

I was reading a journal from several years ago, and it has all the same words as one from just a few years ago, and this blog - wanting to be part of life, to feel something, to connect with others, and trying to find the way to do it. its been years! i wrote, years ago - "sickness, lingering, the trek to wellness goes slow, a climb taken inch by inch." i had no idea it would take this long, lol.

I totally deflect everything. people don't feel that I'm there, that i'm giving them anything real. and they are hurt, they think they don't matter to me, that i'm ignoring them because i don't like them.

i wrote last nite . . .

Deflections

To my husband,
I am frigid, brittle, cold.
He throws his words at me,
and they bounce off my frozen heart.
But under the ice,
my hurt flows freely.

To my mother-in-law,
I am a closed window.
She throws her words at me,
and they drop to the ground.
But behind the glass,
I am shattered.

To my children,
I am a cloud.
Distant, drifting, untouchable.
They throw their words to me,
and I am silent.
But inside the mist,
I am loving them.

I have locked myself away.
The world throws life at me,
and I deflect it, not letting it in.
But cracks are starting to appear,
and I am glad to see the light filtering in again.

Christopher is responsible for some of the cracks. I was so afraid of being hurt, I never let myself experience anything. But I survived the grief, I FELT something and survived. I am very thankful for that. I like to think (like a santa claus or toothfairy story) that he came to be with us because he knew and loved us from a previous life, and although he knew he couldn't stay, he came because knew that he would be able to give us some very wonderful gifts. My feelings being one of them. I try to remember that when I freeze up. hah, my mantra - feelings are goooood. freezing is baaaaaad. words to live by.

Tired is my middle name

2010-07-24T14:29:00.000-07:00

well. that was a long month.

hubby has gone off to school. doing well, liking the machines, and the people there.

little boy has learned to ride his bike! still very wobbly, won't go far, but he's on his way.

daughter #2 has just gone off to camp for a week, about 5 hours away. she was very excited, its going to be so much fun - dragon boating, rock climbing, swimming, games, friends, . . .

daughter #1 has been volunteering with her guiding group - a triathalon and a swim meet, so far. she's also doing babysitting.

we had friends visit for 5 days. they are like family, even though we havn't seen (or talked to them - except hubby)them for a year, we all picked up where we left off.

I was in vancouver for 4 days, getting tests done, and getting information on my condition. I have Charcott-Marie-Tooth Syndrome - which has nothing to do with teeth - it affects the feet and hands. I have additional trouble with my swallowing, but it turns out that I am a very slow progressor, so probably will not have too severe of trouble with either feet, hands, or throat. good news!

it is affecting my work though. I get so tired. Beyond exhaustion. It seems so strange that i do half of what i used to do in my 20's and early 30's, but i get waaaay tireder. (yes, that is a word, and it applies to me)

I think I will be looking more work soon, I get confirmation next week from the school I was working at before wether or not they will be hiring me back in a different capacity, but the rumor is "no, not enough enrollment". I finish up 3 weeks of summer camp, then go to my mom's. so i will be subbing again in sept., and looking for something part-time, hopefully. full-time is too much, if i'm not desperate, I'm going to try not to.

I'm in the grief stage where I notice that no-one ever mentions Christopher. I know my mom and sister think about it when I'm there, because of my sisters new baby, they are worried I will be upset. they talk to each other about it, but they don't say anything to me. I don't think anyone else thinks about him. Just me. If people suddenly remember during a conversation, something jogging their memory, they go quiet, then change the topic. they are uncomfortable. I guess if i want to talk about him, i should just continue the conversation. if they arn't okay with it, i won't do it again with them. I don't think i was ready to talk about it before anyway. too raw.

I've had 2 days off now. a chance to rest. i have an urge to color my hair blue, put on matching nail polish, get my nose repierced, and be quirky again. to have some life, some fun, not just float through the day. i so admire people who let their inner selves shine. i think my goal for the next year is to show bits of myself to others - and yes i say that every year, but maybe this year i will!

stomach flip-flops

2010-06-25T11:18:00.000-07:00

well, daughter #1 has just had her tonsils and adnoids out, and is in recovery and doing well.

good thing her dad went with her, because I'm practically passing out, LOL! I used to be able handle blood and accidents no problem, but the last few years I've slowly been getting worse and worse. Probably because I'm thinking about my poor little babies. I feel so silly.

My medication is working, and its not the zombie med. this time. I'm back in the real world, not floating away on the edges, drowning in anxiety and sadness. I still have feelings, and I can look forward to the day. I wish I could manage on my own, but I'm glad I have a backup for when I don't.

Hubby has been accepted into his course, so he will be gone for 3 months soon. Not sure how we will survive, but we will get through it, we always do. both our parents have offered to help with money, and looking after kids, and food. those are the 3 main things.

so at the moment, life is highway - fairly safe to walk along, room for family and friends, moving forward. not the usual barely visible line, with me dangling desperately below it by my fingertips. so I guess I'm still 'getting a life' afterall.

The sun is out

2010-06-12T09:36:00.000-07:00

After 2 weeks of rain, the sun is out. We went for a hike on nearby sunflower hill. Glorious!

And I feel better too. I think I have been caught up in anticipation anxiety - I stress about what will happen, but the actual things aren't that bad at all. Hubby and I survived our weekend of figuring out what to do about the summer. A few days of intense stress, and now we're good.

I will try hard to remember that, as Tana's tonsil and adnoid surgery approaches, and I am already freaking out.

one day at a time? not me - i need to plan ahead, be prepared. but . . . one THING at a time - I can do that. summer planning is started, i can let it go for now. i will prep for the surgery, make sure i have freezies and ice-cream, then i will worry about the summer again.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Depression is so insidious. I always think I am doing okay, that I'm stressed but coping. Then I find out that I'm totally not. I remember when daughter #1 was a baby, I was convinced that she wasn't eating enough, taking her to the doctors. Looking back at her pictures, she is the chubbiest little thing - but I didn't see it. I remember seriously looking at all sides of a decision, consiously choosing the best option . . . and later realizing that the things i was thinking about wern't even there, i was living in my own little world.

Now that i'm taking the medication again, i can see how it had started again. I was starting to sit in a room full of people and feel like i was in a bubble, not connected to anything. it is the warning sign for me - whenever i no longer feel like a part of anything, that i'm floating on the edges, that's when i start to go off the edge big time. further and further from reality. more and more anxiety.

i had thought that my new coping skills, and knowing what to look for, would keep me out of trouble. scary to realize that if i wasn't forced into it, i still wouldn't have done anything about it. maybe next time i will catch it. each time i learn something, i guess.

__________________________________________________________________

Anyway, things are looking up. We found a way to survive the summer, and we are feeling better!

the walls are threatening to come crumbling down

2010-05-22T13:53:00.000-07:00

what a week.

I am finally sending off the gravestone wording - i'll post a picture of what we decided to go with in the summer when we go visit and take pictures. lots of tears, but a sigh of relief too, that its done.

had to spend $1700 to fix the truck and get the credit card out of hold for not paying the bill. we just got another bill for over $2000. not sure where that is going to come from. I don't have a job for July or August, and was told on friday that the student I work with isn't returning, so no job to return to. I put my name into the ring with other applicants for a position starting in sept, we'll see how that works. hubby has no prospects that he is willing to consider, job-wise, but he's looking into going away for a few months to take a course.

I should be able to cobble together some subbing jobs and part-time work over the summer to bring in a bit, and we can cut out a few bills and use the food bank.

I'm dreading the conversations in the next few days as we tackle this though. we get through our relationship by not talking. avoidance is a marriage skill that works for us. working things out has never worked. now that we actually have to come to some decisions, who knows what will happen. i envision total chaos, the end of the world as we know it!

knowing our track record, we will procrastinate long enough that no decisions will need to be made. either things will work out, or matters will be taken out of our hands.

i'm crossing my fingers that the walls of our relationship, our dreams of living in this town, and our selves - our ablity to hold it together, are strong enough to survive this summer.

on hold

2010-05-12T19:05:00.000-07:00

well, my ongoing attempt to 'get a life' is going on 'pause' again.

i got off my zombie medication and learned better coping skills for my depression. then i got sick right away, and didn't leave the bedroom for 8 months.

i'm just starting to see the beauty in life, to look forward to stuff, to care, to interact, to feel again.

and tomorrow i start the zombie med's again.

i need them to keep working. hubby is still unemployed. his latest plan is to leave for 2 months of excavator school, then finding work wherever it takes him. its a pretty good plan. we are pretty broke.

but i'm working long days, and am so exhausted i can hardly exist. it was just manageable when he was here to take care of everything. i won't manage as well on my own. my summer work is going to be stressful, and i'm worried about how i'll handle it. and working with kids, i don't want to take any chances. i've already crossed the line, not able to cope at the end of the day.

so its back to zombie mode. no feelings. safer for the job, sadder for my family as i disappear again. i'll try hard to keep connected, but its difficult. at least there's no depression mixed in with it. and hopefully its only short-term.

the deadline (no pun intended)

2010-05-11T19:30:00.000-07:00

i have to decide on what to put on christophers gravestone. my dad has paid for it, and has been asking since christmas for the wording. there is still a hole in the ground left for it, and the cemetary people have to fill it in.

and yet i just can't.

its the last thing, and then we're done.

i guess i don't want to be done, because i can't make myself tell my dad to go ahead and do it.

but time has run out, so this is what i'm thinking. i want the words to convey that he changed our world, that we took good things from his being here, rather than negative things.

space is limited.

maybe . . . . 'love endures all things' or 'he touched our hearts'. oh, i know. his grave is next to my nana's, and hers has 'forever in our hearts' under the date. i'll put 'love . . . it lasts forever'.

above the name, where my nana's says 'in loving memory of our dear mom and nana', i'll put 'he touched our hearts'.

i'll run it by hubby tomorrow. he's drunk right now. i was researching fetal alcohol syndrome for my job yesterday, and ran across a chart. he doesn't qualify for an addiction. he's just a heavy drinker.

my mom grew up with a family, extended family, all the people her family hung out with, of alcoholics. she has bad memories. so i grew up thinking that drinking was bad. hubby's family, extended family, friends ect. were all heavy drinkers, only a couple of alcoholics. so they think drinking is okay until it gets out of control.

i know that hubby is drinking a lot, but that he has not crossed into the 'problem' area, so i will relax and not worry so much. he has shown that he can control it when he needs to. and with me always in the background, he will get lots of advance notice when he gets close to crossing the line!! :)

our world

2010-05-09T12:45:00.000-07:00

See. . . . . I told you we have snow!

of course, it melts off within a few hours.

But still.

Snow?!

We have started going on picnics and exploring on the weekends.

This is a lake about 40 min.'s from our place.

It is spring fed, so the most amazing color, incredibly clear, and apparently very, very cold all year round.

There were people fishing who told us that. they also showed us the fish they caught. some nice sized, some huge. but the huge ones weren't for eating. they were old breeding fish from the hatchery nearby, which had been released when they became too old. they also had had their noses and tails cut off for some reason. very weird. we felt like we had stumbled upon some escaped mutants from a secret laboratory, like in a horror movie. There were even black globs all over the bushes, that are insect cocoon things. I guess soon, bugs will start coming out of them. we just needed some monster to rise up out of the lake, and it would have been complete.

We live very close to the Rocky mountains. When we lived on the coast, these are what I missed the most. The tree's, the snow, the fresh air, . . the mountains. It's nice to be back.

All the photo's were taken by hubby.

spring

2010-05-06T18:34:00.000-07:00

spring is here. well, its been snowing all week, but the tulips and daffodils came out last week, so its technically spring.

baseball and soccer started this week. COLD!

second daughter is the only girl in her baseball league, and loving it. I thought she might drop out, but she is proud of being able to do what the boys do. What a tomboy. And she is such a skid - remember the eighties' skid? Tight jeans, ratty t-shirt, long stringy hair, attitude. cracks me up!

little boy is in soccer. last year all his friends were in it, this year he is so excited to be joining them. He's had one practice. He was one of 4 kids out of 50 who spent most of the time sitting on their ball, wandering around, picking up interesting sticks. I thought he didn't like it, but he was like "why is it over, i was having fun!" He's always off in his own world. hmmm, come to think of it, i need to get his ears checked. he's been having difficulty understanding us lately. maybe that explains some it!

big girl is getting braces and a tonsillectomy/adnoidectomy in the next few months. poor thing.

hubby is still unemployed, and not happy about it. I worry about his drinking, but he hasn't got himself into trouble. we know a few people who have just lost their kids or jobs because of drugs or alcohol. hubby doesn't cross that line. drinking sounds so 'bad', but is it really that different than spending lots of time blogging or scrappbooking or making minature trains? he hates that i 'judge' him. but i'm always watching to see how many he's having. i hate that i do that, that i'm so aware of it. i guess i'm like a back seat driver, afraid that if i stop pointing everything out, he'll crash. maybe i should just 'look out the window', and let him be.

i am okay. the elephant in my room is getting easier to see around. i am moving forward.

that said, i can't wait to be 5 years in the future, and through the worst of it. everything now is either compared to last year, or anticipating the next milestone.

Things I learned at school this week

2010-02-19T19:26:00.000-08:00

I work at a school. these are some of the things i learned this week:

- dragon species are differentiated by the number of toes. chinese dragons have 5 on each foot, korean dragons have 4, and japanese dragons have 3. (chinese new year)

- hand sanitizer takes away the itch from bug bites better than anti-itch medications. apparently, the sanitizer cleans out the saliva, which is what causes the itch. (we went to a science fair put on by local schools)

- a little girl told me the secret to spelling 'because', which i told to the little guy i support, and he made this one up and spelled it right on his spelling test for the first time . . . Brothers Eat Chunky Animals Under Sally's Egg.

- the world is a very confusing place when you are 10 and can't read. All the signs we take for granted, wherever we go, are unintelligible. And because he is 10, people expect him to know what to do. To not touch, to be careful, to go this way, to do this or that. It was easier in the big city, where signs are made for people who have English as a second language. Here in the small town, its much harder.

- life is unfair when you are a kid, and have no voice. Adults often make decisions off the cuff, just because they can. "I don't like that, go to the office". I think that is why I shut myself off in school, and at home, when i was a kid. too much frustration, too little control - easier to give up, not care, tune out. All of a sudden i realize how it happened - my living outside of life. This might make it easier to get back in, and get that life i'm working toward.

- glitter is very hard to clean up. days later, and it is still turning up in hair, under tables, on clothes, on kids.

- our area has incredible trilobite digs, people often go out digging, and come back with beautiful fossils. other creatures turn up as well. (we talked to a paleontologist)

- in this town, with its skihill, many kids and their parents develop ski-itis on sunny or snowy days. this can add up to a lot of 'sick' days.

still here

2010-02-16T20:22:00.000-08:00

Had a long week, last week. Busy with work, lots to do at home in the evenings to prepare for the next day. This week, I've been able to do it at work. Getting a handle on it all. Not eating enough, tired. Still not enough this week, but we'll shop again next week, and I'll eat better then. Hubby finally picked up some work for a few weeks. good, because we'll have food money, bad because now i have to come home and make dinner and do homework and make lunches and put kids to bed. i miss having a house-husband! my heart has been skipping beats. i get a heart monitor in a few weeks to check it out. probably an electrolite imbalance, the doctor says. i've been grieving the end of my baby time. no more breast feeding, no more babies in my bed. found out that both my sister and my brother are expecting their third baby in the spring. both families were pregnant when i saw them at christmas, but didn't say anything because we had christopher's memorial then, and they didn't want to hurt me. they would all have been the same age. whenever i see the two little cousins, i will always see christopher with them. there is a lady who teaches at my school, and brings her baby with her. last week she put the baby on my desk for an hour while she taught. very hard to smile and coo at him without crying. i so wish i had my baby. was feeling very sorry for myself, then i read about some kids who died of heart problems in their first months. and one in our town who is 2 or 3. very glad my kids didn't have to go through that. it would have been so much harder for them. i however would give anything to have seen his eyes, his smile.

found one!

2010-01-25T19:35:00.000-08:00

just got our christmas pic.'s.

This is hubby.

we took several million photo's of us all nice and calm - but daughter #1 wouldn't cooperate. finally I told them to take some goofy ones.

I like this better, anyway :)

It's all about the baby

2010-01-21T20:33:00.000-08:00

wow.

I've read about how couples who are trying to get pregnant say that everytime they turn around, they see a pregnant woman, or a commercial about babies, or whatever.

They are right. I sort of knew it before, but it was background, like elavator music. Now I know it because it stabs me in the heart. Every time I turn around.

We are sure a baby orientated society. Because new parents are the best consumers, probably.

I think I need to go to Fe's deserted isle for a few months!

Us

2010-01-19T20:25:00.000-08:00

This is my eldest daughter. I'll have to ask her what 'blog name' she wants. She just turned 13, we are having 9 girls over for a rock star sleepover party this friday. Wish me luck, and ear plugs!

She will always be my baby. She slept in our bed until she was 6. She - 'gasp' - nursed until she was 5. I know, it sounds awful, but her baby sister got to nurse, and she wasn't ready to quit yet. She wouldn't stay with a babysitter until she was 10. she gets very anxious over any changes. and yet she's capable and responsible enough to have been looking after her younger brother and sister after school for 2 years. very moody, but a nice girl, everyone says.

This is the little boy. My snuggly guy. The charmer.

He is so relaxed, and accepting. I've never had to worry about him, he never gets into trouble.

He's turning 6 in three weeks.

He used to live for hot wheels, right now he's into star wars.

This is me.

This is daughter #2.

9 years old.

the size of a kindergartner, she just made it over 40 pounds this year - no more carseat, yay!

the personality of a giant. she was born in the year of the dragon, and it shows. she is the smallest person in her school, but she owns the hallway when she walks down it. she dominates every situation. she owns the world, and will do great things with it one day.

I will find a picture of hubby, and post it next. and a picture of Christopher when it comes. and photo's of our new house. now that i figured out how to post photo's, i can go crazy!

Whine

2010-01-09T14:05:00.000-08:00

I wish that I wrote more about other stuff, other than just my troubles.

I don't want to be known as that poor grieving mom.

I'm working hard on getting a life, and enjoying it. There is more to me than just the bad stuff.

But there aren't many other places for me to talk about this stuff. In fact, the only person I can talk to is my mom, and she is busy with lots of other stuff, so I try not to bug her too much.

My job keeps me busy, and I'm really enjoying working with kids again.

I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER, healthwise, I just want to do cartwheels (if I could do cartwheels, which I can't). I was taking antidepressants for 5 years, which combined with the mental stress of anxiety and depression, made me soooooo tired and distant from everyone and everything. Then I was totally off the wall last fall when I came off the medication. Then I was soooooo sick with the pregnancy.

Now, for the first time in YEARS, I'm laughing, joking around with the kids, enjoying life. I'm so thankful, and appreciating every second of it.

My days are wonderful.

My nights are not.

I guess I need to grieve sometime, and since I'm not during the day, it all comes out at night.

I can't sleep. After my hubby falls asleep, I think about death and cry. He doesn't even know. He thinks everything is wonderful. And since he's stressed about finding a job, I havn't told him. Besides, he's usually been drinking, and I learned years ago to avoid heart-to-heart discussions when that's the case. It's hard enough when he's himself!

I had a lot of talks about death over christmas. With my mom, because we had christopher's memorial on Dec.28th. With my friend, because it was her first christmas without her husband. He took his own life last april.

The suicide talks have brought back so many memories of my own struggles with depression. and I've told her that i might not be the best person to talk with, because i'm on his side. I think he had the right to take his life, and its a shame that he had to sneak around to do it. they could have had a loving goodbye. I'm trying to teach my kids that death is natural, not a bad thing, so that they can say goodbye to me when I go. Or say goodbye to anyone who dies.

Life is such a struggle when its going well. When you have mental issues or health issues, life is almost unbearable. Every minute is so hard, and there are a lot of minutes in a day. The days are soooooo long.

I'm only here because my husband and my kids need me. When they can let me go, I will go. And I don't think that's a bad thing. I'm enjoying life. But its not what I live for. I will be happy to go when its time. Even though thinking about leaving makes me cry, I want to go.

I guess I shouldn't be having long talks about suicide just after losing my baby. Maybe I'm still a little unbalanced. But I'm not suicidal, or even depressed.

I am having some signs of anxiety. Trouble sleeping. Trouble eating. Trouble breathing sometimes. But minor still. I know to get help when it gets worse. And then my wonderful days will become a monumental struggle again.

So I am LOVING my days. Nothing like death to make you appreciate how wonderful nature is. How wonderful kids are. How wonderful love is.

So that's my rambling whine. I wish life were always as wonderful as it seems on the outside. But I have nightmares under my bed.

Next post will not mention death. I've promised myself.

Presents

2009-12-19T10:41:00.000-08:00

Hmmmm. I didn't realize how stressed I was getting about the present situation. Until last night.

I always try to keep Christmas low-key. All about family get-togethers, not presents. But the kids are so wound up from school this year. Their expectations are so high.

And most of their presents they already have - my Mom bought them coats and snowpants and boots for Christmas, which they've been wearing for a month. They aren't getting too much more than that.

Then yesterday we received a food bank Christmas hamper. Someone signed us up. Its full of food. And gifts. And I got all teary, thinking of how happy they will be to open them on Christmas.

We are doing okay, we aren't desperately needing food. Our parents are making sure we have enough. I feel bad for taking something that could go to someone who needs it more. But its awfully nice to not have to say - again - "sorry, maybe when we have more money". Especially on Christmas day.

So, thank you to everyone who donates to their local food banks and Christmas hampers. It really does put smiles on little faces.

Bah Humbug

2009-12-18T10:30:00.000-08:00

Okay, I've got a Christmas complaint.

Why do schools have to wind the kids up so much? What with the daily count-downs, making 'the perfect' presents for parents, candy treats and christmas parties, constant practicing and performing for the plays, and talk about presents, my kids are wrecks. And so are the kids at my school, even those who don't celebrate Santa Claus!

They have such high expectations, and are so anxious, that the joy disappears.

Why can't Christmas be a home thing, touched on at school, but not the over-riding theme?

Bah Humbug!

Our 19th

2009-12-16T17:39:00.000-08:00

Today, my hubby and I have been married for 19 years.

The story of our wedding is more unusual than most. Like us.

We met in college, we were both 18. The first time he saw me, he told his friends he would marry me. Awww, so romantic. Not! Apparently, I was bending over at the time, and he liked my butt. I sort of liked him, but definately wasn't interested in dating.

When we were 20, we both went through a rough patch. He had come home one day, and his apartment was empty - his girlfriend had left with the baby, and everything else. My boyfriend had just left me for one of my friends. We spent a lot of time together, and became best friends.

Then he moved, to find work. We talked every day on the phone. We talked through the months when his conversations mentioned a particular girl, and when they became room-mates. We still call her 'his mistress' - they are now best friends. Then I moved, to the city where he was.

About 2 months later, he stayed over at my place for the first time. And never left. 1 month later we eloped, and got married without telling anyone. We were 21. Boy, was his mom mad when she found out! Not a great way to start the mother-in-law thing. We still don't get along. LOL.

I overheard Hubby years later telling someone that his staying over at my house was a set-up. I was starting to show interest in other guys, and he decided he'd better take our relationship to the next level before he lost his chance. I was brushing him off, so he faked an allergic reaction (cinnamon causes him to stop breathing) and asked me to watch him while he slept that night, in case he stopped breathing. Well, that's one way to get into a girl's bed!

19 years later, we have lots more funny stories.

And we are looking forward to making many more.

The spirit world

2009-12-14T18:10:00.000-08:00

I read this book awhile ago.

It says that spirits live their lives on earth in a body, then return to the spirit world where they all interact until they come to earth again. The spirits often meet each other over and over, in different bodies. So in one lifetime, they might be son and father, in another lifetime they might be friends, in another husband and wife. But the love (or antagonism, I guess) continues on from life to life.

My hubby and I have always thought we were soulmates. We are so different, and yet are so perfectly matched for each other. We make each other greater. Maybe that's because we know each other from several lifetimes?

The book also says that spirits can choose if they will come back in a particular body, and that they know how long that body has to live.

I am very comforted by the thought that Christopher may have taken advantage of the small window of opportunity to come into being, because he loved us from previous lives. That he loved us enough to come even though his time would be short. That he came because we are his family. . . maybe I was his child or his wife or his mother in a previous life, and he knew I needed help and he couldn't say no.

It means his life was not tragic, it was full of meaning. of intent. of love.

I have been having a hard time with Christmas. Its all about baby boys. And here I am comparing my baby boy, and all people for that matter, with Jesus - coming to earth to help their families, knowing that they would die, but coming anyway because of all the good things that they will do while they are here.

Is that sacrilegious, I wonder?

Poor Guy

2009-12-13T20:28:00.000-08:00

Hubby is having a bad day. No, a bad week. No, a bad month. No, a bad . . .

Whenever something goes wrong, he always takes it to the max. If he loses his keys in the morning, he starts off with "I'm going to be late" and ends up with "my whole life is one big mess" within moments.

I've learned to talk him back down.

But for this problem it's not working so well.

He's been looking everywhere for a job, but its just a bad time to find anything. And we're running out of money.

I talk him down, but he goes off the deep end again a little while later.

Poor guy.

wow

2009-12-09T18:54:00.000-08:00

A lady I've seen at the school I work at came over to me the other day.

She shared a very personal, still heart-breakingly fresh even though it happened 3 years ago, story with me. To help me. There are some amazing people out there.

She has been fighting breast cancer for 3 years. She was diagnosed just after learning she was pregnant with her second child. She had to terminate in order to save her own life, so her toddler would have a mother.

Her son is in my son's kindergarten class. When he heard that my son's baby had died, he took his mother to the store, and bought 2 stuffed toys for my son - one to keep, one to bury with the baby. Like he had done at his sisters funeral. There are some amazing kids out there.

My son cried. He was so happy to know that he wasn't the only one with a spirit baby that you can't hold. Now he can talk about Christopher without crying.

I cried. It was so wonderful to talk to someone, in person, that knew what it was like to lose an unborn baby. I apologised for taking, and not giving - I didn't console her very well, just took everything i could get. She said that it was okay, that was the stage I was at.

That mother still grieves hard, every day. It was so hard for her to talk to me. And I'm so thankful that she did.

The other dimension

2009-11-26T20:20:00.000-08:00

I must have blinked, because I'm back in the other dimension.

Yesterday, I was still recovering. Still having naps each day, no, still NEEDING naps each day.

Just starting to venture out into the world, but mostly in the place I've been for the last two months.

Today, I'm back to work fulltime. Everything there seems like it used to be. Even me.

Then I come home and wilt.

I went in to the school yesterday to ask about coming back to work part-time in Jan. I left with 2 jobs, more than fulltime, starting today.

I have said that I won't be able to do both, but I'll fill in while we sort out which job I'll end up with.

I have to learn to say no, don't I?!

Getting Out

2009-11-23T10:39:00.001-08:00

It's been one of those months.

You know, the trying-to-get-your-energy-back type.

I am finally able to get out of the house.

For a short time each day, then I have a nap.

But its a start, and one I'm quite happy with.

My brain doesn't work that great right now, so little outings are good, LOL.

My brain seems to be in neutral. I'm still a bit light-headed and wobbly. (From that post-partum recovery, body getting back to normal thing) And it doesn't come up with anything when asked to react. No thoughts, just static.

Which is good. Because when I go out, I see babies everywhere. And all the moms in my prenatal group are pushing their new wee ones around in strollers.

And I'm not. Which logically should be okay, since I do daycare for a living, and I'm looking forward to going back to working with little ones everyday in January. So I'll get my baby fix.

I'm learning that the brains reaction to loss has nothing to do with logic.

Feelings just bubble out, with no common sense attached.

I now hold my breath everytime my hubby drives out of the driveway, because if a car hits him, he could die you know. I hold my breath when the kids run down the stairs, because they could fall and hit their head and die you know.

I'm mad at the moms that get to hear their babies gurgle, and coo, and cry, even though I would never wish that they couldn't.

I cry just because I feel sad all of a sudden, not because anything happens to make me think about it all. And I cry because everything reminds me of it.

I'm happy when I talk to someone and they don't mention it, because I'm tired of thinking about it. And then I cry because I didn't think about Christopher, and I would never wish he didn't happen, and I don't want to disrespect him by not thinking about him.

I am actually doing well. Really. I feel good, and I'm getting outside.

Life is getting back to normal.

Which is good.

Because grieving is exhausting.

What a bizarre week

2009-11-09T08:59:00.000-08:00

The week before Hallowe'en never seemed to end.

Sunday my mom came from her home 4 hours away to look after my 3 kids for 2 days while hubby and I went to vancouver for baby tests. I'd been sick for a week because the amniotic fluid was building up, and pushing on my organs - my lungs filled up and I wasn't breathing properly, I couldn't eat much, my legs swelled alarmingly, I couldn't sleep from the pains in my chest.

The flight Monday was very turbulent, and I had major chest pains.

Tuesday we went in to the hospital for tests, and they discovered that Christopher had already passed away - sunday or monday, i guess. I had to decide if we were going to have the baby that night in vancouver, or take our flight home the next day and have the baby in our hometown (I really wanted the kids to have a chance to see him.) The hospital in our town couldn't take me for a few days, and hubby and family really didn't think they could take the stress for another week, so I decided to have the baby in vancouver.

The birth was amazing, so like all my others. Christopher was put immediately on my chest, just like the others. I cooed over his little hands and feet, exclaimed over how much he looked like his dad, was proud of how big he was, just like the others.

I spent the whole day waiting for the moment when he would taken away for the autopsy. I hadn't quite realized that he would be gone forever until then. But we were able to get a photographer to come from 'Now i lay me down to sleep', and we made foot and handprints. So we have some mementos to show the kids.

The next two days were spent in Easter Seal House, waiting for a flight home. And my hubby got a call from his boss - don't come back to work, you've just had your contract cancelled because some clients are upset that you are not available. Ummm, aren't you supposed to be covering for him?!?!?!?! So now neither of us have a job.

And to top it off, there was a mistake with our flight home. We got to the airport, expecting to arrive home just in time to go trick-or-treating with the kids, but our flight had already left. So we ended up in a hotel for another night. By the time we got finally got home, my mom was exhausted, my oldest was a mess of nerves, and the younger two were so relieved to see us they clamped onto me and didn't let go for hours.

We are just savoring being together right now.

Christopher

2009-11-03T20:51:00.000-08:00

October 28th.

Stillborn.

That's all I can write for now.

Change

2009-10-22T09:30:00.000-07:00

I was thinking last night - I have always had a very hard time with change.

I have always had a terrible time with saying goodbye.

In highschool, I had a very hard time letting go of my childhood and accepting that I was growing up and liked different things.

Moving away from home just about killed me.

Watching my kids grow more independent was so hard (although I like it now!) because my role as mother changed.

When we moved, I left the years of babies behind. I think that's why I wanted another baby so badly, so I could go back into that comfortable past and delay the changes just a few more years.

But I feel ready to face change now. I'm so glad I had this chance to experience pregnancy again, I would have always felt like I was missing something without it. And now I can move on and live the next chapter of my life.

This is a poem I wrote before we moved:

I miss the fish swimming

in my uterus universe.

I miss feeling like the

embodiment of femininity.

I miss the anticipation of

new worlds coming into being.

I miss knowing that I will be

someone's sun, moon, and stars.

Now I feel insignificant

and unessential.

I know mothers are important,

but it doesn't feel that way

once babies grow into children.

That's really how I felt for awhile, and I'm glad that I'll be able to get past that stage now.

Poems

2009-10-20T20:35:00.000-07:00

Hey, I just found my book of poems.

We've been moving around so much the last year or so, its been lost in a box until today.

I needed to get creativity back into my life, but couldn't find the time or space or money or inspiration to do drawing or painting. So I decided to try writing poems, even though I never did like my writing.

I would try to write one every week. After awhile I really enjoyed it. I wrote about 15 before I packed the book.

These ones I wrote about trying to write poems:

A mind like cottonwood fluff,

taken by the wind to far-distant worlds,

and back again.

When I try to catch a thought,

like fluff, it swirls away from my fingertips,

leading me through meadows

where my passing stirs up other thoughts,

which also swirl away.

I spin,

trying to catch more thought fluffs.

Some I hold for awhile,

'til I fall - laughing and dizzy,

into the grass.

I watch as the fluff floats away

from my hands,

and into the sky.

Writing poems:

a challenge

I now tackle eagerly.

Climbing the mountain

with enthusiasm,

checking the nooks and crannies

for exciting dicoveries.

Reveling in the space

and freedom of movement.

Absorbing the colors,

their intensity and warmth and taste.

Always looking forward

to the next step,

yet enjoying the moment I'm in.

I'll have to try and do some more, now that we are settled in one spot for awhile. Funny how we ended up in the mountains. When I wrote these, we lived on the flats and had no idea where we would be moving to. I obviously had mountains on my mind!!

Waiting

2009-10-19T08:33:00.000-07:00

I'm getting used to the idea that 'he might' is now 'he is'. I was not prepared last week. All the bad things were just something that probably MIGHT happen, in the future. I 'knew' he was probably going to die, and i talked about it and wrote about it, every day. But on Thursday, it became 'now'. And I freaked, like it was a total surprise. I wasn't prepared for that. But I'm doing better now, getting used to the idea. I'll probably freak out a few more times. And that's okay.

I'm going in to the doctors every day or two now to check for a heartbeat, since I can't feel him moving anymore. The heart beat is getting slower and slower. i guess he's not moving because he's sleeping all the time, since he wouldn't have much energy.

I always thought that dying in your sleep would be the best way to go. I'm glad he will have a peaceful exit, not months of tubes and needles and stuff before he goes.

The waiting is hard. We are afraid to plan anything just in case. My 9 year old had her birthday party this weekend, and i stressed about having to cancel at the last minute. People want to do stuff, i keep saying 'in a few weeks'.

******************

I saw Fe's post asking people to come here- I almost had a heart attack! Shy people don't do well with attention. But . . . . thank you, Fe. Our small town doesn't have a support group, and its nice to know that there are people out there who will listen to me talk.

I'm actually being pushed way outside my usual boundaries. Normally, i keep everything inside, and don't deal with it. But because so many kids and their parents know about the baby, i have to talk about it on a daily basis. which is good.

I guess the shygirl is getting a life. Thanks for the kick in pants, baby christopher! you might not be with us for long, but you have sure changed our lives!

life goes on around me

2009-10-15T09:21:00.000-07:00

strange.

i never thought about about other peoples grief, i was always so scared about how i would handle death.

i'm getting a crash course. i work in a school, so many children and their parents know i'm pregnant. besides, its very obvious now! i have to tell them about christopher, so they don't plan baby showers and stuff.

and everyone reacts differently. some try not to say anything about it. others need to talk. i find the ones that insist there is hope the hardest. i think i'm afraid to hope.

my family grieves deeper. my mom and my hubby just want to let him go and have it done with. hubby is starting to show the signs of stress. i worry about him. i know he has to work through it, but i still worry. the 5 yr. old needs to talk about it, but his sisters don't want to.

i cry a lot. its hard to find information on this particular situation. lots on unexpected stillbirth, some on knowing your child has something like trisomy 18, where its 'not compatible with life'. not as much on living for months, knowing that he could die at any time, but might live for awhile after birth, too.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

i havn't felt him move for awhile.

i'll go in tomorrow and get the doppler heartbeat check, if i don't feel him move today.

all of a sudden, its not an 'if he dies'. its a 'he might be dead, right now'.

i don't think i'm ready.

the not so merry-go-round

2009-10-08T10:19:00.000-07:00

sorry in advance for the negative post. not finding to much to be cheerful about this week.

On Wed., the doctors told me that baby's heart was failing, unexpectedly, for no reason that they could see. They gave me a prescription of heart medication which will go through my blood stream to his. And said come back in 4 weeks to see if the med's helped.

Then on Fri., different doctors said that 4 weeks was too long, to come back in 2 weeks. And that the only reason to come back was to arrange autopsy procedures, because he would probably be born stillborn, and they need the tissue immediately after death. I took that to mean that he was going to die very soon, and I was shocked that i would have to say goodbye to him so fast.

On Mon., another doctor said to prepare for him to be born alive, and what interventions we wanted - comfort level where we let nature take its course, or gung-ho, where they do everything possible to keep him going.

Yesterday, Wed., the doctors said that since I've started the medication, I've voted for intervention, and they can't now let him go, they need to keep intervening. So he may be whisked away if he shows signs of surviving for a bit after birth, wherever the doctors say he needs to go.

Part of the problem is that his condition is so unusual, that they have no idea what to expect. They don't think the medication will help, and they still think he will most likely die very soon. But since they don't know, and he may possibly live, they need to be prepared.

The other part of the problem is that they won't know if there is anything else going on until after he is born. But they think he has some severe complications which mean he is "uncompatible with life". So even if he is born alive, they may not do anything because he wouldn't survive for long anyway.

But what a crazy ride it has been for us. We are at the point where we are all hoping he is stillborn, so that it will be over. I never in a million years thought I would ever write that. I would have thought that anyone else who wrote that was a terrible person for giving up on their son or grandchild.

I guess we all hope he will be fine, but the doctors keep saying they don't think he will be. And the uncertainty is so hard.

I'm supposed to get an ultrasound next week to see how far the heart failure has progressed, and I go back to vancouver on oct. 27 (if he makes it that far) where they will look more in depth at his heart, and tell me if they want to pursue more interventions, or if we should prepare for palliative care. Unless they still can't tell. And then we'll start all over.

So far we are okay. the kids seem fine, we seem fine. Of course nothing has really happened yet. The next few months will be hard, but I think we'll be okay - we have a nice strong family bond, that will help.

advice, anyone?

2009-10-01T10:13:00.000-07:00

well, just got back from from more baby tests. not good news, unfortunately. his heart muscle is getting more sluggish, the doctors aren't very hopeful.

any idea's on how much to tell the 12, 9, and 5 year olds? He may still survive, but he may also be born stillborn or die within a few days.

hard to know - he isn't going to die for sure yet, so how much do i tell them?

I'm looking around on the internet for advice, know any good sites?

Thanks.

hmmmm

2009-09-24T13:24:00.000-07:00

hmmmm, i've been thinking about that last post.

You know, most of life is like that - not knowing if everything will turn out okay. Life is fragile, change happens constantly. Just read a book that has a great image . . . life is a river. you put your feet in the river, and every second the water swirls past you, changing always, never the same water. Even the blood in your feet is circulating constantly, never the same blood for more than an instant.

Our relationships, our jobs, our houses, our lives - they always change. And you can't predict if it will be for the good, life is too random.

So that means I've been coping with the possiblity of 'bad stuff happening' my whole life. And that means I will be able to cope with this, too.

All of a sudden, I feel much better. :)

Hope

2009-09-19T12:10:00.000-07:00

I think most people expecting a baby are filled with both hope that everything will be okay, and a bit of worry that it might not.

Because we have been told over and over by the doctors that the baby will most probably have issues, but tests have come back showing that there still is some hope for our baby, we are caught.

If we knew he was not going to make it, we could plan his passing, and how to keep him in our hearts.

If we knew he was going to be okay, we could plan on life with a baby.

But we are in limbo. And its harder than i imagined it would be.

My sister phoned today with a great sale on glass baby bottles, thought i should buy some. I will buy a few, but with the knowledge that i probably won't use them. That is so sad.

The day after we got the news, i had to go through a friends baby stuff in vancouver to take what i needed before we went back home. It was very hard, thinking all the while that I would probably just be passing the crib, carseat, clothes, ect. on to someone else.

When i go to the kids school, and to work at the afterschool program, all the kids there
comment on the baby growing, hug my belly, give it kisses. It will be so hard to keep talking about it when he's gone, but I know that its important for both the kids and myself to talk
about it. I am glad though, that he can't be forgotten - too many kids know him, for him to not be talked about. Adults can 'ignore' someone who isn't there, but kids don't.

I still hope that he will be okay. But i wish that the doctors hadn't taken the joy of expecting away. I look at other pregnant moms, and envy them their happiness.

But you know, I had always thought that having to go through the morning sickness, fatigue, the labour for a still born or terminal baby would the most awful thing, all that pain for nothing.

And I will be happy to birth Christopher, and not regret a minute of this hard pregnancy. I can't wait to see him, no matter what. I think our family will benefit from him, even if we have to grieve. Mother love changes everything, doesn't it?

Baby update

2009-09-12T20:38:00.000-07:00

Actually, not much more to update medically. Have had a few tests, they are still inconclusive, except that he doesn't have major chromosomal problems. I will get more tests done in a few weeks. By the way, these tests have to be done in Vancouver, the biggest city in our province, and a 13 hour drive away. I'm trying to find a way to fly, that isn't too expensive.

We endured over an hour of counselling about termination and palliative care, in case he turns out to have a major problem. And were warned that he probably will self-terminate suddenly. Very unsettling.

So we named him, sooner than we named any of the other 3. Since our kids are old enough to remember him, I figured they had better have a name attached to our very loved little boy (he is consantly getting kisses, hugs, and 'Love you!'s because he can hear us, you know), in case he suddenly disappears.

His middle name is Damir, which means 'to give peace'. He has given me peace of mind, if you can believe it. I have worried about whether I will ever enjoy life again, love my family again, ever live life again. Now I don't worry. I'm looking forward to the fall leaves again for the first time in 6 years.

My marriage went through a rocky period a few years ago, and I worried that I wouldn't be able to love my hubby again. The last few weeks he has been reaching out for me, and I find I can forgive him all his imperfections. I am leaving my family for a few weeks, and I already miss them - something I havn't done in many, many years. I don't have to worry that I don't love them - I do.

The last block is gone. It could just be coincidence, but I think my newest little guy helped nudge me in the right direction. And for my family, having their mother or wife back, will bring them peace.

I will have to remind myself to stay involved, to not withdraw, to not turn off. But babies are the best sort of reminder there is!

oh, we have moved into a house. It is so nice to have a kitchen, 2 bathrooms, space to run, to be noisy. Within walking distance to schools, friends.

During the last 3 weeks, the oldest broke her collar bone, we moved 2 households, the kids started a new year of school, we have been waiting on baby test results and making appointments for more tests, I started up and began transitioning out of a job, hubby was in the hospital and will be recovering for the next 2 weeks, and I am preparing the household to run without me for 2.5 weeks.

It's been a little crazy.

can you return the gift of life?

2009-08-12T15:56:00.000-07:00

People say that life is a precious gift. Etiquette says its bad manners to return a gift, and religious people say its terrible to return this one.

I just spent a weekend with a friend who lost her husband to suicide a few months ago. Lots of talking about death, greiving, and suicide.

she feels so frustrated, because he had tried a few times in the last few weeks, but she wasn't able to get help for him anywhere. Possibly it was muddled because he had chronic health problems as well, and some people focussed on those instead of the suicide attempts, thinking if they could help his health, then the suicide attempts would stop. It was a terribly stressful time for both of them, both of them looking for help, while he was trying to go without hurting her, and she was trying to keep him here.

I found myself quite conflicted. Having been to the edge before, I think you should have the choice to end it all, and if there had been euthanasia, his passing would have been loving and peaceful, rather than secretive and stressful.

I also know that if you can make it through, life goes on. So its important to keep trying.

But everyone dies of something, illness or accident. A few more years alive is important, but I don't think its the end-all-or-be-all. I guess it depends on what you want to spend it on.

I just met a man who has fought cancer 3 times in the last 5 years. He has plans to be around for many more years. Living is obviously very important to him!

I'd like to find out how to make it easier for people to accept death. in some cultures, it is not the end of the world like it is here. I guess i'll start incorperating some of those into my family's life, so they'll be a bit more prepared. Or at least, they'll hopefully have some coping methods.

baby boy

2009-08-06T16:02:00.000-07:00

just had the first ultrasound, baby is a boy! everyone is very excited. we think he is already very cute, even though the photo's are just black-and white x-ray type blobs right now!

But he has one or both feet clubbed, and his heart is in the wrong spot, so we will be going for a few more ultrasounds and tests to make sure everything is working right, and that the abnormalities aren't connected to some syndrome or other.

So far, very minor complications. Fingers crossed that it stays that way.

a wall starts to come down

2009-07-07T21:02:00.000-07:00

I have always had a very small circle of people I interact with. My family, 1 or 2 friends, the kids I look after.

I read a lot, but its easy to control life when its in a book - read the ending, if its sad, don't read the book.

I've always opted out of 'real' life.

This world of blogging has exposed me to more death in the last 5 months than i've let in my world in the last 30 years.

But since the whole point of 'getting a life' is to participate in life, and allow myself emotions, so that I can be a better mom, wife, friend, ect., I'm not shutting myself back up in my safe little box.

I am very thankful that Tiff, Alison, Fe, and Veronica are willing to write about their grief. I know I'm still just reading about life, but it's a start. And that wall I spend so much time keeping around myself has cracks in it now.

maybe a house soon

2009-06-27T11:23:00.000-07:00

for the last year, we have been without a house. Living with my mom, or in a 1 bedroom apartment. And its actually been okay, we are amazingly happy.

But we are getting excited about having a house - with a kitchen, bedrooms, a yard, laundry, room for playdates, visitors, and stuff - all the things we havn't had in so long.

We have put an offer on a house that is close to the kids schools, close to my work places, close to town. Lots of room for us, a little bit of nature in the back, everything we want.

We are just waiting to find out about cracks in the foundation, how bad they are.

If all goes well, we'll be in a house in september. yeah!

*waffling mom update:

when I was so sick last month, I told my hubby that I was cured - I would NEVER want another baby, ever!

Now I'm feeling better. So he told a friend that he's planning to get snipped in 2 weeks. My immediate reaction? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

(don't worry, I'm stiffling it very successfully. but i think its hilarious that i still had that reaction after everything. some brains are just wired that way, i guess.)

be careful what you wish for

2009-06-19T11:44:00.000-07:00

well.

remember how i wrote that i was waiting to see if i was pregnant?

I am. I have been SO sick for the last 2.5 months, i couldn't even sit at the computer. I am finally starting to feel better.

But the scary thing is, I am huge for only 14 weeks. we think it might be .......gasp........twins! we won't know until august, so officially its only one.

my kids are being so supportive. the 12 year old cried when she heard - not another little sister or brother! - but by the next day, she was proudly telling everybody she knew, and patting my stomach. the 8 year old wants to share a room with the baby! they looked after each other so well while i was sick. I had just accepted a fulltime job, to start in sept. and had to let it go. they are disappointed that my not getting a job for a year or two means putting some plans on hold - getting their own rooms, a dog, dirtbikes, ect., but we've never been a very materialistic family, so its not any different. It was nice to dream about all the cool things we'd be able to do, but not like we had them and had to give it up.

very hard for my husband to postpone the dream though. its the only thing that has kept him going the last few years. he is being wonderful though, since it was partly his fault! we are looking for houses now, at our diminished budget, and it is going not too badly. we won't get everything we want, but we shouldn't end up in a broken down house, which is good!

I feel a bit bad for the 12 year old. by the time i get back to work and she could get her own room, a horse, all the things her friends have - she'll be graduating and moving away. I wish i could have given her everything.

But she is very happy and that's the main thing. two years ago she was a mess, and the changes we made have meant less money, but more happiness for her. and thats what its really all about.

so, life has taken a turn, but it didn't flame and burn like we thought it might. things are actually going to be fine.

phewww.

Friends

2009-04-06T09:13:00.000-07:00

My friend, the person I've known longest in my life, other than my family, phoned yesterday.

Her hubby died Friday.

I am so sorry I never made the effort to know him better. I saw a bit of his writing on facebook, once, and it immediately made me want to - he seemed like a really interesting guy. I never followed it up though, and I regret that.

Another reason to keep in touch with everyone, because you never know how long you will have.

2009-04-02T08:48:00.000-07:00

well, so much for keeping in touch. EVERY year, I promise myself that THIS year I will keep in touch with people. I will write or phone or email on a regular basis.

It's not like I've forgotten them, I think about my friends all the time, and I read their blogs or facebooks. I just find it very hard to open the conversation.

Thank goodness some of them phone me on a regular basis, because they know that I sure as heck won't phone them.

So, an update . . . the little boy turned 5 on Valentines day, all of the kids are signed up to play softball in a month (our first time), the subbing went well, although I have no work at present. I am starting up an afterschool program later this month - I will be the manager. The place my hubby works at was sold, so he is planning to work from home more.

One interesting tidbit. After my little boy was born, my hubby wanted to stop having kids. I've always wanted a LOT of kids. But, since I had the daycare full of kids, and I was burnt out and barely coping, and so was he, I could say "I'm happy with where we are, this is our last one, but I'm still hoping for a bonus baby (you know, the one that comes unexpectedly years later.)" For the last 5 years he's been too chicken to get snipped, so I was quite happy to give away all my baby stuff, because I still had the possibility of babies.

Then we moved here, and I started working with babies. And I started thinking how much I missed all the baby times. And how much I love being pregnant, depite the puking and extreme tiredness. Then in Feb. he went for his preliminary snipping appointment. I cried for a day. Then I tried to get pregnant before he did it. I thought I might be, for 4 days, and I was SOOOO happy. But I wasn't.

Now that's a good thing, since I need to work to support my family, or we will be in dire straights - remember, we are 5 in a one-room aprtment until I find a job.

It took me a few weeks to get over it. Its hard to say goodbye to motherhood when you love it so much.

Then he postponed his snip, and I had one last chance to try. So now I'm waiting again to see. If I'm not, I'm not trying again. I feel like I'm doing something terrible, trying to have another kid when it so doesn't fit in with our spot in life right now. But its like putting a cookie in front of a kid and telling them you're leaving the room for a minute. I'm disappointed in myself for not resisting, but DELIROUSLY HAPPY THAT I GOT A CHANCE TO GRAB THAT COOKIE!!!!

So wish me luck. Both ways, because I so would love to be pregnant again, and because I so shouldn't be.

more roller coasters

2009-01-27T18:32:00.000-08:00

Still lots of ups and downs here. Now we are into the job search up-and-down. I'll get a positive response from someone when I give them my resume, but it fizzles out. Then I'll be discouraged because nothing seems to be panning out, and I'll get a call from someone who wants some information. I haven't had so many mood swings since I was two (my mom assures me that I had more then).

The girls are settling into their schools, making friends, getting themselves home okay. Tomorrow I start 7 days of subbing work, so they will be on their own with the little boy afterschool. I'm not too far away, and they have been practicing - last week I went to the laundry room 3 floors away every day and let them practice afterschool. This will be their first time picking him up at daycare, and taking the bus home. They seem so young when I see them walking away together (the oldest is still in elementary school), but they are pretty capable. And our teachers and bus drivers are so great, I don't worry so much knowing that they are being watched over.

Wish I something exciting to write, but on the otherhand, sometimes its nice to not have anything to write about. I remember when my kids were smaller, and everyday was like a soap-opera. I'll have to think up something profound for my next post, lol.

grief

2009-01-16T13:43:00.000-08:00

I learned something today.

I read an article on Tiff's blog (in the first comment on her Decisions post) about a piano.

The piano is grief, which suddenly shows up in your life, and takes up all the space. You try to live around it, as if it wasn't there, but you bump into it at every turn and can't do the things you used to do, or want to do.

Over time you learn to live despite it. Then you learn to play the piano, and it adds a beautiful new dimension to your life.

The article is talking about the grief that comes when a child dies. I don't want to even suggest that what I'm going to say next compares to that. But, when I read it, I cried because I saw something that the piano could represent to me.

I have gone through a few episodes of depression, and during one of them, I lost my hope.

I have lived the last 14 years without hope. It has always been present, overshadowing everything I do, every experience with my children, coming between my husband and me.

I just realised that I can learn to play that piano, instead of living half a life around it.

I think my family would like me to get a life. I think its time.

crazy days

2009-01-15T07:51:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, I drove 25 min. to take my husband to work, drove 25 min. back, dragged the little boy around to appointments all day, drove back to pick up my hubby, and then back home.

Yesterday I dropped the little boy off at daycare, walked 40 min. to town, handed out resumes, walked 40 min. back, picked up the little boy from daycare, walked with him 30 min. home.

I am having a lazy day today - I don't have to go out anywhere.

Going out has been been a lot of work. Lots of planning, packing, walking, cajoling the little boy to go to 'one' more place. He has had his first temper-tantrums in a long while this week.

Today we get to stay home.

I will be doing laundry in the 2 communal washers, which takes HOURS of going up and down stairs because someone else is always doing laundry as well.

I will be cooking for 5 on our hot plate.

I will be making up resumes, so that tomorrow I can walk another 3 hours.

Amazingly, we are happy despite it all. We like this move. After 4 months of being seperated, we are happy to be a family again. (The kids and I were living with my mom while hubby found a town to live in.)

ups and downs

2009-01-14T17:04:00.000-08:00

well, we've pretty much sorted out how to get the girls home from school, despite losing one on friday. i forgot that the little one's new school gets out early on fridays, but she managed to find her way to the bigger one's school (even though there was no-one there because of a fieldtrip) and waited until someone let her in. When I was late picking her up at her last new school in sept., I found her crying at the side of the road. No tears from her this time, but I had my heart in my throat until I found her! She seems to have more confidence in herself now, fitting into her new school very well. Practice makes perfect, I guess.

stress!!

2009-01-05T13:07:00.000-08:00

I am trying to take deep breaths and repeat the mantra " Calm. . . . I am calm . . . . everything will work out . . . ."

Just trying to sort out how to get the kids home from school in this new town i'm in. I've always worked from home, and we lived only 2 blocks from school, so they could walk home with friends, no big deal.

Now we are staying on a highway with no sidewalk, and they have a bit of a walk. I keep picturing them . . . . in a snowstorm . . . . on the highway as it turns the corner . . . . my babies . . . a car slides . . . . okay, melodramatic, i know. they'll be fine, we'll maybe meet someone who can give them a ride home or something. There is no public bus, but there is a small community shuttle which may work out. sort of.

Working mothers have so much stress.

poems

2009-01-04T19:12:00.000-08:00

Yellow Jello Moon by Linda Lee Crosfield

cougar eyes
road lies
ribbon light
devil night
cloud song
nothing wrong
burned hill
road kill
coyote yip
rose hip
caddis fly
blink of an eye
winter soon
yellow-jello moon

I saw this in an underground publication called SKAT, it reminded me of something I tried a few years ago. One of those things where you try to do something everyday - writing, drawing, reading the bible, whatever. I chose poetry, which I'd never done before, but I wanted to try something creative - and it had to be something with no prep or mess, because I had little kids around all the time. The book I wrote them in is packed somewhere now, but maybe I'll type some up when I find it.

A Long and Winding Road

2009-01-02T19:30:00.000-08:00

Well, I ended up with a blog because of ........ ben-wa balls. I know, who would of thought?

You see, my family (3 kids, hubby, guinea pig and bunny) and I have moved around a lot this last year, and i was feeling rather invisable - you know, when you're in a place, and nobody knows you, and its like you are a ghost walking through the room? Anyway, I was finally 'seen' by a wonderfully friendly lady, and invited to a party. yeah, it was a sex-toy party, but it was just like a tupperware party, and all the ladies invited had little kids - more of a laugh, than anything else. So I bought ben-wa balls (for the exercise value, of course). Then I had to google to find out what to with them! The second google went to Veronica's Sleepless Nights, and I was amazed that I could 'see' her all the way from canada to tazmania. I checked out a couple more, and fell in love with the beautiful writing of Tiff from mythreeringcircus.

I generally don't mind being invisable, I've always had my life full of children, and they have a way of filling you up. But now I'm at lose ends, and i'm feeling lost. So, shygirl - who has not been 'seen' by many people before - is taking a deep breath, and allowing herself to be seen.

I love reading your blogs, and I don't feel so alone when I read your stories. Thank you for letting us 'see' you.